Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Mr. Monk and the Astronaut’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Astronaut

414. Mr. Monk and the Astronaut

Aired March 3, 2006

Monk suspects a famous astronaut killed his ex-girlfriend despite his air-tight alibi: he was in space at the time.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: I think I know how Wagner did it. Okay. This is the ship. And let's pretend this globe represents the Earth.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a globe. It does represent the Earth.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. Okay. Here's what happened. First part was easy. He takes off. As he passes over San Francisco, he activates the escape pod.
Adrian Monk: Well, wait. Uh, wait. Uh, was- Was there an escape pod on the ship?
Lieutenant Disher: No. Not officially. But I think he smuggled one on.
Natalie: And where did he get it, the escape pod?
Lieutenant Disher: He built it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Out of a kit in his basement.
Lieutenant Disher: He's resourceful. Anyway. Splashdown. He climbs out of the pod, makes his way to her house, kills her, climbs back onto the pod, fires up the engines, back in space.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy. That's-
Lieutenant Disher: It's just a theory.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't think so. No. I've heard theories before and, uh, they don't sound like that.
It's him.

Rate

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Adrian Monk: [sighs] When I when I look at a man, a real man, like Steve Wagner... I just feel weak. I just feel so inadequate. I know he's guilty. But I'll never be able to prove it.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, Steve Wagner is a human being. And if he's guilty, I know something he's very much afraid of.
Adrian Monk: What's that?
Dr. Kroger: You.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Career day. What would I talk about?
Natalie: Your career. Your job. [Monk groans] Oh, come on, Mr. Monk. It would mean so much to Julie.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I can't do it. I'm sorry. I can't speak in public.
Natalie: See, that's not true. Remember when I first started working for you and you made that list of all your fears and phobias. There were 103 things. Public speaking wasn't one of them.
Adrian Monk: Actually, there were a couple of things that I didn't mention. I didn't want you to think I was weird.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Natalie: Excuse me. Why are we here? She killed herself, right?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, maybe. I'm not sure. I noticed a few things. I wanted to run them by you. I found a letter from a publisher in New York. She was about to have a book published. A memoir called, "Between the sheets: The Joanne Raphelson story."
Adrian Monk: Between the... Oh, yeah. I get it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And a check for 50 grand, which she has not deposited. Pretty weird time to hang yourself, huh?
Lieutenant Disher: Good work, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You don't have to sound so surprised, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, I'm not surprised. Awestruck. Awestruck.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, don't be. And that's an order.
Lieutenant Disher: You're ordering me not to be awestruck?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's right. Stand over there and don't be awestruck.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who's the guy?
Adrian Monk: The astronaut. He killed her. Somebody made that exact same drink at Joanne Raphelson's house before she died.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, it's not possible. He was in space.
Adrian Monk: He did it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Outer space, Monk. He was on TV. He was orbiting the Earth.
Natalie: Gotta admit, it's a pretty good alibi.
Adrian Monk: He- He's the guy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: And they were just toys. Little red flashlights. But I was terrified. I wanted to scream.
Dr. Kroger: What, what did you do?
Adrian Monk: I screamed. At least I heard screaming. I'm pretty sure it was me.

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Dr. Kroger: You're never going to be completely free of fear. You can't expect that. But real courage is being afraid of something and doing it anyway.
Adrian Monk: Nah.
Dr. Kroger: [off Monk's look] What?
Adrian Monk: Steve Wagner said the exact same thing.
Dr. Kroger: Really? [smiles] The astronaut.
Adrian Monk: Doctor, he killed his girlfriend.
Dr. Kroger: Which I do not condone. It's indefensible, of course.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Seems I'm afraid all the time. I'm so tired of being afraid.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian. I'm anxious to talk about your phobias. We talked about aversion therapy.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay. Let's, let's, let's do it. Let's do it right now.
Dr. Kroger: Okay. Okay. All right.
Adrian Monk: Here we go.
Dr. Kroger: All right. Which of your fears would you like to work on first?
Adrian Monk: Glaciers.
Dr. Kroger: Glaciers.
Adrian Monk: No. Rodeos. Ah, glaciers. Glaciers.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Girl: Have you ever caught a real killer?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I've caught a lot of killers. Some killers are very smart. And some are very powerful. Some are even famous. They don't think they will ever be caught. [looks to Steve Wagner] But in the end, they, they're always caught. And I'll tell you why. Because the police can make mistakes. I make mistakes all the time. But, uh... [Monk notices a laser pointer dot on his jacket] But see, a killer has to be, uh... A killer has to be perfect. And, uh, nobody's perfect. The first police officers appeared in Ancient Rome in 200 B.C. They were called Centurions. In many ways, they were like our modern police force. It was their job to... To... To enforce laws and to to maintain order. They were, uh, chosen for their their loyalty and their courage. [Monk rips his jacket off as he freaks out about the laser pointers]

