Adrian Monk: Okay, uh, here's the thing, Mr. Mayor. Even if I do find the man who killed Jimmy Cusack, even if the strike ends tomorrow, it's not gonna solve the big problem.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: What problem is that?
Adrian Monk: Your Honor, we have got to... You've got to face facts. The city is ruined forever. It's a total loss. Even if we clean up all the garbage tomorrow, we'll never get the stink out. It's like the dining room carpet when the cat makes a... a B.M. on there. I mean, what do you? You don't have any choice really. You gotta replace the carpet! You gotta- You gotta get rid of the cat. And you can never eat in that dining room again, can you? No, you can't. But, I do have a plan. I have a plan.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Oh, good.
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. It just came to me last night in a vision. One, we evacuate the city. Every man, woman, and child.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Evacuate?
Adrian Monk: Two! We burn it down We just burn it. Scorched earth. Then, just to be safe, we collect all the ashes. And what do we do? We burn the ashes. Three. We bring everybody back and we start over. Think of it. Just think of it. We rebuild San Francisco. From scratch. Start fresh. Everything clean. Everything brand-new. Gonna have that new city smell. Fresh off the lot. We can even straighten out Lombard Street while we're at it.

Adrian Monk: Ah, I've done it again. Made the situation worse. [sighs] The union wants the mayor indicted for murder. The mayor's denying everything. And I haven't slept in nine days. [garbage bag drops in the background] It keeps piling up. I always hated garbage. Even when I was a kid. We lived 2.2 miles from the city dump. I used to lie in bed smelling it. Had nightmares all the time. About trash bags. Piling up outside. Higher and higher... Until we couldn't leave the house. We were buried alive. [another bag falls] And now, it's coming true. Dr. Kroger?
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, have you been sending me your trash?
Adrian Monk: [chortles] ... No.
Dr. Kroger: See, I've been getting boxes of trash sent to me in the mail.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, really. Now, Adrian, don't deny it. It's all sorted according to color and food groups. It's your handwriting on the label. It's upsetting my wife. It's upsetting my children. And I want it to stop. Adrian, do you hear me? [a flurry of bags drop] I want it to stop!
Adrian Monk: I want it to stop too.

Captain Stottlemeyer: You solved the case?
Adrian Monk: Take a look, take a look, take a little look. This was stapled to a telephone pole that was right in front of us the whole time. He's the guy!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who's the guy?
Lieutenant Disher: Alice Cooper?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you telling us that Alice Cooper, the rock star, killed Jimmy Cusack?
Adrian Monk: First off, I don't think Alice Cooper is his real name. Take a closer look. He is sitting in an antique wingback chair. The same kind of chair Jimmy Cusack was sitting in when he was killed. Check this out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: Check out the date. April 5th. Monday night. Same night as the murder. Coincidence?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, coincidence.
Adrian Monk: Ah, no. No, we were- We were looking at this case all wrong. 'Cause it never was about Cusack. It was never about the garbage strike. And it was never about the Sanitation Union. It was about the chair. The antique chair. The antique wingback Cusack chair! Here's what happened. It is no secret that rock and roll stars collect antiques. Especially antique chairs.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: Alice Cooper must have read about Jimmy Cusack's handcrafted wingback chair. He was consumed with envy! He was consumed with resentment! Alice had to possess the fairest antique wingbackchair in all the land.
Lieutenant Disher: Should I be writing this down?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nope.
Adrian Monk: It's true. Alice Cooper is a hippie. But he's the bad kind of hippie. He's the kind of hippie that breaks into people's offices and beats them up and shoots them in the head. Why? To steal their antique chairs.
Lieutenant Disher: Why didn't he take the chair?
Adrian Monk: Hello! It had a bullet hole in it. It had blood on it. He didn't want it anymore.
Lieutenant Disher: He could have washed it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy. I don't think we need to stand here and pick apart the Alice-Cooper-wants an-antique-chair theory.
Adrian Monk: If you will excuse me, I have a city to clean. One bag at a time! One bag at a time. One bag at a time. One bag at a time.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk! How you doing?
Adrian Monk: So far so fabulous! I've done seven, eight, nine houses.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, good for you. That looks great. You intend to clean up the entire city up by yourself?
Adrian Monk: Well that's the plan, Stan. Street by street. One bag at a time. One bag at a time. One bag at a time.
Lieutenant Disher: Where you gonna put the garbage?
Adrian Monk: I got it all figured. When this truck's full, gonna drive it into the bay. Then come back, get another truck. Keep driving 'em into the bay. One bag at a time. One truck at a time. One bag at a time. One truck at time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, so long as you got a plan.
Adrian Monk: Yeah!

