Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Mr. Monk and the Leper’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Leper

510. Mr. Monk and the Leper

Aired December 22, 2006

Monk must face his fear of germs when he is approached by a missing billionaire with leprosy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Polanski: I don't think you have to worry. As I said, it's not very contagious. I've been practicing for 15 years. I've only seen one case first-hand.
Adrian Monk: I can't do it. I just... I- I can't do it.
Dr. Polanski: Well, how about this? If you do contract the disease I'll treat you for free.
Adrian Monk: The hell are you talking about? How about this? We never call the guy back. We don't see him again. I avoid him like the plague. Yeah, you know what? Exactly like the plague.

Rate

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk. Did you hear what he just said?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: He said it's almost impossible to catch.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. In that sentence, for me, the word "almost" is really the most interesting word.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: You are overreacting, all right? All you did was shake a man's hand.
Adrian Monk: You're right. You know what? I'm glad it happened. The worst possible thing that could ever happen to me has happened. I shook hands with a leper. And I survived.
Natalie: Exactly.
Adrian Monk: The worst moment of my life is behind me now. I'm free. Wait. [Monk reorients a pan] Okay, now I'm free.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Why don't you wait downstairs, Mrs. Kennedy? And we'll take a look around for you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.
[Disher walks over to the piano and starts playing the original Monk theme song]
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Lieutenant Disher: Background music.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, they don't keep playing the same thing over and over.
Lieutenant Disher: Sure, they do.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hard to concentrate.
Lieutenant Disher: Isn't it?

Quote from Julie Teeger

Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Julie Teeger: Making a snack.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no. No, I promised your mother. No junk food.
Julie Teeger: You promised?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I am the babysitter.
Julie Teeger: Um, I don't think so. My mom said I was babysitting you.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Julie Teeger: Are you getting paid?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Julie Teeger: How much?
Adrian Monk: You know, that's between your mother and me. Why? How much are you getting?
Julie Teeger: $8 an hour.
Adrian Monk: An hour? I guess you're the sitter.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Um, actually, Mr. Monk, it's not completely over. Uh, don't be mad. But I talked to Mr. Bronson.
Adrian Monk: You did what? What?!
Natalie: He called here this morning.
Adrian Monk: The leper?! He called me? On what phone? On this... On this phone?
Natalie: Yes. [Monk throws the phone in the trash] Mr. Monk, you can't catch anything over the phone.
Adrian Monk: And now, all of the sudden, you're an expert on lepers?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Judge Lawrence Barr: Well, Mr. Bronson's nephews have been waiting a long time for this estate to be probated. I'm reluctant to make a decision based on one man's testimony.
Mandy's Lawyer: Your Honor, Adrian Monk is not just anyone. His memory and powers of observation are legendary.
Judge Lawrence Barr: Well, there's a lot at stake here. You say he has a great memory. Mr. Monk. Would you mind standing up and turning around? [Monk does so] Could you describe my shirt?
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Judge Lawrence Barr: Which one?
Adrian Monk: The shirt you're wearing, or the shirt your stenographer is wearing? That's your shirt, too, isn't it?
Judge Lawrence Barr: Uh...
Adrian Monk: You cut yourself shaving, and there's a tiny drop of blood on her collar.
Judge Lawrence Barr: What are you implying?
Adrian Monk: You were having a sex affair with her on that couch. The cushions are backwards. And one of her earrings fell off. It's, um it's right here. She must have torn her blouse. I can see it sticking out of her briefcase. Your Honor.
Judge Lawrence Barr: I'm ready with my decision. I will accept Mr. Monk's word that he met with Derek Bronson. Therefore, Mrs. Bronson will retain control of the entire estate.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Adrian Monk: Enjoy your fries.
Julie Teeger: "Since 1840." Who needed ketchup in 1840?
Adrian Monk: The security panel.
Julie Teeger: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: The security panel in Bronson's house! Bendis Security, founded 2003. The leper said he hadn't been home in seven years. How did he know about that alarm system? Julie, I was duped. It was all a con.
Julie Teeger: A "leper-con."
Adrian Monk: What?
Julie Teeger: Was he magically delicious?

