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‘Mr. Monk and the Leper’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Leper

510. Mr. Monk and the Leper

Aired December 22, 2006

Monk must face his fear of germs when he is approached by a missing billionaire with leprosy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Polanski: I don't think you have to worry. As I said, it's not very contagious. I've been practicing for 15 years. I've only seen one case first-hand.
Adrian Monk: I can't do it. I just... I- I can't do it.
Dr. Polanski: Well, how about this? If you do contract the disease I'll treat you for free.
Adrian Monk: The hell are you talking about? How about this? We never call the guy back. We don't see him again. I avoid him like the plague. Yeah, you know what? Exactly like the plague.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk. Did you hear what he just said?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: He said it's almost impossible to catch.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. In that sentence, for me, the word "almost" is really the most interesting word.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: You are overreacting, all right? All you did was shake a man's hand.
Adrian Monk: You're right. You know what? I'm glad it happened. The worst possible thing that could ever happen to me has happened. I shook hands with a leper. And I survived.
Natalie: Exactly.
Adrian Monk: The worst moment of my life is behind me now. I'm free. Wait. [Monk reorients a pan] Okay, now I'm free.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Why don't you wait downstairs, Mrs. Kennedy? And we'll take a look around for you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.
[Disher walks over to the piano and starts playing the original Monk theme song]
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Lieutenant Disher: Background music.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, they don't keep playing the same thing over and over.
Lieutenant Disher: Sure, they do.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hard to concentrate.
Lieutenant Disher: Isn't it?

Quote from Julie Teeger

Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Julie Teeger: Making a snack.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no. No, I promised your mother. No junk food.
Julie Teeger: You promised?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I am the babysitter.
Julie Teeger: Um, I don't think so. My mom said I was babysitting you.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Julie Teeger: Are you getting paid?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Julie Teeger: How much?
Adrian Monk: You know, that's between your mother and me. Why? How much are you getting?
Julie Teeger: $8 an hour.
Adrian Monk: An hour? I guess you're the sitter.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Um, actually, Mr. Monk, it's not completely over. Uh, don't be mad. But I talked to Mr. Bronson.
Adrian Monk: You did what? What?!
Natalie: He called here this morning.
Adrian Monk: The leper?! He called me? On what phone? On this... On this phone?
Natalie: Yes. [Monk throws the phone in the trash] Mr. Monk, you can't catch anything over the phone.
Adrian Monk: And now, all of the sudden, you're an expert on lepers?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Judge Lawrence Barr: Well, Mr. Bronson's nephews have been waiting a long time for this estate to be probated. I'm reluctant to make a decision based on one man's testimony.
Mandy's Lawyer: Your Honor, Adrian Monk is not just anyone. His memory and powers of observation are legendary.
Judge Lawrence Barr: Well, there's a lot at stake here. You say he has a great memory. Mr. Monk. Would you mind standing up and turning around? [Monk does so] Could you describe my shirt?
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Judge Lawrence Barr: Which one?
Adrian Monk: The shirt you're wearing, or the shirt your stenographer is wearing? That's your shirt, too, isn't it?
Judge Lawrence Barr: Uh...
Adrian Monk: You cut yourself shaving, and there's a tiny drop of blood on her collar.
Judge Lawrence Barr: What are you implying?
Adrian Monk: You were having a sex affair with her on that couch. The cushions are backwards. And one of her earrings fell off. It's, um it's right here. She must have torn her blouse. I can see it sticking out of her briefcase. Your Honor.
Judge Lawrence Barr: I'm ready with my decision. I will accept Mr. Monk's word that he met with Derek Bronson. Therefore, Mrs. Bronson will retain control of the entire estate.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Adrian Monk: Enjoy your fries.
Julie Teeger: "Since 1840." Who needed ketchup in 1840?
Adrian Monk: The security panel.
Julie Teeger: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: The security panel in Bronson's house! Bendis Security, founded 2003. The leper said he hadn't been home in seven years. How did he know about that alarm system? Julie, I was duped. It was all a con.
Julie Teeger: A "leper-con."
Adrian Monk: What?
Julie Teeger: Was he magically delicious?

