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‘Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert

508. Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert

Aired August 25, 2006

When Monk and Natalie follow Stottlemeyer to a rock concert as he searches for his son Jared, they stumble into a homicide investigation after a roadie seemingly overdoses.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I was just calling for a taxi. They're gonna pick me up out front in about ten minutes.
Natalie: But, Mr. Monk, that wasn't a phone booth.
Adrian Monk: No, that wasn't a phone booth. Natalie, that was some kind of horrible plastic outhouse! Oh, my God. What was I talking into? My God, where's... Where did I put that quarter? For the love of God, Natalie, where did I put that quarter?

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: My kid, my oldest, has skipped school, and Karen thinks he's gone to a rock show.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I used to do that. Play hooky, go to rock shows.
Natalie: You did?
Adrian Monk: All the time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Anyhow, I gotta get up there, see if I can't find him.
Natalie: Okay. You need some help?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, you know, I wouldn't mind. Thank you.
Adrian Monk: I'll come with you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good.
Natalie: Are you sure?
Adrian Monk: Of course I'm sure.
Natalie: I'm sorry, I just can't picture you at one of these.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about? I used to go all the time. Get a bus into the city, see the stones.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Mr. Monk, what did you think of your first rock concert?
Adrian Monk: I like the old songs. Why don't people write old songs anymore?
Natalie: I don't know, Mr. Monk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Wait, wait, wait. What kind of rock show is this?
Natalie: It's the biggest festival of the year.
Adrian Monk: Festival?
Natalie: Oh, wait. Were you- Mr. Monk, you thought they were real rocks? Like a geology exhibit? Like in a museum?
Adrian Monk: Maybe. Perfectly understandable mistake.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, not really.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: So I guess I'll need a ride home.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm not going home without my kid.
Adrian Monk: All right, look, I- I can't. I can't do it. I- I can't go in there.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, come on, the captain needs you.
Adrian Monk: But there's 10,000 of them, and not even one of me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, look, I understand Monk. Why don't you just go wait by the car?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'll go wait by the car.
Natalie: Okay, it's gonna be awhile.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'll be okay, don't worry about me. Take your time, but- But hurry back. But take your time. And hurry back.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, how long do you think I was in there?
Natalie: I don't know, Mr. Monk, maybe a minute.
Adrian Monk: That was rough. It was like some kind of medieval torture device, that thing.
Natalie: Yeah, I know. I actually read, for the Spanish Inquisition, they used to lock people in Port-A-Johns.
Adrian Monk: That wouldn't surprise me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Kendra Frank: Excuse me! Excuse me, hi. I heard some cops talking back there. They said you're some kind of detective.
Adrian Monk: That's true, I am some kind of detective.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: [answers phone, hoarsely] Hello?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy, how you doing, buddy, I'm... I was worried about you.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Lieutenant Disher: [coughs] What time is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you up? Hey, what's that music I hear?
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, it's just my stereo. [coughs] It's broken, I can't turn it down. Listen, Captain, thanks for calling.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm gonna... I'm gonna get up now. I think I should make myself some soup. [coughs]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, soup, that's good. Yeah, fluids are good. Drink plenty of fluids.
Lieutenant Disher: Fluids, okay, I will. Thanks for calling, Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take care, all right.
Lieutenant Disher: [to a woman] My boss. [Stottlemeyer pats Randy on the shoulder] Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant.
Lieutenant Disher: Did you, uh, did you call in sick too?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, Randy, I'm looking for Jared.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, here's what happened with me. I was on my way to the doctor, and the... I was... And the... The... I got nothing. Let's go find Jared.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [shouting over the music] Here's what happened! The roadie, Stork, wrote a song.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: The roadie, Stork, wrote a song! Kris Kedder stole it! Stork must have confronted Kedder! Kris killed him!
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: He tried to make it look like Stork OD'd! So he stuffed him into the hell hole!
Natalie: You mean that Port-A-John!
Adrian Monk: No, I mean the hell hole!
Captain Stottlemeyer: The hell what?
Adrian Monk: At some point, he remembered that Stork was off drugs and that he was afraid of needles! He knew that nobody would believe that Stork OD'd like that! Then he had to make it look like Stork was back on drugs and over his fear of needles, so he disguised himself and he went to the acupuncturist!
Natalie: Oh, and he made sure he mentioned he was looking for heroin!
Adrian Monk: Right. And he put the map in Stork's pocket to lead us to the acupuncturist. And he... Uh, uh. And he closed the door. And he locked it from the outside. God, I can't hear the music. I think I've gone deaf.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, the song is over.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Captain!
Adrian Monk: Oh, Captain, for the record, this was all her idea. All right, I- I wouldn't even be here if I could drive or had anything else to do.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, I give up, what is it?
Natalie: It's a $34 dry cleaning bill to clean the shirt and jacket that Mr. Monk ruined when he ran through the poultry farm to recover the ransom money in the Jimmy Creskow kidnapping case. What are you going to do about it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Try to ignore it.
Natalie: No, we've already submitted this twice. It is a work-related expense, and we are entitled to compensation.
Adrian Monk: Not my idea.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, I couldn't agree with you more. I think you guys are entitled to every dime you can get. But there's nothing I can do about it. Lieutenant Disher is the disbursement coordinator.
Natalie: Okay, where is he? He's not here, he called in sick.
Adrian Monk: Is he okay?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, he didn't sound too good, he's got a fever and he's got a cough.
Adrian Monk: That phlegmy fluid thing?
Natalie: Okay, when Randy is not here, who is in charge of payout?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That would be the assistant disbursement coordinator.
Natalie: And who is that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We don't have one. Anything else?
Adrian Monk: Nah, that covers it.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Security Guard: All right, people. Bracelets. Let me see 'em. Bracelets, people. Keep your arms up, see your bracelets.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't have a bracelet, all I have is this.
Security Guard: How can I help you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm looking for my son. He's 15.
Security Guard: 15.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, wearing a gray T-shirt. Uh, he's about 5'6".
Security Guard: 5'6", 15.
Natalie: Isn't he 16?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right, he's 16.
Security Guard: Okay, 16.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Brown hair.
Security Guard: Brown hair.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wearing an earring.
Security Guard: Which ear?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh...
Natalie: Left ear.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Left ear.
Security Guard: Left ear earring. Hey, listen, you got a picture?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We can make copies and pass it out. Yeah, good idea. [takes wallet out] Yeah. See if I can help you out here. That's his mom. That's Jared. Jared Stottlemeyer.
Security Guard: He's 16, this kid?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, that's- That's an old picture.
Security Guard: You don't have anything more recent?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh... No, I guess not.
Security Guard: All right, look, I'm gonna do what I can. Meanwhile, you guys take these. You'll have full access, backstage, wherever you want. If you still can't find him, we'll make an announcement from the stage.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Appreciate it.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: [to Natalie] What? You think I don't spend enough time with Jared. Why, because I haven't got a bunch of pictures of him? Doesn't mean anything. How many pictures of Julie do you walk around with? Ah, I get it. You think I'm avoiding the boys on purpose because I feel guilty about the separation. And the fact that I'm dating Linda. Is that it? Don't you ever shut up? Okay, look, you go that way, keep your cell phone on. Give me a call if you find him.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Excuse me! There's no dancing here! Uh, this is a parking area. This is for vehicles, and people waiting for the captain. I'm sorry, I don't make the rules.
Man: That's right, you don't.
Adrian Monk: [to a couple kissing] What are you doing? Oh, hey, hey! This is the police captain's car! How old are you? There's no way you're 25.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Try to minimize the roughhousing! Can we?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Kendra Frank: His real name was Greg Murray. Look, they're trying to say that he OD'd, okay? That's impossible.
He's been clean for 17 months. I know, I talk to him about it every day.
Natalie: Well, Kendra, we were there, we saw a needle in his arm.
Kendra Frank: No, that's how I know there's something wrong. Stork was completely phobic about needles. He was the only roadie I've ever met that didn't even have one tattoo. I mean, he missed a whole South American tour last year because he wouldn't get vaccinated.
Natalie: Maybe he got over it.
Kendra Frank: You don't just get over a phobia like that overnight. Do you?
Adrian Monk: No, you don't.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Did he say anything else?
Kendra Frank: Please, Annie, I have to know.
Acupuncturist: He asked me where he could score some H.
Adrian Monk: Heroin. H, heroin starts with an H. It's a street talk...
Natalie: Got that.
Acupuncturist: He said he was giving up. He wanted to get high. He said he used to be afraid of needles, but he got over it.
Kendra Frank: I don't believe this.
Acupuncturist: Well, I guess he's with Kurt, Jimmy, and Janis now.
Adrian Monk: Who?
Natalie: I'll tell you later.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Acupuncturist: Well, then he paid me and left.
Adrian Monk: Did he talk to anyone else?
Acupuncturist: No. Oh, no, but when he left, he stopped to help some kids, some girl, she had a beach ball. She was having trouble, so he blew it up for her.
Adrian Monk: A blue beach ball?
Acupuncturist: I think so.
Adrian Monk: He blew that up? Thing almost killed me. I hate that beach ball.