Captain Stottlemeyer: Feeling better?
Adrian Monk: Where are we?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's called a fabrication room. This is where they assemble their new circuit boards. I know the guy in charge of their security. He owed me a favor.
Adrian Monk: I can't smell anything.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's right. They have their own oxygen supply. It is 100% germ free.
Adrian Monk: Germfree?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, you are sitting in the cleanest room in the world.
Adrian Monk: It's quiet too.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [sighs] Yeah. Well. We haven't got all day. They're kicking us out at 2:00. So, why don't we just kick back and enjoy ourselves. [takes out a yoyo]
Adrian Monk: I can feel my head. Clearing up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's good.

Delivery Guy: You called for pick-up?
Adrian Monk: Yeah! Thank you. Right there. Thank you. Watch the woodwork.
Delivery Guy: There's no address on these.
Adrian Monk: I know. Just send 'em anywhere. It doesn't matter.
Delivery Guy: Well, we can't just send 'em anywhere, sir. We gotta have an address.
Adrian Monk: Don't you guys have a depot place? Where you can just 'em in a corner?
Delivery Guy: "Put 'em in a corner"?
Adrian Monk: O- Okay, okay. All right, uh... What- Uh, what's your address?
Delivery Guy: Have a nice day, sir.
Adrian Monk: All right, okay! All right. Okay, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Okay, just a second. All right. Okay, there it is. There's- There's- There's the address. And that's where you send it. Right there. Thank you very- Watch the woodwork. Watch the trim.
Natalie: What were you doing?
Adrian Monk: Nothing. Nothing.
Natalie: Where's your garbage? Did you just mail your garbage to somebody?
Adrian Monk: These are desperate times, Natalie. Desperate times.

Adrian Monk: That was easy.
Natalie: No, no, no, no. Wait. No. You haven't even looked around.
Adrian Monk: I did. I looked around.
Natalie: No, no, no. You didn't do the thing. You know. With your hands. With your hands... Come on. Come on.

Natalie: Tell him.
Adrian Monk: Okay. All right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: [quietly mumbles] It was a murder.
Natalie: Louder!
Adrian Monk: It was murder.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're not talking about the Jimmy Cusack case, are you?
Natalie: Yeah, Mr. Monk here saw some stuff at the crime scene he's failed to mention. He thinks it's a homicide.
Adrian Monk: It was for the G.G. The greater good! The G.G. Captain, it was... The stench out there. The stench! I-I can't think straight. A smell like that can kill! People die from smells every day. That's a fact.

Adrian Monk: [joins chant] Union! Union! [talks] My name- My name is Adrian Monk. I- I am not technically a sanitation worker. Although, I have always felt like one in spirit. I recognize a lot of you. Ronnie, Morris.
Union Vice President: Excuse me, sir? We appreciate your support. But this is a closed meeting.
Adrian Monk: I- I won't be long. I just wanted to say, you've made your point. Congratulations! We get it now.
You can all go back to work. Union!
Union Vice President: Now, w-w-wait a minute. What about our contract?
Adrian Monk: Okay, I know money is important.
Man: Damn right.
Adrian Monk: But, that's not why you guys became garbage men, is it? You're doing God's work out there.
You're keeping the streets clean for the people. Right? You do it - say it with me -f or the people. Well, let me tell you something. The people are suffering. The people- People are going a little nuts out there. The people can't wash the stink off their hands. The people are having trouble sleeping. People woke up this morning at 5:00. couldn't get back to sleep because... Smelled like a buffalo had died in the people's closets!

Natalie: Thank God you're here. He's having some sort of breakdown. He won't even talk to me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell's he doing?
Natalie: He's cleaning up San Francisco single-handedly.
Adrian Monk: [beeps horn] Hey, Captain! Lieutenant!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Where did he get the truck?
Natalie: He told the dispatcher it was a police emergency.
Lieutenant Disher: He's like a vigilante. A garbage vigilante.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You could say that, but don't.