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‘Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty

416. Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty

Aired March 17, 2006

While Monk is called for jury duty, Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher take a "Most Wanted" drug dealer into custody.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Your honor I will not be able to serve today unfortunately. For a number of reasons. First off... There's the bathroom situation. I can't share a bathroom. I just can't. You can ask Natalie. Natalie?
Natalie: Yeah, he's persnickety. He's very persnickety. He's persnickety squared.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I have two plants at home that are completely dependent on me, your honor.
Judge Rienzo: Plants?
Adrian Monk: I have a fern and a small azalea bush.
Judge Rienzo: And you have an assistant. Can't she water the plants?
Adrian Monk: Good question. Here's the thing. She has a tendency to overwater.
Natalie: Okay, that is not true. That happened once.
Adrian Monk: More than once.
Natalie: It was two ounces.
Adrian Monk: Two ounces to an azalea bush is like a swimming pool.
Natalie: Okay, wait-
Judge Rienzo: Mr. Monk, I have seen hundreds of people pretend to be disturbed to avoid jury duty, but you, sir, are in a class by yourself.
Adrian Monk: You're too kind.
Judge Rienzo: Well, it's not gonna work, sir. You have a seat, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Objection.
Judge Rienzo: You're juror number 11.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Good morning. Picked up your mail. What is going on?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm having fun. I love this stuff.
Natalie: Yeah, so I see.
Adrian Monk: You know, I usually don't like shaking hands, but I ever met the man invented Tupperware, I would shake his hand.
Natalie: I think he might be dead.
Adrian Monk: Well, I would still shake his hand, because he's probably perfectly preserved. All right, look. It's virtually airtight. Look at this.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Pay attention, I'm only gonna say this once. Escobar's hearing is tomorrow at 12 noon.
We lock this joint down tonight at midnight, every exit, every window. 1 a.m., we sweep for bombs. Head to toe. 6 a.m., I want snipers on this roof and on the roof next door. We arrive 11:30. 11:40, we meet Lapides at the elevator and hand him off. After that, he's the bureau's headache.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, could you repeat that, please?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, what part?
Lieutenant Disher: Uh, everything after "Pay attention, I'm only gonna say this once."

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh what?
Natalie: Uh-oh nothing. I'll show you later.
Adrian Monk: What? What, what is that?
Natalie: Don't worry, you don't have to report for weeks.
Adrian Monk: Report for what? I've been drafted? They've reinstated the draft. I'm gonna have to shower with naked people, naked. Naked naked men with...
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're not being drafted. You have jury duty!
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: [over radio] Repeat, armed and dangerous. He's wearing a beige suit and a purple shirt. I think it's purple. It might be lavender or mauve, I'm not sure.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, nobody cares about the shirt!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're gonna have to take off your belt.
Adrian Monk: Ah, I was going to anyway. To hang myself. Don't get me wrong, it's a great system. It really is the best justice system in the world.
Natalie: I agree.
Adrian Monk: I just don't wanna be a part of it.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, what if everybody felt that way?
Adrian Monk: Everybody does.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Journalist: Good afternoon, I am live from in front of San Francisco Police Department. We're here waiting for Miguel Escobar to return from his pre-trial arraignment. Here he is! Sergeant. Sergeant Stottlemeyer! Excuse me, can we get a word, please?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No comment. Actually, it's "Captain."
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer, with three T's. Four, if you count the one in "Captain."

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, I don't understand. You've dedicated your life to fighting crimes, right? Solving mysteries, sending guilty people to jail? Well, you can do that here. That's what juries do. It's the same thing.
Adrian Monk: But I work alone. I'm a lone wolf.
Natalie: You're a lone wolf?
Adrian Monk: Even when I was the force, I didn't really like having a partner. I can't work with other people.
Natalie: Okay, well, I think that's kind of sad.
Adrian Monk: I agree. That's very sad.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: You know, I hope you do get picked. I think it'd be good for you.
Adrian Monk: Don't say that.
Natalie: You know, you work with different kinds of people. You know, you listen to their opinions, argue, compromise.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Natalie. I, I know you mean well. I'd rather be sucked out of an airplane window.

