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‘Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever

703. Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever

Aired August 1, 2008

Natalie becomes a local celebrity after she fills in for a murdered lotto girl.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: What's that? "It looks like her number came up."
Lieutenant Disher: It's a zinger. She's a lotto girl. Her number came up. Get it? You remember last year Sergeant Beecham shoved that junkie into a lamp post, and he said, "I'll keep you posted."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah. I heard about that.
Lieutenant Disher: Everybody heard about it. I mean, people were repeating it. It was famous. This is even better. This is a classic.
Captain Stottlemeyer: If you say so.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I just need to find the right moment.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I know, but here's the thing. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Oh, we already made plans.
Natalie: What plans? Me making dinner while you vacuum the rug?
Adrian Monk: Exactly. And here's the other thing. If I let you take a night off, I have to let everybody take a night off.
Natalie: Who's everybody? What are you talking about? It's just me.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, come on. It's one night.
Adrian Monk: Well, then I'll guess I'll just have to say no... Kay. No kay. No kay.
Stan Lawrence: Which is it? "No" or "okay?"
Adrian Monk: Nokay. Nokay.
Natalie: He's trying to say okay. That's as close as he's ever gonna get.
Stan Lawrence: Nokay?
Adrian Monk: Nokay.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Or maybe I just feel insulted.
Dr. Bell: Insulted?
Adrian Monk: What I do is hard. I am out there. I am sweating out every clue. I'm putting killers behind bars. What does she do? What does she do?! [picks up calendar] 91. Number 91! 91. Number 91. I mean, how hard is that? A talking monkey could do her job. It's embarrassing.
Dr. Bell: Actually, that's 16. See, you're holding it upside down.
Adrian Monk: Oh, it's confusing. There's usually a little line under the nine.
Dr. Bell: It goes under the six. The line goes under the six.
Adrian Monk: I'm pretty sure it's the nine.
Dr. Bell: It's no big deal. I've seen it my whole life.
Adrian Monk: I've never seen it under the six.
Dr. Bell: Why don't we ask Natalie then? She's the expert.
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay.
Dr. Bell: But I see your point. About the monkey.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Good evening people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play? Then let's play the lottery. And the first number is...
Sound Guy: Turn it on! Turn it on!
Natalie: Oh, my God! And the first number is... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number... 52. 52 cards in a deck. The next number is... 7. The seven dwarves.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Seven dwarves.
Natalie: 32. 32... teeth. And... 10. My boss's absolute favorite number.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Aw, crap.
Natalie: Apparently not everybody's favorite. And the final number is 17. My daughter's age. Hi, Julie! Once again, the Gold Rush numbers are and 25, 52, 7, 32, 10, 17, so that's it for now. Keep playing Lotto. You'll thank me later.
Adrian Monk: You'll thank me later. That's my line. I say that.
Lieutenant Disher: Hurts doesn't it?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Glad you like numbers, Billy, 'cause you're gonna be wearing some numbers on your shirt.
Billy Logan: Is that right?
Lieutenant Disher: Except they won't be Lotto numbers.
Billy Logan: I get it.
Lieutenant Disher: Because you're going to prison.
Billy Logan: I get it.
Lieutenant Disher: You have the right to remain silent.
Billy Logan: I will if you will.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Find me the station manager. I want a list of every employee that was here last night. Make that every employee, period.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir. Any idea on motive?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I guess you can say that there were 12 million people with a motive, myself included. This was the Lotto girl. She broke my heart three times a week.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Medical Examiner: Captain, if you're ready to release the body, I can take her downtown. I still don't get it. Who'd want to kill the Lotto girl?
Officer Kelton: I guess her number came up. [laughs] [Disher throws his notebook at Kelton] Hey, what are you doing?
Lieutenant Disher: Hey, what are you doing? That was my line, man.
Officer Kelton: What are you talking about?
Lieutenant Disher: I just said the exact same thing two seconds ago. Ask the captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, this is a crime scene, for God sakes.
Lieutenant Disher: No, you heard me. You know what? He must've heard me. It's okay, look. It's written in my notebook right here. See that? "It looks like her number came up." Let's see your notebook.
Officer Kelton: I didn't write it down. I just thought of it.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, please, come on! Can you believe this guy? You know what? I'm gonna have your badge, Officer...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Come on, Shecky, let's walk it off.

Quote from Natalie

Stan Lawrence: Excuse me. I'm Stan Lawrence. I'm the station manager. Here's that list you wanted.
Natalie: Great, great. I'll make sure they get it. How long did she work here?
Stan Lawrence: Not long. Just a few weeks. I still can't believe it. I should've put more lights back here.
Natalie: No, you can't blame yourself. It was after midnight. The parking lot was empty. More lights wouldn't have made a difference.
Stan Lawrence: Thank you, officer. That's very nice of you to say.
Natalie: Oh, I'm not an officer. I work with Mr. Monk.
Stan Lawrence: Is that Adrian Monk? I've heard of him. He's a genius, right? And you're his partner.
Natalie: Partner/babysitter/assistant/babysitter.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Where's Natalie?
Adrian Monk: She's downstairs. She's signing autographs.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You hate this, don't you?
Adrian Monk: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Natalie getting all the attention.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm happy for her.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure you are.
Adrian Monk: It's good for her. She deserves it. It's long overdue.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's driving you crazy. I can tell. You used to be the superstar. Now you're Garfunkel.
Adrian Monk: I'm not Garfunkel.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're Garfunkel, and you can't stand it.
Adrian Monk: I'm not Garfunkel. I'm not Garfunkel.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Billy Logan: Waiter, yo! There's something wrong with my glass. It's empty! You know what? Hell, just bring the whole bottle and charge it to the room.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm afraid you can't afford it, Billy.
Lieutenant Disher: Think you guys won the jackpot? We got news for you, Billy. We got your numbers. Number. Number. We got your number. Num- Numbers?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here you go. I was just talking to his nephew on the phone. He couldn't even believe it was really me. I felt like- I felt like Fats Domino.

