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‘Mr. Monk Is On the Air’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Is On the Air

513. Mr. Monk Is On the Air

Aired February 2, 2007

Monk takes on a radio shock-jock whose sister-in-law believes he killed his wife.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: I mean, we don't even know if a little person can get through an 8-inch window.
Lieutenant Disher: Sure they could.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's awful small.
Lieutenant Disher: Monk, could a little person fit through an 8-inch window?
Adrian Monk: I am proud to say I don't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, we don't even know where this Little Willie person was the night she died.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, wait a minute. We can settle it right now. They're all downtown at a book signing. We go down, we talk to Little Willie. If we get a chance, if it happens to come up, we measure the circumference of his head. Then divide it by pi or something.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

[As Monk shows Natalie and Kevin home videos of his childhood:]
Natalie: Did somebody die?
Adrian Monk: Christmas morning. Oh, that's me playing Hide.
Natalie: You mean Hide-and-Seek?
Adrian Monk: You still don't get it, do you?

Quote from Adrian Monk

[As Monk shows Natalie and Kevin home videos of his childhood:]
Adrian Monk: Oh, this- This one is my cousin's birthday party. And... there's me.
Kevin Dorfman: Got a balloon there.
Adrian Monk: [about the clown] I don't remember his name.
[On the video, young Adrian asks for his balloon animal to be untied so it's just a long, straight line]

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Max Hudson: Linda. I don't know the legal definition of harassment, but, uh, this is pretty close.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Hudson, that's a search warrant. You've been duly served.
Max Hudson: Uh, sure, okay. Knock yourself out. You'll just embarrass yourselves again.
Adrian Monk: It's over, Max. We know how you did it. We know what you were doing everyday at 2:00.
Natalie: You were next door.
Max Hudson: That's right. I was. I was house-sitting. I was watering their plants.
Adrian Monk: Nah, you were training their dog.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We replayed a tape of the show you made the morning your wife died. That was the day you introduced your new catchphrase: "Jangle my tenders."
Lieutenant Disher: "Jiggle me timbers," sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: "Jiggle me timbers."
Lieutenant Disher: You never said it before that day. Or since. I'm a big fan. Well, I was. Unless you're not guilty. In which case, we're all really sorry about all of this. Although, I'm pretty sure you're guilty. But, if you're not, I'm sorry.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Well, I don't like that guy either. He's such a bully. Have you ever heard his show?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. What station is he on?
Natalie: 99.9.
Adrian Monk: Ah, so close.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Max Hudson: Yeah, I talked to this guy last night. He wants to talk to me about what happened to Jeanette.
Natalie: Why don't we talk about that after the show?
Max Hudson: You don't get it, sugar bumps. He is the show! My life is the show. Detective, why don't you have a seat, please? Somebody give him some headphones.
JJ the Joke Machine: There you go, buddy.
Natalie: Please don't do this.
Adrian Monk: It's okay.
Natalie: Please, be careful.
Adrian Monk: Wipe. Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. [producer replays the sound]
Max Hudson: Okay, folks. Uh, folks, you gotta see this. First of all, his shirt is buttoned up to his eyeballs. And he's swabbing at his headphones with a baby wipe.
Adrian Monk: This is not a baby wipe. This is- This is an adult wipe.
Max Hudson: Oh, I stand corrected. You gotta know the difference. Sorry about that.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Natalie: Mr. Monk. Mr. Monk. Mr. Monk, come on. You have to call the Captain.
Adrian Monk: I can't hear you.
Natalie: You heard me. If you think Max Hudson killed his wife, then we need to call the Captain.
Adrian Monk: And tell him what? I have no proof.
Kevin Dorfman: Okay, let me see if I understand. One, you need proof. One A., to get this proof, you need to talk to your suspect. One B., your suspect won't talk to you unless you go on his show. One C., omitted. Two, you're afraid to go back on the show because you think he might embarrass you.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Adrian Monk: Kevin, have I ever said anything funny?
Kevin Dorfman: That's a good question. Okay. Let's see. I met you in October, 1998. First week, no. You were kind of a Gloomy Gus. Second week... [long pause] No. Third week... [laughs]
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: Yes!
Kevin Dorfman: The- Wait. Sorry. No, that wasn't you. It was Arsenio Hall. He's hilarious.

Quote from Adrian Monk

[As Monk shows Natalie and Kevin home videos of his childhood:]
Adrian Monk: Oh, and family picnic. There's Ambrose.
[The four members of the Monk family are each sitting on their own picnic blanket, spaced out from each other]
Adrian Monk: Oh, there's more. There's- There's a lot more.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, that's the saddest movie I've ever seen. [hugs Monk] I'm not hugging you. I'm hugging the little boy in that movie.
Kevin Dorfman: I am so sorry.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: You put the blades up? That is really interesting. I'm always afraid I'll cut myself. Yeah, I'm a "blade-down" man. But that's what makes horse races, am I right? Doesn't mean we still can't be friends.
Adrian Monk: Actually, I run them twice. Blades up and then blades down.
Kevin Dorfman: That's fascinating. Ooh, is this dishwasher safe? Let me just- Yes, it is. Funny story: I have a casserole dish. It was a gift from my sister. Not the sister you met. The one who used to live in Milwaukee but moved to St. Paul last summer. Well, not summer, per say.
Adrian Monk: K- Kevin It doesn't matter.
Kevin Dorfman: Anyway, the dish didn't say "dishwasher safe," but, you know what? I took a chance. 'Cause you only go around once in this life.
Adrian Monk: That's the best news I've heard all day.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Sorry. There was a fireplace?
Linda Riggs: There was a gas fireplace in the bedroom. It was turned on, and she was asphyxiated. This is a copy of the coroner's inquest. They said it was an accident. But, Mr. Monk, Jeanette never used that fireplace. I know he killed her.
Adrian Monk: Who?
Linda Riggs: Her husband, Max. Getting a divorce would have cost him $30 million. I'm sorry. Could I have another?
Adrian Monk: [holding tissues] Here's the thing. I buy ten boxes at a time, and they have to last me the whole month. [Linda sobs] So okay. [Monk separates the plys on a tissue]

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: Okay, I'm pouring the detergent. You're missing it.
Adrian Monk: Kevin, please. Please, I'm trying to talk to... I'm sorry.
Linda Riggs: Linda Riggs. Jeanette Hudson was my sister.
Adrian Monk: Jeanette Hudson? Max Hudson's wife?
Linda Riggs: Yeah, everyone thinks he's so funny. Jeanette was terrified of him. You know, he once got arrested for assault. He has a terrible temper.
Kevin Dorfman: So you've actually met him?
Adrian Monk: Kevin.
Linda Riggs: Yes, I've met him. I think he killed my sister.
Kevin Dorfman: What's he like?
Linda Riggs: He's a monster!
Adrian Monk: Kevin.
Kevin Dorfman: Forget it. Withdrawn. Never said it. Excuse me. I have dishes to do.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Max Hudson: Cool, okay. So you think I murdered my wife, even though I was right here, on the air, live, when she died?
Adrian Monk: Well, I do have a few questions.
Little Willie Karelli: Of course.
Adrian Monk: Just, from what I've seen, it seems unlikely that bedroom fireplace was ever used. According to the crime scene photos, the fireplace flue was closed, and there were no matches anywhere.
Max Hudson: Okay, that's great. That's very compelling, compelling cross-examination. How's this? Uh, you can ask me three questions, which I will answer right here in front of 4 million witnesses, if Natalie sits on Willie's lap.
Little Willie Karelli: Oh, please. Please!
Adrian Monk: Don't do it, Natalie. It's a trick.
Little Willie Karelli: Do it.
Max Hudson: Adrian, I thought you'd like to know that the last guy who wore those headphones had head lice.
Adrian Monk: Wipe! Wipe! Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Here's what happened: Max is out of town. It's a perfect alibi. [Disher laughs] He knows his wife is gonna take those pills, so she's out cold--
Captain Stottlemeyer: Something funny?
Lieutenant Disher: No. Sorry.
Adrian Monk: He knows his wife won't be waking up. So he has one of his guys--
Lieutenant Disher: [chortles]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy? Do you want to share it with the rest of the class?
Lieutenant Disher: I'm sorry. I heard you on the show. You really got zung.
Natalie: Oh, my God, you listen to that creep?
Lieutenant Disher: I think he's great... It's grating. De-grating. Degrading to women. Yeah, I keep listening, hoping he'll grow up, but he never does.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Anyway, one of his guys-
Lieutenant Disher: Goons. They're called Goons. The Goon Platoon.
Adrian Monk: Goons. One of his Goons - thank you - snuck into the house, turns on the gas...
Lieutenant Disher: It could have been J.J. The guy's a joke machine. He's been with Max for 15 years. Since Philadelphia.
Adrian Monk: Whoever it was, turned on the gas, closed the bedroom door. She never woke up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How did they get in the house?
Natalie: Max made an extra key.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It sounds good, but it doesn't track. This is new. It's from the security company. That house is wired. It's monitored 24-7, sealed tight. No door or window was opened all night long. No one, no thing came in or out.
Natalie: What about that window? It says "open".
Captain Stottlemeyer: That is a ventilation window to the basement. It only opens 8 inches.
Lieutenant Disher: Little Willie!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who? Little Willie. He's a little person. He'd do anything for Max. Last week, he ate his own weight in bologna. Jiggle me timbers! I think I just solved the case!
Natalie: "Jiggle me timbers"?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, that's something that Ma-- I heard it on the radio. I don't remember who says it. I don't know.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: The new catchphrase. That was your command. That dog was your accomplice. You worked with him everyday for a month. You trained him to murder your wife. That morning, you could have been a hundred miles away. You left his cage open and a radio on. All you had to do was go on the air and give the command.
Lieutenant Disher: You knew Jeanette would be fast asleep.
Linda Riggs: You knew she'd never wake up.
Natalie: Oh, here he comes.
[The dog runs into the room, turns the gas on and runs out. Stottlemeyer turns the gas back off.]
Captain Stottlemeyer: You made one big mistake. Your partner, your accomplice, he's got a thing for shoes. He stole one of yours and brought it home.
Linda Riggs: So is he under arrest?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, he is.
Linda Riggs: Thank you, Mr. Monk. Thank you.
Lieutenant Disher: You heard the lady, Max. You're under arrest. Gimme your hands.
Adrian Monk: You're not laughing now. Are you? Are you?
Max Hudson: No. I'm not laughing.
Adrian Monk: Join the club.


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