Natalie: Sorry I'm late.
Adrian Monk: What's that?
Natalie: I forgot the gravy for Monday night, the big dinner.
Adrian Monk: You wasted a trip. They make their own gravy.
Natalie: Who makes their own gravy?
Adrian Monk: Bums.
Natalie: "Bums make their own gravy." What does that even mean?
Adrian Monk: You don't wanna know.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, look at all these people. They really believe in it.
Adrian Monk: Well, they're people. They'll believe anything.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you should try it. You should drink from the fountain.
Adrian Monk: You can't be serious.
Natalie: You're in so much pain all the time, you know? What if there's something to it? You know? I mean, anything's possible.
Adrian Monk: That's not exactly true. A lot of things are what we call impossible. It's the opposite of possible. I get it. I'll give you an example. Um, this.

Adrian Monk: Captain. Captain. Captain, you can't go to Spain without knowing the truth.
Man: Ssh.
Adrian Monk: It wasn't a miracle. The water, the fountain, it was all a hoax.
Natalie: I'm sorry, captain.
Adrian Monk: It was the pharmacist, Owen McCloskey.
Natalie: He killed Willie T.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [chants with monks]
Adrian Monk: [deep, in tune with chant] Here's what happened. McCloskey killed his partner and buried him here. Nine years later, planning to renovate, body would be discovered.
Natalie: [ditto] He couldn't dig up the body. They had built a fountain there.
Adrian Monk: He had to stop them from digging. He started changing their prescriptions to make his patients sicker.
Natalie: That's why you never got better.
Adrian Monk: He did it to everyone. He painted that sign on your door. Willie the bum must have seen him. That's why McCloskey killed him.
All: Amen.

Julie Teeger: Christmas doesn't mean anything to you?
Adrian Monk: Not anymore.
Julie Teeger: Why don't you believe in anything, Mr. Monk? What are you so afraid of?
Natalie: I'll tell you what I think. I think Mr. Monk has been afraid of so many things for so many years, he's afraid of not being afraid.
Adrian Monk: What does that mean?
Natalie: Think about it.
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid to.

Lieutenant Disher: Huh, that's interesting.
Natalie: Yeah, maybe the captain saw something, I mean, something unusual. What is that?
Lieutenant Disher: What?
Natalie: On your face. On your lip.
Adrian Monk: It looks a little bit like a mustache.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job. [Natalie and Monk lean in and stare] Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Natalie: You're making me a little uncomfortable.

Julie Teeger: Uh, Mr. Monk, these men want to talk to you.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God.
Ike: Hello. Are you Mr. Monk, the detective?
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God.
The Professor: That's Ike. That's Reggie. And they call me The Professor. We asked around. And they says you was the best.
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. I can't help you. I'm retired.
The Professor: As of when?
Adrian Monk: As of "Hello, are you Mr. Monk?"

Brother Andrew: Hello. I'm Brother Andrew.
Natalie: Hi. I'm Natalie Teeger, and this is Adrian Monk. [laughs] Mr. Monk and the monk. Sorry. Are you allowed to laugh?
Brother Andrew: We've been known to chuckle.

Natalie: All set?
Adrian Monk: The bums ripped me off. Canadian bottles.
Natalie: Aw, why don't you just fly up to Vancouver? You can redeem 'em there.
Adrian Monk: Fly up to Vancouver? You know how much that would cost? I mean, the taxi ride to the airport alone-- [Natalie laughs] I get it. You're joking.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, seriously. Seriously, deep down, in your heart of hearts, don't you believe that you'll see Trudy again? All right, you know what? Come on. We'll be back in an hour. Don't open any Christmas presents.
Adrian Monk: What? Where are we going?
Natalie: This can count as my Christmas gift.
Adrian Monk: Where are we going?
Natalie: You look thirsty. I think you need a drink.

Julie Teeger: Is that your tree?
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
Julie Teeger: It's cardboard.
Adrian Monk: Right. No muss, no fuss. A lot of people are doing it.
Julie Teeger: Who?
Adrian Monk: People, you know, who are me. What do you think?
Julie Teeger: I think it's sad.
Adrian Monk: Well, I know it's sad. I mean, is it straight?