Quote from Natalie

Medic: This should help, just rub this in twice a day. Did he really touch a heat lamp? Why?
Natalie: I don't know.
Medic: What about the other hand?
Natalie: He kept touching it. I don't know.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Medic: They found him in a Port-A-John. Can you believe it?
Natalie: I know, we were there when it happened.
Medic: He was so young. Overdose. The medical examiner should be here soon. If you could just step back.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, no, it's... It's okay, I'm a police officer. At least, I used to be. There's no mud.
Natalie: Excuse me?
Adrian Monk: On his boots. There's no mud. There was mud all around those outhouses.
Natalie: Yeah, but they carried him out.
Adrian Monk: Okay, but who carried him in?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: No track marks. Are these his? This- This rubber strap was around his arm?
Medic: That's right, I took it off myself.
Adrian Monk: You work with drug addicts a lot?
Medic: It goes with the territory.
Adrian Monk: Natalie. They wrap it around, like this, then they tie it in a knot.
Natalie: Yeah, like like this.
Adrian Monk: And then they pull it tight with their teeth?
Medic: That's right.
Natalie: I'm not doing that.
Adrian Monk: There's no other way to tie off your own arm?
Medic: No, sir.
Adrian Monk: No teeth marks.
Natalie: Someone tied it for him.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Captain!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk. Can we get out of here? Who's this?
Natalie: This is Kendra, this is a friend of the guy they found in the Port-A-John.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I heard about that, sorry. Overdose?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. I think he was murdered. We can't leave yet. We can't leave? We can't leave. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Did you put this up?
Maintenance Guy: Not me, no.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And it was definitely locked from the inside?
Maintenance Guy: Yes, sir, uh, we had to jimmy it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [over radio] He says it was locked from the inside.
Adrian Monk: [over radio] They could've rigged the lock. Over.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, you know, it would help things if you were to stand a little closer.
Adrian Monk: That's not gonna happen. Over.
Kendra Frank: So is this how he does it? From 100 feet away?
Natalie: Not all the time.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Woman: How long you gonna be?
Captain Stottlemeyer: As long as it takes, miss, this is a crime scene.
Woman: With only one cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Ah, it's not just me. You see that guy up on the hill, he's a cop. And, uh, this guy here's a police officer.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, these guys are great. Oh, I hope they do Killer Machine! Killer Machine!

