Marci Maven: This is my favorite. It's from last summer. See, what I do is I read the articles about you and then I make dioramas of the various cases. This one is "Mr. Monk and the Three Pies."
Adrian Monk: What?!
Marci Maven: When you went to see your brother. That's what I call it.
Adrian Monk: Is that me?
Marci Maven: "Adrian, should we call the captain?" "Not yet, Marci. We need to gather more evidence. Natalie, get the car." "On my way, Mr. Monk."
Natalie: Is that me? It's a troll doll.
Marci Maven: Huh. "Marci, I can't imagine life without you." "Oh, Adrian, I've waited so long..."

Marci Maven: There must be another explanation.
Adrian Monk: Like what, Marci?
Marci Maven: Like, I don't know. I mean, you do it all the time. The police have a theory and they think it's cut and dry. And then you come in and you do your thing. And you get clues and you figure it out. You know, it's like "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut." Or "Mr. Monk Goes Back to School." Oh, remember that one?
Adrian Monk: No! Where are you getting these names?
Natalie: According to the forensic laboratory reports-
Marci Maven: Yeah, well, they're wrong. Okay. They can make mistakes. Maybe it was, uh, a frame-up.
Natalie: [chuckles] They framed your dog?
Marci Maven: [mock chuckle] Yeah, maybe they did frame my dog, Natalie. It's not totally unprecedented. What about "Mr. Monk and the Panic Room"? They tried to frame a monkey, didn't they? See, things aren't always as they seem.
Adrian Monk: That's true.

Adrian Monk: Monogrammed wipe. [picks up tub] Plaster mold? Do not ingest. Marci, when Otto died, did you tell anyone?
Marci Maven: No.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Don't turn! Don't- Don't- Don't turn around. I think you were right. He's the guy. And I know how he did it.
Marci Maven: Oh, my gosh. Say, "Here's what happened."
Adrian Monk: He must've been planning this for weeks!
Marci Maven: Say, "Here's what happened"!

Clerk: Can I help you?
Marci Maven: This is Adrian Monk. He's gonna be asking you some questions.
Clerk: What about?
Marci Maven: You'll find out. First, there are some ground rules. No coughing, no sneezing. You will not shake his hand. You will not make small talk. Do you understand? Lower that sleeve so it's even with the other one. He's very particular. [Marci centers the clerk's baseball cap] Yes.
Adrian Monk: Have you seen this dog?
Clerk: No.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.

John Ringel: Where's your car, Marci?
Marci Maven: Out front.
John Ringel: I hope you have a full tank. We got a long trip ahead of us.
Adrian Monk: Listen. I have to sit in the front. It's one of my things.
Marci Maven: Yeah, he's got a million "things." I don't know what I was thinking.

Marci Maven: Shoot him.
Adrian Monk: I don't have a gun.
Marci Maven: You did in "Mr. Monk and The Dragon's Lair."
Adrian Monk: The what?!
Marci Maven: Oh, wait. I made that one up. It's called "fan fiction."
John Ringel: I said shut up!

Marci Maven: They think I killed Otto?!
Adrian Monk: Well, that would explain quite a bit.
Natalie: Makes a lotta sense.
Marci Maven: No, I-I don't do that, okay? I don't kill things I love.
Natalie: Well, that's reassuring.

Marci Maven: That's where they found her in the shed. He's doing it. That is so cool. I've got goose bumps. I really do. You wanna see?
Natalie: No, thank you.
Marci Maven: Bumpy. You have the best job in the world.
Natalie: Not today, I don't.
Marci Maven: Did you say something? 'Cause it sounded like you said something.

Adrian Monk: It's her! I get so flustered.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're not flustered. You're flattered. Who wouldn't be? She adores you. She knows everything about you. After all, you're only human.
Adrian Monk: There's no need for name-calling.
Natalie: You know what? On second thought, I think it's a great idea.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Natalie: I'm calling a cab. I'm going home.
Adrian Monk: What?!
Natalie: I'm glad that this happened, actually. That woman is as obsessive and compulsive as you are. I want you to see what it's like. Go ahead. Hang out with her, work with her. I'll call you tomorrow. We'll compare notes.

Marci Maven: What is it?
Adrian Monk: It's chew marks. Look!
Marci Maven: Otto! You are amazing! What do you wanna call this case?
Adrian Monk: I don't know! Shut up.
Marci Maven: How about "Mr. Monk is Friggin' Awesome"? How about "Mr. Monk and Marci: The Adventure Begins"?
Adrian Monk: It doesn't matter. Nobody cares about the name. Just shut it.