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‘Mr. Monk and the Miracle’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Miracle

709. Mr. Monk and the Miracle

Aired November 28, 2008

Three homeless men hire Monk to figure out what happened to their friend who was murdered. Meanwhile, the Captain abruptly quits the force and joins a monastery after his back pain is miraculously healed.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Sorry I'm late.
Adrian Monk: What's that?
Natalie: I forgot the gravy for Monday night, the big dinner.
Adrian Monk: You wasted a trip. They make their own gravy.
Natalie: Who makes their own gravy?
Adrian Monk: Bums.
Natalie: "Bums make their own gravy." What does that even mean?
Adrian Monk: You don't wanna know.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, look at all these people. They really believe in it.
Adrian Monk: Well, they're people. They'll believe anything.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you should try it. You should drink from the fountain.
Adrian Monk: You can't be serious.
Natalie: You're in so much pain all the time, you know? What if there's something to it? You know? I mean, anything's possible.
Adrian Monk: That's not exactly true. A lot of things are what we call impossible. It's the opposite of possible. I get it. I'll give you an example. Um, this.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Captain. Captain. Captain, you can't go to Spain without knowing the truth.
Man: Ssh.
Adrian Monk: It wasn't a miracle. The water, the fountain, it was all a hoax.
Natalie: I'm sorry, captain.
Adrian Monk: It was the pharmacist, Owen McCloskey.
Natalie: He killed Willie T.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [chants with monks]
Adrian Monk: [deep, in tune with chant] Here's what happened. McCloskey killed his partner and buried him here. Nine years later, planning to renovate, body would be discovered.
Natalie: [ditto] He couldn't dig up the body. They had built a fountain there.
Adrian Monk: He had to stop them from digging. He started changing their prescriptions to make his patients sicker.
Natalie: That's why you never got better.
Adrian Monk: He did it to everyone. He painted that sign on your door. Willie the bum must have seen him. That's why McCloskey killed him.
All: Amen.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie Teeger: Christmas doesn't mean anything to you?
Adrian Monk: Not anymore.
Julie Teeger: Why don't you believe in anything, Mr. Monk? What are you so afraid of?
Natalie: I'll tell you what I think. I think Mr. Monk has been afraid of so many things for so many years, he's afraid of not being afraid.
Adrian Monk: What does that mean?
Natalie: Think about it.
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid to.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Huh, that's interesting.
Natalie: Yeah, maybe the captain saw something, I mean, something unusual. What is that?
Lieutenant Disher: What?
Natalie: On your face. On your lip.
Adrian Monk: It looks a little bit like a mustache.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job. [Natalie and Monk lean in and stare] Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Natalie: You're making me a little uncomfortable.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie Teeger: Uh, Mr. Monk, these men want to talk to you.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God.
Ike: Hello. Are you Mr. Monk, the detective?
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God.
The Professor: That's Ike. That's Reggie. And they call me The Professor. We asked around. And they says you was the best.
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. I can't help you. I'm retired.
The Professor: As of when?
Adrian Monk: As of "Hello, are you Mr. Monk?"