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: [over radio] I'm checking out the lock here. There are some scratches.
Adrian Monk: [over radio] Are they recent? Over.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, there's no rust. Hold on. I got a little piece of wire here. It looks like a guitar string. [to Jared] Is that a B string?
Jared Stottlemeyer: Nah, it's a D. A high D from a 12-string guitar.
Lieutenant Disher: Those are pretty rare.
Jared Stottlemeyer: Kris Kedder uses one.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, yes he does, on the new single, right? I love that solo.
Jared Stottlemeyer: I love that solo too, man.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: [over radio] Yeah, it's a guitar string from a 12-string guitar, apparently it's fairly unusual.
Adrian Monk: [over radio] Okay, isn't there a vent on the right side, up near the roof? Over.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Roger that, about 3 1/2 feet above the lock.
Adrian Monk: He must've been killed somewhere else. They put the body inside, tied the wire around the bolt...
Captain Stottlemeyer: And ran the wire through the vent so they could lock the door from the outside.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, you didn't wait for me to say "over." Over. Hello? Over. Over. I'm saying "over."

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Jared, thanks for your help with that guitar string.
Jared Stottlemeyer: I didn't do anything.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure you did. That was an important clue, and I might have missed it without you. We make a pretty good team, huh?
Jared Stottlemeyer: [notices poster] What is that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Jared Stottlemeyer: Runaway child?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Guess we don't need this anymore.
Jared Stottlemeyer: Where'd they get that picture from?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's when we went to Cabo.
Jared Stottlemeyer: Was that the only one you had?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Jared, it doesn't mean anything. I'm, uh... It's a new wallet.
Jared Stottlemeyer: It's not a new wallet, liar. I bet you have 1,000 pictures of your girlfriend in there.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Jared, please.
Jared Stottlemeyer: A pretty good team, huh? Not a team at all. Or a family.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, this has been tough on me too. I lost my family too.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: That's a nice song.
Kris Kedder: Well, thank you. It comes out next week, you should buy a copy. In fact, buy two. I got my eyes on this new beach house.
Adrian Monk: You are Kris Kedder, the famous rock and roll song singer?
Kris Kedder: I guess I am.
Adrian Monk: Right, uh, this this was found at the scene. It is from a 12-string guitar.
Natalie: You're the only musician that has one.
Kris Kedder: I am.
Man: What are you saying, Stork was strangled?
Adrian Monk: I'm not saying anything, just asking questions. Let's all, chill, you know, out.
Kris Kedder: Hey, man, anybody could have taken it. I don't lock my case.
Adrian Monk: Y- You're out of tune.
Kris Kedder: Do you play, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: A little bit, clarinet. [laughter]
Kris Kedder: Whoa, clarinet. Hey, man, maybe you and I can get together and jam sometime. When I'm like 87 years old.
Adrian Monk: You have mud on your boots.
Kris Kedder: Yes, I do. I must be at a rock festival.
Adrian Monk: It's just that I don't see mud on anyone else's shoes.
Kris Kedder: I see some on yours.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: He lived in here?
Kendra Frank: He loved it. Between gigs, he'd take off, camp out. Sometimes I'd go with him.
Adrian Monk: What did you do if one of you wanted to be happy?

