Adrian Monk: Your honor, I will not be able to serve today, unfortunately. For a number of reasons. First off... There's the bathroom situation. I can't share a bathroom. I just can't. You can ask Natalie. Natalie?
Natalie: Yeah, he's persnickety. He's very persnickety. He's persnickety squared.

Adrian Monk: Do you see a journal anywhere? She supposedly kept a journal. [opens closet] Huh. Looks like she had some roommates. A cheerleader, a French maid. Wait. Oh, you know what? They weren't roommates, Natalie. This is a love nest. That's what it is.
Natalie: You think?
Adrian Monk: This is one of those love nests that you read about.
Natalie: Yeah, but for who? That's the question. Who was she meeting? Oh, my God!
Adrian Monk: What? What is it?
Natalie: Nothing. It's nothing. Mr. Monk, don't open that drawer, you understand? Whatever happens, whatever you do, don't ever, ever, ever... ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever open that drawer!
Adrian Monk: What if there's a clue in there? What if it could solve the case?
Natalie: I don't care!

Natalie: I am not going anywhere. Look at me. Sorry. Your life is not over. You could still do anything. There've been lots of blind people who have done great and amazing things.
Adrian Monk: Like who?
Natalie: Like Ray Charles. And, um, you know...
Adrian Monk: Yeah?
Natalie: You know, uh, I mean, come on. Uh... Uh... Uh... Mr. Magoo.
Adrian Monk: Who's that?
Natalie: Mr. Magoo? Oh, gosh, he was a great man. Um... an inventor.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Natalie: An entrepreneur, if you will. He did lots of amazing, amazing things.
Adrian Monk: And he was blind?
Natalie: I don't want to talk about Mr. Magoo anymore.
Adrian Monk: Me neither.

Natalie: Okay, everybody listen up. Okay? We have some new rules here in Santa's workshop. Before anybody can sit on Santa's lap, you have to use these magic wipes and wipe your hand. Yay, wiping is fun. And no touching Santa's face. And try not to breathe on Santa. Remember, Santa isn't always jolly. Sometimes Santa's a little bit sad.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I can talk to her next week. How about Saturday? I'll take you guys out for pancakes.
Natalie: Yeah, it's okay. That's not gonna give her enough time. It's all right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Natalie: Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention. My cousin works for a PR firm for the 49ers.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No kidding?
Natalie: Yeah. Joe Montana's gonna be in town on Thursday. He's shooting some commercial. You wanna meet him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Joe Montana? Sure!
Natalie: Okay. You're not too busy?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no, I'm sure we could make that work.
Natalie: Oh, great. Because I lied. But it's nice to know you're available on Thursday. Julie will be here after school. Thanks.

Natalie: Well, he can't go too far. He can't sleep without his Trudy pillow.
Sharona: Or that special red toothbrush.
Natalie: Or his little flossing kit.
Sharona: Or the sound machine with that fog horn noises.
Natalie: Actually, that one broke. And they discontinued the model.
Sharona: Really? What did you do?
Natalie: I went out and bought an actual fog horn and made my own tape. I'm not kidding. I have an actual fog horn sitting in my garage.

Reggie Dennison: The pizza box with my prints on it. What was it in? A carton, a bag, or what?
Natalie: My boss recycled it. He separates everything into piles exactly 20 inches high. Then he puts each pile into a green, double-ply trash bag, which he double-tapes shut. Then he puts that bag into another bag, which he wraps with twine four times counterclockwise and ties each end twice. Once he's completed that...
Reggie Dennison: Are you screwing with me?
Natalie: No, I swear. He's very persnickety.

Natalie: Please, Mr. Monk. You are so brilliant. It wouldn't take you more than a couple of hours. Look, I promised him. It can count as my birthday gift.
Adrian Monk: I didn't plan on buying you a birthday gift.
Natalie: All right. I'm cashing in my chips.
Adrian Monk: What chips?
Natalie: My karma chips. I've been collecting karma chips every week, every day, every time I do something stupid for you.
Adrian Monk: It's your job. You're paid. Semi-regularly.
Natalie: Yeah, I'm not talking about my job. I'm talking about all the other stuff. I've been babysitting you for five years. I've collected, like, a thousand chips. And I'm cashing them all in. I'm all in. You have to help me find the bike.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, I think they're over there.
Sharona: You call him Mr. Monk, huh?
Natalie: I know. It's weird. I can't call him by his first name. It's just not me.
Sharona: Adrian, do you mind if she calls you Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Of course not. Why would I mind?
Natalie: Okay, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, see, I don't like it.
Natalie: Me either.

Adrian Monk: Wait a minute, what? Wait, Natalie. Wait a second. Wait. Here's the thing. Uh, I can't lie. Uh, I'm not good at it. I got lucky with that Tic-tac thing.
Natalie: Are you a man?
Adrian Monk: Am I...
Natalie: Are you a man?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Natalie: Then you can lie. That's what men do.