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‘Mr. Monk, Private Eye’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk, Private Eye

505. Mr. Monk, Private Eye

Aired August 4, 2006

After Natalie pushes Monk to set up his own private investigation agency, the first job they get is a seemingly simple fender-bender.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Wait. I can't go. The boat is on the water. I don't do water.
Natalie: You can't swim?
Adrian Monk: To be honest, I don't know.
Natalie: You don't know.
Adrian Monk: I mean, I know how to swim technically. I've just never actually, you know, done it. All right, I took a correspondence course.
Natalie: You learned to swim by mail?
Adrian Monk: They sent me a little diploma. And this.
Natalie: "Swimming Fundamentals. Don't panic. Breathe normally. Keep kicking."
Adrian Monk: Can I have that back?
Natalie: Why did you even take the course? You never go near the water.
Adrian Monk: Hello? Tsunamis.

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Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Okay, there it is. That's his boat. All right, so his car wasn't in the lot, so, uh... Let's do it.
Adrian Monk: Wait. Don't. We don't have a warrant.
Natalie: We don't need a warrant. It's a boat.
Adrian Monk: Well, that's completely false, but it sounds good.
Natalie: Let's do it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Okay, so I've been thinking about this. And, uh I think you should start your own company. Be a private investigator. I mean, really go for it. Hire a PR person. Be aggressive. Advertise. Get new clients.
Adrian Monk: Uh...
Natalie: Mr. Monk, there are other detectives out there with a fraction of your talent who are getting rich. You're Adrian Monk. People will pay a fortune to hire you.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that's something to think about.
Natalie: I thought you'd say that, so I did what Grandpa Neville did, and I took the initiative.
Adrian Monk: "A. Monk. Private Investigations" $85? That's 85 cents a card.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, that doesn't matter. You can't be afraid to take risks.
Adrian Monk: I think I can. In fact, I think I already am. Hold on. Germs, heights, snakes, milk, needles, risk. Yeah, it's on there. Number six.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Let's see, Barbara. "I am into yoga, pilates, getting in touch with my spirituality..." Been there, married that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: [answers phone] Adrian Monk Investigations. What is the nature of your problem?
Adrian Monk: I'm being kept in a room against my will.
Natalie: You were kidnapped? Oh, my God. Hold on, hold on. Do you know who did it?
Adrian Monk: Yes, it's my personal assistant. Her name is Natalie Teeger. Natalie...

