‘Mr. Monk and the Astronaut’
Season 4, Episode 14 - Aired March 3, 2006
Monk suspects a famous astronaut killed his ex-girlfriend despite his air-tight alibi: he was in space at the time.
Quote from Lieutenant Disher
Lieutenant Disher: I think I know how Wagner did it. Okay. This is the ship. And let's pretend this globe represents the Earth.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a globe. It does represent the Earth.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. Okay. Here's what happened. First part was easy. He takes off. As he passes over San Francisco, he activates the escape pod.
Adrian Monk: Well, wait. Uh, wait. Uh, was- Was there an escape pod on the ship?
Lieutenant Disher: No. Not officially. But I think he smuggled one on.
Natalie: And where did he get it, the escape pod?
Lieutenant Disher: He built it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Out of a kit in his basement.
Lieutenant Disher: He's resourceful. Anyway. Splashdown. He climbs out of the pod, makes his way to her house, kills her, climbs back onto the pod, fires up the engines, back in space.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy. That's-
Lieutenant Disher: It's just a theory.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't think so. No. I've heard theories before and, uh, they don't sound like that.
Quote from Dr. Kroger
Adrian Monk: [sighs] When I when I look at a man, a real man, like Steve Wagner... I just feel weak. I just feel so inadequate. I know he's guilty. But I'll never be able to prove it.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, Steve Wagner is a human being. And if he's guilty, I know something he's very much afraid of.
Adrian Monk: What's that?
Dr. Kroger: You.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: Career day. What would I talk about?
Natalie: Your career. Your job. [Monk groans] Oh, come on, Mr. Monk. It would mean so much to Julie.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I can't do it. I'm sorry. I can't speak in public.
Natalie: See, that's not true. Remember when I first started working for you and you made that list of all your fears and phobias. There were 103 things. Public speaking wasn't one of them.
Adrian Monk: Actually, there were a couple of things that I didn't mention. I didn't want you to think I was weird.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who's the guy?
Adrian Monk: The astronaut. He killed her. Somebody made that exact same drink at Joanne Raphelson's house before she died.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, it's not possible. He was in space.
Adrian Monk: He did it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Outer space, Monk. He was on TV. He was orbiting the Earth.
Natalie: Gotta admit, it's a pretty good alibi.
Adrian Monk: He- He's the guy.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: And they were just toys. Little red flashlights. But I was terrified. I wanted to scream.
Dr. Kroger: What, what did you do?
Adrian Monk: I screamed. At least I heard screaming. I'm pretty sure it was me.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: Seems I'm afraid all the time. I'm so tired of being afraid.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian. I'm anxious to talk about your phobias. We talked about aversion therapy.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay. Let's, let's, let's do it. Let's do it right now.
Dr. Kroger: Okay. Okay. All right.
Adrian Monk: Here we go.
Dr. Kroger: All right. Which of your fears would you like to work on first?
Adrian Monk: Glaciers.
Dr. Kroger: Glaciers.
Adrian Monk: No. Rodeos. Ah, glaciers. Glaciers.
Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer
Natalie: Excuse me. Why are we here? She killed herself, right?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, maybe. I'm not sure. I noticed a few things. I wanted to run them by you. I found a letter from a publisher in New York. She was about to have a book published. A memoir called, "Between the sheets: The Joanne Raphelson story."
Adrian Monk: Between the... Oh, yeah. I get it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And a check for 50 grand, which she has not deposited. Pretty weird time to hang yourself, huh?
Lieutenant Disher: Good work, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You don't have to sound so surprised, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, I'm not surprised. Awestruck. Awestruck.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, don't be. And that's an order.
Lieutenant Disher: You're ordering me not to be awestruck?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's right. Stand over there and don't be awestruck.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir.
Quote from Dr. Kroger
Dr. Kroger: You're never going to be completely free of fear. You can't expect that. But real courage is being afraid of something and doing it anyway.
Adrian Monk: Nah.
Dr. Kroger: [off Monk's look] What?
Adrian Monk: Steve Wagner said the exact same thing.
Dr. Kroger: Really? [smiles] The astronaut.
Adrian Monk: Doctor, he killed his girlfriend.
Dr. Kroger: Which I do not condone. It's indefensible, of course.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Girl: Have you ever caught a real killer?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I've caught a lot of killers. Some killers are very smart. And some are very powerful. Some are even famous. They don't think they will ever be caught. [looks to Steve Wagner] But in the end, they, they're always caught. And I'll tell you why. Because the police can make mistakes. I make mistakes all the time. But, uh... [Monk notices a laser pointer dot on his jacket] But see, a killer has to be, uh... A killer has to be perfect. And, uh, nobody's perfect. The first police officers appeared in Ancient Rome in 200 B.C. They were called Centurions. In many ways, they were like our modern police force. It was their job to... To... To enforce laws and to to maintain order. They were, uh, chosen for their their loyalty and their courage. [Monk rips his jacket off as he freaks out about the laser pointers]
Quote from Adrian Monk
Natalie: Okay, so Julie's next guest is Mr. Adrian Monk, who's also my boss. So, everybody, be extra nice. He's going to talk about what it's like to be a police detective.
Adrian Monk: Hi. Hi, I'm I'm, um... I'm... [starts rearranging Russian nesting dolls]
Natalie: Leave it. [kids laugh as Monk knocks some over]
Adrian Monk: I'm, uh... I'm Adrian Monk. Who wants to be a detective when they grow up? What about you?
Girl: No.
Adrian Monk: Everybody in your row has their hand up. If you put your hand up it would be a perfect row. Put your hand up!