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‘Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan

601. Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan

Aired July 13, 2007

Monk's biggest fan, Marci Maven (guest star Sarah Silverman), bids for him at a bachelor auction after her dog is implicated in a murder.

Quote from Marci Maven

Marci Maven: This is my favorite. It's from last summer. See, what I do is I read the articles about you and then I make dioramas of the various cases. This one is "Mr. Monk and the Three Pies."
Adrian Monk: What?!
Marci Maven: When you went to see your brother. That's what I call it.
Adrian Monk: Is that me?
Marci Maven: "Adrian, should we call the captain?" "Not yet, Marci. We need to gather more evidence. Natalie, get the car." "On my way, Mr. Monk."
Natalie: Is that me? It's a troll doll.
Marci Maven: Huh. "Marci, I can't imagine life without you." "Oh, Adrian, I've waited so long..."

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Quote from Marci Maven

Marci Maven: There must be another explanation.
Adrian Monk: Like what, Marci?
Marci Maven: Like, I don't know. I mean, you do it all the time. The police have a theory and they think it's cut and dry. And then you come in and you do your thing. And you get clues and you figure it out. You know, it's like "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut." Or "Mr. Monk Goes Back to School." Oh, remember that one?
Adrian Monk: No! Where are you getting these names?
Natalie: According to the forensic laboratory reports-
Marci Maven: Yeah, well, they're wrong. Okay. They can make mistakes. Maybe it was, uh, a frame-up.
Natalie: [chuckles] They framed your dog?
Marci Maven: [mock chuckle] Yeah, maybe they did frame my dog, Natalie. It's not totally unprecedented. What about "Mr. Monk and the Panic Room"? They tried to frame a monkey, didn't they? See, things aren't always as they seem.
Adrian Monk: That's true.

Quote from Marci Maven

Adrian Monk: Monogrammed wipe. [picks up tub] Plaster mold? Do not ingest. Marci, when Otto died, did you tell anyone?
Marci Maven: No.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Don't turn! Don't- Don't- Don't turn around. I think you were right. He's the guy. And I know how he did it.
Marci Maven: Oh, my gosh. Say, "Here's what happened."
Adrian Monk: He must've been planning this for weeks!
Marci Maven: Say, "Here's what happened"!

Quote from Marci Maven

Clerk: Can I help you?
Marci Maven: This is Adrian Monk. He's gonna be asking you some questions.
Clerk: What about?
Marci Maven: You'll find out. First, there are some ground rules. No coughing, no sneezing. You will not shake his hand. You will not make small talk. Do you understand? Lower that sleeve so it's even with the other one. He's very particular. [Marci centers the clerk's baseball cap] Yes.
Adrian Monk: Have you seen this dog?
Clerk: No.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.

Quote from Marci Maven

John Ringel: Where's your car, Marci?
Marci Maven: Out front.
John Ringel: I hope you have a full tank. We got a long trip ahead of us.
Adrian Monk: Listen. I have to sit in the front. It's one of my things.
Marci Maven: Yeah, he's got a million "things." I don't know what I was thinking.

Quote from Marci Maven

Marci Maven: Shoot him.
Adrian Monk: I don't have a gun.
Marci Maven: You did in "Mr. Monk and The Dragon's Lair."
Adrian Monk: The what?!
Marci Maven: Oh, wait. I made that one up. It's called "fan fiction."
John Ringel: I said shut up!

Quote from Marci Maven

Marci Maven: What is it?
Adrian Monk: It's chew marks. Look!
Marci Maven: Otto! You are amazing! What do you wanna call this case?
Adrian Monk: I don't know! Shut up.
Marci Maven: How about "Mr. Monk is Friggin' Awesome"? How about "Mr. Monk and Marci: The Adventure Begins"?
Adrian Monk: It doesn't matter. Nobody cares about the name. Just shut it.

