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‘Mr. Monk Goes Camping’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes Camping

812. Mr. Monk Goes Camping

Aired November 6, 2009

Monk tries to impress a member of the reinstatement committee by bonding with the man's son on a camping trip for at-risk youths led by Lieutenant Disher.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Wait a minute. P-300? Isn't that a fatality?
Lieutenant Disher: It was pretty ugly. The driver hit a tractor trailer head-on. He and his wife were both DOA.
Adrian Monk: And this was the car that had the bumper sticker? "Happiness is a choice."
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, that's right. Well, actually it was on fire when I got there, so it was hard to read.
Adrian Monk: And this didn't deter you or make you think twice?
Lieutenant Disher: I mean, it was an epiphany, Monk. I mean, you can't just choose where you get it. I mean, it could be from a guru on a mountaintop or it could be from a bumper sticker on a burning Subaru.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Brian caught the fish. Possession is nine tenths of the law. That's the rule. In fact, when you're in the woods, it's ten tenths.
Nicky Phillips: Ten tenths? That doesn't sound right.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, rules don't have to sound right. That's another rule.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Brian Willis: What are we gonna do? He doesn't like the fish. He's gonna kill us! Do something.
Adrian Monk: [calmly] It's OK. It's OK. I'm very calm. We're very calm. Look how calm we are.
Brian Willis: He likes it. It's working. Keep talking, keep talking.
Adrian Monk: What do I say?
Brian Willis: I don't know. Tell him a story.
Adrian Monk: What? What story?
Brian Willis: It doesn't matter! He's a bear!
Adrian Monk: Okay. You're probably wondering what we're doing here. Here's what happened. See, an armored car was robbed, and the guard was killed, and the police recovered some shell casings from the crime scene. And if they could match them to the casings found in that clearing, they'd have an airtight case. [bear growls] Exactly. And those two men they weren't hunters, they were killers. They must've been target practicing up here, and someone must've spotted them. Maybe a park ranger. That's why they came back. 'cause they knew that those shell casings could tie them to the crime scene. [bear goes away]
Brian Willis: I guess it got bored. Nice work.
Adrian Monk: It's what I do.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: Hey, do you want to come? I could use the help.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Lieutenant Disher: Do you have plans?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Lieutenant Disher: You're not feeling well?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I hope you feel better.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: I don't know how you do it.
Lieutenant Disher: What's that?
Adrian Monk: How you take it. People joke around, tease you, you never get mad or upset.
Lieutenant Disher: Used to bother me when I was coming up in uniform. I heard people laughing, telling Randy Disher stories. It hurt, you know. I almost quit.
Adrian Monk: What happened?
Lieutenant Disher: One night I got a call. A P-300 downtown. There was a bumper sticker on one of the cars, and it said, "happiness is a choice." I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but it changed my life. I made a decision right there. I chose to be happy. I mean, I really believe that. I mean, you have the power. You can choose to be happy.
Adrian Monk: I guess I should read more bumper stickers.
Lieutenant Disher: Everybody should.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Well, it's just a preliminary hearing, right? They'll make the final recommendation next week. Maybe he'll change his mind.
Adrian Monk: You know that Hank Henderson shot his partner? Natalie, he shot his own partner, and he was reinstated a month later.
Natalie: Well, Hank Henderson plays the game, Mr. Monk. He plays golf with the police commissioner's brother. You got to get out there, network, kiss some butts.
Adrian Monk: Sounds so unsanitary.
Natalie: You know what I mean. Schmooze. You have a week to change his mind.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: At the moment we have bigger problems. Driver's in the hospital, the guard is dead. Went down around 10:30. Very professional, very well-planned... Until it wasn't. Bad guys parked here. The armored car was about an hour behind schedule, so they must've waited here for some time. Two guys, they got out, ski masks, both with rifles, bang the driver, bang bang the guard, then make off with 900 grand. So what do you think?
Adrian Monk: I can't believe Anderson got reinstated. He shot his own partner.
Natalie: Any fingerprints?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, nothing. The cab was clean, the doors. They were probably wearing gloves.
Adrian Monk: Open the meter.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: Well, you said the armored car was running late. Right, so if they didn't want draw attention to themselves they were probably feeding the meter.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Fingerprints on the coin. Hey, get the tech guys over here. Have 'em open this meter and dust every coin they find. Thank you.
Adrian Monk: I'm not a schmoozer. That's the problem. I don't play golf. How do people schmooze, anyway? Is it "schmooze" or "smooze"?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Natalie: When are you leaving?
Lieutenant Disher: Tomorrow morning.
Natalie: Why are you wearing that now?
Lieutenant Disher: I have to get acclimated. You know, it's like swinging two bats in the on-deck circle. Women, they just don't get it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take it off, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: That's where we are, and that's where you're going.
Adrian Monk: The middle of nowhere.
Natalie: It's not too late to back out.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no. I am doing this. I am playing the game.
Natalie: Well, at least try to have some fun.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's a game. It's not supposed to be fun.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: So here are your wipes. Extra wipes.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Natalie: Back-up extra wipes. Some extra back-up wipes. You want me to write your name in your clothes?
Adrian Monk: Hah, not necessary. A, my name's already in them, and B, these clothes aren't coming off.
Natalie: Even when you sleep?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I won't be sleeping.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, where's your canteen?
Adrian Monk: I won't be drinking either. If I drink water, I make water, you understand? I don't want to start the machine, you understand?
Natalie: Unfortunately, yes, I do understand.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hey, cool, you brought your transistor radio? What are you listening to?
Brian Willis: Music.
Adrian Monk: What kind of music does your dad like?
Brian Willis: Whatever sucks.
Adrian Monk: Who's your favorite band? I like the various artists. You heard of them? They do all kinds of soundtracks.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Norman Walters: I got matches.
Adrian Monk: Oh, not yet. No, it's not quite even.
Will Dellman: We're just going to burn it, not live in it.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, you'll thank me later.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: They called him the Spider Lake Maniac because all the killings happened right here in these woods about a year ago. Actually, it was a year ago. Tonight. Now, there's a mental hospital about ten miles away from here. It's called the Lassen County Clinic. Everybody thought it was escape-proof. But somehow he escaped.
Adrian Monk: Randy, excuse me. The Lassen Clinic's been closed for 20 years.
Lieutenant Disher: That's right, yeah. It must've been another mental hospital.
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know, I don't remember.
Lieutenant Disher: But the point is he escaped. Now, on the first night, he killed two fishermen. Slit their throats. But he didn't need a knife. Want to know why? Because he didn't have a left hand. Instead, he had a razor-sharp hook! Argh!
Adrian Monk: Actually, they don't use hooks anymore. These days they have prosthetic hands. You know, rubber. Just like real hands.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, he had a hook.
Adrian Monk: Or a hand. It was probably a hand.
Lieutenant Disher: It was a hook.
Adrian Monk: Or a hand.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: The important thing is he was a maniac and the simplest thing could set him off.
Adrian Monk: He was probably bipolar, which by the way, they can treat now. There's this new drug called lexapro.
Will Dellman: Lexapro is excellent.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, the spider lake maniac didn't take his medicine.
Adrian Monk: I'm sure he took his medicine. It was probably mandated by the court. You're scaring the kids.
Will Dellman: They probably started off with xanax. That's what they did with me. Ooh, that reminds me I have to take my pills.
Adrian Monk: What're you doing? What is that?
Norman Walters: [playing video game] This is my backup.
Lieutenant Disher: Fine. So thanks to modern medicine, the Spider Lake Maniac now lives in a public housing project with his pet cat and never bothers anyone. The end.
Brian Willis: Wow. That was pathetic.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah, it was a great story, Professor Lame-O.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