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Anything else?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, yeah. Looks like her computer's missing. There's a power strip with a surge protector, a printer, and no computer.
Lieutenant Disher: Excuse me, sir. Sorry. I've never disobeyed an order in my life. It's really good work. It's awesome.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, why don't you go outside and talk to the neighbors?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir. It's awesome.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Okay, so Julie's next guest is Mr. Adrian Monk, who's also my boss. So, everybody, be extra nice. He's going to talk about what it's like to be a police detective.
Adrian Monk: Hi. Hi, I'm I'm, um... I'm... [starts rearranging Russian nesting dolls]
Natalie: Leave it. [kids laugh as Monk knocks some over]
Adrian Monk: I'm, uh... I'm Adrian Monk. Who wants to be a detective when they grow up? What about you?
Girl: No.
Adrian Monk: Everybody in your row has their hand up. If you put your hand up it would be a perfect row. Put your hand up!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Boy: Where's your gun?
Adrian Monk: Um, I, uh, I don't have, I don't have one.
Boy #2: You can't carry one 'cause you had a breakdown.
Adrian Monk: Oh, well, uh...
Boy: Julie says you're afraid of milk.
Adrian Monk: Well, everybody's afraid of something, right?
Boy #3: Julie said you're afraid of everything.
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I really... I'm..

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Here, Mr. Monk. Drink that. Are you okay? That was a good, good speech. I think the kids learned a lot.
Adrian Monk: Are they still laughing?
Natalie: Well, they'll have to stop soon. The period's almost over.
Adrian Monk: I am such a... What do you call it?
Natalie: Wuss. No, Mr. Monk, you are not a wuss.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm not a man. I know that. I'm a mutant. I'm half man, half wuss. I'm a muss.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Could we come too? I'm a big aviation buff, fan.
Natalie: That's so true. Such a fanatic.
Adrian Monk: I love airplanes.
Natalie: Just crazy about the, uh...
Adrian Monk: Can't get enough of them.
Natalie: The takeoff.
Adrian Monk: And the wings and all. And... the rudder.
Natalie: And that, the landing. You wouldn't mind if we come, do you?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. Before he left, Wagner must've gone to Joanne's house. He drugged her but not enough to kill her. Just enough to knock her out for a couple of days. Then he built a machine, a murder machine, a machine that would hang her on Wednesday long after he was gone.
Natalie: What kind of machine?
Adrian Monk: A garage door opener. He left her there drugged. Probably tied up. And then took off into space with the whole world watching. Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Security Guard: They're at ramp two. He's handling the missiles.
Natalie: No, no, no, no. Those are missiles. They could be nuclear weapons!
Adrian Monk: Then stop me for the love of God.
Natalie: I don't understand. She died on Wednesday. How did he activate the machine?
Adrian Monk: It was so simple, it was brilliant! He used a remote control. He taped it or glued it down so it stayed on. Then he put the remote control inside one of those dolls. Then he mailed it to her own house second day mail.
Natalie: Second day mail? Wednesday morning.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. It was like a time bomb. The mail man delivered the remote control, put it on the front porch. On the other side of that door, she was being strangled.
Natalie: Oh, my God. But they found her in the living room!
Adrian Monk: After he landed, Wagner went back to her house. He dismantled the machine and moved her body into the other room. It was a perfect plan except for one thing. The doll was missing. He must've panicked. He went back there again today to find it. He knows that remote could tie him to the murder. His fingerprints are all over it.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Natalie: Mr. Monk. Julie made something for you.
Adrian Monk: What?
Julie Teeger: Well, all my friends at school were talking about what you did and how we were so wrong about Mr. Wagner. And how you caught him. Well, um, anyways, I made you this in art class.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Julie.
Julie Teeger: It's a medal of valor. 'Cause you're the bravest man I've ever known except for my father.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: So am I right? Something's not kosher?
Adrian Monk: It's her driver's license. How tall do you think that stool is?
Natalie: Uh, about 18 inches.
Adrian Monk: The rope's 7'6". But according to her license, she's only 5'5".
Natalie: I'm 5'5".
Captain Stottlemeyer: Step up.
Adrian Monk: You're right. It doesn't add up.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: Captain. This is, uh, Darrel Cain. Darrel Cain, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. Natalie Teeger.
Adrian Monk.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hi.
Lieutenant Disher: Mr. Cain says he was home last week. But he didn't see anything.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. That box is addressed to Joanne Raphelson.
Darrell Cain: Yeah. It was on her porch. Well, I'd heard she died. I figured it was up for grabs.
Natalie: You can't just take mail from somebody's porch.
Darrell Cain: Yeah, you can if it's fruit. Law doesn't apply to fruit because it's perishable.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Actually, sir, the law does apply to fruit. [to Disher] Are you eating one?
Lieutenant Disher: No. I was just putting that back.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Is this a bad time?
Steve Wagner: Oh. No. No. Some friends are throwing me a little party. It's sort of a tradition.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Congratulations on your flight.
Lieutenant Disher: Hey, and, uh, congratulations on that crash landing four years ago. Oh, and, uh, marrying the figure skater.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, congratulations on your whole damn life.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: This is Lieutenant Disher, Natalie Teeger, and Adrian Monk.
Steve Wagner: Monk. I know that name. You're the detective. The one who quit.
Adrian Monk: I, I, I didn't quit, exactly. It was, it was a leave of absence.
Steve Wagner: It's nothing to be ashamed of, Mr. Monk. Some people just can't handle the pressure.
Adrian Monk: I didn't quit.

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode