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‘Mr. Monk and the Panic Room’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Panic Room

302. Mr. Monk and the Panic Room

Aired June 25, 2004

Monk investigates the death of a music producer whose body was found in a locked panic room with his pet monkey.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you for coming. We've got a very bizarre situation here. I could use a second opinion.
Lieutenant Disher: Third opinion.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I already told you what I thought, so this would be a third opinion.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Whatever. A third opinion.

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Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: They call it a panic room. I know that's a difficult concept, because for you, every room is a panic room.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Oh, he's scared to death. [to the monkey] Come on, baby.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, don't touch him. Don't touch it. Don't... Now, you're going, you're going to have to be quarantined, and you will, too. You all will.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Monk, can I run a theory by you?
Adrian Monk: Sure.
Lieutenant Disher: Suicide by monkey.
Adrian Monk: Suicide by monkey?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, what if Ian Blackburn trained the chimp to shoot him in the panic room?
Adrian Monk: Why would he do that?
Lieutenant Disher: So his wife could collect on the insurance. Thus, suicide by monkey.
Sharona: Thus, theory by monkey.
Adrian Monk: Randy, Ian Blackburn had a $100,000 life insurance policy. Chloe is worth, what, $20 million? It doesn't seem worth it.
Lieutenant Disher: That's true.
Sharona: You keep thinking, butch.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Benjy, I am so disappointed in you, and you were lucky you weren't expelled.
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh.
Benjy: What?
Adrian Monk: Oh, the band-aid is-
Benjy: It's okay. It doesn't have to be perfect. [Monk rips it off] Ow!
Adrian Monk: You'll heal faster if it's straighter.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Benjy: Mom, can you please do this?
Sharona: You don't want me near you, and it serves you right for fighting.
Benjy: I wasn't fighting. You said I should defend myself.
Sharona: You weren't defending yourself. You were defending that little boy, and you know it.
Benjy: His name is Reuben. Everyone was picking on him. They were giving him a wedgie.
Adrian Monk: What's a wedgie?
Benjy: It's when they lift your underwear all the way out of your pants.
Adrian Monk: Oh. When I was a kid, they called it something else.
Benjy: What?
Adrian Monk: An Adrian.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Who's the victim?
Lieutenant Disher: Ian Blackburn. He's a major-league record producer, and he's worked with everybody. The Stones, Springsteen, The Eagles.
Sharona: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't he married to Chloe?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, yeah, they've been married for two years. He produces all of her stuff.
Captain Stottlemeyer: At least he did until 5:09 this morning.
Adrian Monk: Who's Chloe?
Sharona: Well, she's the most famous singer on the planet.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Chloe. Yeah, sure. She's great. I love that song she does about loving that guy, 'cause...

Quote from Adrian Monk

Chloe Blackburn: I already told the police everything I know.
Sharona: Well, we really appreciate your time. I, I'm a big fan.
Chloe Blackburn: And what about you?
Adrian Monk: Me, no. I haven't really listened to the pop rock 'n' roll since, uh...
Sharona: Ever.
Adrian Monk: That's about right. Ever. But I have heard of you.
Chloe Blackburn: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: And not just because the monkey killed your husband.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: I feel sorry for Reuben, too. I really do. But he's not your problem, and you should have gone to another teacher.
Benjy: Teachers don't do anything. He gets picked on every day. He's too little to fight back.
Sharona: Benjy, rules are rules. Now, you're punished, and there's no TV, and there's no PlayStation.
Benjy: Mom.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, he was just sticking up for a friend.
Sharona: Adrian, you stay out of it. You're not his father.
Adrian Monk: That's true, but I care about him as much as any father. [rips off Benjy's band-aid]
Benjy: Ow! Stop it!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: That is strange.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's strange?
Adrian Monk: These footprints heading toward the house, you see the whole foot. He's walking.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So?
Adrian Monk: Look at these heading the other way. You see the whole foot. Still walking. If somebody tripped an alarm, especially a kid, you'd think they'd run away.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You might be right, but it doesn't matter, because whoever broke that glass never got into the house. He's not the killer.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: It's a monkey.
Lieutenant Disher: Actually, uh, he's a chimpanzee. His name's Darwin. He's 5 years old. He's been living with Mr. Blackburn since he was a baby. I mean a baby chimp. He was never a regular baby.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't understand. He's our suspect. He's the shooter.
Adrian Monk: I don't understand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That chimp was alone in a locked room with the victim. We found a gun in his hand.
Adrian Monk: [turns to Sharona] I don't understand.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Do you, do you hear that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: Listen. It's a pill dispenser.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah, she said that he was on antidepressants. Karen's got one of those. It's got a built-in alarm in it. It reminds her when to take the pills.
Adrian Monk: This one's set for 4:30 A.M., but you said the alarm went off at 5:09.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So why didn't he take his pills?
Adrian Monk: Why didn't he take his pills?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: So what do you think? I mean, am I missing anything? Because I, I want to be sure before I go on television and utter the words "killer monkey."

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Help! Somebody! Oh, my I'm trapped in here. I'm trapped in here!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, you're not trapped.
Adrian Monk: Captain!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, just push this button here on the wall.
Adrian Monk: It's sound proof. Can you hear me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I can hear you.
Adrian Monk: I'm trapped in here!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I can hear you. I can see you. There's a hole in the door. Monk.
Adrian Monk: I'm running out of air.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, you're not running out of air, Monk. Monk.
Adrian Monk: I'm running out of air!
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're not running out of air. There's a-
Adrian Monk: I can't breathe!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk. Monk!
Adrian Monk: I can't breathe!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, you can breathe. There's a hole in the door.
Adrian Monk: No more talking.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [to the security camera] Monk, look at me. Monk, push the button.
Adrian Monk: No more talking!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, look at me! Monk.
Adrian Monk: Help me! Got to conserve air.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, just push the button. Push, push, push the green button. Monk. The green button that says "open." No, the button here that says "open" by the door. Monk. [Stottlemeyer reaches in and hits the green button] That's a panic room.
Sharona: Adrian, are you all right?
Adrian Monk: I almost ran out of air.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, at least you didn't lose your head, and that's the important thing.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, they finally spelled my name right, the one time I wish they hadn't. I can't believe I let her talk me into this.
Adrian Monk: There are a few things that don't add up.
Lieutenant Disher: What? Footprints?
Adrian Monk: And the pill dispenser.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, there's always going to be a loose end or two. Lest we forget that the monkey and the victim were in a locked room alone.
Adrian Monk: There is that.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Look, I called the San francisco zoo, and they don't think a chimpanzee can fire a handgun.
Lieutenant Disher: Of course he can. If you can peel a banana, you can fire a gun.
Sharona: What, are you an expert now?
Lieutenant Disher: Are you?
Sharona: More than you.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, children, let's not fight in front of the monkey, okay? It's a legitimate question, and we're going to settle it once and for all right now. Lieutenant, give me that gun. Is it loaded?
Lieutenant Disher: No, sir. I emptied it myself.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good. Okay. I'm going downstairs with our suspect. I'm going to hand him a gun, and we'll see what happens.
Sharona: Great. I'm going with you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, Sharona, it's just me and Darwin. I'm trying to recreate the conditions in the panic room. I'm going to lock the door, and I'm not coming out until I'm satisfied. Let's go.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: You think you're pretty cute, don't you? Hey, get your fingers out of your ears. I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you. Are you laughing at me? I said, are you laughing at me. I think you've got an attitude problem, my friend. Okay, opposable thumbs. Whoop-de-doo. Here, pick it up. Here you go. What do you think of that?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Sharona, you were there. He fired the gun.
Sharona: Yeah, but he didn't aim it. He didn't hit anything. Look, in the panic room, Ian Blackburn was shot four times. Four shots, four hits. There is no way Darwin could have done that. There's no way.
Adrian Monk: Maybe you're right.
Sharona: Okay, now, are you saying that because you agree with me or because you're afraid of me?
Adrian Monk: I'm saying that because I'm afraid of you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Kurt Wolff: Hey, good choice. That's the Ultra4000. The strongest safe in the world. Hi, I'm Kurt Wolff. Welcome to Wolff Security.
Sharona: Oh, thank you, thank you. I'm, I'm Sharona, and this is Adrian monk.
Kurt Wolff: Hi, how are you? All right, well, what can I do for you guys today? We've got everything you'll need to sleep a little easier at night.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I doubt that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Kurt Wolff: Let's see, I design most of the stuff myself, like this necklace, for instance. Take a look. It shoots pepper spray. I custom-made it for a famous movie star.
Adrian Monk: Joey Heatherton?
Kurt Wolff: Um, I can't tell you who. All I can say is, uh, she's very beautiful.
Adrian Monk: Joey Heatherton.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Chloe Blackburn: Is that all?
Adrian Monk: Um...
Chloe Blackburn: I'm in mourning, Mr. Monk. I really need to be alone.
Adrian Monk: Of course. So then who was here last night?
Chloe Blackburn: Um, I had a friend over. We had some wine.
Adrian Monk: Well, champagne.
Sharona: Well, you're wearing a man's shirt.
Chloe Blackburn: It's my husband's.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Now do you believe me? She's sleeping around.
Adrian Monk: That's not a crime. In her world, it's standard operating procedure.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: What happened here? Did you have a party?
Sharona: Uh, it's Benjy. He never picks anything up.
Lieutenant Disher: Sharona, where's Darwin?
Sharona: What are you talking about?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're going to find him. Is he here?
Sharona: [to Disher] Hey, will you put that away? This is my house.
Lieutenant Disher: He's killed before.
Sharona: No, he hasn't.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sharona we know that you took him. Now, either you tell us where he is, or I'm going to have to take you in. That is the law.
Lieutenant Disher: [over radio] Living room secure. I'm heading to the kitchen.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to use the walkie-talkie. I'm 10 feet away.
Lieutenant Disher: Roger. Roger that.

