Sharona: Sir, you have to stop that train! He's all alone!
Police Officer: Okay, okay, okay. Shh, calm down. Calm down, calm down, calm down. Ma'am, this happens all the time. What's his name?
Sharona: Um, Adrian Monk.
Police Officer: Okay, how old is he?
Sharona: He's 45.

Adrian Monk: Perfect.
Sketch Artist: Thank God. All right, let's move on. Tell me about this guy's eyes.
Adrian Monk: I didn't see his eyes. He was covering his face, so... All I saw was a left ear.
Sketch Artist: What are we supposed to do with this? I can't distribute this.
Adrian Monk: I'd recognize him.
Sketch Artist: From this?
Adrian Monk: Every ear is different. They're like fingerprints.
Sharona: Hey, how's it going?
Sketch Artist: This is all that he saw.
Adrian Monk: You know what? The earlobe was a little rounder.

Adrian Monk: You found the hotel key card, so you knew where he was staying. You ran the whole way. You probably didn't even notice that it started to rain. [to the busboy] You. It was you. You filthy, disgusting animal. You make me sick!
Busboy: Me?
Sharona: What are you doing? He's a busboy.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, don't you recognize him from the subway? He's the urinator. Urinator! It was you. Don't, don't, don't, don't try to deny it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk!
Adrian Monk: We saw what you-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, he followed the ambassador to the hotel, the ambassador must have noticed the jewelry, Leight killed them all, switched coats, and that's how one of them was wet. You. Where were you raised? I mean, how can you live with yourself? Disgusting pig. And you work in the food service industry, for god's sake.
Sharona: Will you control yourself?
Captain Walter Cage: The ballistics check out. The wife was killed with the same gun. Mr. Leight, you're under arrest for four counts of premeditated homicide.
Adrian Monk: Sir, captain Cage, I'm going to need to borrow these handcuffs, 'cause you're going down, Mr.
Pee.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk.
Sharona: Adrian, that man took a whiz in the subway. That man killed four people in cold blood. Now, who do you think we should arrest?
Adrian Monk: ... The murderer.

Warrick Tennyson: You were the husband.
Adrian Monk: I am the husband.
Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me.
Adrian Monk: Forgive you? This is me turning off your morphine.
[Monk adjusts his coat, looks Tennyson in the eyes, then turns around.]
Warrick Tennyson: [gasps]
Adrian Monk: And this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.

Captain Walter Cage: Mr. Monk. Mr. Monk. We know about your reputation, and we, uh, we appreciate your help, but this is a big case. I've got the Feds breathing down my neck. I've got CNN outside. I don't have all day here.
Adrian Monk: I can't focus. It's too noisy.
Captain Walter Cage: What's -What's noisy?
Adrian Monk: It's, uh, it's the traffic.
Captain Walter Cage: But we're inside.
Adrian Monk: I can hear it.
Captain Walter Cage: Would you like us to shut down midtown Manhattan so you can focus here?
Adrian Monk: Would that be inconvenient?

Sharona: See? You did it. You rode the subway. I'm proud of you. You're becoming a real New Yorker.
Adrian Monk: I rode on the subway.
Homeless Man: Change?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I think I did.

Street Preacher: There will be a reckoning because judgment day is coming!
Adrian Monk: Testify, brother! Ha ha! Whoo! Speak unto it, brother! Get it said!
Street Preacher: But it's still not too late.
Sharona: Is that him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Sharona: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Street Preacher: Repent all you fornicators.
Adrian Monk: You fornicators! Save yourselves!

Lieutenant Disher: Check it out. It's a Rolex.
Sharona: Where'd you get it?
Lieutenant Disher: Met a guy who knew a guy. Never needs batteries.
Sharona: Well, of course not. It runs on stupidity. Randy, you're so gullible, it's frightening.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, well, it does everything. Look, I can tell you what time it is all around the world. It's 5:30 here. In Denver, it's 3:30. In Los Angeles, 12:17. And in Paris, France, time has stopped.

Adrian Monk: His coat.
Captain Walter Cage: Whose coat?
Adrian Monk: The ambassador's coat. It's damp.
Captain Walter Cage: He's right. And the other coats are dry. How'd we miss that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You get used to it.

Captain Stottlemeyer: This whole city's laid out on a grid. That's a good thing. He likes grids.