Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm looking for Frankie.
Johnny: Who are you?
Frankie Marino: Johnny, it's okay. The captain and I are old friends.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Friends is a funny word. I'm looking for Charles Bach.
Frankie Marino: Bach?
Lieutenant Disher: The iceman. He's been on your payroll for ten years.
Frankie Marino: You wearing a wire, lieutenant?
[Disher removes his tie, unbuttons his shirt to reveal his bare chest, turns around and lifts his shirt up to show his lower back. He unbuttons his pants and drops them to his legs.]
Frankie Marino: How about you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Frankie Marino: Okay. Let's talk.
Lieutenant Disher: Why did I just get undressed?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Randy. Everyone in the room is wondering the same thing.

Lieutenant Disher: Mister Regis, Ray, Machine, do you have any enemies? Or have you received any threats lately?
Ray Regis: Not lately. Five years ago when I lost the title, it seemed like everybody wanted my head.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That was a tough night. I thought you had him in the fifth.
Ray Regis: Yeah. It wasn't my night.
Lieutenant Disher: It's a tough racket. I do a little boxing myself. Light middleweight.
Captain Stottlemeyer: When did you box?
Lieutenant Disher: Remember the benefit for the police athlete league? Took Sergeant Mulroney in nine rounds. TKO. Left uppercut.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Stan Mulroney? He retired 12 years ago. We called him "Pops."
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, that's right. He was older than me. He was experienced. Wiley.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He had a cane.
Lieutenant Disher: And he used it.

Lieutenant Disher: How'd it go?
Natalie: It went good. You know, it was our first day. So we're just warming up, but he's gonna do great.
Adrian Monk: Eh, I went about 30 yards.
Lieutenant Disher: Did you hit a wall?
Adrian Monk: I wish I had. It would have knocked me unconscious.

Dr. Bell: All right, what would you do? How would you pay the rent?
Adrian Monk: Welfare.
Dr. Bell: Welfare? That's your plan? What about Natalie? She's been depending on you. What would she do?
Adrian Monk: Welfare. We could be welfare buddies.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, quitting is a terrible habit. It's like a drug. Once you start, it's almost impossible to stop. I'm not even sure you're eligible for welfare. You have to meet certain criteria.
Adrian Monk: Do I have to run half a mile in four minutes?
Dr. Bell: No.
Adrian Monk: Then I'll be fine.

Ray Regis: Hello, Mr. Monk, it's time.
Adrian Monk: Ray? Are you all right?
Ray Regis: You wanted my help, remember. Quid pro quo!
Adrian Monk: Quid what what what?
Ray Regis: Pro quo! I owe you, brother. You gave me a second chance. Now I'm giving you one. You're gonna pass that physical next week. I guarantee it.
Adrian Monk: No, no. I didn't mean. Here's the thing. This is my first quid pro quo. I didn't know they started this early.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you for coming.
Natalie: Ah, you redecorating?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's stolen art. There's a rumor some guy in the city has been buying it all up. We're supposed to keep an eye out for it. Have a seat.
Natalie: Is that why you're calling us in?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I wish.

Captain Stottlemeyer: You used to be on the track team in high school, right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You still run?
Adrian Monk: Sometimes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How often?
Adrian Monk: Never.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's not very often.
Adrian Monk: No.

Natalie: What's going on?
Captain Stottlemeyer: There is a private detective in San Diego named Rafferty. He works with the homicide squad down there as a consultant. A couple of weeks ago, they were chasing down some creep and Rafferty had a heart attack. Creep gets away. Now Rafferty's suing the city, the city's suing Rafferty, it's a train wreck.
Adrian Monk: Okay. So what does this have to do with, you know, me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: This is from Sacramento. It is a statewide directive. Effective a week from Monday, any civilian crime scene field consultant must pass a mandatory fitness test.
Natalie: Fitness test?
Captain Stottlemeyer: The California Physical Agility Test. The candidate must run a half a mile in four minutes then climb ten flights of stairs, do 20 pull-ups, and then scale a six-foot high wall.
Adrian Monk: Or?
Captain Stottlemeyer: There is no "Or." There's no "Or" on this page, Monk. Either you pass this fitness test or you can't work here anymore.

Natalie: Where'd you get that suit?
Adrian Monk: Kevin Dorfman, it was a birthday gift. I never thought I'd get the chance to wear it. [Natalie laughs as Monk stretches] What's so funny? What's so funny?
Natalie: That girl over there, she's just doing a funny dance.
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Natalie: In the green sweater. She stopped now.
Adrian Monk: What kind of dance?
Natalie: I don't know. Like, a cowboy dance, a funny cowboy dance.
Adrian Monk: A Cowboy dance?
Natalie: Yeah, like... [dances]
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that's not a cowboy dance. That's more like a happy prospector.
Natalie: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Adrian Monk: Why was she dancing like a prospector?
Natalie: I don't know, Mr. Monk. She's from a ranch probably.n

Captain Stottlemeyer: Let's wait for Monk. He should be here in a minute.
CSI Tech: All right.
Ray Regis: Adrian Monk, the detective? He's supposed to be the best.
Lieutenant Disher: Best of the best. He's kinda like a superhero.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He's good, but I wouldn't call him a superhero.
[Monk stumbles through the door in his purple training outfit and stands with his hands on his hips]
Captain Stottlemeyer: I guess I stand corrected.
Louie Flynn: Looks like a big plum.