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‘Mr. Monk Takes a Punch’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Takes a Punch

704. Mr. Monk Takes a Punch

Aired August 8, 2008

As the SFPD investigates a bomb aimed at a boxer, Monk frets about having to pass a fitness exam.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm looking for Frankie.
Johnny: Who are you?
Frankie Marino: Johnny, it's okay. The captain and I are old friends.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Friends is a funny word. I'm looking for Charles Bach.
Frankie Marino: Bach?
Lieutenant Disher: The iceman. He's been on your payroll for ten years.
Frankie Marino: You wearing a wire, lieutenant?
[Disher removes his tie, unbuttons his shirt to reveal his bare chest, turns around and lifts his shirt up to show his lower back. He unbuttons his pants and drops them to his legs.]
Frankie Marino: How about you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Frankie Marino: Okay. Let's talk.
Lieutenant Disher: Why did I just get undressed?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Randy. Everyone in the room is wondering the same thing.

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Mister Regis, Ray, Machine, do you have any enemies? Or have you received any threats lately?
Ray Regis: Not lately. Five years ago when I lost the title, it seemed like everybody wanted my head.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That was a tough night. I thought you had him in the fifth.
Ray Regis: Yeah. It wasn't my night.
Lieutenant Disher: It's a tough racket. I do a little boxing myself. Light middleweight.
Captain Stottlemeyer: When did you box?
Lieutenant Disher: Remember the benefit for the police athlete league? Took Sergeant Mulroney in nine rounds. TKO. Left uppercut.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Stan Mulroney? He retired 12 years ago. We called him "Pops."
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, that's right. He was older than me. He was experienced. Wiley.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He had a cane.
Lieutenant Disher: And he used it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: How'd it go?
Natalie: It went good. You know, it was our first day. So we're just warming up, but he's gonna do great.
Adrian Monk: Eh, I went about 30 yards.
Lieutenant Disher: Did you hit a wall?
Adrian Monk: I wish I had. It would have knocked me unconscious.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: All right, what would you do? How would you pay the rent?
Adrian Monk: Welfare.
Dr. Bell: Welfare? That's your plan? What about Natalie? She's been depending on you. What would she do?
Adrian Monk: Welfare. We could be welfare buddies.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, quitting is a terrible habit. It's like a drug. Once you start, it's almost impossible to stop. I'm not even sure you're eligible for welfare. You have to meet certain criteria.
Adrian Monk: Do I have to run half a mile in four minutes?
Dr. Bell: No.
Adrian Monk: Then I'll be fine.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ray Regis: Hello, Mr. Monk, it's time.
Adrian Monk: Ray? Are you all right?
Ray Regis: You wanted my help, remember. Quid pro quo!
Adrian Monk: Quid what what what?
Ray Regis: Pro quo! I owe you, brother. You gave me a second chance. Now I'm giving you one. You're gonna pass that physical next week. I guarantee it.
Adrian Monk: No, no. I didn't mean. Here's the thing. This is my first quid pro quo. I didn't know they started this early.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you for coming.
Natalie: Ah, you redecorating?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's stolen art. There's a rumor some guy in the city has been buying it all up. We're supposed to keep an eye out for it. Have a seat.
Natalie: Is that why you're calling us in?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I wish.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: You used to be on the track team in high school, right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You still run?
Adrian Monk: Sometimes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How often?
Adrian Monk: Never.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's not very often.
Adrian Monk: No.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Natalie: What's going on?
Captain Stottlemeyer: There is a private detective in San Diego named Rafferty. He works with the homicide squad down there as a consultant. A couple of weeks ago, they were chasing down some creep and Rafferty had a heart attack. Creep gets away. Now Rafferty's suing the city, the city's suing Rafferty, it's a train wreck.
Adrian Monk: Okay. So what does this have to do with, you know, me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: This is from Sacramento. It is a statewide directive. Effective a week from Monday, any civilian crime scene field consultant must pass a mandatory fitness test.
Natalie: Fitness test?
Captain Stottlemeyer: The California Physical Agility Test. The candidate must run a half a mile in four minutes then climb ten flights of stairs, do 20 pull-ups, and then scale a six-foot high wall.
Adrian Monk: Or?
Captain Stottlemeyer: There is no "Or." There's no "Or" on this page, Monk. Either you pass this fitness test or you can't work here anymore.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Where'd you get that suit?
Adrian Monk: Kevin Dorfman, it was a birthday gift. I never thought I'd get the chance to wear it. [Natalie laughs as Monk stretches] What's so funny? What's so funny?
Natalie: That girl over there, she's just doing a funny dance.
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Natalie: In the green sweater. She stopped now.
Adrian Monk: What kind of dance?
Natalie: I don't know. Like, a cowboy dance, a funny cowboy dance.
Adrian Monk: A Cowboy dance?
Natalie: Yeah, like... [dances]
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that's not a cowboy dance. That's more like a happy prospector.
Natalie: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Adrian Monk: Why was she dancing like a prospector?
Natalie: I don't know, Mr. Monk. She's from a ranch probably.n

