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‘Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend

604. Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend

Aired August 3, 2007

After a realtor is shot and killed while showing a house, Monk thinks it might have been his business partner, who happens to be Linda Fusco, the Captain's girlfriend.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: [over intercom] Ms. Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.
Helen Hubbert: What? I mean, how-
Adrian Monk: How? How? We're the FBI, that's how!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket.
Helen Hubbert: And Ms. Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He's looking inside your purse. He can see your wad of singles. Hey! Hey, Agent FBI Man, huh? [drags shoe across the mirror] Here, what do you think of that?
Adrian Monk: Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life. Linda Fusco will still be guilty.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Yeah, we have some news, some good news.
Natalie: Yeah. We have good news. We think we know who killed Sean Corcoran.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's great. That was fast.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. This individual has a motive.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good. Motive is good.
Adrian Monk: Owns a shotgun, and had access to the house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, let's pick him up. What's his name? [Monk looks at Natalie] Monk, the suspect has a name, right? And what is that name?
Adrian Monk: ... Linda. Linda Fusco.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [laughs] That's hilarious. You got me. That's good. Ha! That's rich. See you guys manana.
Natalie: Captain? He's not joking. He never jokes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's true.
Adrian Monk: She's the guy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [over intercom] Excuse me. Could you fix the blinds, please?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't feel like it.
Adrian Monk: I wasn't talking to you. Ma'am? I'm gonna need you to fix the blinds at this time.
Helen Hubbert: Who is that?
Adrian Monk: I'm with the FBI. In Washington.
Natalie: Stop it.
Adrian Monk: D.C. Watching you on my computer. Screen.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Don't listen to him, ma'am. He is not-
Adrian Monk: Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to fix the blind. And while you're at it, pick up the Styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He is not a federal agent.
Adrian Monk: Yes, he- I am.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, he's not. He's an ex-cop who hates himself and hates his life and isn't happy unless everybody else is as miserable as he is!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: It's not Linda. She was 30 miles away. It was this woman we're holding, Helen Hubbert. Weren't you listening? She has no alibi!
Adrian Monk: Then it can't be her.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: Think about it. That night, the killer was hiding in the bathroom. She could've shot Corcoran any time. But she didn't. She waited. Why? She needed a witness.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't have to listen to this.
Adrian Monk: Yes, you do! Leland, you're a cop. Look at it like a cop. Leland, the killer needed a witness to confirm the exact time of the murder. Why? There's only one possible reason. The killer had an airtight alibi for 7:20.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, wa- Because Helen Hubbert does not have an alibi, it means it couldn't be her?
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Her not having an alibi clears her?
Adrian Monk: That's right. It's the best alibi of all.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I am so glad we're not talking. I'm 51 years old. She's the last chance I have.
Adrian Monk: She's the guy.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Linda Fusco: Have you talked to Monk?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, he's been leaving messages. I'll call him back when I calm down. Maybe next year.
Linda Fusco: Well, it's just that, uh, something happened. Yesterday, when I came home, he was there.
Adrian Monk: Monk?
Linda Fusco: And he was crazy. He was accusing me of the most horrible things.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I told him to leave you alone. I'll take care of it. I'll get a restraining order if I have to.
Linda Fusco: Leland he was touching me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk?
Linda Fusco: And he said that he would set me up and frame me for the murder if I didn't sleep with him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk wanted to sleep with you?
Linda Fusco: Is that so hard to believe?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Oh, Natalie, uh... Sorry, Captain said that Monk isn't invited. I feel terrible. It's like a divorce. It's always the kids who get hurt.
Natalie: Who are the kids?
Lieutenant Disher: Me and you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: You can turn that off.
Lieutenant Disher: That's your bedroom.
Adrian Monk: It's not her bedroom. It's a replica. It's a duplicate. Here's what happened. You rented this truck under your maiden name and went to work. You duplicated everything. The furniture, the computer, the curtains, even the pictures. You must've been planning it for months. You began talking to the captain every night, from your bedroom at 6:30. Except for last Friday. Last Friday, you were talking from a parking lot a couple of blocks from that house in Novato, from a robot... uh, satellite.
Natalie: Wireless internet.
Adrian Monk: Whatever. That night, you chatted with the captain like you always did. You fooled him. You fooled me. You fooled everybody. At 7:00, you signed off and snuck into the house. You knew Sean Corcoran had an appointment there at 7:15. All you had to do was hide and wait. It worked. Except for the part about the truck getting towed. That was a tough break. When were you gonna go pick it up? The next time Leland left town?
Linda Fusco: How did you know? [Monk picks up a pen] A pen?
Adrian Monk: The night we talked, you put the pen down on the table. I remember. And it rolled a little. But yesterday in your bedroom, in your real bedroom, it didn't roll. It just stayed there. I couldn't figure it out. And then it hit me. On the night of the murder, your bedroom must've been on a slant. You parked on a hill.
Linda Fusco: I parked on a hill.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey. Look who's here. Monk and Natalie just walked in.
Linda Fusco: [on video chat] Aw, hi guys!
Natalie: Oh, Linda, hi! You look great.
Linda Fusco: Thanks, so do you.
Adrian Monk: [loudly] Hello!
Natalie: Is that your new place?
Linda Fusco: As of last weekend.
Natalie: I love those curtains.
Linda Fusco: Oh, well, thanks.
Adrian Monk: It's like a television and a telephone. Together?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Brave new world, huh?
Adrian Monk: I guess you can't call somebody in your underwear.
Natalie: Sure you can.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, they would see you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: You okay? What is it?
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid to say it out loud. She knows how to use a shotgun. She had a motive. You saw those boxes. He was taking a lot of their clients with him.
Natalie: Wait, are you talking about Linda?
Adrian Monk: Shh! Natalie she's the same height as the killer, she had a key to the house.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, that's the captain's girlfriend. I- I don't believe it. I mean, it could all just be a coincidence, right?
Adrian Monk: [takes out lipstick] I found it in her purse.
Natalie: Coral Peach by Runway.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Is he here?
Lieutenant Disher: Uh, no. He took Linda to lunch. Can I get him on his cell?
Adrian Monk: No! No no no no. Actually, we wanted to talk to you. It's kind of important.
Natalie: Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential. You can't repeat it to anyone.
Lieutenant Disher: Are you in love with me?
Natalie: What? No!
Adrian Monk: I think Linda Fusco might have killed her partner.
Lieutenant Disher: [chuckles] What? I don't believe that. There's no way, Monk.
Natalie: Am I in love with you?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: No, it's Linda. We know her.
Adrian Monk: Do we?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah. Besides, it it's impossible. I mean, she was talking to the Captain that night on the webcam from her house. I mean, Monk, you were there.
Adrian Monk: I know, but let's just-
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, okay, what? It was about at 7:00? Right? And she was definitely here in Richmond at 7:00. The guy was killed when?
Adrian Monk: 7:20. There were two witnesses.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay, he was killed at 7:20 here in Novato... Hmm. It's, like, 30 miles.
Adrian Monk: 32.2.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay, 32.2 miles in 20 minutes? There's no way. That's 100 miles an hour through traffic. It's just not possible.
Natalie: Maybe she had a jetpack. Like in those James Bond movies.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, well, there's no such thing as a working jet pack. Don't ask me how I know.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Randy, do you have any ideas? I mean, anything at all. One of your crazy theories?
Lieutenant Disher: My crazy theories? Like what?
Natalie: Like me being in love with you?
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco in a jet pack?
Natalie: Too close to call.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Would you stop- Stop laughing. Would you, please?
Natalie: Ah, all right. Born to be mild.
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's funny. Yeah, yeah, instead of wild, then you said mild. That's that's hilarious.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay, we're here at Linda's house. She had 20 minutes to get there, so you're really gonna have to haul bottom.
Natalie: Haul bottom?
Adrian Monk: It's biker talk. It just means don't stop for anything. All right?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: All right, hold on.
Adrian Monk: To what?
Natalie: To me.
Adrian Monk: I'm- I- I'm okay.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're gonna fall off the seat.
Adrian Monk: I know what I'm doing, okay? I'll just lean forward. It's called weight displacement. We're wasting valuable time. Let's do it. Ready. And go!
[As Natalie accelerates, Monk is thrown off the back seat onto the ground.]
Natalie: Are you all right?
Adrian Monk: Wipes! Wipes.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, what about the lunatic? The, uh, the client that wrote those letters? Have you even looked at her?
Adrian Monk: Captain, this isn't easy for me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, really? What is? You're talking about the woman I love, Monk.
Adrian Monk: I know. I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think I know what's going on here. You look at me, and you can't stand it. I have what you want. A badge, a woman, a life.
Adrian Monk: That's true. But-
Captain Stottlemeyer: But nothing! This is not my problem, Monk. This is your problem. You deal with it.
Adrian Monk: All right, look. Why don't we- Why don't we talk to a neutral party? We could call the Marin County D.A.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [shoves Monk] I am done talking! I am done talking. But I'm gonna do you a favor, Monk. For old time's sake. I'm gonna forget that you said anything. This never happened. Okay? Now, if you'll excuse me, my girlfriend is very upset.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Linda Fusco: Negotiating.
Adrian Monk: Well, you're a bad girlfriend.
Linda Fusco: Maybe. But I am a very good negotiator. I'm probably the best negotiator in Northern California. And I think that it's time that we close this deal.
Adrian Monk: Leland is my friend! My best friend. My only friend, really. There was this guy last year. Hal. Hal Tucker. You know, we went to a hockey game, but he's in prison now. I think he was using me. I'm pretty sure...