Quote from Marci Maven

Marci Maven: "Dear fellow Monk-ophiles, as you can see, I have decided to redesign the homepage again! As the greatest detective in the universe would say; you'll thank me later. Love to all, Marci."

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: All right. How about this? You give me $600. When somebody bids on you, I'll bid against them. I'll outbid them.
Adrian Monk: You'll outbid them? That's a good plan. That's a great plan. How do I get my money back?
Natalie: No, you don't. It goes to charity.
Adrian Monk: Let's keep thinking.

Quote from Marci Maven

Marci Maven: Oh, I painted this for you two years ago for your birthday, but Judge Franklin wouldn't let me give it to you because of the restraining order. You know, fifty yards away and no contact. Jerk. Oh, please, make yourselves at home. Sit down. I'm sorry I'm babbling. I'm nervous, you know? I've just been imagining this for so long, you know? You, Adrian Monk. You're really here. [chuckles] Oh! So rude. Here we go. Summit Creek Water. It's his favorite.
Natalie: I know.
Marci Maven: Well, do you know what his favorite drink was last year? I do! Sierra Springs. Hmm. Ten ice cubes, of course. And some cookies, fresh from the oven.
Adrian Monk: They're square.
Marci Maven: [laughs] I knew you would appreciate that. Yeah, I've been baking all day and cleaning! I wanted everything to be perfect.

Quote from Marci Maven

Adrian Monk: Marci is this my glass?
Marci Maven: Not anymore. You threw it out, remember? And yes, this is your rug. And yes, that's your lamp. And yes, these are your pants. Don't worry. Not crazy, just a fan. You are amazing. But you know that, don't you?
Natalie: His pants?

Quote from Natalie

Marci Maven: They think I killed Otto?!
Adrian Monk: Well, that would explain quite a bit.
Natalie: Makes a lotta sense.
Marci Maven: No, I-I don't do that, okay? I don't kill things I love.
Natalie: Well, that's reassuring.

Quote from Natalie

Marci Maven: That's where they found her in the shed. He's doing it. That is so cool. I've got goose bumps. I really do. You wanna see?
Natalie: No, thank you.
Marci Maven: Bumpy. You have the best job in the world.
Natalie: Not today, I don't.
Marci Maven: Did you say something? 'Cause it sounded like you said something.

Quote from Marci Maven

Adrian Monk: Uh, I need a wipe, Natalie.
Marci Maven: Ooh, ooh, hold on! Right here. Here. Oh, no! Use mine. They're monogrammed. They're better. I- I did it myself.
Natalie: They're sanitary wipes. Doesn't that defeat the purpose?
Marci Maven: Adrian, she's ruing everything. I mean, who is she?
Natalie: I'm his assistant, okay? I been with him for three years.
Marci Maven: Well, I've known him even longer, okay?
Natalie: Here's a little news flash, Marci. Stalking someone and knowing someone two different things!

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: It's her! I get so flustered.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're not flustered. You're flattered. Who wouldn't be? She adores you. She knows everything about you. After all, you're only human.
Adrian Monk: There's no need for name-calling.
Natalie: You know what? On second thought, I think it's a great idea.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Natalie: I'm calling a cab. I'm going home.
Adrian Monk: What?!
Natalie: I'm glad that this happened, actually. That woman is as obsessive and compulsive as you are. I want you to see what it's like. Go ahead. Hang out with her, work with her. I'll call you tomorrow. We'll compare notes.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Shh. Here's what happened. John Ringel realized he could murder his wife and blame it on your dog. Nobody would ever question it. Everybody knew Otto was a little wild. [Marci squeals] Marci, what are you doing? There's no hugging during the "Here's what happened."
Marci Maven: Sorry, go on.
Adrian Monk: Just stand over there. That day Otto disappeared Ringel must've brought him here, drugged him, and made an impression of his teeth.
Marci Maven: Oh, poor Otto!
Adrian Monk: Then Ringel built a lethal weapon using the mold of Otto's teeth. It couldn't have been too hard. After all, he owns a lumber yard. He had all the equipment he needed. Then he waited. He was in no rush. One week, two weeks, until finally, she was alone. He knew the bite marks would match up perfectly. The cops everyone would assume it was your dog. It was a perfect crime, except for one thing. He had waited too long. He didn't know that Otto had died three days earlier. He was framing a dead dog!
Marci Maven: Wow. That is incredible!
Adrian Monk: Where did he go?
Marci Maven: Do it one more time for the website.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?! I'm not gonna say it again.
Marci Maven: You don't have to do the whole thing. Just say how you know how he killed his wife.
Adrian Monk: Marci, would you keep your voice down? He's gonna hear us.
John Ringel: Too late. I already heard you. Shut up and don't move.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: What is it?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it's it's from Marci. "Adrian, I'm sorry. I can't have your things in my house anymore. How would I ever explain them to Fff- Murray Abraham?"
Natalie: F. Murray Abraham. The actor.
Adrian Monk: May God have mercy on his soul.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: I'd already thrown this stuff out. [picks up troll doll] Oh, hey. Look. It's you.
Natalie: [holding Marci doll] "Oh, Adrian, I adore you. Aren't you amazing? I love everything you say and do."
Adrian Monk: All right. It wasn't like that.
Natalie: [holding Monk doll] "Thank you, Marci. I think you have excellent taste. You'd like to be my new assistant? You could follow me around and worship me all day."
Adrian Monk: Cut it out, will you?
Natalie: [holding Marci doll] "And let's seal the deal with a great big clue hug. Clue hug! Clue hug! Clue hug!"
Adrian Monk: Stop it.
Natalie: "Oh, I love you. I'm your biggest fan. I just want a little clue hug!"
Adrian Monk: Natalie, cut it out. I know it's you.
Natalie: "Clue hug, clue hug."

Quote from Marci Maven

First Cop: Are you Marci Maven? Do you own a dog named Otto?
John Ringel: You're damn right she does. That beast of yours killed my wife! I warned you about him!
First Cop: Mr. Ringel, please. We'll take care of this.
Marci Maven: What's going on?
Second Cop: There was an attack earlier today across the street.
Marci Maven: Oh, today? No, that wasn't Otto.
Second Cop: We're gonna have to take him in, ma'am. Where's the dog?
[Marci leads John Ringel and the two officers to her backyard]
Marci Maven: Yeah, I really don't think it was him.
[The camera pans down to a headstone for Otto in the freshly-dug ground]

Quote from Marci Maven

Natalie: Oh, hey, Marci.
Marci Maven: Oh, Natalie, hello. I need to speak with Adrian.
Natalie: Sorry. You just missed him he's, um... He's getting his hair cut.
Marci Maven: I know he's here. Okay, he left at 8:00. He came back 35 minutes later. And besides, he only gets his hair cut every first and third Tuesday of every month. He's behind the door. I can smell his shampoo. Pantene for dry hair. Listen, I really need to speak with him. It's important I'm in trouble!
Natalie: Yeah, that's what you said last year, Marci. You said it was a matter of life or death. And when he got in the car, you locked the door and tried to drive him to Corpus Christi.
Marci Maven: It was Thanksgiving!
Natalie: What does that have to do with anything?

Quote from Marci Maven

Marci Maven: Hello! Right on time, of course.
Natalie: It's okay. I'm right here.
Marci Maven: Come in, come in, come in.
Adrian Monk: No.
Marci Maven: [to Natalie] You can pick him up at 6:00.
Adrian Monk: No, no. She's with me. I can't do this alone.
Marci Maven: Well, Adrian, I... I bid on you. I mean, I don't think we need a chaperone. It'll be great.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, she's with me. I can't do this alone.
Marci Maven: Okay, fine good. The more the merrier I just I hope I made enough cookies.

Quote from Marci Maven

Marci Maven: You know what I love? I love how you solve cases. The way you move around and you look at things. And you see things no one else sees. I love that. I mean, you really are a great artist.
Adrian Monk: Well, a great artist... I don't know about that. I mean...
Natalie: [scoffs]
Marci Maven: Is there a problem?
Natalie: No, no, no. He's a great artist.

Quote from Marci Maven

Adrian Monk: Marci, are you a musician?
Marci Maven: Oh, ho, ho. You know I am! I've only sent you all my demos. I'm working on a song. Here. [sings] There's a man in California If you're ever in a funk He may not be F. Murray Abraham But I think he's a hunk And his name is... Adrian Adrian I said A... Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: Marci, on second thought, why don't you tell me about the case?

Quote from Marci Maven

Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. Can we start over? You had a dog. His name was Otto.
Marci Maven: Yep, that's right.
Adrian Monk: And Otto died last week?
Marci Maven: Monday, yeah. Well, I buried him Monday night.
Adrian Monk: So he's in the ground, dead. Dead, dead dog.
Marci Maven: And then three days later, on Thursday, the woman across the street was attacked?
Natalie: By- By a dog.
Marci Maven: Yeah, she was mauled. Isn't that the grossest word? "Mauled." "Mauled." I mean, Otto had snapped at her last year, but it wasn't a big deal. But of course, the cops naturally think that he did it. So they dug him up to compare the teeth marks.
Adrian Monk: And they matched.
Marci Maven: Yeah. Well, that's what they say. They're gonna return him tomorrow. I guess I'm gonna have to bury him again.

Quote from Marci Maven

Adrian Monk: So to recap, the dog dies on Monday, then three days later, kills your neighbor.
Marci Maven: Pretty freaky, huh?
Natalie: And the dog was definitely dead when you buried him.
Marci Maven: Yeah, the dog was definitely dead when I buried him. What do you think, I'm a nut?
Natalie: Uh...

Quote from Natalie

Marci Maven: Well, if you ever need an assistant...
Adrian Monk: Well, I have Natalie.
Marci Maven: Maybe it's time for a change.
Adrian Monk: Well, Natalie and I have been together for three and a half years. So I don't thi-
Marci Maven: I'll work for free.
Adrian Monk: [stops walking] [to Natalie] What?
Natalie: You're considering it?
Marci Maven: Well, you know free.
Natalie: So?
Adrian Monk: You wanna make a counter offer?
Natalie: Yeah, here's my counter offer. I'm not nuts!

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Linda Fusco: [bites into a cherry tomato] What is it? Leland, this is not very romantic. What are you looking at?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Bite marks.
Linda Fusco: Oh, I'm afraid to ask.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [grabs file] Look at the bite marks. That woman was attacked by a dog. Look at the bite marks.
Linda Fusco: No, thank you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: They're all upside down. Even the defensive ones. Um, I gotta make a phone call.

Quote from Marci Maven

Marci Maven: What is this? Is this blood?
Adrian Monk: Ssh. You've been shot.
Marci Maven: Oh, my God! I've been shot!
Adrian Monk: Ssh. It's okay. It's just a scratch.
Marci Maven: What am I doing here?
Adrian Monk: Shut up.
Marci Maven: This isn't fun anymore. Why did you bring me here?
Adrian Monk: I didn't bring you here!
Marci Maven: I don't wanna do this. I hate this. [waves white monogramed wipe] Excuse me pause. Pause, please. If we could just put a pause on this for a second. Uh, I wanna go home. And I know... But I am absolutely not gonna say anything about you killing your wife. It's no biggie. I mean, she was asking for it. I've seen her out there. I'm your neighbor. I've seen her in the garden with her flower pot going blah, blah, blah. My gardenias are awesome. So I'm just gonna go.
John Ringel: Yeah, I don't think so!
John Ringel: Monk! Come on out! I have your girlfriend!
Marci Maven: I'm not his girlfriend. I don't even like him anymore.


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