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‘Mr. Monk Goes Home Again’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes Home Again

402. Mr. Monk Goes Home Again

Aired July 15, 2005

Monk visits his brother on Halloween when Ambrose (guest star John Turturro) calls to say their father is coming home. Meanwhile, Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher investigate the murder of an armored car driver in a supermarket parking lot.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Ambrose Monk: Okay. Are you and Natalie...
Adrian Monk: What?
Ambrose Monk: Involved?
Adrian Monk: What? No. No. No. No. Why, why would you even ask me that?
Ambrose Monk: Well, it's been eight years since Trudy.
Adrian Monk: Exactly! It's only been eight years.
Ambrose Monk: You're a widower. She's a widow. And I know how you are with the ladies. I remember, in high school, those girls calling you on the phone, talking to you on the phone, complimenting you, huh?
Adrian Monk: Ambrose. Ambrose, those were my teachers.
Ambrose Monk: So? What about Mrs. Flagan? Yeah?

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Halloween. Am I right? Something nasty always goes down on Halloween.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really? What went down last Halloween?
Lieutenant Disher: Nothing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The one before that?
Lieutenant Disher: It's a new tradition. Halloween.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Ambrose Monk: What are you doing? You- You can't go in there. You cannot go in there.
Julie Teeger: I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Natalie: What's going on?
Ambrose Monk: That, that is, that's Dad's study. We're, we're, we're not allowed in there.
Natalie: Not allowed?
Ambrose Monk: Yes. Dad caught me in there once when I was 12.
Natalie: What happened, Ambrose?
Ambrose Monk: He grounded me.
Julie Teeger: For 30 years?

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: See? You can trick-or-treat here. I'll go with you.
Julie Teeger: Oh, fun. Trick-or-treating with your mom.
Natalie: [to Monk] She's at that impossible age, between 11 and 25.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Adrian Monk: Are you trick-or-treating?
Adrian Monk: No. No. This is Natalie, my new assistant. You spoke on the phone.
Ambrose Monk: Enchanter de vous rencontrer. I'm Ambrose Monk, Adrian's brother. Ambrose Monk.
Natalie: Yes, I know. Very nice to meet you, Ambrose.
Ambrose Monk: Yes.
Natalie: Uh this is my daughter, Julie.
Ambrose Monk: I like your costume. You're, you're a cardiologist.
Julie Teeger: I'm a doctor.
Ambrose Monk: No, you're a cardiologist. You see, that stethoscope has a built-in concave amplifier. It's called a stethron. Cardiologists use it to listen for heart murmurs.
Julie Teeger: Guess I'm a cardiologist.
Ambrose Monk: It's all right. I made a mistake once.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Kids: Trick-or-treat!
Ambrose Monk: Wait. Wait. Not yet. Trick-or-treat. I've accepted your terms, which means we now have an implied contract. By accepting this treat, you are in effect promising to refrain from committing any tricks against me or this property now or in the future. Are there any questions?
Boy: Yeah. Do you have any peanut chews?
Ambrose Monk: There's only what's in the bowl. Now, one per customer, all right?

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Lieutenant Disher: The man who attacked you was 5 feet tall.
Ambrose Monk: That's right.
Lieutenant Disher: And he wore a green mask with a bolt through the neck. Did he say anything?
Adrian Monk: He said, "Grr."
Ambrose Monk: No, no, no, no. It was... [growls]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Write down Frankenstein.
Ambrose Monk: No, it wasn't Frankenstein. It was Frankenstein's monster. Frankenstein is the name of the scientist who created the monster.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It doesn't really matter.
Ambrose Monk: Captain, you can't just say Frankenstein, it'll confuse everybody.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, write down Frankenstein's monster.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Ambrose Monk: What are you doing, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, I'm just-
Ambrose Monk: Sorry, you can't take that. I don't have any extra.
Adrian Monk: It's just candy.
Ambrose Monk: I know how much I need. Every year, I have it down to a science based on current weather conditions, recent census data, and the demand from previous Halloweens. Last year, I ended up with just one extra candy bar. [takes candy bar from Disher]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, Ambrose, that's, um... That's very... I don't know what the hell that is. Come on, Lieutenant, I'll buy you a snickers bar.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: And you've never seen this guy before? In the store? Hanging around the parking lot?
Cashier: I don't think so. But I see a lot of faces.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lieutenant Disher: It looks like Kiefer Sutherland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I guess it does.
Lieutenant Disher: It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it?
Cashier: No, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, here's a receipt. This is from your cash register. This is him, right? Eight items at 89 cents.
Cashier: Yes, sir. Eight candy bars.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Eight candy bars?
Lieutenant Disher: It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland. You know, maybe we should, before we distribute it, write across the bottom, "Not Kiefer Sutherland" just so that we don't disturb Mr. Sutherland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a really good idea.
Lieutenant Disher: You think so?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, I know this store. It used to be called McCabes. I grew up four blocks away. After school, all the kids would hang out right here in the parking lot, drinking sodas and listening to music.
Natalie: That sounds like fun.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. It was a lot of fun. I used to stand over there across the street. I had a perfect view. Good times. Good times.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Why did he leave just like that?
Adrian Monk: It was my fault. I drove him crazy.
Natalie: He said that?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: Then how do you know?
Adrian Monk: I... I know. I... I just know.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you can't blame yourself.
Adrian Monk: You wanna bet?

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Julie Teeger: Wow. This is spooky. Do you do this every year for Halloween?
Ambrose Monk: Do what?
Julie Teeger: Um, nothing.
Natalie: All these instruction manuals.
Adrian Monk: Yes, Ambrose wrote them. That's what he does.
Natalie: Wow, Ambrose, you must be pretty handy around the house.
Julie Teeger: Yeah, you should've been there when we were putting together my Malibu Jenny bungalow. It took my mom five hours.
Ambrose Monk: I'm not surprised. Mike Gordon wrote that one. He's a hack. The man can't tell the difference between a 3/4 inch retaining screw and a half inch lag bolt. I'm not kidding. He actually made that mistake. Still can't believe he won the Niz-em-ew award.
Adrian Monk: Niz-em what?
Ambrose Monk: National Society of Instruction Manual Writers.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Right. I've won five of them.
Julie Teeger: Can we see one?
Ambrose Monk: No. They're not here. They won't mail them.
Natalie: Well, at least you won them. That's the important thing.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Natalie: Oh, I found some pictures. I hope you don't mind.
Ambrose Monk: No, no.
Natalie: Is that your father?
Ambrose Monk: Oh, that's him and Ambrose.
Natalie: He named the turtle after you?
Ambrose Monk: He named me after the turtle.
Natalie: Oh, Ambrose.
Natalie: Oh, I like this one. You look so happy.
Ambrose Monk: Mom was worried about us because we never laughed. So she made us practice. That's us practicing. So now I can laugh. [chuckles] If I have to.


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