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‘Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank

612. Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank

Aired January 18, 2008

Monk takes a job as a bank security guard after his branch is robbed.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, look, look, look! A toaster! It's in perfect condition!
Adrian Monk: No. No, thank you.
Natalie: Look, it's five dollars. Please, I'll pay for it.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's used. I'm not gonna make food in somebody else's toaster. Unless I'm wrong, that's how the bubonic plague got started.
Natalie: That's not true.
Adrian Monk: I said, unless I'm wrong.

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Natalie: There's nobody out there.
Lieutenant Disher: No. Wait. No, there is somebody out there. And I know he's watching. I can feel it, you son of a bitch. He's looking right at this thing. Oh, I hate this guy.
[Outside, "Call 911 U Silver Bastar" crawls across the ticker. After the living statue's watch beeps, he climbs off his podium and pulls out his cell phone.]
Living Statue: Yeah, I'm here at Vincent Place, in front of the bank. I think you better get down here.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?
Gloria Morales: It's a boy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good for you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Got names picked out?
Gloria Morales: We haven't decided yet. What's your name?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Leland.
Gloria Morales: We haven't decided yet.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: I'm just saying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, give it a rest.
Lieutenant Disher: There must have been 80 bucks in that can. For three hours work, tax free? The guy makes more money than I do. Just doing nothing. Standing there. I can do that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, you can.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I'm gonna do it. After work. Do it part time. Pick up a couple of bucks.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're gonna be a living statue?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, I am.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good for you. But how are we supposed to know what job you're doing?
Lieutenant Disher: I'll be painted silver.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Man: I'm depositing this.
Tiffany Preston: No problem. $98. I'll just be a second.
Adrian Monk: $98?
Tiffany Preston: That's right. [Monk hands her two bills] What's this?
Adrian Monk: Make it an even hundred.
Man: Well, that's what I call service.
Tiffany Preston: Are you allowed to do that?
Man: Sure. He can.
Man #2: I'd like to cash this.
Tiffany Preston: $496. [Monk hands her four bills] $500.
Man #2: Thank you.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: [to the living statue] Excuse me, Lieutenant Disher, SFPD. You got a pretty good view of the bank from here. We're investigating a robbery that took place earlier this morning. Sir? Sir, this is official police business. It'll just take a minute. If you're not too busy. All right, I know you can hear me. Look, I just saw you blink. You blinked. [screams gibberish] Oh, I get it. Normally we don't pay for information. [puts money in the tin] So what time did you arrive at the park this morning, sir? Okay, you know what, pal? I can get crane down here in 20 minutes, lift you up and drag you downtown.
Living Statue: [watch beeps] This is my break.
Lieutenant Disher: Thank you. That's more like it.
Living Statue: This is my job. I mean, how would you like it if I came down to your office and got all... [screams gibberish] in your face? Was I here? Yeah, I was here. I've been here all day. I'm here every morning. Even Sundays.
Lieutenant Disher: Good, did you see anything unusual around 9:00?
Living Statue: Yeah, I saw a guy. About 5'10", green hoodie. He was hanging out, pacing around. Looked kind of nervous. And then he went inside.
Lieutenant Disher: Good, did you get a look at his face?
Living Statue: He had his hood up, sorry.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay, hood up. And then what happened?
Living Statue: Oh, about ten minutes later the alarm went off and I saw...
[The living statue's watch beeps and he once again takes position on the pedestal]
Lieutenant Disher: Whoa, what are you doing? No, no, no, no. No, no, no, don't. Don't do that. Hey, we're not done here. What did you see?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Come on, you gotta pull yourself together. Look at me. Look at me. We just have to make it until 9:00 am. When the bank opens, they'll open the vault.
Adrian Monk: No, they won't.
Natalie: Sure they will. Somebody will.
Adrian Monk: You don't get it. It wasn't just Peter Crawley.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, well, obviously we know now that Madge was in on it too.
Lieutenant Disher: And the Russian.
Adrian Monk: No, no, you still don't get it. It was all of them. They were all in on it. Look, six toothpicks! Madge, Crawley, Jasmine, Harrison, Tiffany, Gloria. The whole staff! They planned it together. Here's what happened. It was like they were putting on a play. They must have rehearsed it for weeks. One of them had to play the Russian. It was probably Madge. She was about the right height. I didn't see her on the surveillance tape.
Natalie: But what did the toothpicks mean?
Adrian Monk: One of them had to get shot. To make it look good. So they were drawing straws.
Natalie: I don't get it. Why did they kill the manager?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, they probably had an agreement not to spend any of the money, but Crawley couldn't resist.
Adrian Monk: Of course we'll never know for sure. Because we're gonna die soon.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Permission to speak freely.
Adrian Monk: Permission denied.
Natalie: I'm gonna say it anyway. You have to buy a new toaster.
Adrian Monk: I'm fine. It's fine.
Natalie: It's burning all the toast. Look! Mr. Monk, it's a fire hazard.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I've had that toaster for 27 years. I'll just call a repairman.
Natalie: No, no, no, there's no such thing, Mr. Monk. Nobody fixes toasters anymore. You can buy a new one for $30.
Adrian Monk: $30? $30?
Natalie: Or you could see your house burn down around you.
Adrian Monk: Well, I am renting, so... Let's see what kind of year we have.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Well, who is it? Wait, don't tell me. Let me figure it out.
Gloria Morales: Next in line!
Natalie: Her. The pregnant woman. It's always the ones you least expect.
Adrian Monk: Gloria Morales. Good guess, but wrong. No, she's not strong enough. The inside man had to move this ficus tree to block that security camera.
Natalie: What about Madge?
Adrian Monk: Same problem. She couldn't move the tree. She's got a bad back.
Natalie: What about him? He looks pretty strong.
Adrian Monk: That's Leon Harrison. He could probably move the tree, but he's too short.
Natalie: Too short?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. The inside man had to trip the breaker to disengage the alarm. It goes to the back door. The junction box is behind this cabinet, which is bolted to the floor. I tried, but I just can't reach it. So the inside man has to be taller than me.
Natalie: Hey, what about her? She's pretty tall.
Adrian Monk: Tiffany Preston.
Natalie: It's her, isn't it? God, kids today. I blame the parents, really.
Adrian Monk: No no, Natalie, it's not her. She is tall enough. But the inside man also had to unlock the back gate. Tiffany just started working here, so she doesn't have that key.
Natalie: But that's everybody. There's no one left.
Adrian Monk: Not quite.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Mr. Monk, have you been working out?
Adrian Monk: Ow, no.
Natalie: You think they'll let you keep the uniform?
Adrian Monk: Huh? Oh, I don't know.
Natalie: You should ask them. It looks good on you. I used to make Mitch wear his all the time. He'd walk out and he'd look so shiny.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about? Are you bantering?
Natalie: Am I- [giggling] I don't know, I guess a little.
Adrian Monk: I don't banter.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Thank God I finished recording my demo. I'm gonna live forever through my music. [hums]

Quote from Natalie

New Manager: As you can imagine, Mr. Monk, it's been a public relations nightmare. It's almost unthinkable. Six employees, the entire branch planning something like that. Anyway, if there's anything that we can do for you, anything at all, please.
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: Well, he could use a new toaster.
New Manager: Yes, of course! Of course. Please. Take it. Use it in good health. It's the least we can do.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: You just moved. I saw you.
Living Statue: Did not. Get off of my corner.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Come over here and make me.
Living Statue: You come over here.
Lieutenant Disher: You come here.
Living Statue: You come over here.
Lieutenant Disher: You come over here.
Living Statue: You come-
[They both stop talking as a woman walks by. She places some money in Disher's can]
Lieutenant Disher: Ha, ha, ha. Sucker.
Living Statue: I hate you. I hate you so much.


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