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‘Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame

203. Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame

Aired July 11, 2003

Monk investigates the murder of a billionaire and his wife, who were lured to their deaths by an altered GPS map. Meanwhile, Monk subs in as umpire for Benjy's little league game.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: There's more.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And would you like to share it with us, Randy?
Lieutenant Disher: The shooter abandoned the car in a parking lot. There was a security camera. We got a picture of him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's it? They can't clean that up?
Lieutenant Disher: It is cleaned up. I mean, he was 50 feet away. Should I release it to the press?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's the point? I've seen better pictures of Bigfoot.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: Okay. Well, I hate to end the session on that note, but the hour is up.
Adrian Monk: No, it's not. It's only been 57 minutes.
Dr. Kroger: How'd you do that? You're wearing a watch?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dr. Kroger: You could see my watch, right?
Adrian Monk: No. It's a gift.
Dr. Kroger: And a curse.
Adrian Monk: And a curse.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Adrian. Adrian, you were right. This is the room. Look at the drapes and the church outside. They both must have taken this class.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes. Oh, no! Okay. Sharona, I can't do this.
Sharona: Why? 'Cause he's naked? You've never seen a naked man before?
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona: Well, you've seen yourself naked, right?
Adrian Monk: Just once.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: That's it. Sharona, let's go. Come on. I can't. I just can't.
Sharona: What about the case?
Adrian Monk: Forget about the case. We can't win 'em all.
Sharona: So you're gonna let a murderer go because you can't talk to a naked man?
Adrian Monk: Yes.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: That's it. We can see ourselves out. Just stay there.
Sharona: What is your problem? The human body is a beautiful thing.
Adrian Monk: No. It's not.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Thank you, Adrian. I thought I'd thank you now, 'cause in a half an hour, you're probably gonna piss me off again.
Adrian Monk: You're welcome.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lyle Turrow: Excuse me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: There was a bit of a smudge, like an ink stain. I think I got most of it.
Lyle Turrow: No, no, no. It's an autograph.
Adrian Monk: Oh?
Lyle Turrow: Yeah. It's a 1988 All-Star game ball signed by Michael Jordan.
Adrian Monk: [looks at wipe] Well, maybe he could sign it again.
Lyle Turrow: Sure. I'll just call Michael, ask him to stop by.
Adrian Monk: Thank God. I'm so relieved.
Sharona: He's being sarcastic. Give it to me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Oh, my God. I can't watch. Adrian, tell me what's happening.
Adrian Monk: The three is crooked.
Sharona: What three?
Adrian Monk: On the scoreboard. Why doesn't he fix it?
Sharona: Adrian, I need you to watch the game. How's he doing?
Adrian Monk: The one is upside down.
Sharona: You can't tell the one is upside down.
Adrian Monk: I can tell. The whole scoreboard, it's like some surreal, abstract art thing.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hey! The numbers are crooked! Somebody fix the scoreboard! No wonder attendance is down.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Adrian, why don't you go talk to him?
Adrian Monk: Me?
Sharona: Yeah. Give him a pep talk. He respects you.
Adrian Monk: He does? Why?
Sharona: 'Cause he doesn't work for you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hey! Hey, you looked good out there.
Benjy: What game were you watching? I sucked.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. You did, kind of. Listen, Benjy, do me a favor, and, uh, just... your mom thinks I'm givin' you a pep talk.
Benjy: Why?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I don't know. Because I'm a guy. You're... We're two guys. I don't know. I don't know. Look, just kind of nod your head and pretend I'm giving you some good advice.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: This is gonna be a circus. Give me your tie. Give me your tie.
Lieutenant Disher: How'd the game go?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, this is a double homicide.
Lieutenant Disher: Sorry.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I can't talk about the game. We beat 'em 3-1. Jared pitched the whole game. He gave up two hits.
Lieutenant Disher: Really?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Eight strikeouts. Bring them up to speed, all right? Walk 'em through it. I gotta go do my dog and pony show.

