Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Mr. Monk on Wheels’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk on Wheels

711. Mr. Monk on Wheels

Aired January 16, 2009

After Natalie convinces Monk to investigate a scientist's stolen bicycle, Monk gets shot in the leg and has to spend three weeks in a wheelchair.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Ah, tough guy, eh? Look at this. See that? That's a bullet. That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight.
Lieutenant Disher: That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: Former what?
Lieutenant Disher: Former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: You mean he used to shoot cops?
Lieutenant Disher: No, he shot someone who used to be a cop.
Vince Kuramoto: Why didn't you say that?
Lieutenant Disher: I did. It's the same thing.
Vince Kuramoto: It's not the same thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, for god's sake, what are you two married, or what?

Rate

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Natalie, look at this thing. We've got nature on the run. Finally. Look at that. Look! It's the perfect sandwich! Perfect! There's no overlap. There's no waste. Four 90 degree angles. This will virtually eliminate indigestion.
Natalie: Are you going to help me, or not?
Adrian Monk: You can taste the symmetry!
Natalie: Please!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't run around looking for a stolen bicycle. I still have some pride left. Not much. But my dignity tank isn't completely empty.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, don't talk like that. You're going to be just fine.
Dr. Levinson: Somebody's up. Hello, good evening. I'm Dr. Levinson. And you are a very lucky man.
Adrian Monk: Is she talking to me?
Dr. Levinson: A few inches over, the bullet would have severed your femoral artery. I'd say that's lucky.
Adrian Monk: You know who I think is lucky? Everybody else in this room. The unshot people. The great unshot. The lead-free. Bulletless.
Natalie: When can I take him home?
Dr. Levinson: Maybe tomorrow if he's up to it. Are you a fighter, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: [whines] No.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's me. It's Natalie. How are you feeling?
Adrian Monk: Ah, my leg! Ah, my legs! They don't match!
Natalie: I know. I know they don't, Mr. Monk. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I feel just terrible.
Adrian Monk: Good.
Natalie: I talked to the surgeon. And guess what? You have 100 stitches. An even 100. I thought that was nice of him. And, I brought you some new clothes, so you don't have to worry about that. Oh, daisies. 100 daises.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. I can watch them die. And they can do the same for me.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Natalie: Okay, there he is. And that's me.
Adrian Monk: And this is where she didn't listen to me.
Lieutenant Disher: What are you saying right there?
Natalie: I said, "nice bolt cutters."
Captain Stottlemeyer: "Nice bolt cutters."
Natalie: So what do you think?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I think it's clearly a job for the bike squad. I'll radio that in. It's a 487.
Natalie: I didn't know there was a bike squad.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, we got helicopters. About 800 guys will fan out all around the city.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Please, Mr. Monk. You are so brilliant. It wouldn't take you more than a couple of hours. Look, I promised him. It can count as my birthday gift.
Adrian Monk: I didn't plan on buying you a birthday gift.
Natalie: All right. I'm cashing in my chips.
Adrian Monk: What chips?
Natalie: My karma chips. I've been collecting karma chips every week, every day, every time I do something stupid for you.
Adrian Monk: It's your job. You're paid. Semi-regularly.
Natalie: Yeah, I'm not talking about my job. I'm talking about all the other stuff. I've been babysitting you for five years. I've collected, like, a thousand chips. And I'm cashing them all in. I'm all in. You have to help me find the bike.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What is all this?
Sarah Longson: It's a research lab. Agricultural engineering. Dean, Dean Berry founded BetaVegaTech five years ago.
Adrian Monk: So what exactly do you do?
Sarah Longson: We're saving the world.
Adrian Monk: Oh, good for you. I was getting a little worried about the world. Is that a square tomato?!
Sarah Longson: Yes, it is. It's a pet project of Dean's. The square shape means that farmers can pack 35% more tomatoes per carton. It's cheaper. More efficient.
Adrian Monk: So... So that means every slice is exactly the same size?
Natalie: How does it taste?
Adrian Monk: Who cares? It's a square tomato! You're doing the Lord's work.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: San Francisco Police Department. What's going on? You all right?
Natalie: Yeah, we're fine.
Lieutenant Disher: You said it was an emergency.
Natalie: Somebody stole his bike.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And?
Natalie: Rode away.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And?
Natalie: Didn't come back.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [pushes wheelchair] Wipe. [pushes wheelchair] Wipe. [pushes wheelchair] Wipe. Wipe!
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, why don't I push? Where do you want to go?
Adrian Monk: Over by that wall. Just planning on staring at it for a couple of weeks.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: I bet you're hungry. How about some lunch? How about a BLT? And not just any ol' BLT. I'm going to make you a bl-square-t.
Adrian Monk: No, thank you. You know what I am in the mood for?
Natalie: What? Just tell me. Anything.
Adrian Monk: Some chips.
Natalie: Chips.
Adrian Monk: Karma chips. Mmm. Oh, I love them. Just a big bowl of karma chips. And guacamole.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, believe me. You have all the chips. You have the whole bank, okay? I talked to Julie. I told her I'm going to be staying here with you tonight, maybe all weekend. And you can forget about paying me overtime. I'll just take the regular salary.
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's right. It's payday, isn't it?
Natalie: No, I wasn't bringing it up because it's payday. I'm saying you don't have to pay-
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry, Natalie. My checkbook is up there. On the top shelf. I can't seem to reach it.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Do you got a minute?
Adrian Monk: Do I have a minute? I'm in a wheelchair.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, I know that this is tough, but this is tough on Natalie too. You see this guy here? That's the guy that shot you. The guy in the body bag. And you're madder at her than you are at him.
