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‘Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife

214. Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife

Aired February 13, 2004

When the Captain's wife, Karen (guest star Glenne Headly), is injured in a car accident following a shooting, Monk tries to keep Stottlemeyer from doing something stupid.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: You know, I've been reading about this, uh, this sniper. That's, uh, really terrifying.
Adrian Monk: The police think it's union related.
Dr. Kroger: And what- What, you don't agree?
Adrian Monk: I think the second shooting was a diversion to throw us all off the trail.
Dr. Kroger: Hmm. Well, it's still a tough case. How do you feel?
Adrian Monk: I'm torn. Half of me is worried about Karen, and 40% is worried about Captain Stottlemeyer, and five percent is relieved that somebody finally understands what I've been going through.
Dr. Kroger: You know that's not 100%?
Adrian Monk: I know. I always keep part of me empty for... for emergencies.

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Bare feet? Why would a sniper go barefoot?
Sharona: Especially at 6:00 in the morning. It's been freezing.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe he was an American Indian? An American Indian sniper? Maybe it was an uprising against technology.
Adrian Monk: That doesn't make a lot of sense. Hardly any, really.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, Native American.
Adrian Monk: That doesn't help.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Scabs go home! Scabs!
Adrian Monk: All right.
Sharona: Scabs. Union! Union! Scabs go home! Union! [dog barks]
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Sharona: Well, I'm a union girl.
Adrian Monk: Since when?
Sharona: Since I started working for you. Scabs go home! I should start my own shop.
Adrian Monk: Do it. I'll join you.
Sharona: You're not allowed. You're management.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah? Good. Get rid of the dog.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hold on. Where's- Where's Tully?
Garbage Man #1: On vacation.
Adrian Monk: He never said anything to me about a vacation.
Garbage Man #1: Why would he tell you?
Adrian Monk: We have a relationship. He's been collecting my garbage for years.
Garbage Man #1: Mister, relax, okay? We know what we're doing. You know, we taught Tully the garbage game, okay?
Adrian Monk: Okay. Yeah, but wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You- You have to start from this end. Tully always starts from this end. Didn't Tully mention me?
Garbage Man #1: Believe me, I would have remembered. What's in here?
Adrian Monk: Water.
Garbage Man #1: You're throwing away water?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [whispers] Don't ask.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: [to the dog] Adrian? No!
Adrian Monk: You call him "Adrian"?
Sharona: It seemed to fit. He's nervous, and he's always cleaning himself. You should be flattered.
Adrian Monk: I should be, but I'm not.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay, now... Now this one.
Garbage Man #2: Dude, what difference does it make, man? I mean, it's all going to the same place.
Adrian Monk: Actually, no. When you get to the dump, uh, my bags go in Sector Nine.
Garbage Man #1: Sector Nine?
Adrian Monk: Tully puts my garbage in Sector Nine, so... So it's separate.
Garbage Man #2: [chuckles] Right. Sector... Sector Nine. You got it, Sector Nine.
Garbage Man #1: Have a good day.
Adrian Monk: Hey, God bless you and your work.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: [to a dog] Ooh! Hey, you lost?
Adrian Monk: No. I'm just thinking.
Sharona: I'm not talking to you.
Adrian Monk: Don't, Sharona! Don't- Don't touch the dog, okay? Just please don't pat the dog. Don't touch the dog.
Sharona: Well, why?
Adrian Monk: Okay, if you touch the dog, Sharona, I'm... I have to let you go.
Sharona: You always say you're gonna let me go, but you never do it. [to the dog] Don't listen to him. He doesn't like anybody.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: So, what, you-you offered to take the two boys to lunch?
Adrian Monk: I didn't exactly offer. I just felt it was, uh... It was something that l- l- I had to, uh... Sorry. I can't concentrate. What is that noise?
Dr. Kroger: Oh. Oh, that's, uh, the white noise machine. We've always had it here.
Adrian Monk: No, this one's different.
Dr. Kroger: Well, yeah. I mean, the- the other one broke. Uh, it's just a new newer model. But it's the same.
Adrian Monk: No, it's not. No. The old one went, "shuuu." And this one goes, "shiii," not "shuuu," "shiii." It's like a half an octave higher. I'm- I'm sure all your patients are complaining.
Dr. Kroger: No, no, actually, you're the only one.
Adrian Monk: Well, they're being polite.
Dr. Kroger: [turns off machine] Is that better?
Adrian Monk: No. No.
Dr. Kroger: All right, Adrian, would you like me to try to get the old machine fixed?
Adrian Monk: Oh, that would be great.
Dr. Kroger: Uh-huh.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. I'll wait here.
Dr. Kroger: I didn't mean now, Adrian. I'll try to have it for next week.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Karen Stottlemeyer: There's juice in the blender. Jared's gonna say he hates it, but he has to drink it. Juice is not negotiable.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I understand.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Oh, and I need you to stop at the farmer's market to pick up some vegetables. There's a list on the counter.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The farmer's market. Why can't we just shop at the supermarket like everybody else?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, please. Do you want your children to be like everybody else and have chemicals and pesticides and God knows what, or do you want them to be better than everybody else?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Better.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: What is in there?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Lighting equipment.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how much did that cost?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Oh, don't worry, Leland. I will pay you back.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's not the point. What I meant was that it's- We- We can't afford lighting equipment!
Karen Stottlemeyer: Move. If I had a digital camera I wouldn't need so much lighting equipment.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We cannot afford a new camera!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Karen, I do not want to have another fight!
Karen Stottlemeyer: I would love to have another fight, because I am sick and tired of this one. Don't forget about the farmer's market, and don't pretend to forget about the farmer's market.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Who's late?
Adrian Monk: Garbage truck. It's 8:22. They've never been this late.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, it's 8:15. Is that the watch that Trudy gave you? So, you're never gonna know what time it is for the rest of your life?
Adrian Monk: Maybe.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, Trudy's been gone for seven years. I- I think maybe it's time you think about letting go.
Adrian Monk: Letting go?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. You should think about your future.
Adrian Monk: What future?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Your future.
Adrian Monk: I don't have one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, you do. Yes, you do. And I think that you should you should start thinking about building a life. You should, uh, get on with it. Just let it go. At least buy a new watch. Just think about it.
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid to.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk. You...
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: If I lose her...
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We... Karen...
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Since... Since we were kids.
Adrian Monk: I know. I know. Is there anything I can do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know what you can do.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: She's gonna want to keep it. We can't have a dog!
Lieutenant Disher: You don't live together.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Lieutenant Disher: You want to see something really weird?
Adrian Monk: No. ... Okay.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: Have you seen her yet?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I've seen her. I'll feel a whole lot better when she can see me.
Lieutenant Disher: How are the boys doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: They're scared to death. They're with my mother, which is scary enough.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Captain, I think you're making a mistake.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not now, Monk.
Adrian Monk: I- I don't think the union is involved. Look, you've been reading about this strike. The negotiations are going their way. Every editorial is behind them. Why would they do something stupid now? It doesn't make any sense.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It makes sense to me.
Adrian Monk: Also, the shooter wasn't wearing shoes. Can you imagine any of these guys running around barefoot?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe he wasn't thinking straight.
Adrian Monk: Maybe you're not.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, you don't know what I'm thinking.
Adrian Monk: I think I do. The place you're in now, that's where I live.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: I hate hospitals.
Adrian Monk: The doctor says she's stable. Thank God.
Captain Stottlemeyer: She woke up for a couple minutes. She could barely breathe. That's how much pain she's in. She asked how the kids were. I said the kids were fine. She passed out again. If I lose her... What if I lose her?
Adrian Monk: You're not. You're not. You're not gonna lose her.
Captain Stottlemeyer: "Not gonna lose her." I remember I said that to you one time. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [hits vending machine] Peanut bar. I hate these. Do you want it?
Adrian Monk: Why'd you buy it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I didn't buy it. I felt like hitting something.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Adrian, I'm gonna spank you. Come on.
Adrian Monk: Are you talking to me or the dog?
Sharona: Both.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Woman: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Hi. I was, uh, just fixing your sundial.
Woman: Yeah, leave it alone. It's fine.
Adrian Monk: Ahhh. It's five hours off.
Woman: No, it's not. My son checked it last week.
Adrian Monk: Oh! Well, he did it wrong.
Woman: Well, he's an astronomer.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Maybe his watch was broken?
Woman: Who are you?
Adrian Monk: Just a concerned citizen, ma'am. Just a Good Samaritan just passing by.
Woman: You're demented!
Adrian Monk: Well, that's a matter of opinion. Oh. There you go. It's all done, and you'll thank me later.