Quote from Sharona

Lieutenant Disher: We found the casings. The shooter comes in here pop, pop, pop, pop... four rounds into the wife.
Sharona: Oh, my God.
Adrian Monk: He shot the wife first?
Lieutenant Disher: Then Hammond. Hammond was shot once, but it wasn't fatal. He tried to get away.
Sharona: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: He gets out, runs. The shooter gets back into his car, runs him down.
Sharona: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: Hammond still wasn't dead.
Sharona: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: In the morning, he crawled away.
Sharona: Oh, my God!
Lieutenant Disher: He crawled for two and a half miles. [Monk looks to Sharona, but she's stunned into silence]
Truck driver found him.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: This is Norm Mosely. He was the truck driver who found Lawrence Hammond.
Adrian Monk: Was Mr. Hammond dead when you found him?
Norm Mosely: He was barely hangin' on. He died before the paramedics showed up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Did he say anything?
Norm Mosely: Yes, sir. He said, "Girls can't eat 15 pizzas."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Come again?
Norm Mosely: "Girls can't eat 15 pizzas."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is that it?
Norm Mosely: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You sure?
Norm Mosely: He said it, like, five times. Then he died.
Captain Stottlemeyer: "Girls can't eat 15 pizzas"? What the hell does that mean?
Sharona: Well, it's true. They can't.
Lieutenant Disher: It depends. How many girls are we talkin' about?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hang on. Were there any girls nearby eating pizza?
Norm Mosely: No, sir. I figured he was delirious, but he kept saying it.
Adrian Monk: "Girls can't eat 15 pizzas." Nah. No, no. Forget it. No. Never mind. Never mind.

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: Trudy and I almost bought this house.
Sharona: Really? Adrian, you made a joke. You were joking. You feeling okay?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Hello, Mrs. Jenkins. I'm so sorry to bother you. Um, I'm Sharona Fleming, and this is my boss, Adrian Monk.
Robin Jenkins: You're with the police?
Sharona: Not really.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I'm with the police. Used to be on the force.
Sharona: We help the police. We're private consultants.
Adrian Monk: I was discharged.
Sharona: It's a long story.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: You know, separate bedrooms might've saved my marriage.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: "Girls can't eat 15 pizzas."
Robin Jenkins: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: Those were Mr. Hammond's last words. Does it mean anything to you?
Robin Jenkins: "Girls"
Sharona: "Girls can't eat 15 pizzas."
Robin Jenkins: What girls?
Sharona: We don't know.
Robin Jenkins: Maybe they've got stomachache from the pizza.
Sharona: Uh... No.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Scott Gregorio: I miss her so much. They say when people lose a leg, they can still feel it. That's what it feels like.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Scott Gregorio: How do you just keep going? How do you keep working?
Adrian Monk: When Trudy fell in love with me, I was a detective. I was on the street breaking cases. So I keep working. I keep trying to be the man she loved. That's all you can do. Be the man she loved.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Scott Gregorio: Hey, Benjy. Don't forget help.
Sharona: What's help?
Scott Gregorio: H-E-L-P. Hands together. Elbows up. Level swing. Patience.
Adrian Monk: H-E-L-P.
Scott Gregorio: Yeah. It helps to remember it. It's... What do you call it?
Adrian Monk: Mnemonic device. Sharona, call the captain!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: G-C-E-1-5-P. "Girls can't eat 15 pizzas."
Adrian Monk: It was a mnemonic device.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I understand. That's good work, Monk.
Adrian Monk: I remembered how the housekeeper said Lawrence Hammond never forgot a birthday. A lot of successful people use little tricks to memorize information.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I said I understand.
Adrian Monk: Obviously, Hammond made up the phrase to help him remember the license plate of the car that ran him down. "G" stands for "girl."
Sharona: Adrian. Adrian. He gets it, okay? We all get it.
Adrian Monk: "Girls can't eat 15 pizzas."

