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‘Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas

314. Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas

Aired February 18, 2005

A drunk Stottlemeyer calls Monk from Vegas, conviced he's solved a murder involving a local business magnate, Daniel Thorn (guest star James Brolin).

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Where's your boyfriend?
Natalie: I sent him out. I told him I needed a special kind of shampoo.
Adrian Monk: Boy, it's like you have superpowers.
Natalie: It's a gift.
Adrian Monk: And a curse?
Natalie: No, just a gift.

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Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: [answers phone] Hello?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk! You awake? Listen, there was a murder here last week. You know Daniel Thorn?
Adrian Monk: Daniel Thorn?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Daniel Thorn. The son of a bitch murdered his wife and he tried to make it look like an accident. I can prove it. Monk, I solved the case. At least I think I did. [to waitress] Hey, hey. Keep 'em coming. Hot pants!
Adrian Monk: Have you been drinking?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who, me? Uh, yeah, a little bit. Listen, Monk, I need you, man. I need you to come to Vegas. I need a second opinion. I'm staying at the, uh, Monticello Casino, uh, room 3473.
Adrian Monk: Vegas. Las Vegas?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Cop: Hey, look. Stripper left her make-up bag.
Adrian Monk: Strippers?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, it's okay, Monk, 'cause me and, uh, the other married guys, we we went down the hall until she left.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: Okay, okay. Were you alone?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know. I came down, I played some craps, lost some money. I talked to someone.
Adrian Monk: Good. There you go. Who?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It was a man. Or a woman.
Adrian Monk: Oh, man or a woman. That narrows it down. So, it wasn't a child?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Could have been.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: P.D. We're just gonna look around a little bit, okay?
Lewis: Sure, sure. What's, uh, going on? Can I help?
Adrian Monk: Were you on duty the night Mrs. Thorn was...
Lewis: Why? Is this, like, an insurance thing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, this is a "we ask you some questions and you answer" thing.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Daniel Thorn: Look, why why don't you just relax here, Mr. Monk, huh? You're in Las Vegas, do some gambling. I'd be happy to comp you and your friend here.
Adrian Monk: I don't gamble.
Daniel Thorn: Well, then have a drink.
Adrian Monk: Don't drink.
Daniel Thorn: Well, you don't gamble, you don't drink. You wanna know a secret? I don't, either. You and I, we got a lot in common, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Yes, we do. My wife was murdered, too.
Daniel Thorn: No, Sheryl wasn't murdered.
Adrian Monk: I think she was.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, there's Randy. Randy! Randy! How you doin'?
Lieutenant Disher: Hey, uh, I'm down. But that's to be expected. Money is like the tide, it ebbs and it flows. It's all in the book. Right now, I'm, uh, sort of ebbing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, son, exactly how much are you ebbing?
Lieutenant Disher: Down $800. But that's not including the complimentary breakfast and all the free drinks. Don't panic. Don't panic. The worst thing you can do is panic. It's all in the book.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: No, I- I can't be the victim. I'm the detective. I have to step back and observe the scene.
Natalie: Yeah, well, I can observe stuff, too. A. This is a crime scene.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, no, you don't.... You don't know what to look for. Okay? I mean, we have a system. It's a good system. There's an old saying: "Don't change anything ever."
Natalie: That's an old saying?
Adrian Monk: I've been saying it for years.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: No, no, no, look at me. He has no idea what he's talking about. Once you get a taste of it, you will be hooked for sure. You'll never leave.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You won't get hooked.
Natalie: He gets hooked on everything. He's the most compulsive person I've ever met. He's like a different species.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lewis: Mr. Stottlemeyer. Here. Groundskeeping found these in the bushes. Are they yours?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, these are my pants.
Lewis: Well, don't worry, sir. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [laughs] Monk. This is it. Remember I was saying that they didn't match? I was talking about the pictures. Look, look, look, look, look. See, that's her body, right? She's wearing hoop earrings.
Adrian Monk: So?
Captain Stottlemeyer: So, check this out. Moments before she gets on the elevator.
Natalie: Different earrings.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Different girl.
Lieutenant Disher: I'll call Waliver. That's enough for a search warrant.