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Can I open my eyes now?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, your eyes are opened.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Linda Fusco: I think I'm a little jealous. Are you seeing other clients behind my back?
Natalie: Ms. Fusco, no, no, no. These aren't clients. These are former colleagues. This is Randy Disher, and this is
Captain Stottlemeyer: Captain Leland Stottlemeyer.
Linda Fusco: Linda Fusco.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know who you are. I've seen your billboards. Actually, we just saw one yesterday.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain said that you looked really-- Nothing. He didn't say anything which is strange, because he's usually pretty talkative. The sign said that you were the number one realtor in Northern California.
Linda Fusco: Tell me something I don't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The elephant's the only mammal that can't jump.
Linda Fusco: Pardon me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You said tell you something you don't know. And I told you that the only mammal who can't jump is your elephant.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Are you sure you're okay?
Adrian Monk: When I was a detective or a consultant, I would point to the bad guy, and the cops would go in. And they would get shot at, or beat up, or hit in the stomach. And it was a wonderful system. See, everybody was happy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: What's going on?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm making lunch.
Natalie: And what's wrong with those?
Adrian Monk: Those are not quite up to snuff. You know me. It's got to be snuff.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: What's that?
Natalie: It's a surprise. Did I ever tell you about my grandpa, Neville Davenport?
Adrian Monk: No. Is he in the box?
Natalie: He was a great man. You remind me of him, actually. He was an assistant pharmacist in London. And then, when he was about your age, he completely changed his life. Just like that. He quit his job and started a toothpaste company in England. A toothpaste company in England! I mean, talk about optimism. And now, it's the third biggest brand in the world after Colgate and Crest.
Adrian Monk: I love that story. I guess my favorite part is about the toothpaste company.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, there's a point to this story.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. I've been listening very carefully.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: You know what Grandpa Neville's favorite expression was? "Leap and a net will appear."
Adrian Monk: Well, he sounds like a very pleasant, very insane person. It's not even at the right address.
Natalie: Yes, it is.
Adrian Monk: No, it isn't. Shunpike Road. That's all the way downtown.
Natalie: It's the right address.
Adrian Monk: It isn't.
Natalie: Yes, it is.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: When Grandpa Neville first started out, I swear to you his office looked just like this. Okay, so this is my desk. And yours is in there. So when the clients come in, they sit there. But then they come in here and talk to me. And if I think they're legit, then I send them in to you.
Adrian Monk: What clients?
Natalie: Oh, they'll be calling. I took out some ads on the Internet and in the phone book.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Natalie, you can't afford this.
Natalie: Actually, you're paying for it.
Adrian Monk: I can't afford this.
Natalie: Oh, yes, you can. Remember last month when you got that bonus after solving the Kensington case?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: That's because I used it for a down payment.
Adrian Monk: Grownups have a word for that. We call it embezzlement.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Don't tell me. Grandpa Neville.
Natalie: That's Grandpa Neville. Well, it's only fitting that we have his picture up. After all, he is our inspiration, right? Leap and a net will appear.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay, I appreciate what you're trying to do here. I really do, but I have a job. I am a consultant for the police department.
Natalie: Not full time. And, Mr. Monk, they haven't called in weeks.
Adrian Monk: Which is fine with me. I am not an ambitious man. I am not Grandpa Neville.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, that man lied to us. I need to talk to him again.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir. Oh, by the way, my cousin saw your profile on Make-A-Date.net. I didn't know you like bossa nova.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, that was, um... It was... There was an undercover sting operation going on with Vice. And... Okay, I admit it. I, um, I signed on. I was curious. Tell your cousin that I was just joking around.
Lieutenant Disher: That's okay. You can tell her yourself. You've been talking to her all week. She's Sexy In Sonoma.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait, that's your cousin?
Lieutenant Disher: When did you put in a hot tub?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I didn't put in a hot tub.
Lieutenant Disher: She said you put in a hot tub.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I had a hot tub when I was at the motel.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, that must be it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: It's been two days. You're human. You made a mistake.
Natalie: It's not a mistake.
Adrian Monk: It's a mistake.
Natalie: Okay, it took Grandpa Neville's business a whole year before it took off.
Adrian Monk: You know, not everybody feels the same way you do about Grandpa Neville. For example, I was just thinking how much fun it would be to dig up his body and poke it with a big stick.

Quote from Natalie

Linda Fusco: Who's Grandpa Neville? And why are we poking him with a stick? Adrian Monk? I'm Linda Fusco.
Natalie: Wait, do I know you? Are you an actress?
Linda Fusco: Real estate.
Natalie: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Linda Fusco Realty. On bus stops and billboards.
Linda Fusco: Wow, I can't believe Larry finally rented this dump out. How much is he getting, $3,000 a month?
Natalie: $3,200.
Linda Fusco: Whoa, boy. He's having you for lunch. Next time, you come to me. Adrian, I've been asking around.
Cops, reporters... And they all say that you are the man.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm a man.
Natalie: Oh, no, no, no. He's just being modest. He is the man. He is the gold standard. He is like Philip Marlowe and Sherlock Holmes just rolled into...
Linda Fusco: Sweetheart, I'm showing a condo in 20 minutes. So let's get this going. Follow me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Linda Fusco: This is a Lucerne 275 Northstar V8. I get a new Buick every year. It's my trademark. See?
Adrian Monk: There's a scratch.
Linda Fusco: It's a dent. It's a dent. Here and here. Son of a bitch. And he left this on the windshield. "Go to Nell." Adrian Monk: Who's Nell?
Natalie: Monk, I think that's an H.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Linda Fusco: It happened at the Marina Wednesday morning. I have a boat there. I got there at ten to six to pick something up, and then I came back...
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Fusco-
Linda Fusco: Ms. Fusco.
Adrian Monk: Miss Fusco.
Linda Fusco: Ms.
Adrian Monk: Linda. Linda, you must be insured.
Linda Fusco: But why should I pay for something that I didn't do? I love this car. This is my baby. And I want you to find that son-of-a-bitch, Mr. Adrian Monk, and make him pay for it.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Yeah, it's a matter of principle.
Linda Fusco: Exactly.
Natalie: We'll take the case. I'll draw up the contracts. We get $400 a day.
Linda Fusco: I'll pay you $3,000 if you catch the son-of-a-bitch. And if you don't, you get zip. I work on commission. Why shouldn't you?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: So, according to this snapshot, it looks like her Buick was parked over there. So maybe somebody backed up. What do you think?
Adrian Monk: Natalie, what are we doing here? I'm a homicide detective.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I know it's not the crime of the century, but someone did this to her, and Linda Fusco deserves justice too.
Adrian Monk: Okay, what's next? Getting cats out of trees? Chasing jaywalkers?
Natalie: You know, Grandpa Neville used to always say- Grandpa Neville used to say a man's reputation-
Adrian Monk: Okay, I'll do it. I'll do it. Anything but another Grandpa Neville story.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You're right. You're right. He backed out like this. He must've gone this way. He went the wrong way. Why was he going the wrong way? Video camera covering the exit. He didn't want to be taped.
Natalie: Ooh, ooh, ooh, that's good. Now we're cooking!
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Now we're cooking.
Natalie: So if he didn't want to be taped, why would he leave a note?
Adrian Monk: Maybe there was a witness. Somebody saw the accident, was watching him-- Maybe the perpetrator thought that if he just drove away, the witness would report it. So he got out and pretended to leave a note.
Natalie: Okay. All right. So we have to just find that witness. Where should we start?
Adrian Monk: We might wanna start with Bill Gibbard.
Natalie: Bill Gibbard. That's great. That's great! Oh, it's exciting!
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. This is a thrill a minute.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Hello, there. Hi. We're looking for Mr. Gibbard.
Capt. Bill Gibbard: Captain Gibbard, and you're looking at him. What's left of him. But I can't help you today, missy. Got bull-kelp. It's fouling my propeller something terrible every time I go out past the southeast barrier. Avoid the southeast barrier. That's my advice.
Natalie: Okay. That's some great advice. Thank you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Captain, this is Adrian Monk.
Capt. Bill Gibbard: Monk?
Natalie: Yeah, he's a private investigator. We wanted to talk to you about a car accident that happened in that parking lot on Wednesday morning at 6:00.
Capt. Bill Gibbard: I wasn't here.
Adrian Monk: Your sign says that you're here at dawn every day.
Capt. Bill Gibbard: Well, I guess I must've been. But I didn't see nothing.
Adrian Monk: You heard it though, right? It's only a couple hundred feet away.
Capt. Bill Gibbard: Are you calling me a liar, Mr. Monk? [shoves Monk]
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Capt. Bill Gibbard: I don't like private investigators.
Adrian Monk: Neither do I. It was her idea.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's just settle down here. Captain, if you happen to remember anything, could you please give us a call? Here's our card.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Natalie: It's our card.
Adrian Monk: It's 85 cents.
Natalie: Let go of the card, Mr. Monk. Let go of the card! Here you go. Thank you for your time, Captain. Let's go.
Adrian Monk: You owe me 85 cents.
Natalie: Fine. Take it out of my paycheck.
Adrian Monk: Don't think I won't.
Natalie: How'd you get so cheap? Really?
Adrian Monk: I work for a living! All right? At least, I used to. Now I just get bull-kelp splashed on me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I really think that's an N.
Natalie: It's not an N, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Well, what if it is? What if there is somebody out there named Nell who's got all the answers?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Is this Mitch?
Natalie: No, that's not Mitch! Does that look like Mitch?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know.
Natalie: That's my grandfather. That's Neville Davenport. He's our patron saint.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Was he a detective?
Adrian Monk: Nah. No. He was the famous toothpaste tycoon. Help me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: Help me! She's gone mad.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Natalie: Ms. Fusco, can we help you?
Linda Fusco: Yes, I would like to drop this off. Here is an estimate from the body shop. My new bumper's going to cost $900. And when you find this son-of-a-bitch, I want you to make him eat this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait a minute. This is your big case? A fender bender. How'd you keep this out of the paper?
Linda Fusco: It is important to me, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. By the way, sorry about the divorce. I've been in real estate for 14 years, and I can smell divorce from 100 yards away. Whose couch are you sleeping on?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Actually, I'm not sleeping on a couch.
