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‘Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa

409. Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa

Aired December 2, 2005

A detective dies at the precinct's Christmas party after drinking a poisoned bottle sent to Captain Stottlemeyer.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Okay, everybody listen up. Okay? We have some new rules here in Santa's workshop. Before anybody can sit on Santa's lap, you have to use these magic wipes and wipe your hand. Yay, wiping is fun. And no touching Santa's face. And try not to breathe on Santa. Remember, Santa isn't always jolly. Sometimes Santa's a little bit sad.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Ugh, how much longer?
Adrian Monk: Natalie, this is stake-out. You never know how long. That's what makes a stake-out so much fun.
Natalie: Oh, you wanna play 20 questions?
Adrian Monk: Sure.
Natalie: Okay. Right, you can go first. You have to think of somebody, anybody, living or dead.
Adrian Monk: Okay, I got it.
Natalie: Is it Trudy?
Adrian Monk: Trudy who?
Natalie: Trudy Monk, your wife.
Adrian Monk: Yes, thank you. That was fun.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Hey. I was just tuning it up for you. It's a nice guitar.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's Karen's.
Lieutenant Disher: You're gonna play today?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We'll see how it goes.
Lieutenant Disher: You know, I can run home and grab my Gibson and we can jam. We used to have a rock band back in high school. The Randy Disher Project.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a good name. How'd you come up with that?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, my name's Randy Disher and then, Project.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Merry Christmas.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, you got me.
Adrian Monk: It's a... It's an air purifier for your house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you saying my house smells?
Adrian Monk: Not your house. But houses, like yours, sometimes get a, um, odor that's, you know, sour or very unpleasant kind of stench of... Not your house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, thank you. Thank you, Monk. [they fist bump]
Adrian Monk: Merry Christmas.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Merry Christmas to you. Do you, um, know what Ebay is?
Adrian Monk: Ebay, no.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Who are all these people? These folks have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas.
Natalie: Yeah? Which is what?
Adrian Monk: Which is leaving me alone.
Natalie: Well, I love it. I love everything about it. The crowd, the shopping, the decorations.
Adrian Monk: The fact that it's horrible doesn't bother you?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Boy: All I want for Christmas is a rock polishing kit.
Adrian Monk: Rock polishing kit? You're Santa's favorite.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What's your name?
Girl: Trudy. [Monk gets emotional] Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: It's just that... My wife's name was Trudy. She was killed by a car bomb. [The girl strokes Monk's beard] It was under the passenger seat. The whole car exploded. [sob] Okay, you're done. You're done, ho, ho. Let's go.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Who's that for?
Adrian Monk: This one's from Trudy. It's for me.
Natalie: From Trudy?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. After she died, I found it. Every Christmas I put it under the tree.
Julie Teeger: You never open it?
Adrian Monk: No.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Natalie: Oh, nice sweater.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, thanks. It's a gift from my Aunt Kay in Boston. She knitted it herself.
Natalie: Wow.
Lieutenant Disher: Mmm hmm. Yeah, she said it took her months. I'm her favorite nephew.
Natalie: I'm sure you are. I'll be right back, okay?
Lieutenant Disher: [to passing woman] Hey. Merry Christmas.
[Natalie returns with a man wearing the exact same sweater as Disher]
Natalie: You two cousins?
Lieutenant Disher: Where did you get that?
Man: Walmart. 15 bucks.
Lieutenant Disher: Aunt Kay probably went to Walmart and saw that sweater and went home and knitted me the same one. That sweater inspired this one.
Natalie: You can still see where she tore the tag off. It's the thought that counts.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Alice.
Alice: Hello, Adrian. Merry Christmas. I haven't seen you around lately.
Adrian Monk: I don't go out much during the holidays. It's so depressing. Because I'm alone. I don't have to tell you. I mean, you're not married, either? You don't have anyone.
Alice: That's true.
Adrian Monk: It's tough. Especially for people our age.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, you're wasting your time. I'm telling you it's Frank Prager.
Lieutenant Disher: All right. How about this? How about we split up into two teams? Your team gets Prager and my team will take the rest of the list. Okay. Let's see.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Lieutenant Disher: I'm picking my team. I'll take... I'll take Monk.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I'll take Monk.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. I'll take Natalie.
Natalie: Oh, I can't. Julie's waiting for me at home.
Lieutenant Disher: Fine. Um, I'll take...
Captain Stottlemeyer: You'll take Robins. Meet us back here at noon.
Lieutenant Disher: I'll take Robins.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian & Natalie: [sing] Silent night, holy night All is calm, all is bright Round yon virgin mother and Child
Adrian Monk: It's dripping.
Natalie: It's supposed to drip.
Adrian & Natalie: [sing] Holy Infant, so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly peace
Adrian Monk: Ouch.
Natalie: Merry Christmas.
Charlotte Prager: Yeah, we get carolers all the time. Usually, there's whole group.
Adrian Monk: Right.
Natalie: Yeah. We had a group.
Adrian Monk: We started with a big crowd. And then we had... But then we lost them somehow... And then dropped out.
Natalie: Yeah, they just left.
Charlotte Prager: What happened?
Adrian Monk: Creative differences.
Natalie: They really weren't comfortable with the religious material. Just wanted to do a whole... whole different thing. Other.
Adrian Monk: Like a Vegas style. We were not...
Natalie: No. Not into it.
Adrian Monk: But we wish them well.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Okay, this is from Mr. Monk.
Julie Teeger: You didn't have to get me anything. Thanks.
Adrian Monk: Don't tear.
Julie Teeger: A first aid kit.
Adrian Monk: That is the hot gift this year. It's the Cadillac of first aid kits. I'm talking about 100 feet of gauze, five different ointments, and a tourniquet. Now, that tourniquet...

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: We're gonna look at that later, because this is from both of us. Be careful, though, it's fragile.
Adrian Monk: Oh. [opens it to reveal a goldfish in a bowl] It's alive. It's a living thing. Is it gonna die?
Natalie: Well, not for a long, long, long time.
Adrian Monk: But it will die eventually.
Natalie: It's a friend. It's a little friend to keep you company.
Adrian Monk: A dying friend. Look. Look at it. It's just twitching. It's turning. Left, then it swims right. It's zigzagging. Can we train it?
Natalie: Yeah, we can train it. To swim clockwise.


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