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‘Mr. Monk Is Underwater’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Is Underwater

705. Mr. Monk Is Underwater

Aired August 15, 2008

After an old navy friend of Mitch's comes to Natalie for help, she and Monk climb aboard a submarine.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Steven Albright: Sir, you don't have to hold your breath. There's plenty of air.
Adrian Monk: [exhales] How much time?
Steven Albright: 15 seconds.
Adrian Monk: I'm pretty sure he killed himself.
Natalie: How do you know?
Adrian Monk: I've been on board 15 seconds and I'm suicidal.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: It doesn't feel like a man-made boat or a submarine. It feels like a living thing. Like a beast. And I'm in- In the lungs or the stomach. It's like it's swallowed me whole. I feel like it's digesting me. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here.
Dr. Bell: [imaginary] Yes, it's quite fortuitous. I heard you were on a submarine, and I thought you could use my help. So I climbed on board just as the ship was going underwater.
Adrian Monk: Wow. What do we do now?
Dr. Bell: Well, we're gonna take it one day at a time. One hour at a time. We're gonna get through this together.
Adrian Monk: Hmm.
Dr. Bell: I've been observing you, Adrian. You're doing very well in spite of your condition. Your acute claustrophobia.
Adrian Monk: Well...
Dr. Bell: I'd even say you're being rather heroic.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] I have to be brave for Natalie's sake. She's just a girl. She's depending on me.
Dr. Bell: Well, she's lucky to have you.
Adrian Monk: That's true. What? Medal of honor? I think that's a bit premature, Dr. Bell.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: [imaginary] The important thing is to stay busy. Focus on the case, all right? Now, tell me about the crime scene.
Adrian Monk: Okay, well, the room was locked from the inside. Everybody's saying suicide, but it doesn't feel right. You know? I found this. Here.
Dr. Bell: Smells like gunpowder.
Adrian Monk: I noticed that too. Hey, we make a pretty good team.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Wait. Dr. Bell, he's right outside. Dr. Bell, open the hatch! Dr. Bell!
Natalie: Dr. Bell! What am I saying? Help, somebody, help!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Steven Albright: There was one other thing. I saw him the night before. We made plans to go to a Giants game while we were here. He seemed fine.
Adrian Monk: I assume there was an investigation.
Steven Albright: Yes, of course. NCIS ruled it a suicide. Mr. Monk, I know you're a busy man. We're only in port for one day. I wonder if you could come down to the boat and take a look around. I just I wanna know if I'm crazy.
Natalie: Well, of course we can. I'll get my purse.
Adrian Monk: Well, you mean now, today? I can't today.
Natalie: Why not?
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. It it's a boat, and I really don't do boats.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I've been on these boats. These boats are so big they don't even feel like boats. They're like islands. You've been on Islands before, right? You like Islands.
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: It's like Hawaii. Think of it like that. We're going to Hawaii.
Adrian Monk: I believe you are the devil.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Steven Albright: There she is.
Adrian Monk: My God! Where's the rest of her?
Steven Albright: That's it.
Adrian Monk: Is she sinking?
Steven Albright: No, sir. That's the USS Seattle. She's a class-four submarine. [Monk gasps] Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: Submarine? You said boat. You distinctly said boat. Natalie, you were there.
Steven Albright: We call her a boat.
Adrian Monk: It's not a boat, it's the opposite of a boat. Are you familiar with the word "float"?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, we're already here. How about this? Three minutes, we just go on board and look around. What could happen in 3 minutes?
Adrian Monk: Asphyxiation, cerebral hypoxia, gas embolism, epstein-barr.
Steven Albright: Mr. Monk, you know about this stuff than I do.
Adrian Monk: Why can't I do it from here? I'll just look in a window.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's a submarine. There are no windows.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Commander, sir?
Commander Nathan Whitaker: Yes.
Adrian Monk: You're obviously very busy turning knobs and up-periscoping. Why don't you just drop us off and we will be out of your hair. How about... Uh, right there, Seal Beach? Right there? We could take a taxi.
Natalie: No, actually, Fisherman's Wharf. It's a little bit closer. If it's not out of your way.
Adrian Monk: We could turn back around this way.
Commander Nathan Whitaker: We are not turning around for anything. This is a fleet-wide attack-submarine-warfare exercise. For all intents and purposes, this ship is at war. Do you understand that?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes, okay. I... Yes, I get... How much do you want? She'll pay 'cause her father is loaded. You've heard of Davenport toothpaste? That's the one with the girl who...
Commander Nathan Whitaker: I've finished talking. You are now the guests of the United States Navy until the completion of this exercise. Four, maybe five days.
Adrian Monk: D- Days? Comin' about! Blinker, blinker!
Commander Nathan Whitaker: What's he doing?
Adrian Monk: Comin' about! Blinker, blinker, blinker.
Commander Nathan Whitaker: That's the sonar. You're turning the sonar tower.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Okay, I didn't wanna bring this up, but I am a taxpayer and that means that you, sir, work for me, and I am ordering you to turn around and take us home! Okay, I'm not ordering, I'masking. Please, please, you don't know him. Sir, he can't handle this. Confined quarters like this underwater? He's gonna crack any second. I'm surprised he's even hanging on a little bit.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: [answers phone] This is Disher.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, Randy, it's me. Adrian Monk. I need you to I need you to research a possible murder victim.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, sure, what's the name?