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Natalie!
Natalie: Oh, God.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, listen.
Julie Teeger: Mom.
Natalie: [pours water into mouth] Hotter! Need it hotter.
Julie Teeger: Mom, are you okay?
Natalie: I'm fine, honey.
Julie Teeger: How was the date?
Natalie: Oh, it was great. Sweetheart, I need you to do me something. I need you to go upstairs and fill the bathtub with Listerine. Go, go, go, go, go!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hello. Your liquor license is expired. It's probably all right. My name is Adrian Monk. I'm meeting someone.
Derek Bronson: Mr. Monk? Thank you for coming. Sit down. I know your work. I'm a big fan.
Adrian Monk: There's, uh, more light over there.
Derek Bronson: I prefer the dark. You obviously got my note.
Adrian Monk: And the money. $500 to meet you alone, ten minutes. It's very generous.
Derek Bronson: There's more where that came from. I have a job to offer you, Mr. Monk. It will take you one night. Not even one night. Two hours. I'm willing to pay you $20,000 for your trouble. My name is Derek Bronson.
Adrian Monk: Bronson? Bronson Technologies. I thought he...
Derek Bronson: You... You thought I was dead. Most days, I wish I was. I was ballooning solo up the coast. I'd done it a thousand times. That day, seven years ago, the trade wind shifted. Everybody assumed I was lost at sea. Actually, I landed on a small island west of Guam.
Adrian Monk: And you stayed there for seven years?
Derek Bronson: I could've come back years ago. But I got sick. Would you like to hear about the job?
Adrian Monk: Yes, of course. But first, I have a couple of questions. Sick is a funny word. Could mean anything from a mild headache to...
Derek Bronson: When I say sick, I mean sick. Mr. Monk, I am a leper.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: There you are. I was getting worried about you.
Adrian Monk: Just get in. Get in. Start the car!
Natalie: Well, what happened?
Adrian Monk: Tell you later. Let's get out of here. What are you doing? Unlock the door!
Natalie: It's a new car.
Adrian Monk: Natalie. Please!
Natalie: It must be this button. I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Forget it!
Natalie: Oh, wait. Mr. Monk, where are you going?
Adrian Monk: I'll meet you back at the house.
Natalie: Wait, Mr. Monk. I got it, I got it, I got it. Mr. Monk, I got it.
Adrian Monk: [keeps running] No, I got it!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Any more soap?
Natalie: That's it.
Adrian Monk: No, I mean is there any more soap in San Francisco?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you've been scrubbing your hand for nine hours. I'm surprised you have any skin left.
Adrian Monk: It's not coming out. I can still feel it. I think it's spreading.
Natalie: What are you doing? Is that kerosene?
Adrian Monk: Light me.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: For the love of God, light me!
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, I'm not gonna light your hand on fire.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: You know, he's a nice man, all right? He's in pain. He was crying his eyes out. And, okay, listen to me. He upped his offer. He said he would pay you $25,000. All you have to do is meet him again.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, listen. Let me explain something to you. ... No!
Natalie: That's it? That's your argument?
Adrian Monk: Okay, let's go through it. A, whatever he's asking us to do is probably illegal. B through Z, the man is a leper!

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: [to Monk] Are you okay? Are you holding your breath?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Polanski: For one thing, it's not called leprosy anymore. It's called Hansen's disease. It's quite rare. Most people are naturally immune to it. And if you do happen to contract it, it's easily treatable with an antibiotic called halazzen.
Natalie: See, I've been talking to this man. He wants to hire us. But he's allergic to halazzen.
Dr. Polanski: Yes, that does happen. Is his condition full-blown?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes. Yeah. Yes, yes. Yes, full-blown. Full... blown!
Dr. Polanski: Sir?
Adrian Monk: Full-blown.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Okay, Mr. Bronson has an affliction. He needs our compassion and understanding. You know what? Let me let you in on a little secret, Mr. Monk. You're no picnic, either. A lot of people would rather not deal with you, but they do. They reach out to you. And Mr. Bronson is offering us a lot of money to do the same thing. And I've been talking to him. You wouldn't even have to shake his hand.
Adrian Monk: Good. Good. Because I would rather die than have to shake his hand again.
Natalie: You don't even have to look at him. All you have to do is go back to that bar and sit and listen to what he has to say. You just sit there and listen.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Derek Bronson: I had an affair. That was my first mistake. She wrote me some letters, which I kept. That was mistake number two. In a week, there'll be a probate hearing. I'll be officially declared dead. The vultures are gonna go through my office, reading every file, opening every drawer. They'll find the letters. The letters themselves don't mean anything to me. But they would destroy my wife. Mr. Monk, I want to hire you to break into my home, find the letters, and bring them back.
Adrian Monk: That's the job?
Derek Bronson: It's still my house. So you wouldn't be breaking any law.
Adrian Monk: Why don't you just do it yourself?
Derek Bronson: I tried. I- I just couldn't do it. That house that life, everything I've lost. It's just too painful. I've drawn you a map. Everything you need. The layout, the security codes.
Adrian Monk: I just have one question. Why me? I'm not a thief.
Derek Bronson: Exactly. You're an honorable man. You won't turn around and try to blackmail me. Mr. Monk, I am at your mercy. I'm reaching out to you.
Adrian Monk: That's okay. I get it. You don't have to really reach. I get it.
Derek Bronson: Will you help me?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Be careful.
Natalie: I could use some help.
Adrian Monk: I am helping. I just told you to be careful.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Wish we had more time.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. It has to be tonight. The leper said his wife goes into town every Friday to visit her mother.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, please stop calling him "the leper." He has a name.
Adrian Monk: Believe me, he's got other things to worry about.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: I opened the gate.
Adrian Monk: Good thinking. Okay, hold the ladder.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, the gate is open.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, look. These are the leper's instructions. I promised him I would follow them to a tee. We nodded on it.
Natalie: Well, I'm using the gate.
Adrian Monk: Okay, but don't tell the leper.

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode