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‘Mr. Monk and the Naked Man’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Naked Man

603. Mr. Monk and the Naked Man

Aired July 27, 2007

Monk is not his brilliant self when a woman is found dead on a nudist beach.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay. He slipped through the bars and out the bathroom window.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How?
Adrian Monk: He wiggled through. He's a nudist. They're all double-jointed.
Lieutenant Disher: They are?
Adrian Monk: Randy. Don't be so naive. They're not like us. All right, look, I-I have a theory. I- I think- I think they secrete a fluid. It's like an oil. It's odorless, but I can smell it. It makes them all slippery. They can wiggle through anything. They're like slugs.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, nobody wiggled through anything. There was a guard on duty all night.
Adrian Monk: Then he's in on it too. He's one of them.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, what about the 20 cops that are outside?
Adrian Monk: They're all in on it! Don't you see? It's a cabal.
Lieutenant Disher: What?
Adrian Monk: A cabal. It's a secret society. Sometimes they're naked. Sometimes they go around dressed to confuse us.
Natalie: Well, they're certainly doing that.
Adrian Monk: Have you read their literature? I have. They want to convert us all. And they won't stop until we're all like them, on beaches, in parks, hanging out everything hanging out. Hanging and hanging. Captain, there's only one way to deal with them. We gotta ship them back.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Ship them back where, Monk?
Adrian Monk: Exactly.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: There's something I never told you. Something happened when I was a boy. There was an incident. With a... With a man.
Dr. Kroger: Who was that?
Adrian Monk: I'd never seen him before. Stranger.
Dr. Kroger: How old were you?
Adrian Monk: I don't remember. Young. I was so small. I remember... [getting emotional] I remember... I was naked.
Dr. Kroger: Take your time.
Adrian Monk: I was so naked. I just hated being naked. And I remember I was crying. And then he hit me.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I'm so sorry.
Adrian Monk: There was blood. There was blood everywhere. I was screaming. I wanted him to stop. And my mother... My mother was smiling.
Dr. Kroger: W- W- Wait, your- your mother was there?
Adrian Monk: Why didn't she stop him? She was supposed to protect me. He kept hitting me. Swinging me around upside down, and...
Dr. Kroger: You were upside down? Was he wearing a mask?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I never wanted to be naked again.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, that man was a doctor. You're remembering your own birth.
Adrian Monk: Doctor? Doctor?
Dr. Kroger: Anybody else, I wouldn't have believed it. But you...
Adrian Monk: Doctor? Well, that would explain a lot, actually. The lights, and my father in the doorway holding a balloon. [sighs]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Well, he got out. Somehow, he got out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And back in again. Without the guards noticing.
Adrian Monk: [to inmate] Excuse me. Where did you get that?
Man: From the guard.
Adrian Monk: How about this? The guard gives Singer an apple. Singer chews the apple core into the shape of a key. He fashions a rudimentary kiln using that light bulb and a sardine can. He hardens the apple core in his kiln, and uses it to pick the lock. Thank you.
Natalie: An apple core key.
Adrian Monk: No?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: There's a small cut to her finger.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I guess Dr. G missed that.
Adrian Monk: It's like a paper cut.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh yeah, those hurt like the dickens.
Natalie: What about all the stab wounds?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, they probably hurt too.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Don't you talk. This is not a conversation. This is an intervention. I'll tell you what I do know. Number one, it was not Chance Singer.
Adrian Monk: Captain!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Chance Singer was in my jail all night long. Number two, you are off this case.
Adrian Monk: You- You- You're defending them?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, this is San Francisco! There's a million weirdoes out there. Some of them are wearing clothes. Some of them are not. And yes, I am defending them. [holds badge] That's what this means. We defend them. I spend a lot of my time - too much of my time - trying to keep bigotry and racism out of this department.
Adrian Monk: I am not a bigot.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I don't know what else to call it, Monk. You wanna put this guy away for the rest of his life because he makes you uncomfortable. Look, you've always had issues. But this isn't just another quirk or phobia. Like, uh, your fear of clouds or round things. This is different. This is new. And weird. And ugly.
Adrian Monk: First of all, I am not afraid of round things-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, you're a great detective. Look at it like it's a mystery. There's something going on here. Something's going on inside of you. Figure it out. Detective. I don't wanna see you back here until you do.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: We already spoke to Mr. Singer.
Peter Magneri: Yeah, well, speak to him again. Oh, he likes to pretend he's all peaceful and new age-y, but believe you me, there's a dark side.
Adrian Monk: I believe it. I can tell. Even from here.
Peter Magneri: He threatened me once at a zoning meeting. Hit me with a microphone.
Adrian Monk: He's a nudist! That's what they do. They- They hit people with microphones. Captain. He's the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, he says he was here all night. We need to talk to his staff.
Adrian Monk: Not him. The nudist.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Singer? I already called, Monk. His alibi checks out. He was in a lockup all night.
Adrian Monk: I don't know how he did it but he's the guy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, wasn't there something you wanted to say?
Adrian Monk: Uh, yeah. Chance, I'm sorry for hating you and accusing you of murder, and I've learned a lot, and I'm a better person.
Chance Singer: Hey, you know, we're all just caught here on this crazy, big blue marble doing the best we can. Am I right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, right.
Chance Singer: Right? Come here. Come here. Come here.
Natalie: He wants a hug.
Chance Singer: Come on. Come here. Little closer. Come on. Oh, yeah. Good. Good. Oh, yeah. You're a good hugger. You smell good. Real good. Good. Thanks.
Natalie: You want a wipe?
Adrian Monk: No, I'm good. [walks towards the ocean]
Natalie: Mr. Monk? Mr. Monk? Mr. Monk!

