Natalie: I have to talk to you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Natalie, what are you doing?
Natalie: Is this him? It's him, isn't it? He's the "Car Wash Columbo."
Captain Stottlemeyer: "Car Wash Columbo". Uh, Reginald, we need to take a break.
Reginald: Cool, I'll wait outside.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nice try, kid. Jackson, could you baby-sit my young friend here for a minute? Go on.
Natalie: It's him, isn't it? [off Stottlemeyer's look] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [hitting Stottlemeyer] Why didn't you tell me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Natalie, Natalie, Natalie, Natalie. I am so sorry.
Natalie: You're sorry?! But how?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Bulletproof vest. We couldn't tell anybody. "Leland Rodriguez"?
Natalie: That's his name.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that's just stupid.

Lieutenant Disher: Hey, Captain. Are you okay?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine?
Lieutenant Disher: No reason. Rollins is still in the office. The guys are wearing these for Monk. We weren't sure if you wanted to wear it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Of course I do, Randy. Thank you. [Disher holds up another arm band] Uh, two?
Lieutenant Disher: For the other arm.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right.
Lieutenant Disher: To make it even.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Make 'em even. Monk.

Natalie: And so these are gonna go to his brother Ambrose's house, and those will go to my garage.
Moving Guy: All these books. What was he, a professor?
Natalie: No, a detective. An amazing detective. He could look at a room or a person and see things that nobody else could see.
Moving Guy: Like the car wash guy.
Natalie: Yeah. What car wash guy?
Moving Guy: The guy in Nevada. I was just reading about him. Here. It's in today's paper. They call him the "Car Wash Columbo." He solved a big hit-and-run case single-handedly. Yeah. Sounds like a real character. His boss says it takes him a whole hour to wipe down every car. Won't even use the same rag twice.
Natalie: Can I see that?
Moving Guy: Yeah.
Natalie: There's no picture.
Moving Guy: I guess he's modest too.
Natalie: "Leland Rodriguez." His name is Leland?

Lieutenant Disher: [playing guitar and singing] Tru, Trudy, Trudy. Okay. Okay, I'm gonna, just give you a little heads up before the service. It's, uh, it's kind of a protest song. It's gonna be pretty controversial, especially the tenth verse, where I talk about the actual shooting. I mean, I don't mention you by name. I just, I call you "the man."
Captain Stottlemeyer: The tenth verse? Randy, how many verses are there in total?
Lieutenant Disher: 14, so far. And a bridge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good.
Lieutenant Disher: [plays long guitar solo] ... [sings] Why tell me why Did a good man have to die? Shot down in his prime 48 or 49 Why tell me why Did a good man
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: ...have to die?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, he's not dead.
Lieutenant Disher: Has-
Captain Stottlemeyer: We faked it. Monk jumped off the pier. He was wearing a bulletproof vest.

Adrian Monk: Hello, Dale.
Dale Biederbeck: Adrian Monk. Why am I not surprised?
Adrian Monk: I tried to call, but apparently your phone's been disconnected.
Dale Biederbeck: Yes, I should've done it years ago. Fewer distractions.
Adrian Monk: I see they took your bed and your computer.
Dale Biederbeck: They were cluttering up the room. You know me, Monk. I've always been a simple man of philosophic joys.
Adrian Monk: And they're making you eat in the cafeteria now. That can't be fun. At least you won't be eating alone. Your little friend Sheriff Rollins will be joining you soon. He's talking to the D.A. right now. Telling him everything about how you hired Frank Nunn to plant that bomb and then killed Nunn and tried to frame me for it. Might want to save a seat for the Lieutenant Governor too.
Dale Biederbeck: Are you having fun?
Adrian Monk: No. But it's as close as I'm ever gonna get.

Dale Biederbeck: What did you win, Monk? Nothing! We're both back where we started.
Adrian Monk: Not exactly. The police in Dourados found something in Frank Nunn's apartment. Some old letters. He talked about killing Trudy. He mentioned the man who hired him.
Dale Biederbeck: You have a name!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, not quite. Nunn called him "The Judge."
Dale Biederbeck: The Judge. I can't help you, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Can't or won't?
Dale Biederbeck: A little lead. How exciting. That should keep you off the street for a while.
Adrian Monk: The important thing is that you're off the street.
Dale Biederbeck: [laughs] You really think these bars can hold me?
Adrian Monk: [kicks the bars] Yeah. They seem pretty strong. Have a good life, Dale.
Dale Biederbeck: It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison, but you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars! You hear me? Come back here! I'm not done!
Adrian Monk: Yes, you are.

Lieutenant Disher: He's alive. He's alive.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep. He's in hiding until we figure out what the hell's going on.
Lieutenant Disher: I can't believe it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You okay?
Lieutenant Disher: Did- Yeah, I'm thrilled, yeah. Yeah, I just-
Captain Stottlemeyer: You look disappointed.
Lieutenant Disher: It's just, it's the best song I ever wrote.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, well, save it. It's a great song. He's gonna die one day.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, but you're not gonna shoot him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You never know.

Adrian Monk: Morning.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good morning, Monk. How do you feel?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How about happy to be alive?
Adrian Monk: No, that's not it.

Lieutenant Disher: Hey, would it be okay if I wrote a song for the service?
Natalie: Oh, yeah, Randy, that would be wonderful. He would've liked that. Mr. Monk was a big, big, big... He knew how much you really love music.
Lieutenant Disher: Great.

Guard: Biederbeck. You have a visitor. You have ten minutes.
Dale Biederbeck: The eager Miss Teeger! You took a big chance coming here. The photos I've seen don't do you justice. Althena, we'll have to continue this tomorrow. Remember where we left off. Do you mind? Watching Althena walk away is the only exercise I get.
Natalie: You get a manicure every day? A computer. Your own telephone. It doesn't look like you're suffering.
Dale Biederbeck: Believe me, Natalie, I suffer. Remember the day you got the news about Mitch? That's where I live.
Natalie: How do you know about-
Natalie: About your dead husband? You work for Adrian Monk, Natalie. That makes you and your family my business.
Natalie: Is that the Governor?
Dale Biederbeck: I'm a big fan.
Natalie: Didn't he just refuse to commute your sentence?
Dale Biederbeck: Turn it off, please.
Natalie: Turn what off?
Dale Biederbeck: The video recorder in your purse. I won't be confessing to anything today, Natalie. We don't have to play games. I know Adrian Monk is alive. I never believed his oldest friend Leland Stottlemeyer would actually shoot him. Did you? [gasps] Really? To tell the truth, I'm so relieved. I don't want Monk dead. Ever since he put me here, my dream has been to trade places with the man. I. Want. Monk. Here! In this hellhole, rotting away, slowly, slowly, slowly.