Best ‘Monk’ Quotes Page 1 of 25
Natalie: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk: Bathroom.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why? [Monk is silent] I'll go with you.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, let me go with you.
Natalie: We promised Dr. Kroger we wouldn't leave you alone.
Adrian Monk: I am not suicidal. I just wish I was never born. There's a difference.
Natalie: Are you afraid of frogs?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I've never been this close to one. [A frog lands on Monk's shoe] Yes. The answer is yes. Put frogs on the list. Where's the list?
Natalie: I got it. I got it. Where does it go?
Adrian Monk: Put them between possums and, uh, soccer riots. No, no, no. Uh, after after soccer riots. And before, uh, before hailstones. Yeah, so it goes...
Natalie: I got it, I got it: Soccer riots, frogs, hailstones.
Adrian Monk: At least now we know. Information really is power.
Ms. Lennington: Mr. Monk, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Adrian Monk: Oh. Mm... [long, expectant pause] My decisiveness.
Lieutenant Disher: So who's on your short list?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I've been at this all morning. Most of these guys are either in jail or dead.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, or both.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Nobody is both.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain? I tracked down Kalimarakis. I don't think he's our guy. Number one, it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He, uh, got a waiver.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So there's no motive.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. Number two, he's dead. He died in 1995. And number three, he moved to Europe in the late '80s. So there's no record of him ever returning-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy. Randy, excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt you but could you read number two again?
Lieutenant Disher: Okeydoke. He's dead.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right. See, I probably would have stopped reading after number two. In fact, I would have read number two first.
Lieutenant Disher: You would have switched, 'em?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. But that's just me. And probably every other adult on the planet Earth.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Disher told me that you put the grenade in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And then he said you went back and opened it again. You just had to straighten something out, didn't you? I'm gonna ask the Mayor to give you a medal for what you did. And then I'm gonna ask the Mayor to take that medal back. Because you just had to open that door, didn't you?
Adrian Monk: So it's a wash?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's a wash.
Adrian Monk: This isn't happening. This can't be happening.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I promise you, I'll get you another doctor. I'll- I'll call you next week.
Adrian Monk: Okay. So it's not true. You're not retiring. I mean, you can't, because- He- He can't retire. He can't possibly retire.
Dr. Kroger: [to Natalie] This is step one in the grieving process. Denial. Denial, yeah.
Adrian Monk: Damn you, Charles! Damn you to hell! I hate you. I hate you! You are dead to me.
Natalie: That's not denial.
Dr. Kroger: No. Step two, that's anger.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, we're all adults here. We can work this out. I can hire you full time. I'll put you on the payroll.
Dr. Kroger: This is step three. It's bargaining. It usually doesn't go around this quickly.
Adrian Monk: Why me? Why is it always me? Everybody's always leaving me.
Adrian Monk: This just can't go on. It's just too much. Okay. You're right. It's not the end of the world. I'm just gonna have to find another doctor. I owe you so much. Thanks to you, I think I can get past this. Thanks, Doc.
Dr. Kroger: And finally, acceptance.
Natalie: Thank God that's over.
Adrian Monk: He can't retire! The man can't quit! Because he's not a quitter!
Natalie: Wait, what's going on?
Dr. Kroger: I don't know, I don't know. It's like he's starting all over again, like he's in a loop.
Adrian Monk: I hate you for this, Kroger! You are dead to me, you understand me? Dead!
Dr. Kroger: I- I really should be heading home.
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay, let's be reasonable. I'll come to your house. You'll never have to go to your office again. That's fair. [Kroger walks away] Why? Why me? Why always leaving me?
Dr. Kroger: You know, I've been reading about this, uh, this sniper. That's, uh, really terrifying.
Adrian Monk: The police think it's union related.
Dr. Kroger: And what- What, you don't agree?
Adrian Monk: I think the second shooting was a diversion to throw us all off the trail.
Dr. Kroger: Hmm. Well, it's still a tough case. How do you feel?
Adrian Monk: I'm torn. Half of me is worried about Karen, and 40% is worried about Captain Stottlemeyer, and 5% is relieved that somebody finally understands what I've been going through.
Dr. Kroger: You know that's not 100%?
Adrian Monk: I know. I always keep part of me empty for... for emergencies.
Adrian Monk: When I was on the force, I used to hate cashing my paycheck. I still do. To me, police work is like a higher calling. Like the priesthood.
Dr. Kroger: You know, Adrian, even priests have to get paid. But it brings up an interesting question. Something I would like to explore with you. What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Adrian Monk: Well, uh, I guess I'd hire you full time. And keep you on retainer. 24/7. Maybe I'd buy you a house right next to mine. So I could just drop in anytime. This is fun. What would you do with a million dollars?
Dr. Kroger: Buy an island. A desert island in the middle of nowhere.
Adrian Monk: So we would do our sessions over the phone?
Dr. Kroger: [chuckles] Well, see, this island, in my mind... No phone service.
Adrian Monk: Well, I guess I'd have to buy a boat.
Dr. Kroger: No, see, that's funny, because, the island, in my fantasy... No dock.
Adrian Monk: So, how long?
Dr. Malcolm Nash: Two, maybe three days. Now, you are gonna feel normal for awhile. Then there's gonna be some vomiting, followed by death.
Adrian Monk: [sits down] Vomiting?
Dr. Malcolm Nash: That's right, followed by death.
Adrian Monk: Vomiting?!
Dr. Malcolm Nash: Yes, followed by death.
Adrian Monk: [wails] Vomiting!
Dr. Malcolm Nash: Adrian, I really need you to focus on the last part of that sentence. There's gonna be some vomiting and then death.
Adrian Monk: Is there any chance death can come before the vomiting?