Kevin Dorfman: Oh, this is looking good.
Adrian Monk: You think so?
Kevin Dorfman: Oh, it's looking fantastic. A little more mayonnaise, a pinch of paprika. Maybe two pinches. Maybe three pinches.
Adrian Monk: Okay, that's perfect.
Kevin Dorfman: Maybe four pinches.
Adrian Monk: Okay, Kevin, I think that's enough. Thank you.
Kevin Dorfman: We are going to need some pepper, and I think I have some upstairs. Maybe I should bring all my seasonings down here if we're going to be cooking all week.
Adrian Monk: All week?
Kevin Dorfman: Here's something you might find interesting. This is only the eighth time in my life I have ever had egg salad.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Kevin Dorfman: And how much do you want to bet I can name all eight? The first time was in third grade. I traded sandwiches with a kid named Stuart Kramer. Then three years after that, my cousin's confirmation party. Two years after that, I was in a restaurant. I ordered tuna fish. Do you like to laugh?
Adrian Monk: No, I don't.
Kevin Dorfman: Well, get ready to, because I knew it was egg salad. I could smell it, but the waitress kept saying to me, "No, it's tuna fish." [phone rings] Phone. We're on number three. Remember where we are.

Kevin Dorfman: Wow. Wow. Is that your show? Because I love that show. Who comes up with all those questions?
Dwight Ellison: Well, we have a staff of writers.
Kevin Dorfman: 'Cause I'll tell you something, that is something I've always thought I would be good at. I'm always asking people questions, and a lot of the time, they are genuinely stumped.
Adrian Monk: That's true. We are.

Kevin Dorfman: Mr. E., here's your coffee. Sorry it took so long. I'm still not used to that kitchen. Careful. It's hot.
Dwight Ellison: Thank you, Kevin. Oh. There's something in there.
Kevin Dorfman: That's a raisin. Yeah, I put it in to sweeten the coffee. Little trick I picked up when I was waiting tables in Aspen, Colorado, which I did for two summers. Not two consecutive summers, 'cause there was a summer in between...
Dwight Ellison: Thank you, Kevin.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Kevin.

Dwight Ellison: So, Kevin, did I understand Adrian correctly? You won the lottery a couple years ago?
Kevin Dorfman: Yes, I did. That is accurate. And you're probably wondering what happened to all the money. That's a fair question. Here's a tip, if you're ever lucky enough to win the big jackpot, you should probably not make some of the mistakes I made. For one thing, Vegas, it's a good place to avoid. Secondly, if you're ever going to hire an accountant, you might want to make sure he's certified. And most importantly, never, under any circumstances, marry Lisa Abramowitz.
Dwight Ellison: [laughs] I'll try to remember that.
Kevin Dorfman: Or her sister Shelly.

Kevin Dorfman: Kevin Dorfman. I'm a big fan of yours, sir. A major fan.
Roddy Lankman: Okay, how you doing?
Kevin Dorfman: Look, I know we just met, Roddy, but I understand you have your own production company. Well, that's good, because I have an idea for a show, and if you're interested, we can produce it together.
Roddy Lankman: I really can't.
Kevin Dorfman: Okay. It's called "40 Winks." In a nutshell, three contestants, three beds. The first one who falls asleep wins.
Roddy Lankman: So we're watching people fall asleep?
Kevin Dorfman: Exactly. You snooze, you win.

Adrian Monk: Hello, Mr. Birch? Hello, it's Adrian Monk. We spoke yesterday at the show.
Kevin Dorfman: Mr. Birch? I'm here, too. Kevin Dorfman. I'm his upstairs neighbor. It looks unlocked? What do you think?
Adrian Monk: Well, we can't go in without a reason.
Kevin Dorfman: I'm kind of thirsty. Does that count?
Adrian Monk: No, Kevin. Thirst is no excuse for breaking and entering.
Kevin Dorfman: Wouldn't it be cool if it was?
Adrian Monk: Yes, that would be cool.

Kevin Dorfman: Here. Let me...
Adrian Monk: What are you doing? What are you doing?
Kevin Dorfman: I'm leaning in. Yeah, I went to law school for three semesters. You can lean anywhere you want. It's in the Constitution.
Adrian Monk: I can't imagine which constitution you're referring to.
Kevin Dorfman: You know what? Grab my pants.
Adrian Monk: Pardon me?
Kevin Dorfman: Grab my pants. I need the counterweight.
Adrian Monk: Kevin, I really don't want to grab your pants.
Kevin Dorfman: If I touch that floor, it's a felony.

Roddy Lankman: Is there anybody you'd like to say hello to?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Roddy Lankman: Okay, who would that be?
Adrian Monk: Sharona. She's in New Jersey visiting her mother.
Roddy Lankman: Oh, that's very nice. How long have you and Sharona been married?
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. Uh, Sharona is my nurse. I was married, but my wife Trudy was killed by a car bomb.
Producer: Did he just say "car bomb"?
Adrian Monk: Which is why I have devoted my life to putting criminals behind bars, even famous, powerful men who think they're above the law.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, I'm sure you do a great job, too.

Adrian Monk: [answers phone] Hello? Oh, Sharona. Sharona, how, how's your mom? Oh, good. Oh, thank God. Thank God for modern medicine. Not, not too good, actually. He's in the kitchen right now naming every egg salad sandwich he ever had. Eight, including today. It's not funny. Stop, stop laughing. Sharona, I don't, I don't know why you asked him to look in on me. I'm not a child. Please stop laughing. Okay, I'll call you back. Give her my best. Okay. And when you come back bring a gun. Okay, bye.

Adrian Monk: That was Sharona. She won't be coming back until Monday.
Kevin Dorfman: Monday. Wow. We are going to need some more food. Let's make a list. Okay. Bread, juice paprika, milk...
Adrian Monk: Ah!
Kevin Dorfman: No milk. Right. Crossing that off the list. Adding to the list, bok choy. [doorbell rings] Doorbell.