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‘Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife

214. Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife

Aired February 13, 2004

When the Captain's wife, Karen (guest star Glenne Headly), is injured in a car accident following a shooting, Monk tries to keep Stottlemeyer from doing something stupid.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: You know, I've been reading about this, uh, this sniper. That's, uh, really terrifying.
Adrian Monk: The police think it's union related.
Dr. Kroger: And what- What, you don't agree?
Adrian Monk: I think the second shooting was a diversion to throw us all off the trail.
Dr. Kroger: Hmm. Well, it's still a tough case. How do you feel?
Adrian Monk: I'm torn. Half of me is worried about Karen, and 40% is worried about Captain Stottlemeyer, and 5% is relieved that somebody finally understands what I've been going through.
Dr. Kroger: You know that's not 100%?
Adrian Monk: I know. I always keep part of me empty for... for emergencies.

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Bare feet? Why would a sniper go barefoot?
Sharona: Especially at 6:00 in the morning. It's been freezing.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe he was an American Indian? An American Indian sniper? Maybe it was an uprising against technology.
Adrian Monk: That doesn't make a lot of sense. Hardly any, really.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, Native American.
Adrian Monk: That doesn't help.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Scabs go home! Scabs!
Adrian Monk: All right.
Sharona: Scabs. Union! Union! Scabs go home! Union! [dog barks]
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Sharona: Well, I'm a union girl.
Adrian Monk: Since when?
Sharona: Since I started working for you. Scabs go home! I should start my own shop.
Adrian Monk: Do it. I'll join you.
Sharona: You're not allowed. You're management.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah? Good. Get rid of the dog.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hold on. Where's- Where's Tully?
Garbage Man #1: On vacation.
Adrian Monk: He never said anything to me about a vacation.
Garbage Man #1: Why would he tell you?
Adrian Monk: We have a relationship. He's been collecting my garbage for years.
Garbage Man #1: Mister, relax, okay? We know what we're doing. You know, we taught Tully the garbage game, okay?
Adrian Monk: Okay. Yeah, but wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You- You have to start from this end. Tully always starts from this end. Didn't Tully mention me?
Garbage Man #1: Believe me, I would have remembered. What's in here?
Adrian Monk: Water.
Garbage Man #1: You're throwing away water?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [whispers] Don't ask.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: [to the dog] Adrian? No!
Adrian Monk: You call him "Adrian"?
Sharona: It seemed to fit. He's nervous, and he's always cleaning himself. You should be flattered.
Adrian Monk: I should be, but I'm not.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay, now... Now this one.
Garbage Man #2: Dude, what difference does it make, man? I mean, it's all going to the same place.
Adrian Monk: Actually, no. When you get to the dump, uh, my bags go in Sector Nine.
Garbage Man #1: Sector Nine?
Adrian Monk: Tully puts my garbage in Sector Nine, so... So it's separate.
Garbage Man #2: [chuckles] Right. Sector... Sector Nine. You got it, Sector Nine.
Garbage Man #1: Have a good day.
Adrian Monk: Hey, God bless you and your work.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: [to a dog] Ooh! Hey, you lost?
Adrian Monk: No. I'm just thinking.
Sharona: I'm not talking to you.
Adrian Monk: Don't, Sharona! Don't- Don't touch the dog, okay? Just please don't pat the dog. Don't touch the dog.
Sharona: Well, why?
Adrian Monk: Okay, if you touch the dog, Sharona, I'm... I have to let you go.
Sharona: You always say you're gonna let me go, but you never do it. [to the dog] Don't listen to him. He doesn't like anybody.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: So, what, you-you offered to take the two boys to lunch?
Adrian Monk: I didn't exactly offer. I just felt it was, uh... It was something that l- l- I had to, uh... Sorry. I can't concentrate. What is that noise?
Dr. Kroger: Oh. Oh, that's, uh, the white noise machine. We've always had it here.
Adrian Monk: No, this one's different.
Dr. Kroger: Well, yeah. I mean, the- the other one broke. Uh, it's just a new newer model. But it's the same.
Adrian Monk: No, it's not. No. The old one went, "shuuu." And this one goes, "shiii," not "shuuu," "shiii." It's like a half an octave higher. I'm- I'm sure all your patients are complaining.
Dr. Kroger: No, no, actually, you're the only one.
Adrian Monk: Well, they're being polite.
Dr. Kroger: [turns off machine] Is that better?
Adrian Monk: No. No.
Dr. Kroger: All right, Adrian, would you like me to try to get the old machine fixed?
Adrian Monk: Oh, that would be great.
Dr. Kroger: Uh-huh.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. I'll wait here.
Dr. Kroger: I didn't mean now, Adrian. I'll try to have it for next week.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Karen Stottlemeyer: There's juice in the blender. Jared's gonna say he hates it, but he has to drink it. Juice is not negotiable.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I understand.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Oh, and I need you to stop at the farmer's market to pick up some vegetables. There's a list on the counter.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The farmer's market. Why can't we just shop at the supermarket like everybody else?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, please. Do you want your children to be like everybody else and have chemicals and pesticides and God knows what, or do you want them to be better than everybody else?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Better.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: What is in there?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Lighting equipment.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how much did that cost?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Oh, don't worry, Leland. I will pay you back.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's not the point. What I meant was that it's- We- We can't afford lighting equipment!
Karen Stottlemeyer: Move. If I had a digital camera I wouldn't need so much lighting equipment.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We cannot afford a new camera!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Karen, I do not want to have another fight!
Karen Stottlemeyer: I would love to have another fight, because I am sick and tired of this one. Don't forget about the farmer's market, and don't pretend to forget about the farmer's market.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Who's late?
Adrian Monk: Garbage truck. It's 8:22. They've never been this late.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, it's 8:15. Is that the watch that Trudy gave you? So, you're never gonna know what time it is for the rest of your life?
Adrian Monk: Maybe.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, Trudy's been gone for seven years. I- I think maybe it's time you think about letting go.
Adrian Monk: Letting go?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. You should think about your future.
Adrian Monk: What future?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Your future.
Adrian Monk: I don't have one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, you do. Yes, you do. And I think that you should you should start thinking about building a life. You should, uh, get on with it. Just let it go. At least buy a new watch. Just think about it.
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid to.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk. You...
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: If I lose her...
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We... Karen...
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Since... Since we were kids.
Adrian Monk: I know. I know. Is there anything I can do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know what you can do.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: She's gonna want to keep it. We can't have a dog!
Lieutenant Disher: You don't live together.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Lieutenant Disher: You want to see something really weird?
Adrian Monk: No. ... Okay.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: Have you seen her yet?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I've seen her. I'll feel a whole lot better when she can see me.
Lieutenant Disher: How are the boys doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: They're scared to death. They're with my mother, which is scary enough.

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