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Natalie!
Natalie: Oh, God.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, listen.
Julie Teeger: Mom.
Natalie: [pours water into mouth] Hotter! Need it hotter.
Julie Teeger: Mom, are you okay?
Natalie: I'm fine, honey.
Julie Teeger: How was the date?
Natalie: Oh, it was great. Sweetheart, I need you to do me something. I need you to go upstairs and fill the bathtub with Listerine. Go, go, go, go, go!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hello. Your liquor license is expired. It's probably all right. My name is Adrian Monk. I'm meeting someone.
Derek Bronson: Mr. Monk? Thank you for coming. Sit down. I know your work. I'm a big fan.
Adrian Monk: There's, uh, more light over there.
Derek Bronson: I prefer the dark. You obviously got my note.
Adrian Monk: And the money. $500 to meet you alone, ten minutes. It's very generous.
Derek Bronson: There's more where that came from. I have a job to offer you, Mr. Monk. It will take you one night. Not even one night. Two hours. I'm willing to pay you $20,000 for your trouble. My name is Derek Bronson.
Adrian Monk: Bronson? Bronson Technologies. I thought he...
Derek Bronson: You... You thought I was dead. Most days, I wish I was. I was ballooning solo up the coast. I'd done it a thousand times. That day, seven years ago, the trade wind shifted. Everybody assumed I was lost at sea. Actually, I landed on a small island west of Guam.
Adrian Monk: And you stayed there for seven years?
Derek Bronson: I could've come back years ago. But I got sick. Would you like to hear about the job?
Adrian Monk: Yes, of course. But first, I have a couple of questions. Sick is a funny word. Could mean anything from a mild headache to...
Derek Bronson: When I say sick, I mean sick. Mr. Monk, I am a leper.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: There you are. I was getting worried about you.
Adrian Monk: Just get in. Get in. Start the car!
Natalie: Well, what happened?
Adrian Monk: Tell you later. Let's get out of here. What are you doing? Unlock the door!
Natalie: It's a new car.
Adrian Monk: Natalie. Please!
Natalie: It must be this button. I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Forget it!
Natalie: Oh, wait. Mr. Monk, where are you going?
Adrian Monk: I'll meet you back at the house.
Natalie: Wait, Mr. Monk. I got it, I got it, I got it. Mr. Monk, I got it.
Adrian Monk: [keeps running] No, I got it!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Any more soap?
Natalie: That's it.
Adrian Monk: No, I mean is there any more soap in San Francisco?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you've been scrubbing your hand for nine hours. I'm surprised you have any skin left.
Adrian Monk: It's not coming out. I can still feel it. I think it's spreading.
Natalie: What are you doing? Is that kerosene?
Adrian Monk: Light me.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: For the love of God, light me!
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, I'm not gonna light your hand on fire.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: You know, he's a nice man, all right? He's in pain. He was crying his eyes out. And, okay, listen to me. He upped his offer. He said he would pay you $25,000. All you have to do is meet him again.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, listen. Let me explain something to you. ... No!
Natalie: That's it? That's your argument?
Adrian Monk: Okay, let's go through it. A, whatever he's asking us to do is probably illegal. B through Z, the man is a leper!

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: [to Monk] Are you okay? Are you holding your breath?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Polanski: For one thing, it's not called leprosy anymore. It's called Hansen's disease. It's quite rare. Most people are naturally immune to it. And if you do happen to contract it, it's easily treatable with an antibiotic called halazzen.
Natalie: See, I've been talking to this man. He wants to hire us. But he's allergic to halazzen.
Dr. Polanski: Yes, that does happen. Is his condition full-blown?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes. Yeah. Yes, yes. Yes, full-blown. Full... blown!
Dr. Polanski: Sir?
Adrian Monk: Full-blown.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Okay, Mr. Bronson has an affliction. He needs our compassion and understanding. You know what? Let me let you in on a little secret, Mr. Monk. You're no picnic, either. A lot of people would rather not deal with you, but they do. They reach out to you. And Mr. Bronson is offering us a lot of money to do the same thing. And I've been talking to him. You wouldn't even have to shake his hand.
Adrian Monk: Good. Good. Because I would rather die than have to shake his hand again.
Natalie: You don't even have to look at him. All you have to do is go back to that bar and sit and listen to what he has to say. You just sit there and listen.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Derek Bronson: I had an affair. That was my first mistake. She wrote me some letters, which I kept. That was mistake number two. In a week, there'll be a probate hearing. I'll be officially declared dead. The vultures are gonna go through my office, reading every file, opening every drawer. They'll find the letters. The letters themselves don't mean anything to me. But they would destroy my wife. Mr. Monk, I want to hire you to break into my home, find the letters, and bring them back.
Adrian Monk: That's the job?
Derek Bronson: It's still my house. So you wouldn't be breaking any law.
Adrian Monk: Why don't you just do it yourself?
Derek Bronson: I tried. I- I just couldn't do it. That house that life, everything I've lost. It's just too painful. I've drawn you a map. Everything you need. The layout, the security codes.
Adrian Monk: I just have one question. Why me? I'm not a thief.
Derek Bronson: Exactly. You're an honorable man. You won't turn around and try to blackmail me. Mr. Monk, I am at your mercy. I'm reaching out to you.
Adrian Monk: That's okay. I get it. You don't have to really reach. I get it.
Derek Bronson: Will you help me?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Be careful.
Natalie: I could use some help.
Adrian Monk: I am helping. I just told you to be careful.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Wish we had more time.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. It has to be tonight. The leper said his wife goes into town every Friday to visit her mother.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, please stop calling him "the leper." He has a name.
Adrian Monk: Believe me, he's got other things to worry about.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: I opened the gate.
Adrian Monk: Good thinking. Okay, hold the ladder.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, the gate is open.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, look. These are the leper's instructions. I promised him I would follow them to a tee. We nodded on it.
Natalie: Well, I'm using the gate.
Adrian Monk: Okay, but don't tell the leper.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Mandy Bronson: Freeze! Don't move. I'm calling the police.
Adrian Monk: You-you-you You're supposed to be at your mother's.
Mandy Bronson: My mother died five years ago. What are those? What are those? Throw them here now. Now!
Natalie: Mrs. Bronson, you don't want to read those.
Mandy Bronson: Who sent you?
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing.
Mandy Bronson: I said who sent you?
Natalie: Your husband.
Mandy Bronson: Derek? He's alive? Is he okay?
Adrian Monk: Well... "Okay" is a funny word.
Mandy Bronson: So you've seen him?
Adrian Monk: Most of him.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Mandy Bronson: Where is he? Can you take me to him?
Natalie: Mrs. Bronson, you need to trust us. There are reasons why your husband cannot see you.
Mandy Bronson: What, because of these? These don't mean a thing. I've known about this girl for years. Please. I have to see him.
Natalie: That's not a good idea.
Adrian Monk: Trust us.
Mandy Bronson: Or I can have you both arrested right now for breaking and entering.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: "Wife Claims Missing Billionaire Husband Still Alive. Probate hearing is set for tomorrow.
Former homicide detective Adrian Monk is set to testify." What the hell's Hansen's disease?
Adrian Monk: Leprosy. He's a leper.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: I thought they lived in colonies. You know, like in Ben Hur.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And, uh, you met this guy face-to-face?
Natalie: Yep, he's a client. He called us. He needed our help. Mr. Monk put aside all his fear and prejudice and offered to do what he could, and I am very, very proud of him.
Adrian Monk: I shook his hand. I can still feel it.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Natalie: He's not at all contagious. We talked to a specialist. Randy, I think you might know him. Dr. Polanski?
Lieutenant Disher: No.
Natalie: Aaron Polanski?
Lieutenant Disher: Can't say that I do.
Natalie: Really? Because we thought we saw your picture hanging up in his office.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. It was a case. I was undercover, posing as a kid, a teenager with bad acne. Captain, you remember that case?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're on your own, Randy.

