Ambrose Monk: Okay. Are you and Natalie...
Adrian Monk: What?
Ambrose Monk: Involved?
Adrian Monk: What? No. No. No. No. Why, why would you even ask me that?
Ambrose Monk: Well, it's been eight years since Trudy.
Adrian Monk: Exactly! It's only been eight years.
Ambrose Monk: You're a widower. She's a widow. And I know how you are with the ladies. I remember, in high school, those girls calling you on the phone, talking to you on the phone, complimenting you, huh?
Adrian Monk: Ambrose. Ambrose, those were my teachers.
Ambrose Monk: So? What about Mrs. Flagan? Yeah?

Lieutenant Disher: Halloween. Am I right? Something nasty always goes down on Halloween.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really? What went down last Halloween?
Lieutenant Disher: Nothing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The one before that?
Lieutenant Disher: It's a new tradition. Halloween.

Ambrose Monk: What are you doing? You- You can't go in there. You cannot go in there.
Julie Teeger: I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Natalie: What's going on?
Ambrose Monk: That, that is, that's Dad's study. We're, we're, we're not allowed in there.
Natalie: Not allowed?
Ambrose Monk: Yes. Dad caught me in there once when I was 12.
Natalie: What happened, Ambrose?
Ambrose Monk: He grounded me.
Julie Teeger: For 30 years?

Natalie: See? You can trick-or-treat here. I'll go with you.
Julie Teeger: Oh, fun. Trick-or-treating with your mom.
Natalie: [to Monk] She's at that impossible age, between 11 and 25.

Adrian Monk: Are you trick-or-treating?
Adrian Monk: No. No. This is Natalie, my new assistant. You spoke on the phone.
Ambrose Monk: Enchanter de vous rencontrer. I'm Ambrose Monk, Adrian's brother. Ambrose Monk.
Natalie: Yes, I know. Very nice to meet you, Ambrose.
Ambrose Monk: Yes.
Natalie: Uh this is my daughter, Julie.
Ambrose Monk: I like your costume. You're, you're a cardiologist.
Julie Teeger: I'm a doctor.
Ambrose Monk: No, you're a cardiologist. You see, that stethoscope has a built-in concave amplifier. It's called a stethron. Cardiologists use it to listen for heart murmurs.
Julie Teeger: Guess I'm a cardiologist.
Ambrose Monk: It's all right. I made a mistake once.

Kids: Trick-or-treat!
Ambrose Monk: Wait. Wait. Not yet. Trick-or-treat. I've accepted your terms, which means we now have an implied contract. By accepting this treat, you are in effect promising to refrain from committing any tricks against me or this property now or in the future. Are there any questions?
Boy: Yeah. Do you have any peanut chews?
Ambrose Monk: There's only what's in the bowl. Now, one per customer, all right?

Lieutenant Disher: The man who attacked you was 5 feet tall.
Ambrose Monk: That's right.
Lieutenant Disher: And he wore a green mask with a bolt through the neck. Did he say anything?
Adrian Monk: He said, "Grr."
Ambrose Monk: No, no, no, no. It was... [growls]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Write down Frankenstein.
Ambrose Monk: No, it wasn't Frankenstein. It was Frankenstein's monster. Frankenstein is the name of the scientist who created the monster.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It doesn't really matter.
Ambrose Monk: Captain, you can't just say Frankenstein, it'll confuse everybody.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, write down Frankenstein's monster.

Ambrose Monk: What are you doing, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, I'm just-
Ambrose Monk: Sorry, you can't take that. I don't have any extra.
Adrian Monk: It's just candy.
Ambrose Monk: I know how much I need. Every year, I have it down to a science based on current weather conditions, recent census data, and the demand from previous Halloweens. Last year, I ended up with just one extra candy bar. [takes candy bar from Disher]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, Ambrose, that's, um... That's very... I don't know what the hell that is. Come on, Lieutenant, I'll buy you a snickers bar.

Captain Stottlemeyer: And you've never seen this guy before? In the store? Hanging around the parking lot?
Cashier: I don't think so. But I see a lot of faces.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lieutenant Disher: It looks like Kiefer Sutherland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I guess it does.
Lieutenant Disher: It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it?
Cashier: No, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, here's a receipt. This is from your cash register. This is him, right? Eight items at 89 cents.
Cashier: Yes, sir. Eight candy bars.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Eight candy bars?
Lieutenant Disher: It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland. You know, maybe we should, before we distribute it, write across the bottom, "Not Kiefer Sutherland" just so that we don't disturb Mr. Sutherland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a really good idea.
Lieutenant Disher: You think so?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.

Adrian Monk: Oh, I know this store. It used to be called McCabes. I grew up four blocks away. After school, all the kids would hang out right here in the parking lot, drinking sodas and listening to music.
Natalie: That sounds like fun.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. It was a lot of fun. I used to stand over there across the street. I had a perfect view. Good times. Good times.