Adrian Monk: [over intercom] Ms. Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.
Helen Hubbert: What? I mean, how-
Adrian Monk: How? How? We're the FBI, that's how!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket.
Adrian Monk: And Ms. Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He's looking inside your purse. He can see your wad of singles. Hey! Hey, Agent FBI Man, huh? [drags shoe across the mirror] Here, what do you think of that?
Adrian Monk: Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life. Linda Fusco will still be guilty.

Adrian Monk: Yeah, we have some news, some good news.
Natalie: Yeah. We have good news. We think we know who killed Sean Corcoran.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's great. That was fast.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. This individual has a motive.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good. Motive is good.
Adrian Monk: Owns a shotgun, and had access to the house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, let's pick him up. What's his name? [Monk looks at Natalie] Monk, the suspect has a name, right? And what is that name?
Adrian Monk: ... Linda. Linda Fusco.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [laughs] That's hilarious. You got me. That's good. Ha! That's rich. See you guys manana.
Natalie: Captain? He's not joking. He never jokes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's true.
Adrian Monk: She's the guy.

Adrian Monk: [over intercom] Excuse me. Could you fix the blinds, please?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't feel like it.
Adrian Monk: I wasn't talking to you. Ma'am? I'm gonna need you to fix the blinds at this time.
Helen Hubbert: Who is that?
Adrian Monk: I'm with the FBI. In Washington.
Natalie: Stop it.
Adrian Monk: D.C. Watching you on my computer. Screen.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Don't listen to him, ma'am. He is not-
Adrian Monk: Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to fix the blind. And while you're at it, pick up the Styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He is not a federal agent.
Adrian Monk: Yes, he- I am.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, he's not. He's an ex-cop who hates himself and hates his life and isn't happy unless everybody else is as miserable as he is!

Captain Stottlemeyer: It's not Linda. She was 30 miles away. It was this woman we're holding, Helen Hubbert. Weren't you listening? She has no alibi!
Adrian Monk: Then it can't be her.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: Think about it. That night, the killer was hiding in the bathroom. She could've shot Corcoran any time. But she didn't. She waited. Why? She needed a witness.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't have to listen to this.
Adrian Monk: Yes, you do! Leland, you're a cop. Look at it like a cop. Leland, the killer needed a witness to confirm the exact time of the murder. Why? There's only one possible reason. The killer had an airtight alibi for 7:20.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, wa- Because Helen Hubbert does not have an alibi, it means it couldn't be her?
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Her not having an alibi clears her?
Adrian Monk: That's right. It's the best alibi of all.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I am so glad we're not talking. I'm 51 years old. She's the last chance I have.
Adrian Monk: She's the guy.

Linda Fusco: Have you talked to Monk?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, he's been leaving messages. I'll call him back when I calm down. Maybe next year.
Linda Fusco: Well, it's just that, uh, something happened. Yesterday, when I came home, he was there.
Adrian Monk: Monk?
Linda Fusco: And he was crazy. He was accusing me of the most horrible things.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I told him to leave you alone. I'll take care of it. I'll get a restraining order if I have to.
Linda Fusco: Leland he was touching me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk?
Linda Fusco: And he said that he would set me up and frame me for the murder if I didn't sleep with him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk wanted to sleep with you?
Linda Fusco: Is that so hard to believe?

Lieutenant Disher: Oh, Natalie, uh... Sorry, Captain said that Monk isn't invited. I feel terrible. It's like a divorce. It's always the kids who get hurt.
Natalie: Who are the kids?
Lieutenant Disher: Me and you.

Captain Stottlemeyer: You can turn that off.
Lieutenant Disher: That's your bedroom.
Adrian Monk: It's not her bedroom. It's a replica. It's a duplicate. Here's what happened. You rented this truck under your maiden name and went to work. You duplicated everything. The furniture, the computer, the curtains, even the pictures. You must've been planning it for months. You began talking to the captain every night, from your bedroom at 6:30. Except for last Friday. Last Friday, you were talking from a parking lot a couple of blocks from that house in Novato, from a robot... uh, satellite.
Natalie: Wireless internet.
Adrian Monk: Whatever. That night, you chatted with the captain like you always did. You fooled him. You fooled me. You fooled everybody. At 7:00, you signed off and snuck into the house. You knew Sean Corcoran had an appointment there at 7:15. All you had to do was hide and wait. It worked. Except for the part about the truck getting towed. That was a tough break. When were you gonna go pick it up? The next time Leland left town?
Linda Fusco: How did you know? [Monk picks up a pen] A pen?
Adrian Monk: The night we talked, you put the pen down on the table. I remember. And it rolled a little. But yesterday in your bedroom, in your real bedroom, it didn't roll. It just stayed there. I couldn't figure it out. And then it hit me. On the night of the murder, your bedroom must've been on a slant. You parked on a hill.
Linda Fusco: I parked on a hill.

Adrian Monk: Would you stop- Stop laughing. Would you, please?
Natalie: Ah, all right. Born to be mild.
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's funny. Yeah, yeah, instead of wild, then you said mild. That's that's hilarious.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey. Look who's here. Monk and Natalie just walked in.
Linda Fusco: [on video chat] Aw, hi guys!
Natalie: Oh, Linda, hi! You look great.
Linda Fusco: Thanks, so do you.
Adrian Monk: [loudly] Hello!
Natalie: Is that your new place?
Linda Fusco: As of last weekend.
Natalie: I love those curtains.
Linda Fusco: Oh, well, thanks.
Adrian Monk: It's like a television and a telephone. Together?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Brave new world, huh?
Adrian Monk: I guess you can't call somebody in your underwear.
Natalie: Sure you can.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, they would see you.

Natalie: You okay? What is it?
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid to say it out loud. She knows how to use a shotgun. She had a motive. You saw those boxes. He was taking a lot of their clients with him.
Natalie: Wait, are you talking about Linda?
Adrian Monk: Shh! Natalie she's the same height as the killer, she had a key to the house.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, that's the captain's girlfriend. I- I don't believe it. I mean, it could all just be a coincidence, right?
Adrian Monk: [takes out lipstick] I found it in her purse.
Natalie: Coral Peach by Runway.