Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you for coming. We've got a very bizarre situation here. I could use a second opinion.
Lieutenant Disher: Third opinion.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I already told you what I thought, so this would be a third opinion.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Whatever. A third opinion.

Captain Stottlemeyer: They call it a panic room. I know that's a difficult concept, because for you, every room is a panic room.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.

Sharona: Oh, he's scared to death. [to the monkey] Come on, baby.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, don't touch him. Don't touch it. Don't... Now, you're going, you're going to have to be quarantined, and you will, too. You all will.

Lieutenant Disher: Monk, can I run a theory by you?
Adrian Monk: Sure.
Lieutenant Disher: Suicide by monkey.
Adrian Monk: Suicide by monkey?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, what if Ian Blackburn trained the chimp to shoot him in the panic room?
Adrian Monk: Why would he do that?
Lieutenant Disher: So his wife could collect on the insurance. Thus, suicide by monkey.
Sharona: Thus, theory by monkey.
Adrian Monk: Randy, Ian Blackburn had a $100,000 life insurance policy. Chloe is worth, what, $20 million? It doesn't seem worth it.
Lieutenant Disher: That's true.
Sharona: You keep thinking, butch.

Sharona: Benjy, I am so disappointed in you, and you were lucky you weren't expelled.
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh.
Benjy: What?
Adrian Monk: Oh, the band-aid is-
Benjy: It's okay. It doesn't have to be perfect. [Monk rips it off] Ow!
Adrian Monk: You'll heal faster if it's straighter.

Benjy: Mom, can you please do this?
Sharona: You don't want me near you, and it serves you right for fighting.
Benjy: I wasn't fighting. You said I should defend myself.
Sharona: You weren't defending yourself. You were defending that little boy, and you know it.
Benjy: His name is Reuben. Everyone was picking on him. They were giving him a wedgie.
Adrian Monk: What's a wedgie?
Benjy: It's when they lift your underwear all the way out of your pants.
Adrian Monk: Oh. When I was a kid, they called it something else.
Benjy: What?
Adrian Monk: An Adrian.

Sharona: Who's the victim?
Lieutenant Disher: Ian Blackburn. He's a major-league record producer, and he's worked with everybody. The Stones, Springsteen, The Eagles.
Sharona: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't he married to Chloe?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, yeah, they've been married for two years. He produces all of her stuff.
Captain Stottlemeyer: At least he did until 5:09 this morning.
Adrian Monk: Who's Chloe?
Sharona: Well, she's the most famous singer on the planet.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Chloe. Yeah, sure. She's great. I love that song she does about loving that guy, 'cause...

Chloe Blackburn: I already told the police everything I know.
Sharona: Well, we really appreciate your time. I, I'm a big fan.
Chloe Blackburn: And what about you?
Adrian Monk: Me, no. I haven't really listened to the pop rock 'n' roll since, uh...
Sharona: Ever.
Adrian Monk: That's about right. Ever. But I have heard of you.
Chloe Blackburn: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: And not just because the monkey killed your husband.

Sharona: I feel sorry for Reuben, too. I really do. But he's not your problem, and you should have gone to another teacher.
Benjy: Teachers don't do anything. He gets picked on every day. He's too little to fight back.
Sharona: Benjy, rules are rules. Now, you're punished, and there's no TV, and there's no PlayStation.
Benjy: Mom.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, he was just sticking up for a friend.
Sharona: Adrian, you stay out of it. You're not his father.
Adrian Monk: That's true, but I care about him as much as any father. [rips off Benjy's band-aid]
Benjy: Ow! Stop it!

Adrian Monk: That is strange.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's strange?
Adrian Monk: These footprints heading toward the house, you see the whole foot. He's walking.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So?
Adrian Monk: Look at these heading the other way. You see the whole foot. Still walking. If somebody tripped an alarm, especially a kid, you'd think they'd run away.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You might be right, but it doesn't matter, because whoever broke that glass never got into the house. He's not the killer.