Dr. Kroger: Well, it's still a tough case. How do you feel?
Adrian Monk: I'm torn. Half of me is worried about Karen, and 40% is worried about Captain Stottlemeyer, and 5% is relieved that somebody finally understands what I've been going through.
Dr. Kroger: You know that's not 100%?
Adrian Monk: I know. I always keep part of me empty for... for emergencies.

Sharona: Scabs go home! Scabs!
Adrian Monk: All right.
Sharona: Scabs. Union! Union! Scabs go home! Union! [dog barks]
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Sharona: Well, I'm a union girl.
Adrian Monk: Since when?
Sharona: Since I started working for you. Scabs go home! I should start my own shop.
Adrian Monk: Do it. I'll join you.
Sharona: You're not allowed. You're management.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah? Good. Get rid of the dog.

Adrian Monk: Bare feet? Why would a sniper go barefoot?
Sharona: Especially at 6:00 in the morning. It's been freezing.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe he was an American Indian? An American Indian sniper? Maybe it was an uprising against technology.
Adrian Monk: That doesn't make a lot of sense. Hardly any, really.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, Native American.
Adrian Monk: That doesn't help.

Adrian Monk: Hold on. Where's- Where's Tully?
Garbage Man #1: On vacation.
Adrian Monk: He never said anything to me about a vacation.
Garbage Man #1: Why would he tell you?
Adrian Monk: We have a relationship. He's been collecting my garbage for years.
Garbage Man #1: Mister, relax, okay? We know what we're doing. You know, we taught Tully the garbage game, okay?
Adrian Monk: Okay. Yeah, but wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You- You have to start from this end. Tully always starts from this end. Didn't Tully mention me?
Garbage Man #1: Believe me, I would have remembered. What's in here?
Adrian Monk: Water.
Garbage Man #1: You're throwing away water?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [whispers] Don't ask.

Sharona: [to the dog] Adrian? No!
Adrian Monk: You call him "Adrian"?
Sharona: It seemed to fit. He's nervous, and he's always cleaning himself. You should be flattered.
Adrian Monk: I should be, but I'm not.

Adrian Monk: Okay, now... Now this one.
Garbage Man #2: Dude, what difference does it make, man? I mean, it's all going to the same place.
Adrian Monk: Actually, no. When you get to the dump, uh, my bags go in Sector Nine.
Garbage Man #1: Sector Nine?
Adrian Monk: Tully puts my garbage in Sector Nine, so... So it's separate.
Garbage Man #2: [chuckles] Right. Sector... Sector Nine. You got it, Sector Nine.
Garbage Man #1: Have a good day.
Adrian Monk: Hey, God bless you and your work.

Sharona: [to a dog] Ooh! Hey, you lost?
Adrian Monk: No. I'm just thinking.
Sharona: I'm not talking to you.
Adrian Monk: Don't, Sharona! Don't- Don't touch the dog, okay? Just please don't pat the dog. Don't touch the dog.
Sharona: Well, why?
Adrian Monk: Okay, if you touch the dog, Sharona, I'm... I have to let you go.
Sharona: You always say you're gonna let me go, but you never do it. [to the dog] Don't listen to him. He doesn't like anybody.

Dr. Kroger: So, what, you-you offered to take the two boys to lunch?
Adrian Monk: I didn't exactly offer. I just felt it was, uh... It was something that l- l- I had to, uh... Sorry. I can't concentrate. What is that noise?
Dr. Kroger: Oh. Oh, that's, uh, the white noise machine. We've always had it here.
Adrian Monk: No, this one's different.
Dr. Kroger: Well, yeah. I mean, the- the other one broke. Uh, it's just a new newer model. But it's the same.
Adrian Monk: No, it's not. No. The old one went, "shuuu." And this one goes, "shiii," not "shuuu," "shiii." It's like a half an octave higher. I'm- I'm sure all your patients are complaining.
Dr. Kroger: No, no, actually, you're the only one.
Adrian Monk: Well, they're being polite.
Dr. Kroger: [turns off machine] Is that better?
Adrian Monk: No. No.
Dr. Kroger: All right, Adrian, would you like me to try to get the old machine fixed?
Adrian Monk: Oh, that would be great.
Dr. Kroger: Uh-huh.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. I'll wait here.
Dr. Kroger: I didn't mean now, Adrian. I'll try to have it for next week.

Woman: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I was, uh, just fixing your sundial.
Woman: Yeah, leave it alone. It's fine.
Adrian Monk: Ahhh. It's five hours off.
Woman: No, it's not. My son checked it last week.
Adrian Monk: Oh, well, he did it wrong.
Woman: Well, he's an astronomer.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Maybe his watch was broken?
Woman: Who are you?
Adrian Monk: Just a concerned citizen, ma'am. Just a Good Samaritan just passing by.
Woman: You're demented!
Adrian Monk: Well, that's a matter of opinion. Oh. There you go. It's all done, and you'll thank me later.
Woman: Get out of my yard, you creep!

Karen Stottlemeyer: There's juice in the blender. Jared's gonna say he hates it, but he has to drink it. Juice is not negotiable.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I understand.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Oh, and I need you to stop at the farmer's market to pick up some vegetables. There's a list on the counter.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The farmer's market. Why can't we just shop at the supermarket like everybody else?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, please. Do you want your children to be like everybody else and have chemicals and pesticides and God knows what, or do you want them to be better than everybody else?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Better.