Quote from Sharona

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, what happened here?
Sharona: Benjy threw up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: On the wall?
Sharona: It was pretty awful.

Quote from Sharona

Benjy: What are you doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Um, your mom bet Randy that she could get out of his handcuffs, and, uh, she couldn't, so, uh... Take them off. Take them off.
Sharona: Benjy, you were right.
Benjy: About what?
Sharona: About standing up for that little boy in school. You did the right thing. So now I'm standing up for somebody who can't protect himself.
Benjy: You mean Darwin?
Sharona: Yeah. Look, everything's going to be okay, all right? Captain Stottlemeyer's going to take you to aunt Gail's, and you tell her to call Adrian. He'll know what to do after I tell him.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hi. Remember me?
Sharona: Adrian, it's only been two hours. Come on. How's Benjy?
Adrian Monk: Oh, he's good. I just talked to him. Said he's very proud of you.
Sharona: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: [places hand in sticky substance on table] Oh. Oh. Wipe. Sharona, wipe.
Sharona: I don't have any wipes. I'm in jail.
Adrian Monk: Oh, what is it? Oh, my God, get it off me. Oh, God, get it off. It's jail goo. This is, this is jail goo.
Sharona: You know what? You know what? I put an extra wipe in your pocket. Give me, give me the wipe.
Adrian Monk: Oh, God. It's connected.
Sharona: Will you please relax? I'm in no mood.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Jail goo.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, are you all right?
Adrian Monk: Dr. Kroger, yes. Thank you for coming.
Dr. Kroger: Well, yeah, I usually don't make house calls, but you said that it couldn't wait.
Adrian Monk: Would you like some juice? There's an ape in my house. I have an ape in my house.
Dr. Kroger: Well, I've never, I've never been to your house before. Adrian, is, is that Darwin from the murder case? Well, uh, uh... Uh, maybe, maybe you should just call the police.
Adrian Monk: I can't do that. Sharona left him here. She, she's protecting him. She'd never forgive me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: Why don't we just leave him here and and we'll just go back to my office?
Adrian Monk: I can't do that, either. She expects me to take care of him.
Dr. Kroger: Well, you know, Adrian, I, I can see that, that your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm, I'm proud of you. How do, how do you feel?
Adrian Monk: I'm fine. These things happen. What can you do?
Dr. Kroger: Exactly, exactly. See, these are all just material objects. You know, you can always replace anything that he breaks or chews or pees on.
Adrian Monk: Chews or pees on. Chews or pees on.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Landlord: Where are you? Are you in here? Hey, Monk, did you put this up? You can't sell this house. You're renting.
Adrian Monk: I can't live here anymore.
Landlord: But it's not your house.
Adrian Monk: Chews or pees on.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: By the way, I found your monkey.
Sharona: Oh, God, I'm sorry about that. Look, I'll help you clean it up.
Adrian Monk: Nah, I'll be fine. I've got 17 maids in there working on it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: [all whisper] Shh! He's going to hear us. We're on a stakeout.