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Let's wait for Monk. He should be here in a minute.
CSI Tech: All right.
Ray Regis: Adrian Monk, the detective? He's supposed to be the best.
Lieutenant Disher: Best of the best. He's kinda like a superhero.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He's good, but I wouldn't call him a superhero.
[Monk stumbles through the door in his purple training outfit and stands with his hands on his hips]
Captain Stottlemeyer: I guess I stand corrected.
Louie Flynn: Looks like a big plum.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, Ray "The Machine" Regis. This is his manager, Louie Flynn.
Ray Regis: Mr. Monk, it's an honor. When I heard you were coming, I said to myself, okay, we're gonna be okay.
We're in good hands. 'cause this guy Monk will find Eddie's killer. He's like me. He's a fighter. He'll never give up.
Adrian Monk: This is my last case.
Captain Stottlemeyer: This is not your last case.
Adrian Monk: You weren't there.
Louie Flynn: He looks like a big, sad plum.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: A half mile in four minutes.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. That's part of it. And it can't be done.
Dr. Bell: Yeah, people do it every day.
Adrian Monk: Not people my age.
Dr. Bell: That's not true.
Adrian Monk: Not people my age with my body. I knew I was getting old, but when did I get too old?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: Well, Adrian, I think you're being a little too hard on yourself. I mean, you haven't run in what, 30 years?
Adrian Monk: [groans] It doesn't matter. I can't do it. Last night, I made a decision. I quit. It's over. I just- I'm giving up.
Dr. Bell: Just like that?
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
Dr. Bell: You're giving up being a detective?
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
Dr. Bell: And any chance you'll ever have of being reinstated? Adrian, we haven't known each other very long. But I'm a pretty good judge of character. And I know one thing for sure. You're no quitter.
Adrian Monk: Then how do you explain this? I quit.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: What is this?
Adrian Monk: Application.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, you're not going on welfare. If you go on welfare, I will shoot you.
Adrian Monk: Good. I'll get more money, won't I?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why? Because you're out of breath, your knees ache? So that's it, huh? After all these years, you're just gonna walk away. Give up. What would Trudy say? No, let me rephrase that. What is Trudy saying?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ray Regis: What's this?
Adrian Monk: You threw the fight, Ray. Five years ago, the title fight.
Ray Regis: [laughs] Come on, man. You hear stories all the time.
Adrian Monk: I had Natalie's daughter do some research for me, on the world wide internet computer web. Don't worry, I didn't tell her what it was for.
Ray Regis: What?
Adrian Monk: See? There's Louie Flynn. See? And there he is again. He's always wearing the same cross.
Ray Regis: Okay, so his. His mother gave him that cross. He said it was blessed by the Pope. And he has a habit. He tucks it under his shirt whenever he's lying. Here's the title fight. You see, he's tucked it away. Like he's ashamed of himself.
Ray Regis: That doesn't prove anything. Does it?
Adrian Monk: No, but this does. This is from what they call a website. It's from a Swiss medical journal. Right after the title fight, Louie's daughter flew to Geneva to have a series of experimental operations. Cost over $2 million. So where did he get all that money, Ray? 'cause your share of the purse wouldn't have covered it. You and Louie bet against yourselves. And then you threw the fight. Right?
Ray Regis: She was dying. This was her only chance. She was so young.
Adrian Monk: The mob must have lost a fortune on that fight. If I could figure this out, it's possible that they did too. And that's why they tried to kill you.
Ray Regis: This is all my fault. What happened to Eddie. I was just hoping this Friday if I won that I'd prove something. At least to myself. They won't let me fight now, right? So my life is over.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Maybe not. I still haven't told anyone about this, not even Natalie.
Ray Regis: Why not?
Adrian Monk: I thought about it. You've been punishing yourself for five years. Maybe that's punishment enough.
Ray Regis: Thank you, Mr. Monk. You're like an angel. If there's anything I can do for you...
Adrian Monk: Now that you mention it there is something.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ray Regis: Hey, it ain't early. It's 5:00 a.m. Took the whole day off. Told Louie I had to clear my head. You know, after everything that's happened. Drink up.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Ray Regis: Don't ask.
Adrian Monk: Okay, but what is it?
Ray Regis: It's called Go Juice. Louie invented it 20 years ago. It's got every juice and herb you can think of all mixed together. Makes you go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Adrian Monk: You're giving me a laxative?
Ray Regis: When I say go, I mean like the wind. Like the beast you were. And will be again. You're a beast. What are you?
Adrian Monk: [timidly] A beast.
Ray Regis: What are you?!
Adrian Monk: I'm a beast.
Ray Regis: Let's do this!