Adrian Monk: How many people read this paper? 50,000. Nobody else caught it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So, that means if if I'm drunk as a skunk, completely plastered, I'm as smart as you.
Adrian Monk: Smarter.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Welcome to Sin City, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Is it some kind of holiday?
Natalie: Nope. It's like this 24 hours a day, all the time. People come from all over the world just to give their money away.
Adrian Monk: They look miserable.
Natalie: They are miserable. You might be the happiest person here.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: You all right? This is nothing. Wait till the tour buses show up. This place is gonna be packed.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Natalie: I lived here for two years. I was a blackjack dealer.
Adrian Monk: I didn't know that.
Natalie: I've done a lot of things you don't know about.
Adrian Monk: Really? Like what?
Natalie: Like, it's none of your business.
Adrian Monk: Have you ever done hard time?
Natalie: Do you think I've done hard time?
Adrian Monk: Maybe.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Jesus. Where's my pants? Hey, Randy, where's my pants?
Lieutenant Disher: You threw 'em out the window.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why'd I do that?
Lieutenant Disher: One of the girls bet you $1 you wouldn't.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Looks like she paid off. Coming. I'm coming! Quit with the pounding! [looks through the peephole] Which one of you idiots invited Monk?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk. Natalie. What are you doing here?
Natalie: You called him. Last night, you told him to come.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I called you?
Natalie: You said there had been a murder.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you talking about?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: I'll meet you guys later. I'm gonna go hit the tables.
Natalie: How's your luck?
Lieutenant Disher: Great. I'm only down a couple hundred.
Natalie: What are you playin'?
Lieutenant Disher: Blackjack.
Natalie: Why don't you go next door? The Mirage has some $5 tables.
Lieutenant Disher: $5? Those are the kiddie tables. I'm here to make some real money. I got a system.
Natalie: Oh. I didn't know you had a book. Then you can't lose.
Lieutenant Disher: Come on down, see for yourself. You can help me count my chips.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, wait a minute. I called you, Monk.
Adrian Monk: Right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I called... I solved something. It was big.
Natalie: Yeah, you said Daniel Thorn murdered his wife.
Adrian Monk: You said you had proof.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I did?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: I got a question. Were you working last night at 2:00?
Lewis: Oh, yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Was I here?
Lewis: Were you here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Do you remember me? Did we talk?
Lewis: No, sir. I've never seen you before.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Exactly. We never met. Right. I was just testing you. You... You passed. Good job.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Daniel Thorn: You know, some people thought that we should reschedule this groundbreaking ceremony after what happened last week. But I know that Sheryl would want us here today. And as you know, uh, she and I were never able to have children of our own. So, uh, she always considered this project, this hospital to be her baby. Our baby. If in 100 years...
Adrian Monk: He didn't love her.
Natalie: How do you know?
Adrian Monk: I know.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: We just have some questions about your wife. And how she died.
Daniel Thorn: You do? Well, uh, we have our own police force here, Mr. Monk, and, uh, they've already looked into it. If you want a copy of that report, I can assist you with that.
Adrian Monk: Well, I- I've already seen the report, sir. It doesn't add up.
Daniel Thorn: Oh, yeah? What doesn't add up?
Adrian Monk: The night she died, the two of you were going to a fundraiser at the Baker Street Pavilion.
Daniel Thorn: Yeah, that's right. It was a fundraising concert. For this hospital.
Adrian Monk: Right, but she forgot the tickets and that's why she went back upstairs.
Daniel Thorn: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: These were in your pocket, sir. Baker Street Pavilion, May 2.
Daniel Thorn: Oh, my, well, uh I didn't realize they were there. You know, if I'd have known that, she'd be alive here today.
Adrian Monk: We've spoken to some witnesses. They said that you looked for the tickets. They said that you checked your pockets.
Daniel Thorn: They were mistaken.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: "First place, karaoke contest"?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Karaoke.
Adrian Monk: Do you sing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Apparently. Look, last night is a bit of a blur. What did I sing?
Bartender: Ain't No Sunshine.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a good song.
Woman: You made me cry. Sing it again.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't think so.

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