Sharona: Look, so, so what's going on? They let me out, but they didn't tell me anything.
Lieutenant Disher: You were right about the chimp. He wasn't involved at all.
Adrian Monk: You were right about Chloe, too. She had a lover. They were in on it together. They killed her husband.
Sharona: Now, are you sure?
Adrian Monk: There was a witness.
Lieutenant Disher: Your new boyfriend Darwin.
Adrian Monk: Actually, Darwin solved the case. Yesterday at my apartment, my landlord came in. Darwin went berserk. Then I remembered he acted the same way on Monday when he saw the animal control officer. The two men have something in common. They're both bald.
Sharona: Bald.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Darwin is afraid of bald men.
Adrian Monk: Why wouldn't he be? Ian Blackburn was killed by a bald man, and Darwin saw it happen.
Sharona: A bald man, the security guy. Kurt Wolff.
Adrian Monk: The man who built the panic room.
Lieutenant Disher: When he installed it, he built a secret crawl space. It goes from the basement to the panic room.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's a secret panel behind the furnace. We found it last night. Excuse me, would you stop pointing that in my face?
Adrian Monk: But you're talking.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You can hear me talking. You don't need to see me talking. You know it's me. Thank you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: So why?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Love and money, the oldest motive in the world. Chloe met Wolff when he was doing security for her, and they hooked up, as the kids would say.
Lieutenant Disher: The divorce would have cost her $10 million.
Sharona: So they were planning this for, like, a year?
Adrian Monk: Exactly. Kurt didn't build the panic room to protect Ian Blackburn. He built it to kill him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The plan was to make it look like a suicide.
Adrian Monk: It was a brilliant plan. That night Wolff snuck into the panic room. He set the test alarm button, so the alarm rang, but only inside the house. That's how he lured Ian into the panic room. The plan was for Ian to be found dead the next day in a locked room.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Everybody would think that he killed himself. There would be no other explanation.
Lieutenant Disher: It was a perfect plan.
Adrian Monk: Not quite perfect. They didn't count on one thing.
Sharona: Darwin.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Darwin must have grabbed for the gun, and there was a struggle.
Adrian Monk: Ian was shot four times, twice in the back.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Their suicide story wasn't going to fly.
Sharona: So he framed Darwin?
Adrian Monk: Well, it was a long shot, but what else could he do? Of course, now he had to explain what Ian was doing in the panic room, so as he left, he broke a window to make it look like a burglar had tried to get in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And that's how we found it. Broken window, killer monkey.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Man: Mr. Monk, he's trying to say something to you.
Adrian Monk: No, that's okay. We got to go. [Darwin licks Monk's face] No, no, no, no. Wipe. Wipe, wipe. God. Worse than jail goo.


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