[As the phone in Luke Johnston's pocket rings]
Lieutenant Disher: Listen. Hey, that's that's me. That's that's my song. Oh, oh, dude, this is gonna rock your world. You ready for this? I'm Randy Disher.
Luke Johnston: Who?
Lieutenant Disher: It's the Randy Disher Project. I'm your ring tone, man. That's my song. Go ahead. Answer it.
Luke Johnston: Not today. I'm on vacation. Anyway, we're gonna take off. But it was nice to meet you guys.
Del Johnston: Good luck with your fish.

Quote from Adrian Monk

1st Panel Member: Sorry we're late. Have you been waiting long?
Adrian Monk: 11 years. [smiles]
1st Panel Member: Are you all right?
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. I'm just smiling.
1st Panel Member: Adrian, I just want to say that we really appreciate the work you've done, unofficially as a consultant over the last eight years. We've been reading your case file and talking with your colleagues. It's a very impressive record.
2nd Panel Member: I worked on the raincoat strangler case. We worked that case for nine months without a lead. I still don't know how you did it.
Adrian Monk: I got lucky. Actually, it was more than just luck. I talked to the suspect, and I noticed there were a few discrepancies in his alibi.
2nd Panel Member: It was quite impressive. It was dazzling, actually.
Adrian Monk: Impressive, dazzling, I'll take either one.

Quote from Adrian Monk

2nd Panel Member: I see you're still working with Neven Bell. I've known Neven for years. He's a good man.
Adrian Monk: And a good psy- doctor. We made some real progress.
2nd Panel Member: So I see. Tell him I said hello.
Adrian Monk: Can I use your phone?
2nd Panel Member: Oh, you don't have to say hello now. The next time you see him.
Adrian Monk: Ah, got ya. [laughs] It's fun to laugh.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Frank Willis: Mr. Monk, I also appreciate the work you've been doing for the city as well as the progress you've made. I have to say I'm very encouraged. However-
Adrian Monk: How- However?
Captain Frank Willis: Handing you a gun and a badge is a big responsibility. It's probably the most important decision this panel will ever make, and it wouldn't be fair to you or the city to put you on the street prematurely. And, speaking personally, I'm just not sure. I'm not convinced you have the judgment, I'm not convinced you have the temperament. Thank you for coming in. We'll have an answer by next week.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I mean, it was going so well. The first two loved me. I could tell we were all laughing, for some reason. But the third guy, this Captain Willis, Frank Willis, he just hated me.
Natalie: Well, two out of three, a least you're getting closer.
Adrian Monk: [sharp, raspy] "Mr. Monk, I just don't think you have the judgment or the temperament."
Natalie: That's how he talks?
Adrian Monk: Yes, exactly.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, there you are. How'd it go?
Natalie: Good. It's two to one in our favor.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that's not bad. You're getting closer.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, to retirement age.

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