Quote from Dr. Bell

Dr. Bell: Garfunkel?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm probably the biggest Garfunkel who ever lived. I mean, after all I've done for her. You know, I give her money almost every week.
Dr. Bell: But doesn't she work for you?
Adrian Monk: That's not the point exactly.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, Natalie's a human being. Now all this attention can throw a person off-balance, especially if it comes suddenly and unexpectedly. I once wrote a book on body language, and it it spent all of three minutes on the best seller list. Now, I was very young, and I'm sorry to say I became a bit of a diva. I didn't like myself very much.
Adrian Monk: So now you're on her side.
Dr. Bell: The question is why aren't you on her side? Why aren't you happy for her? Natalie's your friend. Maybe you're afraid she doesn't need you anymore. Maybe you're afraid of losing her.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you got?
Adrian Monk: Contact lens case. With only one lens. Ah! Fluid! It's fluid! I need a wipe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't have a wipe.
Adrian Monk: G- Give me a wipe. Just- I need a wipe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Where's Natalie?

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Mr. Monk, are you mocking me in public? I don't make fun of your job.
Adrian Monk: That's because I have a real job. I'm solving a homicide here.
Natalie: I have a real job too. I'm changing people's lives. I'm making them rich.
Adrian Monk: You are not making them rich. You're not giving them financial advice. You're just reading little numbers off little white ping pong balls. And if it wasn't you, they'd just hire some other bim-
Natalie: Some other what? "Bim" what?
Adrian Monk: Bimportant person.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, do you think I'ma bimbo? Look, I know what I do isn't the most bimportant job on the earth, but what do I do for you? Hand you wipes all day long. Pick up your laundry. You know, people admire me now, and I admit it, I am enjoying the attention. I guess I needed it.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but I can't work like this. So you're gonna have to choose.
Natalie: All right, then I guess I quit.
Adrian Monk: Thank god! Call the station manager. Tell him to find somebody else.
Natalie: No, I quit you. I quit us.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Why did I make her choose? Of course she'd choose to leave. Everybody leaves. First my father.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, don't do this now.
Adrian Monk: Then Trudy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Trudy didn't leave you.
Adrian Monk: Sharona and Dr. Kroger. I can't blame Natalie for leaving. I'd leave me too if I had the chance. Gah, I am the king of Garfunkel. I am oozing Garfunkel.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Natalie: So you guys are old friends?
Eugene Maddox: No, no. We just met at the bar.
Billy Logan: Yeah, I recognized him from TV. I went over and said hello. What your name again?
Natalie: Billy, don't bother. We've already checked. You've guys have known each other for years. You've worked on five movies together.
Adrian Monk: I knew I'd seen this logo somewhere before. At the press conference, it was on your friend's jacket.
Lieutenant Disher: That's the clue that capped the case.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's not even a real phrase.
Adrian Monk: It's all over, Billy. We know why you killed Marissa Kessler. The paint we found on her fingertips told the whole story. That night after the show, she must've caught you rigging the equipment.
Lieutenant Disher: Looks like you painted yourself into a corner.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Can we focus here? Your plan was already in motion. You put the Gizmo in the microphone, but getting fired ruined everything. They escorted you out of the studio. They took your security pass, and you couldn't get back in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You had a problem, Billy. A real dilemma.
Billy Logan: Is that right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, you knew the six numbers that were going to hit. But then what? You were locked out of the building. You couldn't just turn the magnet off. You knew the same numbers were gonna keep coming up night after night. After four or five times, somebody would've noticed.
Natalie: Yeah, they'd find the magnet. You'd be the first and only suspect, so you framed us.
Lieutenant Disher: Do you have any idea what you did to this man? This man has nothing. His wife left him. His girlfriend is in jail, and he's been living in a ratty little condo.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.
Lieutenant Disher: He's been looking at a sad little picture or a boat on a wall for 11 years, and you gave him hope, and then you ripped his heart out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: For that, you're gonna burn in hell.
Natalie: That and a homicide.
Adrian Monk: Actually, two homicides. Don't forget the lottery fanatic who had a picture of them both together.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You miss it, don't you?
Natalie: More than you know. No, I have the best job in the world right here. I'm proud to be your Garfunkel, Mr.
Monk.
Adrian Monk: You know, we can be Garfunkel. A couple of Garfunkel.
Natalie: Yeah, maybe. There's no law against it. Do you know who Garfunkel is?
Adrian Monk: Sure, he's a cartoon cat. He hates Mondays.
Natalie: No, that's Garfield. This is Garfunkel.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Garfunkel right. That the thing my grandmother had on her neck.
Natalie: No, he's a singer. Simon and Garfunkel.
Adrian Monk: Right! The Chipmunks.
Natalie: No, not the chipmunks. Bridge Over Troubled Water. Mrs. Robinson.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about?
Natalie: Their songs. Feelin' groovy.
Adrian Monk: Oh, so they're hippies.
Natalie: Yeah, I guess so.
Adrian Monk: Cartoon hippies.
Natalie: No, not cartoon hippies, Mr. Monk.


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