Lieutenant Disher: Captain. Washington just sent this down. It's a prelim psych profile.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let me guess. The killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military and definitely hates his mother.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah. How'd you know?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Because that's what they always say. That's scrap paper.

Captain Stottlemeyer: [to Monk] What happened to your hands? You hurt both of your hands?
Sharona: No, just the left one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why do you have bandages on both? [off Monk's look] Right. Symmetry.

Mrs. Ling: Mr. Monk, I tell you before. Do not ring the bell. [Monk rings the bell again] Stop that!
Adrian Monk: It's 10:00, Mrs. Ling.The ticket says, "Tuesday, 10 a.m."
Mrs. Ling: It's an approximation, Mr. Monk. It means "about 10:00." Not at 10:00, you crazy man. What's wrong with you? Okay, give me your ticket. Ah, Mr. Monk, I told you before, no copies. Where's the original ticket?
Adrian Monk: It's safe at home in my file.
Mrs. Ling: What do you need a file for? This is dry cleaning ticket! [Monk rings the bell] Stop that. [to Sharona] Why you let him xerox?
Sharona: I'm not with him every minute.
Mrs. Ling: Oh, okay. Here you go. Four shirts, okay? That's $24.
[Mrs. Ling points to the price list which reads "Shirts Men: $3.00 Women: $4.00 Mr. Monk $6.00"]
Adrian Monk: Why do I pay more?
Mrs. Ling: Because you're so much trouble, okay. I got to clean everything twice. Then I got to stand here and talk to you for like half an hour. Okay, good. Thank you. Bye-bye, now.

Adrian Monk: What's this?
Mrs. Ling: Oh, that? Th-That's nothing. Okay, bye-bye, now. Bye-bye.
Sharona: Go. Let's go.
Adrian Monk: This isn't my button.
Mrs. Ling: Your button fall off. But I found a new one. Identical, no difference.
Sharona: Looks the same to me.
Adrian Monk: The button matches, but the stitching is all different. See? O-On the other ones, the thread is crisscrossed. But here, look. It's parallel!
Mrs. Ling: That's how I sew them. Parallel! That's my style.
Adrian Monk: But it doesn't match. I have to live in this town!

Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, I was thinking, um, maybe we could get together, do a double date kind of thing. Me and Karen, you and Kenny? I've always liked Kenny. Kenny, he's... He's a good guy. He's good people.
Sharona: You called him a weasel.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I didn't.
Sharona: Yeah, you did, three weeks ago.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I never said "weasel." I said he was a... a w. Oh, yeah, I said "weasel." I called him a weasel. But then, you see, l... That's not a bad thing. I had a weasel. A weasel is a noble animal, all right. It's It's a term of endearment. Jerry! Hey, how you doing, you weasel? Good to see you. See, I call everybody a weasel.

Adrian Monk: Can I tell you something?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, that's why we're here.
Adrian Monk: The last few days, I find myself thinking that if Kenny Shale is elected and Sharona is still with him, maybe she could...
Dr. Kroger: She could help to get you reinstated to the department.
Adrian Monk: I'm as bad as any of them.
Dr. Kroger: Oh, Adrian, no, no, no. You see, there's nothing wrong with being ambitious. It just means that you're human.
Adrian Monk: Human. It's been a long time since anybody's called me that.

Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, everybody, listen up! Listen up! We're not gonna find him flailing around in the dark. Let's communicate, keep each other briefed. We're going Dumpster diving. We're gonna... What are you doing? What is that?
Lieutenant Disher: I'm leaving a space for the next victim.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take that down. Take it down. There is no next victim. We're stopping the son of a bitch at 10.

Sharona: Adrian, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: The odometer's 9999. I'm trying to get it to zero.
Kenny Shale: Why?
Adrian Monk: So... then it'll be at zero.

Lieutenant Disher: Captain! You ready for this? ...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, you could be halfway through your first sentence now.
Lieutenant Disher: We just picked up Juror Number 12 at a casino in Wallenpaupack. He gambles a lot. He's always in debt. He did it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What? He confessed?
Lieutenant Disher: No, he lawyered up. He's not saying a thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: But you think he's the guy?
Lieutenant Disher: He tried to bolt when we picked him up. The guy put up a hell of a fight. And, are you ready for this? ...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, Randy, we're ready! You don't have to ask. You never have to ask.

Adrian Monk: [over speaker] Number 5, could you slide a little to your right. A little more. Thank you. Number 1, you have some lint on your jumpsuit. Number 2, could you help number one?
Sharona: Adrian. Do you see the guy from last night?
Adrian Monk: Number 3, could you trade places with Number 2?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Number 3, stay where you are. [to Monk] Monk, do you see the guy or not? Listen to me. This is very important for you. It's very important for everybody. So, for the record, before you say anything, please count to the number four.
Adrian Monk: Number 4, could you step forward? Could you straighten that number?