Woman: Get out of my yard, you creep!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Jared: Ever been here before, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: No. No, I don't go out much.
Jared: Oh, we come here all the time.
Adrian Monk: Well, I can see why. It's so... loud and loud.
Jared: Is this really what the '50s were like?
Adrian Monk: Exactly. It's like a time machine.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Max, stay in the lines, okay? Max, you have to stay inside the lines.
Max: I don't want to.
Adrian Monk: Please. It's... It's a rule. Rules are fun, huh? [takes the paper] Finish that later, okay?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Cindy-Lou: Hey, cats and kittens, what's shaking? I'm Cindy-Lou. I'll be your waitress. Who's ready to roll?
Jared: I'll have an Astro Burger and a Coke.
Max: Me, too.
Cindy-Lou: Yeah. How about you, Pops?
Adrian Monk: Uhhh. Uh, nothing. I'm fine. I'm good. I just ate, uh, nine hours ago.
Cindy-Lou: All right. I'll be back in two shakes.
Max: Say something crazy.
Jared: Hey Max, he's not crazy, okay? He's troubled.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Jared.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: What is it with you and this sundial?
Adrian Monk: I remembered something when I was with Stottlemeyer's kids.
Sharona: How'd that go?
Adrian Monk: Fine, fine. Kids love me.
Woman: Oh, my God, he's back! I told you before! This is private property!
Adrian Monk: We'll just be one second, ma'am. Thank you very much. [to Sharona] Call the captain. I solved the case.
Woman: Go!
Sharona: Who? What, she did it?
Adrian Monk: No. I wish she did.
Sharona: You solved it with the sundial?
Adrian Monk: The sundial is the key.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: He kept a handgun in here. A gun he had to get back.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why?
Adrian Monk: I- I don't know. Obviously, it it connected him to something. Something worth killing for. Here's what happened. On Monday morning, the sound of the tow truck must have woken him up. His car was being repossessed. He knew that if the car ever got to the impound lot, they'd find his gun. Somehow he had to stop that truck. He had less than a minute to come up with a plan. He didn't have time to get dressed or put his shoes on, which explains the footprints. The truck had to go all the way back through town to reach the highway. He knew that if he ran, he could head it off. That's how the dog got loose and how the sundial next door got turned around. He cut through the backyards, across the edge of the park, climbed through the chain-link fence, and waited for the tow truck. Then...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know what happened after that.
Adrian Monk: Right after the crash, he retrieved the gun.
Sharona: There was a gravel road, and he didn't want to walk home barefoot. So before he left, he stole the dead driver's shoes. And somehow he managed to get out of there without anyone noticing him.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, what about the second shooting at the truck depot?
Adrian Monk: Strictly for our benefit. He wanted us to keep thinking it was a union thing.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Evan Coker: You wanna come in?
Sharona: Well, actually I'm not alone. I have a few friends with me.
Evan Coker: Great. The more the merrier. What's going on?
Sharona: It's a warrant. My friends wanna look around.
Evan Coker: Look for what?
Sharona: A rifle, a handgun, maybe a pair of shoes taken off a dead truck driver.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Do you know who I am? I'm Leland Stottlemeyer.
Evan Coker: I read about you, uh... How's your wife?
Captain Stottlemeyer: My wife is gonna be fine. The doctors saved her life. You should call them and thank them, because they saved yours too.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [points to Stottlemeyer's holster] You might wanna let the lieutenant hold that for you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why? Are you afraid I'll use it?
Adrian Monk: I would.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I understand now, Monk. You can't let it go, can you?
Adrian Monk: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Don't ever lose that watch.
Adrian Monk: I won't.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's garbage day! Hey! Stop! Stop the truck!
Sharona: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Hold it. Hold it there.
Garbage Man #2: Oh, my God, Mo', it's him, man.
Garbage Man #1: How'd he find us?
Adrian Monk: Leave that garbage!
Garbage Man #2: Let's just go, man. Let's just go.
Adrian Monk: Don't- Wait up! You've got the gun.
Garbage Man #2: Go! Go! Let's get out of here!
Adrian Monk: Wait! Don't go! Don't go! Wait!
Woman: That guy is demented.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Did Adrian Monk just jump into a garbage truck?
Sharona: Yeah.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Karen Stottlemeyer: Oh, I missed you so much. I love you fellas.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Smile.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Oh, my. Where did you get that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I bought it.
Karen Stottlemeyer: A digital camera! Oh, Leland! But we can't afford it, and the other camera was not even insured.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's only money.
Karen Stottlemeyer: "Only money"?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Who got hit on the head, me or you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That would be me. [they kiss]


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