Quote from Natalie

[After Juror #5 sneezes repeatedly behind Monk, Natalie leans over to hand Monk a wipe]
Judge Rienzo: What are you doing?
Natalie: He needs a wipe, your honor.
Judge Rienzo: Sit down, miss Teeger. Sit down. Now, if you interfere with the jury again, I will have you arrested for tampering and contempt, understand?
Natalie: Yes, sir. Sorry.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Housewife Juror: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm just making them even. So we can all concentrate. And not be distracted by uneven Venetian blinds.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I'm gonna need you all to be quiet.
Cobb: Yeah, you get quiet.
Teacher: Quiet!
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna walk around now. And pace back and forth. Then, when I'm ready, I'll tell you the solution. That's how it works.
Teacher: No. No way. You're not alone here. You have to talk to us. Tell us what you're thinking.
Adrian Monk: That's not how I do it. I have a system. It's a gift and a curse. Here's the thing, I don't like working with partners.
Foreman: Well, like it or not, you've got 11 partners now.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Natalie! Natalie!
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I brought your dinner! I'm gonna leave it downstairs!
Adrian Monk: Dumpster!
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: Dumpster! It's Natalie. There's a body in the dumpster!
Natalie: You want a hot toddy at Munster? I brought a cobb salad!
Adrian Monk: There's a body the dumpster!
Natalie: I just got the cobb salad!
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about?
Natalie: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: There is a dead body in the dumpster. Call Captain Stottlemeyer!
Natalie: Okay, wait, a body? Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Patel: We should not listen to this man. He is ruining America for everybody.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Escobar: Lieutenant, my nose itches.
Lieutenant Disher: Forget it.
Escobar: Ah, it doesn't matter. I'll scratch it myself soon enough.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain, he just said he gonna scratch his nose.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Lieutenant Disher: The way he said it was like a threat.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He threatened to scratch his nose?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Pat: Number 11, I have to thank you. I had to keep everybody here in this room busy arguing for a day and a half. I wasn't sure how I was gonna do it, but you made it easy.
Adrian Monk: Don't mention it.
Sports Fan Juror: Why are you doing this?
Adrian Monk: She's helping her boyfriend escape. She had to have a way to get into this building.
Pat: How about a little privacy, huh?
Adrian Monk: Not even. It's not even.
Pat: Shut up!
Adrian Monk: It's not even.
Pat: I've been waiting a long time to do this.
Adrian Monk: It's not even.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, are you okay? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Mr. Monk, what happened? [Monk mumbles] What? Hold on. [Monk mumbles] What? What?
Adrian Monk: I was saying for the love of God, please don't rip off the tape!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Jury Clerk: Hello. Did everybody sign in? If I call your name, you are required to come back tomorrow morning at 9 A.M. and report to room 302. If you do not hear your name you are excused.
Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] Here it comes.
Jury Clerk: Adrian Monk!
Adrian Monk: There it is.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Judge Rienzo: Okay, next stand up.
Court Clerk: State your name.
Natalie: Uh, Natalie Teeger.
Court Clerk: Spell it.
Natalie: Oh, no, I wasn't called.
Adrian Monk: She's my assistant, your honor.
Judge Rienzo: And you are...
Adrian Monk: Adrian Monk. Capital A, small D, small R, small I, small A, small N. Space.
Judge Rienzo: Thank you, Mr. Monk. I think we have it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Judge Rienzo: Whose phone was that?
Adrian Monk: It's hers, your honor, number 3. And she fell asleep. Yeah, you. Number 8, your honor.
Judge Rienzo: Nobody likes a tattletale, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: I think number 9 is a tattletale.
Judge Rienzo: That'll do, Mr. Monk.

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