Quote from Natalie

Dr. Polanski: [as they kiss] Boy, this must be the best first date in the history of first dates.
Natalie: Maybe we should quit while we're ahead.
Dr. Polanski: I'm so glad your boss needed my help.
Natalie: Mm, me, too.
Dr. Polanski: Whatever happened with that case?
Natalie: Oh, it's over. Bronson went back to his leper colony on Camino Island. He says he loves it there.
Dr. Polanski: Really? Well, you know, I can believe it. I've seen some colonies in Africa. They're like four-star hotels.
Natalie: You really are an expert.
Dr. Polanski: Well, I should be.
Natalie: Why is that?
Dr. Polanski: Well, you remember I said I knew one person with leprosy? It was me.
Natalie: What was you?
Dr. Polanski: I had it as a kid. Leprosy. Hansen's disease. [Natalie stops kissing him] Well, don't worry. I'm completely cured. Yeah, actually, it's why I became a doctor.
Natalie: Oh.
Dr. Polanski: Yeah. It's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Natalie: Really. Imagine that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Listen to this.
Natalie: I gotta tell you something.
Adrian Monk: We've been duped!
Natalie: I've been duped!
Adrian Monk: Are you ready for this?
Natalie: You're not gonna believe this.
Adrian Monk: He's not a leper.
Natalie: He's a leper!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You have the camera? You better have the camera.
Natalie: What are we looking for?
Adrian Monk: Evidence, proof, anything. Oh, how could I not have seen it? Derek Bronson is not a leper. Hey, watch it. Derek Bronson is dead. His wife killed him seven years ago. And she's been living off his money ever since. I mean, she... [Natalie spits out mouthwash] Watch the shoes. [Natalie gargles more mouthwash] She knew that when he was declared dead officially, the will would kick in, the nephews would get everything, and the party would be over. So she found someone who resembled Derek. And she either hired him or seduced him to suddenly "reappear." [Natalie spits out mouthwash and gargles more] Will you please? That's why they chose me. Adrian Monk, the perfect patsy. They knew about my problems. They knew I'd never take a good look at the guy. [Natalie spits out more mouthwash] So there never really was a leper. Except for the guy you were making out with all night. [Natalie starts downing the mouthwash] Are you drinking that? Where's the woman who's been lecturing me all week about compassion and tolerance?
Natalie: Okay, you know? It's not funny. You didn't have your tongue down his throat.
Adrian Monk: I shook hands with one. That's bad enough.
Natalie: Your leper wasn't even a real leper.
Adrian Monk: I thought he was real.
Natalie: My leper was the real deal.
Adrian Monk: That's what counts. You know the old saying, "There is no heart so black as the black, black heart of the phony leper?"
Natalie: No, I never heard that one.
Adrian Monk: Well, it's a saying.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Oh, hey, I, uh, I hear you're dating a friend of mine. Natalie Teeger. [puts hand on Polanski's shoulder]
Dr. Polanski: Oh, yeah, she's amazing. But I don't think it's gonna happen. Well, she reacted pretty badly when I told her I used to have leprosy.
Lieutenant Disher: [takes hand off Polanski's shoulder] Really? She couldn't handle it, huh? Some people.
Dr. Polanski: Actually, I-I've been trying to reach her to give her a heads up. I think Derek Bronson lied to her. I mean, he told her he's been living on Camino Island. But I checked this morning, and it turns out the leper colony there has been closed for two years.
Lieutenant Disher: Really?
Dr. Polanski: I mean, maybe that guy wasn't really Bronson. I mean, all those bandages.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, no, I mean, the wife met him. It's funny, though. We- We're working on another case, missing persons. We were gonna talk to Monk about it. We found a makeup kit and a book on skin diseases. Huh. I think I'm gonna stop by and have a chat with the wife. Thanks, Doc.
Dr. Polanski: Can I come with you? If- If- If Natalie is in trouble, I'd just, I'd like to be there.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, sure.
Dr. Polanski: Oh, that's great. Thank you.
Lieutenant Disher: Why don't we, uh, take separate cars?
Dr. Polanski: Randy, I'm not contagious.
Lieutenant Disher: No, that's not what I meant. Is that what you thought I meant?
Dr. Polanski: I mean, is that what you... Seemed like that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I'm down here! Down- Down here!
Dr. Polanski: Take my hand. You can do it.
Adrian Monk: Is there- Is there anybody else up there? Could you look around please?
Dr. Polanski: Take my hand, or you'll die! [Monk looks around] Mr. Monk! Mr. Monk!
Adrian Monk: ... I'm thinking.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: What's the matter? Hey, is the necklace too much?
Julie Teeger: Mom, you look hot. You must really like this guy. You're not scared?
Natalie: No, why would I be scared?
Julie Teeger: Well, um, Mr. Monk, he said...
Natalie: We can't all live by Mr. Monk's rules. What kind of world would this be?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Polanski: Uh, is that Monk? Adrian. Did you get my message?
Adrian Monk: Hey, Doc. I meant to call you. I'm not much of a golfer, but thanks for the invite.
Dr. Polanski: What are you cooking? Maybe we should stay in tonight.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. You go have fun. You go out. Go, go, go, go, go. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've got a little bit of a cold. I'd hate for you to catch it, and I just mopped the floor. I got a little bit of a cold.
Dr. Polanski: Cold?
Adrian Monk: And I just mopped the floor. [coughs]
Dr. Polanski: Yeah, okay. I'll, uh, I'll catch you next time.
Adrian Monk: Catch you next time. [coughs]


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