Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Mr. Monk and the Game Show’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Game Show

308. Mr. Monk and the Game Show

Aired August 13, 2004

Trudy's father, Dwight, asks Monk to investigate a contestant he believes is cheating on his game show.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: Oh, this is looking good.
Adrian Monk: You think so?
Kevin Dorfman: Oh, it's looking fantastic. A little more mayonnaise, a pinch of paprika. Maybe two pinches. Maybe three pinches.
Adrian Monk: Okay, that's perfect.
Kevin Dorfman: Maybe four pinches.
Adrian Monk: Okay, Kevin, I think that's enough. Thank you.
Kevin Dorfman: We are going to need some pepper, and I think I have some upstairs. Maybe I should bring all my seasonings down here if we're going to be cooking all week.
Adrian Monk: All week?
Kevin Dorfman: Here's something you might find interesting. This is only the eighth time in my life I have ever had egg salad.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Kevin Dorfman: And how much do you want to bet I can name all eight? The first time was in third grade. I traded sandwiches with a kid named Stuart Kramer. Then three years after that, my cousin's confirmation party. Two years after that, I was in a restaurant. I ordered tuna fish. Do you like to laugh?
Adrian Monk: No, I don't.
Kevin Dorfman: Well, get ready to, because I knew it was egg salad. I could smell it, but the waitress kept saying to me, "No, it's tuna fish." [phone rings] Phone. We're on number three. Remember where we are.

Rate

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: Wow. Wow. Is that your show? Because I love that show. Who comes up with all those questions?
Dwight Ellison: Well, we have a staff of writers.
Kevin Dorfman: 'Cause I'll tell you something, that is something I've always thought I would be good at. I'm always asking people questions, and a lot of the time, they are genuinely stumped.
Adrian Monk: That's true. We are.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: Mr. E., here's your coffee. Sorry it took so long. I'm still not used to that kitchen. Careful. It's hot.
Dwight Ellison: Thank you, Kevin. Oh. There's something in there.
Kevin Dorfman: That's a raisin. Yeah, I put it in to sweeten the coffee. Little trick I picked up when I was waiting tables in Aspen, Colorado, which I did for two summers. Not two consecutive summers, 'cause there was a summer in between...
Dwight Ellison: Thank you, Kevin.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Kevin.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Dwight Ellison: So, Kevin, did I understand Adrian correctly? You won the lottery a couple years ago?
Kevin Dorfman: Yes, I did. That is accurate. And you're probably wondering what happened to all the money. That's a fair question. Here's a tip, if you're ever lucky enough to win the big jackpot, you should probably not make some of the mistakes I made. For one thing, Vegas, it's a good place to avoid. Secondly, if you're ever going to hire an accountant, you might want to make sure he's certified. And most importantly, never, under any circumstances, marry Lisa Abramowitz.
Dwight Ellison: [laughs] I'll try to remember that.
Kevin Dorfman: Or her sister Shelly.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: Kevin Dorfman. I'm a big fan of yours, sir. A major fan.
Roddy Lankman: Okay, how you doing?
Kevin Dorfman: Look, I know we just met, Roddy, but I understand you have your own production company. Well, that's good, because I have an idea for a show, and if you're interested, we can produce it together.
Roddy Lankman: I really can't.
Kevin Dorfman: Okay. It's called "40 Winks." In a nutshell, three contestants, three beds. The first one who falls asleep wins.
Roddy Lankman: So we're watching people fall asleep?
Kevin Dorfman: Exactly. You snooze, you win.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Adrian Monk: Hello, Mr. Birch? Hello, it's Adrian Monk. We spoke yesterday at the show.
Kevin Dorfman: Mr. Birch? I'm here, too. Kevin Dorfman. I'm his upstairs neighbor. It looks unlocked? What do you think?
Adrian Monk: Well, we can't go in without a reason.
Kevin Dorfman: I'm kind of thirsty. Does that count?
Adrian Monk: No, Kevin. Thirst is no excuse for breaking and entering.
Kevin Dorfman: Wouldn't it be cool if it was?
Adrian Monk: Yes, that would be cool.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: Here. Let me...
Adrian Monk: What are you doing? What are you doing?
Kevin Dorfman: I'm leaning in. Yeah, I went to law school for three semesters. You can lean anywhere you want. It's in the Constitution.
Adrian Monk: I can't imagine which constitution you're referring to.
Kevin Dorfman: You know what? Grab my pants.
Adrian Monk: Pardon me?
Kevin Dorfman: Grab my pants. I need the counterweight.
Adrian Monk: Kevin, I really don't want to grab your pants.
Kevin Dorfman: If I touch that floor, it's a felony.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Roddy Lankman: Is there anybody you'd like to say hello to?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Roddy Lankman: Okay, who would that be?
Adrian Monk: Sharona. She's in New Jersey visiting her mother.
Roddy Lankman: Oh, that's very nice. How long have you and Sharona been married?
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. Uh, Sharona is my nurse. I was married, but my wife Trudy was killed by a car bomb.
Producer: Did he just say "car bomb"?
Adrian Monk: Which is why I have devoted my life to putting criminals behind bars, even famous, powerful men who think they're above the law.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, I'm sure you do a great job, too.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [answers phone] Hello? Oh, Sharona. Sharona, how, how's your mom? Oh, good. Oh, thank God. Thank God for modern medicine. Not, not too good, actually. He's in the kitchen right now naming every egg salad sandwich he ever had. Eight, including today. It's not funny. Stop, stop laughing. Sharona, I don't, I don't know why you asked him to look in on me. I'm not a child. Please stop laughing. Okay, I'll call you back. Give her my best. Okay. And when you come back bring a gun. Okay, bye.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: That was Sharona. She won't be coming back until Monday.
Kevin Dorfman: Monday. Wow. We are going to need some more food. Let's make a list. Okay. Bread, juice paprika, milk...
Adrian Monk: Ah!
Kevin Dorfman: No milk. Right. Crossing that off the list. Adding to the list, bok choy. [doorbell rings] Doorbell.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: Who is it?
Adrian Monk: It's Trudy's father. It's my father-in-law.
Kevin Dorfman: Yeah, he called this morning.
Adrian Monk: Why didn't you tell me?
Kevin Dorfman: I did. I wrote it on a Post-it note. We need more of those, by the way. We're out of them.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, happy birthday.
Dwight Ellison: Oh, thank you.
Adrian Monk: Did you get my card?
Dwight Ellison: Uh, yes, I did.
Adrian Monk: Did you look inside? 'Cause the punch line was on the inside.
Dwight Ellison: Yes, I did. It was very funny.
Adrian Monk: It was a pun.
Dwight Ellison: It was very funny. It's on my mantel. Everybody likes it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dwight Ellison: Val Birch. This is my old friend, Adrian Monk.
Val Birch: Adrian. Well, gym class must have been hell with a name like that.
Adrian Monk: Yes. Yes, it was. Thank you.
Val Birch: [to sound guy] Are you nearly done, or do you just like touching me?
Dwight Ellison: Adrian's here from San Francisco.
Val Birch: Oh, Frisco. God-awful town. I was there last year. It was foggy the whole week. When are they going to do something about all that fog?
Adrian Monk: Well, I, I don't know. I'll make some calls.
Val Birch: I couldn't see a damn thing, not even that, um... Uh, Golden Bridge they got.
Adrian Monk: The Golden Gate.
Val Birch: No, genius, the bridge.
Adrian Monk: Right. That's what they call it the Golden...

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Adrian Monk: What are you doing? What is that?
Kevin Dorfman: It's Roddy Lankman's pencil. Yeah, those are his teeth marks. This is what you call a collectible. You can look, but don't touch.
Adrian Monk: I don't want to touch it.
Kevin Dorfman: Yeah, right. Seriously, don't touch it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Roddy Lankman: The next question, for $1,500. Which Monarch is sometimes known as "the Tragic queen"? Was it A, Queen Elizabeth, B, Marie Antoinette, C, Catherine the Great...
Val Birch: [buzzes] B, Mary Ann Tonette.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, that is correct. Marie Antoinette.
Adrian Monk: [to Kevin] He mispronounced it.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Dwight Ellison: Oh, honey, this is Kevin Dorfman.
Marcia Ellison: Hello.
Kevin Dorfman: Kevin Dorfman. I live above Adrian. May I say what a lovely home you have here.
Marcia Ellison: Oh, thank you.
Kevin Dorfman: Spanish style, isn't it?
Marcia Ellison: Yes.
Kevin Dorfman: Yes, I thought so. I grew up in a house just like this, except the dining room was over on this side...

Quote from Adrian Monk

[flashback:]
Trudy: Hi, mom, dad. This is Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Mr. and Mrs. Ellison.
Dwight Ellison: It's Dwight and Marcia.
Marcia Ellison: I feel like we're old friends, the way Trudy talks about you. She's been sending us articles and newspaper stories.
Adrian Monk: You can believe about 40% of that stuff.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Marcia Ellison: It's still how she left it. Do you want to go in? There might be something you want to keep.
Adrian Monk: I can't.
Marcia Ellison: I know. It took me 2 and half years.
Adrian Monk: How did you do it, Marcia? How did you survive?
Marcia Ellison: I didn't think I would. I was buried alive.
Adrian Monk: Buried alive.
Marcia Ellison: And then one day, the sun came up. My garden was blooming. Kids were riding by the house on their bikes, and I decided to give the world a second chance. It's still a beautiful world, Adrian.

Quote from Adrian Monk

[flashback:]
Dwight Ellison: Adrian, I'm producing a new cop show in the fall. We're looking for a consultant to work with the writers, keep us honest. The position is yours if you want it.
Adrian Monk: Wow. Dwight, I don't know what to say.
Dwight Ellison: Why don't you say yes?
Trudy: Dad, that's really sweet, but Adrian would never quit his job. It's his life. Oh, you guys should see him. He is so brilliant.
Adrian Monk: Here we go.
Trudy: When he's at a crime scene, the other policemen, they just stand back and watch him work.
Adrian Monk: They watch me so they know what not to do.
Trudy: Oh, you are so modest. Besides, we love San Francisco. I really can't see us ever leaving.
Marcia Ellison: It's so far away.
Adrian Monk: Not the way Trudy drives.
Dwight Ellison: So you won't be moving back. Well, Adrian, you take care of my little girl. She's all we have.
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. I will.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: Hold the phone. I've got it.
Marcia Ellison: Got what?
Kevin Dorfman: How they're cheating on the show. It's a code. Roddy Lankman is blinking when he asks the questions. Like once for A, two for B. That's what he does.
Dwight Ellison: No, no, no, no. I thought about that. I've studied every frame from every show. It's impossible. He never blinks or gestures or changes his voice, at least that I could tell.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What accident?
Dwight Ellison: Last month, his personal assistant, a girl named Lizzie Talvo, was killed. Her car went off the road in Bluestone Valley. Roddy took it pretty hard.
Adrian Monk: Bluestone Valley? Val Birch goes fishing in Bluestone Valley. They mentioned it on the show when they introduced him. Val Birch fishes where the girl was killed. He fishes where the girl was killed.
Kevin Dorfman: That's probably important. Did you notice he said it twice?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Kevin Dorfman: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm fine.
Kevin Dorfman: Why are you making that face?
Adrian Monk: We're in rugged terrain. This is my rugged terrain face.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: He ordered a new Mercedes-Benz four weeks ago.
Kevin Dorfman: Before he went on the show.
Adrian Monk: That's what I call confidence. He knew he was going to win. If we can figure out how they're cheating, we can nail them both. I have to get closer.
Kevin Dorfman: Closer? Yesterday we were in the front row. You can't get much closer than that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Roddy Lankman: All right, Tanya, let's get this game started. We're going to start out with a $1,000 question. Where... [buzzer] Adrian.
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. Um, there was a smudge on my buzzer thing.
Roddy Lankman: Well, I'm sorry, but according to our rule book, you'll have to answer the question.
Adrian Monk: Could you repeat the question, please?
Roddy Lankman: Yes, but unfortunately, only the part that you've already heard, so... "Where?"
Adrian Monk: Where? Where? Once more, please.
Roddy Lankman: Where?
Adrian Monk: Where.
Roddy Lankman: You have 10 seconds.
Adrian Monk: Constantinople.
Roddy Lankman: Well, we're a multiple choice show, so all we need is A, B, C, or D.
Adrian Monk: D.
Roddy Lankman: D?
Adrian Monk: No, B.
Roddy Lankman: B.
Adrian Monk: B. B. Definitely B.
Roddy Lankman: B, and that's your final answer.
Adrian Monk: A.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, well, the correct answer is C, Macy's.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dwight Ellison: So you figured it out?
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. I know how they're cheating.
Kevin Dorfman: Was I right about the blinking?
Adrian Monk: No.
Kevin Dorfman: Was I close?
Adrian Monk: No. But it is a code. Lankman is holding the question cards differently every time. If he holds it by this corner, it means the answer is A. This corner means B, and this one's for C.
Kevin Dorfman: What do we do now?
Dwight Ellison: I guess we call the police.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Dwight Dwight! When did Lizzie Talvo die? What was the date?
Dwight Ellison: May 2nd.
Adrian Monk: May 2nd. About what time?
Dwight Ellison: Evening, while the show was on.
Adrian Monk: Around 7:39 P.M.?
Dwight Ellison: That sounds about right.
Adrian Monk: Don't call the police. Not yet. These men are guilty of more than just cheating, and I think I can prove it.
Dwight Ellison: You're going to prove it now?
Adrian Monk: If I don't do it now, they might destroy the evidence.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Roddy Lankman: Welcome back to "Treasure Chest." My name is Roddy Lankman, and our reigning champ Val birch is in the lead again with $3,000. In second place, Susan with zero, and, Adrian, you're at negative $1,000.
Adrian Monk: Well, Roddy, I think my luck is about to change.
Roddy Lankman: Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's do round two and dig for treasure. For $4,000, the bone that connects your knee to your ankle is the A, fibula, B, tibia
Adrian Monk: [buzzes] B, tibia.
Roddy Lankman: That is correct. Next question. How many square yards in an acre? Is...
Val Birch: C.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, C is correct. It's 4,840 square yards.
Val Birch: Lucky guess.
Roddy Lankman: A lucky guess indeed. For $5,000...
Adrian Monk: D.
Roddy Lankman: D is correct. Another lucky guess.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Roddy Lankman: You know how we play our game. You have five questions. Let's see how you do. Adrian, who was the first president to win the Nobel Peace Prize?
Adrian Monk: Roddy, I understand I can phone a friend.
Roddy Lankman: You want to phone a friend on the first question. Well, you're the boss. Tanya, let's bring him the phone. For those joining us for the first time, Adrian is going to call a friend to see if he can get a little help on this very important bonus round question. All right, who would you like to call?
Adrian Monk: Well, Roddy, I would like to call... him.
Val Birch: Me? You want to call me? I don't think I'm at home.
Roddy Lankman: Well, Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
Kevin Dorfman: [to Dwight Ellison] Do you know what he's doing? Because I don't know what he's doing.
Adrian Monk: I'm trying to prove that you are guilty of murder, Mr. Lankman, or at the very least, manslaughter. Lizzie Talvo, your personal assistant, discovered that you were cheating on the show.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, can we go to a commercial?
Dwight Ellison: [to the producer] You do and you're fired.
Adrian Monk: She died about a month ago in a car crash, and this man has been blackmailing you ever since, and you have been paying him off, here on your show, by feeding him the answers.
Susan: I knew it. Do over.
Adrian Monk: Mr. Birch, you were in Bluestone Valley the night she died. You must have seen the crash. She was still alive when you got to the car. She had to have said something to you before she died. Something about Mr. Lankman. You must have realized you just hit the jackpot. You called your own answering machine and recorded her dying words.
Val Birch: You can't prove any of this.
Adrian Monk: I was at your house yesterday, and I happened to hear the date and time stamp of a phone message that you had saved May 2nd, 7:39 P.M. I think I can prove it, sir. What's your number?
Dwight Ellison: [over P.A.] Adrian, it's 555-0137.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Dwight. [dials]
Val Birch: Hi, this is your old pal Val. Leave your message when you hear the beep. [Adrian enters the code] 4..8.
Male Voice: You have one saved message. May 2nd, 7:39 P.M. It was Roddy. It was Roddy Lankman. He was cheating on the show. I was going to blow the whistle. He cut my brakes. Roddy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dwight Ellison: Adrian. You were amazing. Just like Trudy always said. Thank you for this.
Adrian Monk: Thank you for Trudy.


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode