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‘Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees

605. Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees

Aired August 10, 2007

As Monk works to prove a husband killed his wife and a supposed intruder, Natalie worries about a new young man in Julie's life.

Quote from Natalie

Tim: Julie's t-shirt?
Natalie: That's what this whole thing has been about.
Tim: Her t-shirt? I don't understand.
Natalie: Tim, I've been waiting a long time to say this. Here's what happened. We know Dewey Jordan has been here. Mr. Monk noticed some game coupons in his apartment. Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan met a couple weeks ago at the courthouse. Sherman probably told Dewey he was pulling some kind of insurance scam, but they had to meet again some place to work out the details. They met here at the pier. It was perfect; noisy, a big crowd, nobody would notice them.
Tim: But I don't understand, what does all this have to do with Julie?
Natalie: It was the same day you and Julie were here getting your picture taken.
Tim: Our picture?
Natalie: Exactly. The photographer had you pose right over there. But there were other people standing behind you. That's where Mr. Monk had seen them together. On Julie's t-shirt. They were in the background the whole time.
Tim: That would make sense. That's why he was acting so weird that day we met him.
Natalie: When Mr. Sherman saw that t-shirt, he knew he was in trouble. He saw Julie hanging out with Mr. Monk, the Captain, and Randy. It was only a matter of time before somebody noticed it.
Tim: I know, but why didn't he just try to steal it?
Natalie: Much too risky. Remember, he didn't have to destroy the shirt. He just wanted Julie to stop wearing it. So he had his girlfriend contact Clay. She pretended to be Julie's Aunt.
Tim: I get it. Julie breaks up with me and she never wears the shirt again.
Natalie: She's right, you are pretty smart. That's why we're here. The Captain's getting a search warrant. The photo booth keeps backup copies of all the pictures.
Tim: Uh, copy? Why- Why do you need a copy? Where's the t-shirt?
Natalie: Julie burned it.
Tim: She what?
Natalie: Sorry.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, please. This is important to me. Julie loves you. You're like family, you know that.
Adrian Monk: Just I can't- I just can't. Why don't you ask the Captain or anybody else. When it comes to this particular issue, I'm probably the least qualified person in North America.
Natalie: That's what makes you perfect. You waited for Trudy. You were faithful. You respected her. You're a wonderful role model.
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Natalie: In this particular case.
Adrian Monk: Why don't you just give it a few weeks? See how it goes. I always find doing nothing and never mentioning it again is always the best policy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie Teeger: What's going on?
Adrian Monk: She wanted me to talk to you about... Certain things about life. And, uh... And things... [whispers] She's right out front. [loudly] She thought it might be helpful if you had someone you could talk to. [whispers] I'm supposed to be giving you the big talk.
Julie Teeger: [whispers] Why?
Adrian Monk: Because you're dating an older boy.
Julie Teeger: No, I mean why you?
Adrian Monk: That's what I said. [loudly] See, Julie, the years between 14 and 32 are a very confusing time for a young girl.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, they're two blurs. Even for blurs, they're blurry. Can you make it bigger?
Lieutenant Disher: It's already enhanced.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that could be anybody. That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
Lieutenant Disher: But they're both dead.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Ginger Rogers is not dead.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't, what would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger, I'm just saying that you can't tell who or what they are.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, look. Right There. [starts drawing on the screen] See? He comes in, they shake hands. That is definitely Rob Sherman.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is that a permanent marker?
Lieutenant Disher: No, it'll come off.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't think so.
Lieutenant Disher: [attempts to wipe it off] Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. Flat.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're worse than Monk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Rob Sherman: So what happens now?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, the D.A. will file a report. And I don't think have anything to worry about. Kid broke into your house. You had every right to defend yourself. I'm not supposed to say this, but I would've done the same thing. In fact, I would've emptied my gun into the creep.
Adrian Monk: Why didn't you?
Rob Sherman: Why didn't I what?
Adrian Monk: Empty your gun. You only fired once. I would think in the heat of the moment-
Rob Sherman: That's all I needed one shot.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's all he need.
Rob Sherman: I guess that's it. Um, thank you very much, Captain. Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: What do you think?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think he's the man.
Adrian Monk: I don't think he's the man. I think he's the guy.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Natalie: I'm not saying no. I'm just saying that I have to think about it. When did he ask you?
Julie Teeger: Just now. Like, ten minutes ago.
Natalie: I didn't hear the phone ring.
Julie Teeger: It's called a text message. Welcome to the 21st century, mom.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: No, I'm not worried about the party. I'm worried about after the party. Oh, God, Mitch. I miss you. Mr. Monk? Will you talk to her?
Adrian Monk: Me?
Natalie: Please, I don't know who else to ask. There's no man in her life.
Adrian Monk: What about him?
Natalie: Who, Mr. Morrissey?
Adrian Monk: Kids respect landlords. I think it's the keys.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie Teeger: It's just, how did you know?
Adrian Monk: Okay, look I used to wonder the same thing. When I met Trudy, I said, "Now I see." Now I see why I'm here.
Julie Teeger: Was it wonderful?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I loved falling in love with her. Every day, every morning, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to say is just don't worry. All your dreams will come true. They don't have to come true this weekend. Right? You can take your time. You can wait.
Julie Teeger: Until I find Trudy.
Adrian Monk: Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come. Now stop crying. And let me out of here.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie Teeger: Tim and I are gonna hang out here for a while. I mean, if that's okay.
Natalie: Sure, go ahead. Have fun.
Adrian Monk: Have fun. [Julie kisses Monk on the cheek] What- What's that for?
Julie Teeger: Our little talk. [they walk away]
Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] Wipe.
Natalie: No.
Adrian Monk: Natalie.
Natalie: No, that one stays on.
Adrian Monk: For how long?
Natalie: Maybe forever.
Adrian Monk: I can feel it.
Natalie: Good.
Adrian Monk: Come on, I'm not gonna wipe it off. I'm just gonna dab it.

Quote from Natalie

Julie Teeger: This is my third tardy in two weeks.
Natalie: Ugh, all right, all right, all right. You're right. Okay, one second. I'll take care of it. "Dear Mr. Franklin, please excuse my daughter Julie and her boyfriend"-
Julie Teeger: Mom.
Natalie: Sorry "Friend, Tim Sussman. They are late to school today because as I was driving them my boss was called in to the scene of a double homicide. Thank you, Natalie Teeger." All right, so if he has any questions just have him call me.
Julie Teeger: I'm sure he will.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Natalie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not wearing that t-shirt.
Julie Teeger: Why not?
Natalie: Because it's not appropriate honey. You're in high school now.
Julie Teeger: I can't take it off. And I promised him I'd wear it every day.
Natalie: Uh-huh. For how long?
Julie Teeger: Til I die.
Natalie: You're gonna wear that t-shirt until you die?
Julie Teeger: That's the plan.
Natalie: No, no, no, no.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: So he comes running downstairs. The intruder fires, misses, hits the wall. Husband returns fire. Bang. One shot. End of story.
Adrian Monk: One shot. Bang. End of Story. The soles of his shoes are clean.
Lieutenant Disher: So?
Adrian Monk: Well, he cut through the garden out back. You think he wiped his feet?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, it makes sense. He did want to leave footprints.
Adrian Monk: But he did leave footprints on the patio. I saw them when I came in. Why would he wipe his feet?
Lieutenant Disher: You wiped your feet.
Adrian Monk: But I'm me. That doesn't count. Why would a kid - a burglar - stop and wipe his feet? That doesn't make any sense.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Rob Sherman: Hey, excuse me. Hello? yeah, you. Right, yeah. Did you wipe your feet?
Adrian Monk: Did I-
Rob Sherman: Wipe your feet? It's a $23,000 rug.
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. I wiped them when I came in. Ten times. I don't believe we've met.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Rob Sherman, this is Adrian Monk. He's a consultant with us, and I can assure you that Mr. Monk's feet are clean. In fact, you could probably eat off them.
Rob Sherman: It's nothing personal. It's just it was my wife's favorite rug.
Adrian Monk: I understand. Sorry for your loss.
Rob Sherman: I guess it, uh, hasn't completely sunk in.
Adrian Monk: It will. It'll sink in. Completely.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: How's it going?
Adrian Monk: Somebody unplugged the phone. He kept the gun in here?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Is this how you found it?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, we locked the place down.
Adrian Monk: He heard his wife screaming. He opened the box, he grabbed the gun.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, that's what the man said.
Adrian Monk: The box is closed, latched. If I heard my wife screaming, I wouldn't stop and close the box. Would you?
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, I'm not married.
Adrian Monk: Her slippers. According to the husband, she went downstairs because she was cold.
Lieutenant Disher: If she was cold, why didn't she put on her slippers?
Adrian Monk: That's a good question.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah. You'll get the next one.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Rob Sherman: Excuse me. This is private property here, okay? Shouldn't you guys be in school?
Julie Teeger: We're with my mom. Natalie Teeger. She's here with Mr. Monk.
Tim: Yeah, she just went in to get him.
Rob Sherman: And you are?
Tim: I'm... I'm nobody.
Julie Teeger: His name is Tim. He's my boyfriend.
Rob Sherman: Yeah, I can see that from the shirt. So where were you guys Some amusement park?
Julie Teeger: Um, yeah, the Bay City Pier. He works there.
Rob Sherman: Guess there's no such thing as dress codes anymore, huh?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, let's hear it again from the top.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Husband, Robert Sherman. Owns expensive rug. Intruders shoes indicate that he wiped his feet.
Natalie: Why would a kid breaking and entering wipe his feet?
Adrian Monk: Because he wasn't breaking and entering. They knew each other. It was a setup.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe-
Lovely Rita: Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug and he didn't want to scuff it up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.
Lovely Rita: Any time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe he was planning on stealing the rug.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: All right, how about this one? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.
Lovely Rita: That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time If I want to sleep late or if I'm working.
Captain Stottlemeyer: She's right. Doesn't mean anything.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, here's another one. The wife's slippers.
Natalie: Yeah, the husband said she was cold. That's why she went downstairs. Why wouldn't she put on her slippers?
[The guys are stumped, so they look to "Lovely Rita"]
Lovely Rita: She wasn't really cold. She was just saying she was cold. She went downstairs to get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: What chocolate cake? Who are you?
Lieutenant Disher: This is Rita Depask, a.k.a. the Lovely Rita. She's a material witness in a knife fight downtown.
Lovely Rita: Alleged knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: That's true, that's true. But if you add it all up, if you look at the big picture. I mean, it's plain as day. He's the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Was the wife insured?
Adrian Monk: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So where's your motive?
Lovely Rita: Wake up! [drags the chair she's cuffed to across the room] You got two people living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, he didn't love her. I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he was thinking about was the rug.
Lovely Rita: You're cute.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.
Lovely Rita: You ever unbutton that top button?
Adrian Monk: Nah, not- No.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: There is one problem with your theory. They never met. We checked their records. The bank records, their phone records. We talked to their friends. There is no connection between Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan.
Adrian Monk: I know I've seen them together.
Lovely Rita: Where?
Adrian Monk: I don't know where! Somewhere. It's driving me crazy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, they lived in different worlds. Here's Dewey Jordan's rap sheet. 19 arrests, 12 convictions: bad checks, drugs, couple of burglaries. And in sharp contrast, here is Mr. Sherman's jacket. One arrest. One in his entire life. Driving with a suspended license.
[After Stottlemeyer hands Monk the two rap sheets, "Lovely Rita" points to them both]
Natalie: Wait, wait, wait.
Adrian Monk: There is a connection.
Lovely Rita: Hey, we did it! You'll mention this to the D.A., right?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: This just doesn't feel right. Meeting him here.
Adrian Monk: What choice did we have? He wouldn't see me at his office, and he's not returning my phone calls.
Natalie: Yeah, I know, but this is his wife.
Adrian Monk: Who he killed in cold blood. Don't forget that.
Natalie: Gosh, I remember when Mitch's father was cremated. We went to Carolina and spread his ashes on the beach.
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna be buried next to Trudy. I can't wait.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: What did you do?
Adrian Monk: [points to the urns he reorganized] Skinny, fat, skinny, fat. Skinny... Believe me; this is the way they would've wanted it.
Natalie: Yeah, but Mr. Monk. No, what are you doing? The name tags are all mixed up.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I know, but-
Natalie: No I know that this one went over here.
Adrian Monk: No, this is her.
Natalie: This one.
Adrian Monk: All right, I got it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Mausoleum Operator: What happened here?
Natalie: Uh, the wind.
Adrian Monk: Just a draft.
Natalie: Like a tunnel.
Adrian Monk: Table's a little wobbly.
Natalie: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: You might want to put a matchbook under this. But we cleaned it up.
Mausoleum Operator: A draft?
Adrian Monk: It's no problem.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You told the police that you didn't know Dewey Jordan, the man you killed. You said you never met him.
Rob Sherman: That's right.
Adrian Monk: But you were in traffic court four weeks ago, August 14th, 8:00 am, the Vinton Street Courthouse. And this is Dewey's rap sheet. He was at a bail reduction hearing. Same courthouse. Same day, 8:00 am.
Natalie: Is that where you met him?
Allison Clark: Mr. Sherman. Is there a problem?
Rob Sherman: No. No, there's no problem. No problem at all. This is my, secretary, Allison Clark. Well, you're right, Mr. Monk. It appears that Mr. Jordan and I were in the same building.
Adrian Monk: On the same day a few weeks before he was shot. And I don't believe in coincidence.
Rob Sherman: Yeah, neither do I. Maybe that's where he saw me.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Rob Sherman: Maybe he saw me pull up in my BMW, wearing this suit and this $5,000 Rolex watch and that's where he decided to try and rob me. Now, that's possible. Isn't it?
Adrian Monk: [mumbles]
Rob Sherman: Uh, I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you.
Adrian Monk: Yes, it's possible.
Allison Clark: Uh, we have to go. Is that her?
Natalie: Mostly her.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Natalie: Why? Tim was so great.
Julie Teeger: Of course you liked him. Mothers love Tim. He's... He's safe and he's polite.
Natalie: And smart, and he's cute, and he's on the swim team.
Julie Teeger: Great! Why don't you date him?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: She'll be 16 in four and a half months.
Adrian Monk: Stop torturing yourself. It doesn't mean anything.
Natalie: You think so?
Adrian Monk: Of course. She's looking forward to her birthday. It's no big deal.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You have any questions? no? Great, well, I'm- I'm- I'm glad we had this little talk. I can tell that it's been very helpful to you. We certainly had a positive, very, very productive talk. This is the end of the talk.
Julie Teeger: Wait, Mr. Monk. How do you know if What you're feeling is real?
Adrian Monk: [whispers] What are you doing?
Julie Teeger: No, I'm serious. When you met Trudy, how did you know?
Adrian Monk: [whispers] Listen. This is not real. I'm not really here, okay? This is just for your mother. No, no, no, Don't cry. you can't cry. I can't leave if you're crying. [loudly] What you're feeling is perfectly normal. [whispers]
What you're feeling is probably normal.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Back up disc. And I printed off a copy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, you and your friend take a very nice, very incriminating picture.
Lieutenant Disher: I put it on a mug too.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What for?
Lieutenant Disher: I figured the jury would appreciate it. They're human, the get thirsty. Exhibit a, thank you very much. [drinks] Mmm, guilty.


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