Adrian Monk: She hasn't said anything.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Of course she hasn't said anything. She blames herself for what happened. She... Look, I know you caught a bad break. I'm sorry you're in pain. Sorry you're miserable. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. But you can't keep taking everything out on her. Listen, Detective Monk, be very careful, because you're that close from losing that girl. Ask me how I know.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Because you're acting like me.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Dean Berry: Okay, we're all cued up.
Lieutenant Disher: Hey, when you have a second, I have an idea for a new vegetable.
Dean Berry: We don't really solicit ideas.
Lieutenant Disher: It's a hollowed out cucumber, with French dressing already inside. You want to know what I call it?
Dean Berry: No, I don't.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, look, the bolt cutters.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, you're right. Those are nice.
Natalie: Maybe he's riding his bike. I don't see it.
Adrian Monk: He's right in there. I can see him. Playing video games, eating junk food. What are we doing here?
Natalie: The right thing.
Adrian Monk: [knocks] Hello, Johnny. Open up. It's Encyclopedia Brown. Sally and I want our blue bike back, and the name of your decorator. You're not in trouble. Nobody's going to press charges. We just want the bike.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: I mean look, it's not complicated, Vince. If you know where your cousin is, and you're not telling us, that makes you an accessory after the fact.
Lieutenant Disher: Aiding and abetting.
Captain Stottlemeyer: For attempted murder. Which is a very, very long good-bye. Let me put it this way, your parole officer, he hasn't been born yet.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: We got the forensics back on that bullet. It was a 22 caliber.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, and get this. We picked up Kuramoto's cousin. He says it wasn't random. Kuramoto was after that particular bike.
Natalie: You're kidding.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Somebody paid him three grand to boost it.
Adrian Monk: $3,000?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Natalie, you got a good look at it. Was there anything unusual about that bike?
Natalie: Uh, like what?
Lieutenant Disher: Solid gold basket?
Natalie: No, I don't think it had a solid gold basket.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Maybe the frame was hollow and had something inside it. Drugs or cash.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's what I was thinking. I think we need to go talk to Dr. Berry again.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, we're on our way to his house right now. You want to come?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I don't think so.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you going to do? You're going to hang out here feeling sorry for yourself? And complain to Natalie?
Adrian Monk: That's the plan. [Stottlemeyer starts pushing Monk's wheelchair] Hey, What are you doing?!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Change of plans.
Adrian Monk: Change of plans? What happened to my plan?
Captain Stottlemeyer: New plan.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Is that it?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir. "For Professor Dean Berry in deepest appreciation."
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's the bike. And it was in the dumpster?
Ronnie O'Dell: Yes, sir. We downloaded this unit at approximately 14:30 this afternoon. I read about the stolen bike in the paper, and the officer that was shot over it. I like to read the police blotter.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is that a fact?
Ronnie O'Dell: Uh, yes, I think it's my civic duty. You see, I like to think of the Sanitation Department as being the eyes and the ears of the city.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain, this is Ronnie O'Dell. He's been, uh, very helpful.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sounds like it. So the bike was just sitting there on top?
Ronnie O'Dell: No sir. It was buried. It was on or beneath, what we like to call the "nadir," see, which is very important to us. Because we know when this unit was last emptied. Which means that we can pinpoint the day, and even approximate the time when the bike was discarded.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Which was?
Lieutenant Disher: 3:30, Monday afternoon. About 20 minutes after it was stolen.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, the bike rack is about a 1/2 mile away. So what, the guy steals the bike, he rides a couple of blocks, and then throws it away?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Ronnie O'Dell: Apparently.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He didn't want the bike. After all of this. What the hell's going on?
Ronnie O'Dell: We don't know, sir. Frankly, the lieutenant and I... We're stymied.
Lieutenant Disher: We found the basket.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, Randy, get it over with. Tell me now. Is the basket made of gold?
Lieutenant Disher: No, it's a basic basket. We've been through this whole truck, only thing we can't find Is the bell, the cable, and the lock.
Ronnie O'Dell: Wait a second. What do you got? Eh? [rings bell]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good, you found the bell. [bell ringing continues] Thank you. You can stop ringing the bell now.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Natalie, look what you've done. This death trap is worse than the other death trap.
Natalie: Sorry, Mr. Monk.
Dean Berry: Are you all right?
Natalie: Is Mr. Monk okay?
Dean Berry: This girl is dehydrated. Has she not had a steady intake of fluids?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Dean Berry: Has she been sleeping?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Dean Berry: Does she eat?
Adrian Monk: Well, I think... I don't know.
Dean Berry: Stay right here. I'm going to get you some juice and some vitamins.
Natalie: Okay, thanks.
Dean Berry: You're going to be fine. [gives Monk a dirty look]
Adrian Monk: Dear God, what have I done? [offers Natalie] Wipe?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Natalie, I've been a fool. I've been a Jerk. I'm so sorry. Here, go like this. Go like this.
Natalie: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Those are chips. I'm giving them all back to you. I'm sorry. Leland was right. I have been taking everything out on you. I'm sorry.
Natalie: Thank you, Mr. Monk. See, was that so hard?
Adrian Monk: It was pretty hard.

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode