Captain Stottlemeyer: I mean, we don't even know if a little person can get through an 8-inch window.
Lieutenant Disher: Sure they could.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's awful small.
Lieutenant Disher: Monk, could a little person fit through an 8-inch window?
Adrian Monk: I am proud to say I don't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, we don't even know where this Little Willie person was the night she died.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, wait a minute. We can settle it right now. They're all downtown at a book signing. We go down, we talk to Little Willie. If we get a chance, if it happens to come up, we measure the circumference of his head. Then divide it by pi or something.

[As Monk shows Natalie and Kevin home videos of his childhood:]
Natalie: Did somebody die?
Adrian Monk: Christmas morning. Oh, that's me playing Hide.
Natalie: You mean Hide-and-Seek?
Adrian Monk: You still don't get it, do you?

[As Monk shows Natalie and Kevin home videos of his childhood:]
Adrian Monk: Oh, this- This one is my cousin's birthday party. And... there's me.
Kevin Dorfman: Got a balloon there.
Adrian Monk: [about the clown] I don't remember his name.
[On the video, young Adrian asks for his balloon animal to be untied so it's just a long, straight line]

Max Hudson: Linda. I don't know the legal definition of harassment, but, uh, this is pretty close.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Hudson, that's a search warrant. You've been duly served.
Max Hudson: Uh, sure, okay. Knock yourself out. You'll just embarrass yourselves again.
Adrian Monk: It's over, Max. We know how you did it. We know what you were doing everyday at 2:00.
Natalie: You were next door.
Max Hudson: That's right. I was. I was house-sitting. I was watering their plants.
Adrian Monk: Nah, you were training their dog.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We replayed a tape of the show you made the morning your wife died. That was the day you introduced your new catchphrase: "Jangle my tenders."
Lieutenant Disher: "Jiggle me timbers," sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: "Jiggle me timbers."
Lieutenant Disher: You never said it before that day. Or since. I'm a big fan. Well, I was. Unless you're not guilty. In which case, we're all really sorry about all of this. Although, I'm pretty sure you're guilty. But, if you're not, I'm sorry.

Natalie: Well, I don't like that guy either. He's such a bully. Have you ever heard his show?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. What station is he on?
Natalie: 99.9.
Adrian Monk: Ah, so close.

Max Hudson: Yeah, I talked to this guy last night. He wants to talk to me about what happened to Jeanette.
Natalie: Why don't we talk about that after the show?
Max Hudson: You don't get it, sugar bumps. He is the show! My life is the show. Detective, why don't you have a seat, please? Somebody give him some headphones.
JJ the Joke Machine: There you go, buddy.
Natalie: Please don't do this.
Adrian Monk: It's okay.
Natalie: Please, be careful.
Adrian Monk: Wipe. Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. [producer replays the sound]
Max Hudson: Okay, folks. Uh, folks, you gotta see this. First of all, his shirt is buttoned up to his eyeballs. And he's swabbing at his headphones with a baby wipe.
Adrian Monk: This is not a baby wipe. This is- This is an adult wipe.
Max Hudson: Oh, I stand corrected. You gotta know the difference. Sorry about that.

Natalie: Mr. Monk. Mr. Monk. Mr. Monk, come on. You have to call the Captain.
Adrian Monk: I can't hear you.
Natalie: You heard me. If you think Max Hudson killed his wife, then we need to call the Captain.
Adrian Monk: And tell him what? I have no proof.
Kevin Dorfman: Okay, let me see if I understand. One, you need proof. One A., to get this proof, you need to talk to your suspect. One B., your suspect won't talk to you unless you go on his show. One C., omitted. Two, you're afraid to go back on the show because you think he might embarrass you.

Adrian Monk: Kevin, have I ever said anything funny?
Kevin Dorfman: That's a good question. Okay. Let's see. I met you in October, 1998. First week, no. You were kind of a Gloomy Gus. Second week... [long pause] No. Third week... [laughs]
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: Yes!
Kevin Dorfman: The- Wait. Sorry. No, that wasn't you. It was Arsenio Hall. He's hilarious.

[As Monk shows Natalie and Kevin home videos of his childhood:]
Adrian Monk: Oh, and family picnic. There's Ambrose.
[The four members of the Monk family are each sitting on their own picnic blanket, spaced out from each other]
Adrian Monk: Oh, there's more. There's- There's a lot more.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, that's the saddest movie I've ever seen. [hugs Monk] I'm not hugging you. I'm hugging the little boy in that movie.
Kevin Dorfman: I am so sorry.

Kevin Dorfman: You put the blades up? That is really interesting. I'm always afraid I'll cut myself. Yeah, I'm a "blade-down" man. But that's what makes horse races, am I right? Doesn't mean we still can't be friends.
Adrian Monk: Actually, I run them twice. Blades up and then blades down.
Kevin Dorfman: That's fascinating. Ooh, is this dishwasher safe? Let me just- Yes, it is. Funny story: I have a casserole dish. It was a gift from my sister. Not the sister you met. The one who used to live in Milwaukee but moved to St. Paul last summer. Well, not summer, per say.
Adrian Monk: K- Kevin It doesn't matter.
Kevin Dorfman: Anyway, the dish didn't say "dishwasher safe," but, you know what? I took a chance. 'Cause you only go around once in this life.
Adrian Monk: That's the best news I've heard all day.