Quote from Natalie

Brother Andrew: Hello. I'm Brother Andrew.
Natalie: Hi. I'm Natalie Teeger, and this is Adrian Monk. [laughs] Mr. Monk and the monk. Sorry. Are you allowed to laugh?
Brother Andrew: We've been known to chuckle.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie Teeger: Is that your tree?
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
Julie Teeger: It's cardboard.
Adrian Monk: Right. No muss, no fuss. A lot of people are doing it.
Julie Teeger: Who?
Adrian Monk: People, you know, who are me. What do you think?
Julie Teeger: I think it's sad.
Adrian Monk: Well, I know it's sad. I mean, is it straight?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: He's not retired. He's joking, he's joking. So would you guys like to have a seat?
Adrian Monk: No, no, no! No, that couch doesn't work. None of these chairs... Hey, I have an idea. Uh, why don't we all stand on some newspaper? Julie, go get some newspaper. Everybody hold it in until we get some newspaper, okay?
Ike: Hold what in? What do you think we're gonna do?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I don't know. Just hold it in. Hold it.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: All set?
Adrian Monk: The bums ripped me off. Canadian bottles.
Natalie: Aw, why don't you just fly up to Vancouver? You can redeem 'em there.
Adrian Monk: Fly up to Vancouver? You know how much that would cost? I mean, the taxi ride to the airport alone-- [Natalie laughs] I get it. You're joking.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Reggie: Mm, this is good. This stuffing is delicious.
Natalie: Oh, thank you, it's my grandmother's recipe.
Reggie: I love this gravy. Usually we make our own, but...
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, could you repeat that about the gravy?
Reggie: Mm. Usually we make our own.
Adrian Monk: Huh. Isn't that interesting? Natalie, did you hear that?
Natalie: Yes. Yes, I did.
Adrian Monk: Good. Interesting.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Uh, excuse me, what's going on?
Man: The fountain is blessed. Exodus 23. "And ye shall serve the Lord your God. And he shall bless thy bread and thy water. And I will take the sickness from amidst thee."
Adrian Monk: No kidding. We're looking for a friend of ours. Uh, they found his car parked out front.
Man: I haven't seen him.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie Teeger: "My dear friends, drinking from that fountain has healed me, not just physically, spiritually too. I have made a decision. I am leaving on Thursday morning, Christmas day, to spend two years at a mission in Carmona, Spain, to cleanse myself and start anew."
Adrian Monk: Two years?
Julie Teeger: "I want everyone to know I am not running away from anything. I am running toward something, something true and wonderful. God bless you all, Brother Leland." And here's his badge.
Adrian Monk: Two years? That's almost three years. Without the captain? What am I supposed to do? It's almost as if he didn't even consider me.
Julie Teeger: Well, maybe he knows what he's doing.
Natalie: Yeah. Maybe we should be happy for him.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, okay. Okay. Let me try. Hmm. No, that's not gonna happen.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, why don't you try it?
Adrian Monk: Try what?
Natalie: Drinking from the fountain. It worked for the captain.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie: Oh, God, Mr. Monk, come on. You have to believe in something. I don't know what I'd do If I didn't think I'd see Mitch again.
Adrian Monk: You mean in heaven?
Natalie: Of course in heaven! Where'd you think I was going?
Adrian Monk: Well, you know, the drinking, and you kissed a leper.
Natalie: You think I'm going to hell?
Adrian Monk: She kissed a leper.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Mr. Monk, seriously. Seriously, deep down, in your heart of hearts, don't you believe that you'll see Trudy again? All right, you know what? Come on. We'll be back in an hour. Don't open any Christmas presents.
Adrian Monk: What? Where are we going?
Natalie: This can count as my Christmas gift.
Adrian Monk: Where are we going?
Natalie: You look thirsty. I think you need a drink.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: McCloskey's already talking. We're digging up the fountain tomorrow too. I'm sorry you had to go through all that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not.
Lieutenant Disher: How's that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not sorry. [chuckles] I know it's all a hoax. I know it's a big con game. But It felt real. That's all I can say. Randy, when I drank that water, something happened. It was like a slate inside me was wiped clean and I started over. It felt great. Hey, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call my son. Oh, no, no, hang on. Wait a minute. Um, I almost forgot. This is for you. [hands Disher a razor] Merry Christmas. [answers phone] Jared, hey! I was just about to call you. Yeah, I love you too.
Lieutenant Disher: It's a razor. Is this for me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Shave it.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: It's a razor. Is this for me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Shave it. [on the phone with Jared] Oh, I- Oh, I'd love to see you. I'm- I- I'm free all weekend. That'd be great.
Lieutenant Disher: What if I grow a little goatee instead?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. [to Jared] Uh, Friday, uh, Friday, yeah. Friday night, I'll pick you up at the airport.
Lieutenant Disher: What about sideburns? I could do sideburns. Like, probably down to the bottom of my ear, I bet. Mutton chops.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. [to Jared] Hey, look, um, Friday night, I'll meet you at the airport.
Lieutenant Disher: Soul patch. I can do a soul patch right there.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Is that my ladle?
Natalie: Is that a problem?
Adrian Monk: No, it's fine. Help yourself. [doorbell rings]
Julie Teeger: I'll get it.
Natalie: Wait, I-
Adrian Monk: May I? I just thought of something I want for Christmas. A new ladle. And a lock for my utensil drawer.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Can we do anything for you gentlemen?
The Professor: Last night, a friend of ours was killed. And we want to hire Mr. Monk to investigate. Did you talk to the police?
Reggie: They didn't really listen, ma'am. They said it was an accident. And that Willie - that's his name - climbed into an old refrigerator to stay warm, closed the door, and then suffocated.
Adrian Monk: Accidents.
Natalie: But you don't think so.
Ike: Last night, he said that someone was after him, someone was chasing him. But we didn't believe him.
Adrian Monk: Delusional.
The Professor: We got money. You can redeem these anywhere. It comes to $14. [drops trash bags]
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What are you doing, Natalie? You're not really gonna feed them.
Natalie: Of course I'm feeding them. They're hungry.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Natalie, Natalie, I- I can't take this job. Please don't make me take this job.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you have to help these men.
Adrian Monk: Okay, here it comes.
Natalie: Number one, they have nowhere else to go. Number two, they collected cans and bottles to pay your salary. That's every nickel they have in the world. When was the last time a client offered you every nickel they had?
Reggie: [holding ladle] Excuse me. You throwing this away?
Adrian Monk: You know what, it's all yours. You keep it.

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