Natalie: Okay, everybody listen up. Okay? We have some new rules here in Santa's workshop. Before anybody can sit on Santa's lap, you have to use these magic wipes and wipe your hand. Yay, wiping is fun. And no touching Santa's face. And try not to breathe on Santa. Remember, Santa isn't always jolly. Sometimes Santa's a little bit sad.

Natalie: Ugh, how much longer?
Adrian Monk: Natalie, this is stake-out. You never know how long. That's what makes a stake-out so much fun.
Natalie: Oh, you wanna play 20 questions?
Adrian Monk: Sure.
Natalie: Okay. Right, you can go first. You have to think of somebody, anybody, living or dead.
Adrian Monk: Okay, I got it.
Natalie: Is it Trudy?
Adrian Monk: Trudy who?
Natalie: Trudy Monk, your wife.
Adrian Monk: Yes, thank you. That was fun.

Lieutenant Disher: Hey. I was just tuning it up for you. It's a nice guitar.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's Karen's.
Lieutenant Disher: You're gonna play today?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We'll see how it goes.
Lieutenant Disher: You know, I can run home and grab my Gibson and we can jam. We used to have a rock band back in high school. The Randy Disher Project.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a good name. How'd you come up with that?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, my name's Randy Disher and then, Project.

Adrian Monk: Merry Christmas.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, you got me.
Adrian Monk: It's a... It's an air purifier for your house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you saying my house smells?
Adrian Monk: Not your house. But houses, like yours, sometimes get a, um, odor that's, you know, sour or very unpleasant kind of stench of... Not your house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, thank you. Thank you, Monk. [they fist bump]
Adrian Monk: Merry Christmas.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Merry Christmas to you. Do you, um, know what Ebay is?
Adrian Monk: Ebay, no.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good.

Adrian Monk: Who are all these people? These folks have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas.
Natalie: Yeah? Which is what?
Adrian Monk: Which is leaving me alone.
Natalie: Well, I love it. I love everything about it. The crowd, the shopping, the decorations.
Adrian Monk: The fact that it's horrible doesn't bother you?

Boy: All I want for Christmas is a rock polishing kit.
Adrian Monk: Rock polishing kit? You're Santa's favorite.

Adrian Monk: What's your name?
Girl: Trudy. [Monk gets emotional] Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: It's just that... My wife's name was Trudy. She was killed by a car bomb. [The girl strokes Monk's beard] It was under the passenger seat. The whole car exploded. [sob] Okay, you're done. You're done, ho, ho. Let's go.

Natalie: Who's that for?
Adrian Monk: This one's from Trudy. It's for me.
Natalie: From Trudy?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. After she died, I found it. Every Christmas I put it under the tree.
Julie Teeger: You never open it?
Adrian Monk: No.

Natalie: Oh, nice sweater.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, thanks. It's a gift from my Aunt Kay in Boston. She knitted it herself.
Natalie: Wow.
Lieutenant Disher: Mmm hmm. Yeah, she said it took her months. I'm her favorite nephew.
Natalie: I'm sure you are. I'll be right back, okay?
Lieutenant Disher: [to passing woman] Hey. Merry Christmas.
[Natalie returns with a man wearing the exact same sweater as Disher]
Natalie: You two cousins?
Lieutenant Disher: Where did you get that?
Man: Walmart. 15 bucks.
Lieutenant Disher: Aunt Kay probably went to Walmart and saw that sweater and went home and knitted me the same one. That sweater inspired this one.
Natalie: You can still see where she tore the tag off. It's the thought that counts.

Adrian Monk: Alice.
Alice: Hello, Adrian. Merry Christmas. I haven't seen you around lately.
Adrian Monk: I don't go out much during the holidays. It's so depressing. Because I'm alone. I don't have to tell you. I mean, you're not married, either? You don't have anyone.
Alice: That's true.
Adrian Monk: It's tough. Especially for people our age.