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I know that face. I just cannot remember where I've seen it.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian. Adrian, let's put the face aside for a minute. Let's put the case aside for a while, and we're gonna talk about your life. I mean, after all, Adrian, that is what you're paying me for, okay? So, I understand you've been spending a lot of time with Benjy. Now, how does that feel?
Adrian Monk: Oh, he's a great kid.
Dr. Kroger: Yes, I know that. I'm asking how does that feel?
Adrian Monk: It hurts. It hurts to be with him.
Dr. Kroger: Why? You and Trudy ever talk about having kids?
Adrian Monk: Trudy used to bring it up. I said there was no rush. We had all the time in the world. Could've, should've, would've.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Are you okay? You know who killed the Hammonds, don't you? Adrian, you are a great detective.
A terrible umpire, but a great detective.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say "Oh, my God" twice.
Sharona: Okay, okay. Here it is. Don't blink.
Voiceover: [on TV] Baseball's Darryl Grant can break the single-season record for home runs, but one thing he can't break is any storm window made by-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, my God.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my-
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, my God.
Adrian Monk: My God.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What would happen, I wonder, if Scott Gregorio broke Darryl Grant's record.
Walker Browning: I don't know.
Lieutenant Disher: I'll tell you what would happen. That three million dollar baseball would suddenly be worth roughly nothing.
Walker Browning: Yeah, but it doesn't matter, 'cause, uh Well, the slump Gregorio's in, he's not gonna be breakin' any records.
Adrian Monk: You made sure of that, didn't you, Walker? when you murdered the woman he loved. Catching that ball must have been the best day of your life. A few weeks ago, you decided to sell it, but you discovered there were no buyers because the record was about to be broken.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So you panicked. You had to protect your investment.
Adrian Monk: You went after Gregorio outside the stadium. You were trying to break a leg or an arm or anything to keep him out of the lineup. But that didn't work.
Captain Stottlemeyer: After that, he was surrounded by bodyguards 24/7. You knew you'd never have another chance.
Sharona: But he was vulnerable in another way. He was in love with Lawrence Hammond's wife, and you knew it. [dog barks]
Adrian Monk: Okay, has that dog been fed recently?
Walker Browning: Hammond the millionaire? This is insane.
Adrian Monk: You knew Hammond's schedule. The board of directors meeting was well publicized. The night before, you broke into his garage and replaced his global positioning disk with one you programmed yourself.
Hammond followed the directions, and all you had to do was wait.
Sharona: And all because you wanted to sell a baseball.
Walker Browning: No, no. No. You can't prove any of this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Here's a little tip for you, Walker. Next time you wipe down a stolen car, make sure that you get the adjustment bar under the driver's side seat, because we lifted a thumbprint, and I'm betting it's yours.
Walker Browning: [dog barks] Toby! Achtung.
Adrian Monk: I'm done, right? I think I'm done. Am I done?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Stop. Stop. Monk, stop!
Adrian Monk: I'm just gonna leave.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: I wish you were at the game yesterday. Benjy hit two singles and a double. I'm so proud of him.
Adrian Monk: You should be.
Sharona: Next time, he's gonna bat cleanup. Sounds like something you would do. Cleanup. Get it?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I get it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Well, it's kind of fitting, though, don't you think?
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: Nobody ends up with the money. A dog chews it all up.
Sharona: This dog just chewed up three million dollars, and I can't even afford a tank of gas.
Adrian Monk: So you're holding, what, about $20,000 right there. You could put three, four tanks of premium in your car with that. You know what? Consider that a Christmas bonus.
Sharona: Like you would ever give me a Christmas bonus.
Adrian Monk: I want you to go out and buy yourself something pretty.
Sharona: Yeah. Right.
Adrian Monk: Don't save it. You don't have to save the money.


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