Quote from Natalie

Kris Kedder: [uses inhaler] Asthma. Since I was a kid.
Natalie: It smells like mint.
Kris Kedder: It's imported from Denmark. Do you want a hit?
Natalie: No, thanks.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Rhyming dictionary?
Kendra Frank: Yeah, he was writing songs. That was his dream. He was really shy about it though. He wouldn't even play me his stuff.
Natalie: Who's this?
Kendra Frank: Oh, that's his daughter, Margaret.
Natalie: Oh, no, where is she?
Kendra Frank: Tennessee, her mom moved her there after they split. I guess I should call them. I know I have their number somewhere.
Kris Kedder: Oh, hell, I'm late. Gotta go be famous. Catch you later.
Adrian Monk: You'll catch me later?
Kris Kedder: [chuckles]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Something's wrong. Did either of you move anything?
Natalie: No.
Kendra Frank: No.
Adrian Monk: Something's different. There was an envelope. A white envelope, right here.
Natalie: There was? Oh, it's a receipt. Registered mail, he mailed something to himself.
Kendra Frank: I remember that. That was about six months ago, I went to the Post Office with him. He was mailing sheet music to himself. He called it his insurance policy.
Natalie: What song?
Kendra Frank: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: I think I do. The song Kris Kedder was just singing.
Kendra Frank: Peggy's Gone to Memphis.
Adrian Monk: Kedder didn't write that song. Stork wrote it about his daughter. Peggy is short for Margaret. Peggy's Gone to Memphis.
Kendra Frank: Oh, my God, he just took that envelope.
Adrian Monk: We can't prove anything without that envelope.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Wait, Kris Kedder? You mean the singer?
Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Lieutenant Disher: No, no, no, that's not possible. I've known Kris Kedder for years.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Personally?
Lieutenant Disher: No.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, it doesn't matter, the--the D.A. not gonna buy it! We don't have anything! We don't have any real physical evidence!
Lieutenant Disher: What about- What about the sheet music?
Natalie: Nah, he burned it onstage!
Captain Stottlemeyer: All we've got is this guitar string! And that's not enough, and you know it.
Adrian Monk: The beach ball. The beach ball!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me?
Adrian Monk: When he was pretending to be Stork, and he was still... still in disguise, Kedder blew up that blue beach ball!
Lieutenant Disher: There'll be a million fingerprints on that ball, Monk!
Adrian Monk: The proof is not on the beach ball, it's in the beach ball.
Natalie: Oh, the asthma!
Lieutenant Disher: In the beach ball?
Adrian Monk: Kris Kedder has asthma! He uses an inhaler. A very distinctive inhaler.
Natalie: And it's mint-flavored, it's one of a kind.
Adrian Monk: If we can get that blue beach ball to the lab intact...
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're talking about the air inside the ball!
Adrian Monk: Yes!
Captain Stottlemeyer: There was a witness, somebody who witnessed him blowing it up!
Natalie: And he was impersonating the victim! Is that enough?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. Yes, it is.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Security Guard: Whoa, whoa, calm down. We got a police emergency here. This guy needs to talk to the crowd.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, hello. I don't mean to kill your buzz.
Man: [o.s.] Go home!
Woman: [o.s.] Yeah, get out of here.
Adrian Monk: I am a former police officer. [crowd boos] Thank you, thank you very much. Take it easy. Everybody chill. That blue beach ball contains material evidence in a homicide investigation. So we need you to bring the blue beach ball down to the stage.
Man: [o.s.] Hey, you suck!
Adrian Monk: Yes, I know. I know. It's true. I am a straight. But I have a dream. A dream that someday all the hippies and all the straights can live together side by side. Not too close. Because, you know, the smell.
Man: [o.s.] Go home!
Adrian Monk: You know, the hippie smell. Okay, okay, people, I need that ball! I'm not joking!
Crowd: [chant] Music! Music!
Adrian Monk: All right, that's it. That- That's obstruction! You're all under arrest! If you cannot afford an attorney...

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Good job, son, give me the ball.
Kris Kedder: Don't! Don't you do it. He's a cop. What's your name?
Jared Stottlemeyer: Jared.
Kris Kedder: Jared.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Jared, this is very important, give me the ball.
Kris Kedder: Hey, man, you do everything the cops tell you? You know I don't. I like your shirt.
Jared Stottlemeyer: Thanks, man.
Kris Kedder: You play?
Jared Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Me and you, we should jam sometime.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Jared, listen to me. If he deflates that ball, we don't have a case.
Kris Kedder: Dude, he's trying to set me up. 'Cause of what I am. What I represent.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's nonsense! Jared, you might not like me, but you know me.
Kris Kedder: You don't trust cops, do you?
Jared Stottlemeyer: I trust this one.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Hey, check this T-shirt out. Sweet, huh?
Natalie: That's gonna be worth a fortune when he's convicted.
Lieutenant Disher: Exactly.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, we'll meet you guys back at the car. Jared, what do you think? How about a couple of pictures for my wallet? So I got a good one for the next time you take off.
Jared Stottlemeyer: All right.


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