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Here's what I can't figure. Was it a setup from the beginning, is that what it was all about? Did she figure a cop would make a better alibi or was it for real? Man, it sure felt like it was for real. I guess I'll never know.
Lieutenant Disher: Sorry, did you say something?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Lieutenant Disher: You know, I think it worked out okay. I mean, all things considered. But here's what I can't figure out, though. Did she really love you or was it a setup from the beginning? I mean, maybe she figured a cop would be the perfect alibi. Or maybe it was the real thing, and the plan came later. Something to think about, though, huh?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Huh. Yup. Something to think about. [throws ring]
Lieutenant Disher: What was that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That was nothing. It was just a rock.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: We have a webcam date at 6:30 every night. It's the only chance I get to see her now that she's moved uptown.
Linda Fusco: [on video chat] Well, don't worry, baby, you'll get to see plenty of me in Hawaii. Look. Wait. See what I bought? Yeah, oh, now, hold on. For the full effect.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I love it.
Adrian Monk: Hawaii.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Yeah, we're leaving Friday. I haven't had a vacation in over 10 years.
Natalie: Oh, so jealous. Where are you staying?
Linda Fusco: On Kauai. And look, it's the North Shore right there. And we may never come home.
Natalie: Oh, you're gonna have so much fun.
Linda Fusco: I am counting the minutes. And, oh, is that the correct time? It's 7:00. I gotta go. I've got a closing tomorrow, so I have to crunch some numbers.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What happened to Sean?
Linda Fusco: Well, uh, he's up in Marin County, showing a house. Better him than me, right? So I love you, and I will see you tomorrow! Bye, all.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Natalie: So Sean is her partner?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, yeah, they've been together for 17 years.
Natalie: Oh, God, that's longer than most marriages.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Longer than mine.

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