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Frankie, you've been known to hold a grudge.
Frankie Marino: Not this time. There was some talk on the street the fight might end prematurely. We moved some money around. Adjusted the odds. It was actually one of the biggest paydays we ever had. I got no beef with Ray Regis.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I am trying to save the kid's life.
Frankie Marino: I don't know very much. Somebody was shopping a contract. I don't know who, but it was serious. He wanted it done by the end of the month.
Captain Stottlemeyer: By the end of the month? The fight's on Friday. That's the 25th. Why by the end of the month?
Frankie Marino: Weird?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, weird.
Lieutenant Disher: Very weird.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Get dressed, Randy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: How did I do?
Ray Regis: You finished. That was the main thing. You ran that whole half mile.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but how long? How long?
Ray Regis: Adrian, it was just a test run. It don't really count.
Adrian Monk: Because it felt like five minutes, maybe maybe six. Between five and six.
Ray Regis: Well.
Adrian Monk: 27 minutes?! That's not possible. It's not- This thing is broken.
Ray Regis: Well, you kept rearranging the hurdles and touching everything. That stuff adds up.
Adrian Monk: I'll never do it.
Ray Regis: Hey. Never say never. Never say never. That's the worst swear word there is. You can do it and you will do it. The beast is in you. You'll do it when you have to do it. When it's crunch time, you will reach down, deep down, and you will find it. You're gonna find it. And hopefully, I will too.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: It was him or us. The sad thing is that we'll never know who hired him.
[flashback:]
Ray Regis: So I use Max deodorant.
[flashback:]
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, it's stolen art. There's a rumor some guy in the city's been buying it all up. We're supposed to keep an eye out for it.
[flashback:]
Man: [on video] Are you filming this!? Come on, get. Get out of here! Turn everything off right now and get the hell out of my house!
[flashback:]
Producer: This spot has to be on the air by September 1st.
[flashback:]
Captain Stottlemeyer: He is here because somebody wants Ray Regis dead by the end of the month.
[present:]
Adrian Monk: We got him.
Lieutenant Disher: We got who?
Adrian Monk: The guy who wanted Regis dead. Remember the art gallery you had on your wall?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: They're authentic. One was stolen nine years ago from a gallery in Madrid, and two are from a museum in Venice.
Adrian Monk: He was worried that somebody would see the artwork on TV and recognize it. But he knew that if Ray Regis were dead, they would never run the ad.
Natalie: So he hired that terrible, terrible man.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, nice collection, Daniel. Too bad none of it's yours.
Lieutenant Disher: You should just kept it all in your basement.
Daniel MacGraw: It's fine art, lieutenant.It's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So you didn't tell her it was stolen?
Daniel MacGraw: In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Get him outta here.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Guy went through a lot of trouble for nothing. I mean, nobody even watches commercials anymore.
Adrian Monk: Is that right? Natalie: It's called TiVo, Mr. Monk. People just zap right past it to get to the good stuff.
Adrian Monk: That makes sense.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ray Regis: Mr. M! how'd it go?
Adrian Monk: Oh, was there ever any doubt? I am the beast. I am the beast!
Natalie: He did everything. The wall, the pull-ups, the run. All under seven minutes. And that includes touching three mailboxes!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Louie Flynn: Looks like you got some competition, Ray.
Adrian Monk: Absolutely.
Ray Regis: I see.
Adrian Monk: Absolutely. You make have met your match, machine. Come on, let's do this. I ain't afraid of you.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, you are afraid. You're afraid of everything!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ray Regis: Hey, hey, I can't believe you're watching this again.
Producer: This is a busted take. We kept the camera rolling.
Adrian Monk: Who's that guy?
Ray Regis: He owns the house. That's his old lady.
Producer: She forgot to tell him we were going to shoot there. He came home, went postal. Kept shouting, threatening everybody.
Ray Regis: Yeah, I wouldn't want to go four rounds with him.


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