Adrian Monk: Okay, he's a Lieutenant Commander. Jason Pierce. Talk to his family, see what they think. Maybe he kept a diary or some sort of log.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I'll get right on it. Where are you?
Adrian Monk: I'm on a submarine. The USS Seattle.
Lieutenant Disher: [chuckles] Yeah, seriously.
Adrian Monk: We're underwater. Periscope depth. Water temp, 46 degrees. Speed, 50 knots. Relative bearing two-five-niner.
Lieutenant Disher: You're on a submarine?
Adrian Monk: Roger that.
Lieutenant Disher: How you doin'?
Adrian Monk: Fine, I'm fine. I'd be going crazy if Dr. Bell wasn't here.
Lieutenant Disher: Dr Dr. Bell's there? How did he get on the submarine?
Adrian Monk: Well, hold on. Look, I'll let him tell you. He's right here. [to air] It's Disher. Yeah, I work with him.
Lieutenant Disher: [after a long silence] Monk?
Adrian Monk: I know, right?
Lieutenant Disher: Hey, Monk? Monk?
Adrian Monk: Can you believe it? That's a true story.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, uh-huh. Is there anyone else there I can talk to?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Steven Albright: A silencer.
Natalie: That would explain the gunpowder and the duct tape.
Steven Albright: Who would use a silencer to kill himself?
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, what are you saying? Are you saying Commander Whitaker?
Steven Albright: What about the locked door and the gunshot?
Adrian Monk: I don't know how he did it. I don't know why. But he's the guy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Petty Officer Kramer: Um, this is you. Sheets are clean.
Adrian Monk: Does it fold out?
Petty Officer Kramer: Nope, that's it.
Adrian Monk: ... Does it fold out?
Petty Officer Kramer: Uh, no, that's it.
Adrian Monk: ... Does it fold out?
Petty Officer Kramer: It's actually more comfortable than it looks.
Adrian Monk: It would almost have to be.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: We're diving!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, we have other things to worry about!
Natalie: Well, Mr. Monk, we must be in the ballast tank.
Adrian Monk: My God, it's the ocean! Natalie, it's the ocean! It's the Pacific Ocean!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Somebody help! We're in here!
Adrian Monk: Ocean in my shoes. Ocean Ocean in my shoes, Dr. Bell!
Natalie: Mr. Monk! It won't do us any good if we both panic.
Adrian Monk: You're right, you're right. We'll take turns. I'll go first. Oh, God! Natalie!
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: Ocean in my pants. Ocean in my pants.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Natalie, I don't know how to swim! I took some lessons once, but not actually in water.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I don't think swimming's gonna be a problem.
Adrian Monk: I'm not even sure I know how to drown.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: [imaginary] Adrian, I'm so proud of you. I'm- I'm just bursting. I mean, you came through like a champ. And under the worst possible circumstances.
Adrian Monk: [laughs] I couldn't have done it without you. I'll see you around, doc.
Lieutenant Disher: Wow, you really were on a submarine.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Lieutenant Disher: How was that?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it was kinda horrifying. I was scared to death every minute.
Lieutenant Disher: Same old, same old?
Adrian Monk: Pretty much.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: Adrian.
Adrian Monk: [turns around] How did you do that?
Dr. Bell: The lieutenant told me what happened. A submarine. I can hardly wait to hear the whole story. I thought we might drive back together.
Adrian Monk: But you were there.
Dr. Bell: Yes... Yes, it's true. I was there. But you could remind me of some of the details.
Adrian Monk: But it just happened. What, now it's like a blur to you?
Dr. Bell: Just a little hazy, but...
Adrian Monk: Wow, it's funny how the mind works.
Dr. Bell: Oh, yes it is. Let's get to the car.
Adrian Monk: You found a parking spot?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Steven Albright: I don't know how to begin. I've never actually spoken to a detective before.
Natalie: Well, you can speak to Mr. Monk the same way you speak to a normal person.
Steven Albright: A close friend of mine, Jason Pierce, died last week.
Natalie: I'm sorry.
Steven Albright: He was the XO The second in command on our boat. They said he committed suicide. They said he'd been drinking. They found a bottle of vodka in his cabin and there was alcohol in his blood.
Adrian Monk: But you don't believe it?
Steven Albright: No, sir, I don't. Jason had been sober for nine years. He had a physical three weeks ago, which I administered. I'm the ship's Medical Officer. There was no alcohol in his blood.
Adrian Monk: Well, people do have relapses. You know, they fall off the wagon.
Steven Albright: Not Jason. I don't believe it. [Monk's mini-vacuum whirrs]
Natalie: Sorry, go on.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Everybody's saluting. Maybe I should enlist.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk. Please don't enlist. Don't even joke about it.
Adrian Monk: Why not?
Natalie: Because I love America.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Steven Albright: Commander Whitaker called a surprise drill. The XO didn't report. Commander and I came down here to find him. When we got here, we heard a gunshot.
Adrian Monk: A gunshot from inside the room. The locked room.
Steven Albright: Yes, sir. Commander Whitaker kicked down the door. Jason was over there on the floor.
Adrian Monk: Where were the keys to the cabin?
Steven Albright: In his pocket.
Adrian Monk: And who else had a copy?
Steven Albright: No one.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Look, I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I really I really am. But I just I just don't see anything here that would suggest... Tweezers. Tweezers. [Natalie gets Monk's tweezers out of his own jacket pocket]
Natalie: What is that?
Adrian Monk: Plastic. Looks like it has some adhesive on it. Maybe from duct tape. Gunpowder.
Natalie: What does it mean?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Probably nothing.

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