Linda Fusco: It's a futon.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy.
Linda Fusco: Well, when you are ready for your own apartment, why don't you give me a call?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe I will.
Linda Fusco: Oh, I know you will. As a matter of fact, I could show you a couple of things right now.
Captain Stottlemeyer: As a matter of fact, I've got a little time right now. My car or yours?
Linda Fusco: No, I always do the driving.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'll bet you do. Let's go.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: All right. Let's get this over with. You know what happened on Wednesday morning and so do we.
Jay Bennett: You do?
Natalie: Are you gonna deny it?
Jay Bennett: I, uh... I don't think I should talk about this. I think I should call a lawyer.
Natalie: No. Oh, no, no, no. I don't think we need to drag lawyers into this. They're just gonna, you know... Blah, blah, blah... Make a federal case out of it.
Adrian Monk: It was an accident, right?
Jay Bennett: That's right.
Natalie: I mean, these things happen every day, right?
Jay Bennett: Uh, well...
Natalie: It's not a big deal.
Jay Bennett: Not a big deal? What kind of cop are you?
Adrian Monk: Come on, you pay a few bucks. Everybody walks away. It's like it never happened.
Jay Bennett: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about?
Jay Bennett: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: What's he talking about?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: We are talking about this. We have a client. You hit her Buick. And you damaged the fender.
Jay Bennett: Her fender?
Natalie: Yes, it's going to cost her $900. Plus, I think an apology would be nice.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, what did you think we were talking about?
Jay Bennett: I don't know, but you got the wrong guy.
Adrian Monk: The wrong guy? Come on! It's a new headlight.
Jay Bennett: You're so smart? Prove it. Excuse me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hold on. Wait a minute. I don't believe this.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: I'm actually starting to care about this case. This stupid $900 fender bender. How the hell did that happen?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Linda Fusco: There's brand-new carpeting. There's a washer and dryer in the basement. And there is a park right down the street for your kids. When they come to visit.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The one that we saw yesterday was bigger, right?
Linda Fusco: That's true, but this one has a better view.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How you figure?
Linda Fusco: You see this condo here with the umbrella on the balcony?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Linda Fusco: That's me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're right. The view is better.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: How much is it?
Linda Fusco: It's $2,250 a month, plus utilities.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know.
Linda Fusco: Leland, it's been five months. It's time to do this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Do you think?
Linda Fusco: Unfortunately, I speak from experience. I know you're in pain, but you can't go around it. You gotta go through it. Besides, we'll have something in common.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really? What's that?
Linda Fusco: I'll have a better view too.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: You don't have to worry. You're not even gonna get wet. Look, look, look, look. That boat is tied to the dock. The dock is bolted down. It's like part of the land. I'll stay here. If Dr. Bennett shows up, I'll whistle. Leap, and a net will appear.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Lieutenant. What's going on?
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, you know, a little bit of everything. We got a local fisherman drowned. M.E.'s on his way. And Monk is stowed away on a boat.
Natalie: And the boat took off.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Natalie: We were working on Linda's case.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The fender bender?
Natalie: Yeah, we have a suspect. Jay Bennett. And Mr. Monk snuck on the boat to look around. And it's all my fault. I just kept on pushing him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Jay Bennett. Dr. Jay Bennett? That name just came up on the missing schoolteacher, Anna Pollard.
Lieutenant Disher: His name's all over the phone records, too. I was just going through them. Dr. Jay Bennett.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Tuesday night. Tuesday night, he dumped her body in the bay. And then he came back here. He must've hit your car in the parking lot while he was leaving. That's why he didn't leave his name on the note. He could not admit that he'd been here.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: This isn't about a dented fender, is it?
Jay Bennett: You figured that out, huh, Mr. Private Eye?
Adrian Monk: Is this where you killed her?
Jay Bennett: Back up. Against the railing.
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. I don't really think I can swim. I took a course. But I- I never actually, technically-
Jay Bennett: Doesn't matter. You're gonna be dead before you hit the water. First the shoe.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: "Don't panic." Forget that. "Breath normally." "Flutter kicks."

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, there he is! There's Monk!
Natalie: Where?
Captain Stottlemeyer: 20 degrees to port.
Natalie: Is he swimming?
Lieutenant Disher: What's that beside him? Is it a life preserver?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Ah, looks like a toilet seat.
Linda Fusco: Well, if it's floating, why doesn't he just grab it?
Natalie: [all groan] Too hard to explain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Complicated story.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [mumbles]
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: [mumbles]
Natalie: What did he say?
Lieutenant Disher: He said, "Leap and a net will appear, my ass."
Natalie: Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: S-s-southeast barrier.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Southeast barrier? What about it?
Adrian Monk: Her body-- That's where he dumped her.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He told you that?
Adrian Monk: No. Kelp. Bull kelp. It was on his anchor. It was still wet from the b-barrier.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, we'll get some divers out there straight away.


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