Adrian Monk: Her name is definitely Julie Teeger, spelled the same?
Lieutenant Disher: Actually, these kind of things happen all the time. I once took this course in statistics. There was this woman in Michigan. She won the lottery. Next day, she got bit by a shark.
Adrian Monk: And what does that prove?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know. I ended up dropping the class.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell happened? It was only two miles.
Natalie: I took a short cut. I cut across the creek.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
Natalie: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
Natalie: Yes, I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.

Adrian Monk: What about the other idea? You said you had two.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, yeah, it's just a long shot.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [grabs DVD from under Randy's arm] The Terminator?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, just brainstorming, you know?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, he was killing women with the same names. Forget it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live.
Lieutenant Disher: That was T.2.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town.
Lieutenant Disher: Can I have that back, please?
Captain Stottlemeyer: And things of this nature.

Adrian Monk: I just want to thank you again for seeing me on such short notice. Were you sleeping?
Dr. Kroger: No, no, no. Happy to do it.
Adrian Monk: Your wife wasn't too happy. I could hear her in the background.
Dr. Kroger: No, Madeline is fine. It's part of the job and she knows that.
Adrian Monk: Does she have Tourette's syndrome?
Dr. Kroger: Yes. Yes, she does.

Dr. Kroger: So, a glass eyeball?
Adrian Monk: The mother died three months ago. The son never reported it.
Dr. Kroger: Wait, did the son kill the mother?
Adrian Monk: The doctors say no. It was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body. Carried her from room to room like nothing happened.
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, I have heard of cases like that. See, he couldn't function without her. They call it radical cognitive bonding.
Adrian Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
Dr. Kroger: Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.

Lieutenant Disher: Can I eat these now? He doesn't want me to get crumbs on the seat.
Adrian Monk: New car?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep, they finally signed off on her last night. After about three years of begging and pleading and weeping openly. What do you think of that color? You like it? I love that color.
Adrian Monk: It's black, isn't it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, it's Midnight Onyx. Yeah, it's got satellite radio. Eight speakers. Randy, what the hell are you doing? You're getting salt all over the hood.
Natalie: Does he remind you of anybody?
Adrian Monk: No. You- You missed a spot there. [Monk & Stottlemeyer wipe the hood]

Adrian Monk: I remember this box was here in your living room the day your wife was killed. And I found this piece in the other Julie's townhouse.
Lieutenant Disher: It's a perfect fit.
George Teeger: I don't understand. What does that prove?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It proves that you killed both women, Mr. Teeger. First your wife, then the other Julie.
Adrian Monk: You were having an extra-marital sex affair.

Natalie: Speaking of cars, guess where Julie is today.
Adrian Monk: Yeah?
Natalie: Driver's ed. She's taking her test tomorrow. Can you believe it? She wants me to get her a used car, but I don't know what to do.
Adrian Monk: Just say no. You obviously can't afford it.
Natalie: Have you ever tried saying no to a teenager?
Adrian Monk: How hard can it be?
Natalie: It's impossible. They're like a force of nature. It's like walking into a hurricane.

Adrian Monk: He had a knife?
Lieutenant Disher: Strapped to his leg.
Adrian Monk: Randy, victim- Victim one was killed with a steak knife.
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know. I mean, he's a knife freak. Didn't wanna get his own knife dirty. I mean, Monk, the guy's certifiable. Thought I was his mother. He's crazier than you. Grant. Hugh Grant. You know him. That actor? The crazy actor. Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Sir, would you like to sit down?
Adrian Monk: Hold on, let me- Let me move this stuff here. Look at the size of that handkerchief.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, that's not a handkerchief. That's somebody's underwear.
Adrian Monk: Hey hey hey hey! Hey hey!
Jonah Brown: He hates underwear?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. [takes the underwear] There you go. [clears a seat for the old man]
Adrian Monk: Thank you. [sits down] Thank you.