Dr. Polanski: I don't think you have to worry. As I said, it's not very contagious. I've been practicing for 15 years. I've only seen one case first-hand.
Adrian Monk: I can't do it. I just... I- I can't do it.
Dr. Polanski: Well, how about this? If you do contract the disease I'll treat you for free.
Adrian Monk: The hell are you talking about? How about this? We never call the guy back. We don't see him again. I avoid him like the plague. Yeah, you know what? Exactly like the plague.

Natalie: Mr. Monk. Did you hear what he just said?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: He said it's almost impossible to catch.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. In that sentence, for me, the word "almost" is really the most interesting word.

Natalie: You are overreacting, all right? All you did was shake a man's hand.
Adrian Monk: You're right. You know what? I'm glad it happened. The worst possible thing that could ever happen to me has happened. I shook hands with a leper. And I survived.
Natalie: Exactly.
Adrian Monk: The worst moment of my life is behind me now. I'm free. Wait. [Monk reorients a pan] Okay, now I'm free.

Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Julie Teeger: Making a snack.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no. No, I promised your mother. No junk food.
Julie Teeger: You promised?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I am the babysitter.
Julie Teeger: Um, I don't think so. My mom said I was babysitting you.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Julie Teeger: Are you getting paid?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Julie Teeger: How much?
Adrian Monk: You know, that's between your mother and me. Why? How much are you getting?
Julie Teeger: $8 an hour.
Adrian Monk: An hour? I guess you're the sitter.

Lieutenant Disher: Why don't you wait downstairs, Mrs. Kennedy? And we'll take a look around for you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.
[Disher walks over to the piano and starts playing the original Monk theme song]
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Lieutenant Disher: Background music.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, they don't keep playing the same thing over and over.
Lieutenant Disher: Sure, they do.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hard to concentrate.
Lieutenant Disher: Isn't it?

Natalie: Um, actually, Mr. Monk, it's not completely over. Uh, don't be mad. But I talked to Mr. Bronson.
Adrian Monk: You did what? What?!
Natalie: He called here this morning.
Adrian Monk: The leper?! He called me? On what phone? On this... On this phone?
Natalie: Yes. [Monk throws the phone in the trash] Mr. Monk, you can't catch anything over the phone.
Adrian Monk: And now, all of the sudden, you're an expert on lepers?

Adrian Monk: Natalie!
Natalie: Oh, God.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, listen.
Julie Teeger: Mom.
Natalie: [pours water into mouth] Hotter! Need it hotter.
Julie Teeger: Mom, are you okay?
Natalie: I'm fine, honey.
Julie Teeger: How was the date?
Natalie: Oh, it was great. Sweetheart, I need you to do me something. I need you to go upstairs and fill the bathtub with Listerine. Go, go, go, go, go!

Judge Lawrence Barr: Well, Mr. Bronson's nephews have been waiting a long time for this estate to be probated. I'm reluctant to make a decision based on one man's testimony.
Mandy's Lawyer: Your Honor, Adrian Monk is not just anyone. His memory and powers of observation are legendary.
Judge Lawrence Barr: Well, there's a lot at stake here. You say he has a great memory. Mr. Monk. Would you mind standing up and turning around? [Monk does so] Could you describe my shirt?
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Judge Lawrence Barr: Which one?
Adrian Monk: The shirt you're wearing, or the shirt your stenographer is wearing? That's your shirt, too, isn't it?
Judge Lawrence Barr: Uh...
Adrian Monk: You cut yourself shaving, and there's a tiny drop of blood on her collar.
Judge Lawrence Barr: What are you implying?
Adrian Monk: You were having a sex affair with her on that couch. The cushions are backwards. And one of her earrings fell off. It's, um it's right here. She must have torn her blouse. I can see it sticking out of her briefcase. Your Honor.
Judge Lawrence Barr: I'm ready with my decision. I will accept Mr. Monk's word that he met with Derek Bronson. Therefore, Mrs. Bronson will retain control of the entire estate.

Adrian Monk: Enjoy your fries.
Julie Teeger: "Since 1840." Who needed ketchup in 1840?
Adrian Monk: The security panel.
Julie Teeger: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: The security panel in Bronson's house! Bendis Security, founded 2003. The leper said he hadn't been home in seven years. How did he know about that alarm system? Julie, I was duped. It was all a con.
Julie Teeger: A "leper-con."
Adrian Monk: What?
Julie Teeger: Was he magically delicious?

Adrian Monk: Hello. Your liquor license is expired. It's probably all right. My name is Adrian Monk. I'm meeting someone.
Derek Bronson: Mr. Monk? Thank you for coming. Sit down. I know your work. I'm a big fan.
Adrian Monk: There's, uh, more light over there.
Derek Bronson: I prefer the dark. You obviously got my note.
Adrian Monk: And the money. $500 to meet you alone, ten minutes. It's very generous.
Derek Bronson: There's more where that came from. I have a job to offer you, Mr. Monk. It will take you one night. Not even one night. Two hours. I'm willing to pay you $20,000 for your trouble. My name is Derek Bronson.
Adrian Monk: Bronson? Bronson Technologies. I thought he...
Derek Bronson: You... You thought I was dead. Most days, I wish I was. I was ballooning solo up the coast. I'd done it a thousand times. That day, seven years ago, the trade wind shifted. Everybody assumed I was lost at sea. Actually, I landed on a small island west of Guam.
Adrian Monk: And you stayed there for seven years?
Derek Bronson: I could've come back years ago. But I got sick. Would you like to hear about the job?
Adrian Monk: Yes, of course. But first, I have a couple of questions. Sick is a funny word. Could mean anything from a mild headache to...
Derek Bronson: When I say sick, I mean sick. Mr. Monk, I am a leper.