Captain Stottlemeyer: What's that? "It looks like her number came up."
Lieutenant Disher: It's a zinger. She's a lotto girl. Her number came up. Get it? You remember last year Sergeant Beecham shoved that junkie into a lamp post, and he said, "I'll keep you posted."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah. I heard about that.
Lieutenant Disher: Everybody heard about it. I mean, people were repeating it. It was famous. This is even better. This is a classic.
Captain Stottlemeyer: If you say so.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I just need to find the right moment.

Adrian Monk: I know, but here's the thing. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Oh, we already made plans.
Natalie: What plans? Me making dinner while you vacuum the rug?
Adrian Monk: Exactly. And here's the other thing. If I let you take a night off, I have to let everybody take a night off.
Natalie: Who's everybody? What are you talking about? It's just me.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, come on. It's one night.
Adrian Monk: Well, then I'll guess I'll just have to say no... Kay. No kay. No kay.
Stan Lawrence: Which is it? "No" or "okay?"
Adrian Monk: Nokay. Nokay.
Natalie: He's trying to say okay. That's as close as he's ever gonna get.
Stan Lawrence: Nokay?
Adrian Monk: Nokay.

Adrian Monk: Or maybe I just feel insulted.
Dr. Bell: Insulted?
Adrian Monk: What I do is hard. I am out there. I am sweating out every clue. I'm putting killers behind bars. What does she do? What does she do?! [picks up calendar] 91. Number 91! 91. Number 91. I mean, how hard is that? A talking monkey could do her job. It's embarrassing.
Dr. Bell: Actually, that's 16. See, you're holding it upside down.
Adrian Monk: Oh, it's confusing. There's usually a little line under the nine.
Dr. Bell: It goes under the six. The line goes under the six.
Adrian Monk: I'm pretty sure it's the nine.
Dr. Bell: It's no big deal. I've seen it my whole life.
Adrian Monk: I've never seen it under the six.
Dr. Bell: Why don't we ask Natalie then? She's the expert.
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay.
Dr. Bell: But I see your point. About the monkey.

Natalie: Good evening people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play? Then let's play the lottery. And the first number is...
Sound Guy: Turn it on! Turn it on!
Natalie: Oh, my God! And the first number is... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number... 52. 52 cards in a deck. The next number is... 7. The seven dwarves.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Seven dwarves.
Natalie: 32. 32... teeth. And... 10. My boss's absolute favorite number.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Aw, crap.
Natalie: Apparently not everybody's favorite. And the final number is 17. My daughter's age. Hi, Julie! Once again, the Gold Rush numbers are and 25, 52, 7, 32, 10, 17, so that's it for now. Keep playing Lotto. You'll thank me later.
Adrian Monk: You'll thank me later. That's my line. I say that.
Lieutenant Disher: Hurts doesn't it?

Lieutenant Disher: Glad you like numbers, Billy, 'cause you're gonna be wearing some numbers on your shirt.
Billy Logan: Is that right?
Lieutenant Disher: Except they won't be Lotto numbers.
Billy Logan: I get it.
Lieutenant Disher: Because you're going to prison.
Billy Logan: I get it.
Lieutenant Disher: You have the right to remain silent.
Billy Logan: I will if you will.

Stan Lawrence: Excuse me. I'm Stan Lawrence. I'm the station manager. Here's that list you wanted.
Natalie: Great, great. I'll make sure they get it. How long did she work here?
Stan Lawrence: Not long. Just a few weeks. I still can't believe it. I should've put more lights back here.
Natalie: No, you can't blame yourself. It was after midnight. The parking lot was empty. More lights wouldn't have made a difference.
Stan Lawrence: Thank you, officer. That's very nice of you to say.
Natalie: Oh, I'm not an officer. I work with Mr. Monk.
Stan Lawrence: Is that Adrian Monk? I've heard of him. He's a genius, right? And you're his partner.
Natalie: Partner/babysitter/assistant/babysitter.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Find me the station manager. I want a list of every employee that was here last night. Make that every employee, period.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir. Any idea on motive?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I guess you can say that there were 12 million people with a motive, myself included. This was the Lotto girl. She broke my heart three times a week.

Medical Examiner: Captain, if you're ready to release the body, I can take her downtown. I still don't get it. Who'd want to kill the Lotto girl?
Officer Kelton: I guess her number came up. [laughs] [Disher throws his notebook at Kelton] Hey, what are you doing?
Lieutenant Disher: Hey, what are you doing? That was my line, man.
Officer Kelton: What are you talking about?
Lieutenant Disher: I just said the exact same thing two seconds ago. Ask the captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, this is a crime scene, for God sakes.
Lieutenant Disher: No, you heard me. You know what? He must've heard me. It's okay, look. It's written in my notebook right here. See that? "It looks like her number came up." Let's see your notebook.
Officer Kelton: I didn't write it down. I just thought of it.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, please, come on! Can you believe this guy? You know what? I'm gonna have your badge, Officer...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Come on, Shecky, let's walk it off.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Where's Natalie?
Adrian Monk: She's downstairs. She's signing autographs.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You hate this, don't you?
Adrian Monk: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Natalie getting all the attention.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm happy for her.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure you are.
Adrian Monk: It's good for her. She deserves it. It's long overdue.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's driving you crazy. I can tell. You used to be the superstar. Now you're Garfunkel.
Adrian Monk: I'm not Garfunkel.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're Garfunkel, and you can't stand it.
Adrian Monk: I'm not Garfunkel. I'm not Garfunkel.

Billy Logan: Waiter, yo! There's something wrong with my glass. It's empty! You know what? Hell, just bring the whole bottle and charge it to the room.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm afraid you can't afford it, Billy.
Lieutenant Disher: Think you guys won the jackpot? We got news for you, Billy. We got your numbers. Number. Number. We got your number. Num- Numbers?