Captain Stottlemeyer: Ah, tough guy, eh? Look at this. See that? That's a bullet. That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight.
Lieutenant Disher: That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: Former what?
Lieutenant Disher: Former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: You mean he used to shoot cops?
Lieutenant Disher: No, he shot someone who used to be a cop.
Vince Kuramoto: Why didn't you say that?
Lieutenant Disher: I did. It's the same thing.
Vince Kuramoto: It's not the same thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, for god's sake, what are you two married, or what?

Adrian Monk: Natalie, look at this thing. We've got nature on the run. Finally. Look at that. Look! It's the perfect sandwich! Perfect! There's no overlap. There's no waste. Four 90 degree angles. This will virtually eliminate indigestion.
Natalie: Are you going to help me, or not?
Adrian Monk: You can taste the symmetry!
Natalie: Please!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't run around looking for a stolen bicycle. I still have some pride left. Not much. But my dignity tank isn't completely empty.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, don't talk like that. You're going to be just fine.
Dr. Levinson: Somebody's up. Hello, good evening. I'm Dr. Levinson. And you are a very lucky man.
Adrian Monk: Is she talking to me?
Dr. Levinson: A few inches over, the bullet would have severed your femoral artery. I'd say that's lucky.
Adrian Monk: You know who I think is lucky? Everybody else in this room. The unshot people. The great unshot. The lead-free. Bulletless.
Natalie: When can I take him home?
Dr. Levinson: Maybe tomorrow if he's up to it. Are you a fighter, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: [whines] No.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's me. It's Natalie. How are you feeling?
Adrian Monk: Ah, my leg! Ah, my legs! They don't match!
Natalie: I know. I know they don't, Mr. Monk. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I feel just terrible.
Adrian Monk: Good.
Natalie: I talked to the surgeon. And guess what? You have 100 stitches. An even 100. I thought that was nice of him. And, I brought you some new clothes, so you don't have to worry about that. Oh, daisies. 100 daises.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. I can watch them die. And they can do the same for me.

Natalie: Okay, there he is. And that's me.
Adrian Monk: And this is where she didn't listen to me.
Lieutenant Disher: What are you saying right there?
Natalie: I said, "nice bolt cutters."
Captain Stottlemeyer: "Nice bolt cutters."
Natalie: So what do you think?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I think it's clearly a job for the bike squad. I'll radio that in. It's a 487.
Natalie: I didn't know there was a bike squad.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, we got helicopters. About 800 guys will fan out all around the city.

Natalie: Please, Mr. Monk. You are so brilliant. It wouldn't take you more than a couple of hours. Look, I promised him. It can count as my birthday gift.
Adrian Monk: I didn't plan on buying you a birthday gift.
Natalie: All right. I'm cashing in my chips.
Adrian Monk: What chips?
Natalie: My karma chips. I've been collecting karma chips every week, every day, every time I do something stupid for you.
Adrian Monk: It's your job. You're paid. Semi-regularly.
Natalie: Yeah, I'm not talking about my job. I'm talking about all the other stuff. I've been babysitting you for five years. I've collected, like, a thousand chips. And I'm cashing them all in. I'm all in. You have to help me find the bike.

Adrian Monk: What is all this?
Sarah Longson: It's a research lab. Agricultural engineering. Dean, Dean Berry founded BetaVegaTech five years ago.
Adrian Monk: So what exactly do you do?
Sarah Longson: We're saving the world.
Adrian Monk: Oh, good for you. I was getting a little worried about the world. Is that a square tomato?!
Sarah Longson: Yes, it is. It's a pet project of Dean's. The square shape means that farmers can pack 35% more tomatoes per carton. It's cheaper. More efficient.
Adrian Monk: So... So that means every slice is exactly the same size?
Natalie: How does it taste?
Adrian Monk: Who cares? It's a square tomato! You're doing the Lord's work.

Captain Stottlemeyer: San Francisco Police Department. What's going on? You all right?
Natalie: Yeah, we're fine.
Lieutenant Disher: You said it was an emergency.
Natalie: Somebody stole his bike.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And?
Natalie: Rode away.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And?
Natalie: Didn't come back.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And?

Adrian Monk: [pushes wheelchair] Wipe. [pushes wheelchair] Wipe. [pushes wheelchair] Wipe. Wipe!
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, why don't I push? Where do you want to go?
Adrian Monk: Over by that wall. Just planning on staring at it for a couple of weeks.

Natalie: I bet you're hungry. How about some lunch? How about a BLT? And not just any ol' BLT. I'm going to make you a bl-square-t.
Adrian Monk: No, thank you. You know what I am in the mood for?
Natalie: What? Just tell me. Anything.
Adrian Monk: Some chips.
Natalie: Chips.
Adrian Monk: Karma chips. Mmm. Oh, I love them. Just a big bowl of karma chips. And guacamole.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, believe me. You have all the chips. You have the whole bank, okay? I talked to Julie. I told her I'm going to be staying here with you tonight, maybe all weekend. And you can forget about paying me overtime. I'll just take the regular salary.
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's right. It's payday, isn't it?
Natalie: No, I wasn't bringing it up because it's payday. I'm saying you don't have to pay-
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry, Natalie. My checkbook is up there. On the top shelf. I can't seem to reach it.