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Magneri. Sir, we need to get you to the hospital.
Peter Magneri: Hospital?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Trust me, sir. You're a very sick man. I'll explain everything on the way.
Medic: He's right, sir. I've seen your X-rays. We've got an ambulance waiting downstairs.
Peter Magneri: X- ray?
Lieutenant Disher: Hi. Remember me? Listen, I don't want to upset you or anything, but, uh my MagnaPod died.
No, I-I bought another one. And, uh, it's the second one I've bought in three months.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, give it a rest.
Lieutenant Disher: No, it's no big deal. You see, it just keeps getting stuck on "menu." So, I mean, and my Walkman never did that.
Peter Magneri: Well, get yourself another Walkman! Leave me alone.

Quote from Natalie

Chance Singer: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, look at that cloud. What does that cloud look like to you?
Chance Singer: Huh? What cloud?
Adrian Monk: Oh, there's a cloud. Way up there. You guys talk. I'm gonna keep looking at it for a while.
Chance Singer: Well, hey, if you're ever in, uh, San Diego, give us a call. You won't have to crouch in the closet this time.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Natalie: I'd love to. But I promised Mr. Monk I wouldn't be visiting any nude beaches until five years after he's dead.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Dr. G is guesstimating around 1:00 a.m. at the latest. Probably midnight. Is this a bad time?
Lieutenant Disher: It's this MagnaPod. The thing's brand-new and it keeps getting stuck. I can get to the menu, but every time I press play, it just goes... I'm gonna put it away now. We've got work to do.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And what happened to your gun?
Lieutenant Disher: Right here, back pocket. Well, I use my gun, what, maybe once a year. Use this all the time. I bet I can guess what you're thinking.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I bet you can't.

Quote from Natalie

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, we've got a little problem here. This is a clothing optional beach.
Natalie: Clothing optional?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Natalie: Oh. [gasps] Oh.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. So what do you think? I just want him to look around a little bit, see if we missed something. It'll just take a minute.
Natalie: Oh my God, I see one. Oh God, they're everywhere. Oh no, there's another one. No, no, no, I-I gotta take him home. This is too risky.
Lieutenant Disher: It's too late. Here he comes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We can do this. Let's just distract him.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk! Hey.
Adrian Monk: There should be a law against murdering people on a beach.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Did she say anything?
Peter Magneri: Yes. Something about a matter of life and death.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And you didn't let her in?
Peter Magneri: What, are you crazy? Everybody wants a piece of me. Everybody's problem's a matter of life and death.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I know. Happens to us all the time. Everybody wants something. Listen, while we are here, when I press play on this thing, why does it keep sending me back to the menu?
Peter Magneri: I have no idea. Call customer service.
Lieutenant Disher: No, no, no. Ha ha. They kept me on hold for an hour and a half. Look, my warranty just expired. If you could take a quick look at it-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant! Holster your MP3. That's an order.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Look at him, out there in public.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's a nude beach!
Peter Magneri: It's repugnant.
Adrian Monk: That's the word. Repugnant.
Peter Magneri: Degenerate.
Adrian Monk: That's the other word. Degenerate!
Natalie: Don't you think that's a little bit harsh?
Adrian Monk: We're being polite.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, there's been something I've been trying to tell you. When I was 19-
Adrian Monk: Is this gonna be a long story?
Natalie: Please let me finish. I was an exchange student in Greece. And there was this beautiful beach that was about three blocks away that I went to all the time.
Adrian Monk: Great.
Natalie: And this is the thing, Mr. Monk. Um, it was a European beach. Which means topless.
Adrian Monk: I don't care. I had a breakthrough.
Natalie: I was a nudist, Mr. Monk. I was one of them. I went back four years ago, so technically I guess I still am one. I was in the cabal.
Adrian Monk: No, Natalie, forget that.
Natalie: I mean, maybe it means you can't work with me anymore, but I don't care. I'm not apologizing for it. I met the best people. It was the most amazing time of my life.
Adrian Monk: Great. Natalie, listen. I am not that guy anymore. It's okay. I had an amazing session with Dr. Kroger. I went back. I went way back. Way, way, way, way, way back, back. Back, back, back, back, back. And I got past it. This whole naked thing. I understand it now.
Natalie: Wow.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. And guess what I just did? I walked through Bishop Park. You know, the big statue? The nude statue of the nude woman? I looked right at it.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, the statue in Bishop Park is a man.
Adrian Monk: Okay, I glanced at it. But I wasn't completely and totally repulsed. I didn't black out. And I didn't throw up!
Natalie: Wow. You know, there's a word for that. Progress.
Adrian Monk: Progress, that's me. Only 312 other issues to go!
Natalie: Well, I guess we'll just take 'em one at a time.
Adrian Monk: Let's start with dryer lint.


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