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‘Mr. Monk, Private Eye’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk, Private Eye

505. Mr. Monk, Private Eye

Aired August 4, 2006

After Natalie pushes Monk to set up his own private investigation agency, the first job they get is a seemingly simple fender-bender.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Wait. I can't go. The boat is on the water. I don't do water.
Natalie: You can't swim?
Adrian Monk: To be honest, I don't know.
Natalie: You don't know.
Adrian Monk: I mean, I know how to swim technically. I've just never actually, you know, done it. All right, I took a correspondence course.
Natalie: You learned to swim by mail?
Adrian Monk: They sent me a little diploma. And this.
Natalie: "Swimming Fundamentals. Don't panic. Breathe normally. Keep kicking."
Adrian Monk: Can I have that back?
Natalie: Why did you even take the course? You never go near the water.
Adrian Monk: Hello? Tsunamis.

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Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Okay, there it is. That's his boat. All right, so his car wasn't in the lot, so, uh... Let's do it.
Adrian Monk: Wait. Don't. We don't have a warrant.
Natalie: We don't need a warrant. It's a boat.
Adrian Monk: Well, that's completely false, but it sounds good.
Natalie: Let's do it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Okay, so I've been thinking about this. And, uh I think you should start your own company. Be a private investigator. I mean, really go for it. Hire a PR person. Be aggressive. Advertise. Get new clients.
Adrian Monk: Uh...
Natalie: Mr. Monk, there are other detectives out there with a fraction of your talent who are getting rich. You're Adrian Monk. People will pay a fortune to hire you.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that's something to think about.
Natalie: I thought you'd say that, so I did what Grandpa Neville did, and I took the initiative.
Adrian Monk: "A. Monk. Private Investigations" $85? That's 85 cents a card.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, that doesn't matter. You can't be afraid to take risks.
Adrian Monk: I think I can. In fact, I think I already am. Hold on. Germs, heights, snakes, milk, needles, risk. Yeah, it's on there. Number six.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Let's see, Barbara. "I am into yoga, pilates, getting in touch with my spirituality..." Been there, married that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: [answers phone] Adrian Monk Investigations. What is the nature of your problem?
Adrian Monk: I'm being kept in a room against my will.
Natalie: You were kidnapped? Oh, my God. Hold on, hold on. Do you know who did it?
Adrian Monk: Yes, it's my personal assistant. Her name is Natalie Teeger. Natalie...

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Can I open my eyes now?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, your eyes are opened.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Linda Fusco: I think I'm a little jealous. Are you seeing other clients behind my back?
Natalie: Ms. Fusco, no, no, no. These aren't clients. These are former colleagues. This is Randy Disher, and this is
Captain Stottlemeyer: Captain Leland Stottlemeyer.
Linda Fusco: Linda Fusco.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know who you are. I've seen your billboards. Actually, we just saw one yesterday.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain said that you looked really-- Nothing. He didn't say anything which is strange, because he's usually pretty talkative. The sign said that you were the number one realtor in Northern California.
Linda Fusco: Tell me something I don't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The elephant's the only mammal that can't jump.
Linda Fusco: Pardon me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You said tell you something you don't know. And I told you that the only mammal who can't jump is your elephant.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Are you sure you're okay?
Adrian Monk: When I was a detective or a consultant, I would point to the bad guy, and the cops would go in. And they would get shot at, or beat up, or hit in the stomach. And it was a wonderful system. See, everybody was happy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: What's going on?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm making lunch.
Natalie: And what's wrong with those?
Adrian Monk: Those are not quite up to snuff. You know me. It's got to be snuff.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: What's that?
Natalie: It's a surprise. Did I ever tell you about my grandpa, Neville Davenport?
Adrian Monk: No. Is he in the box?
Natalie: He was a great man. You remind me of him, actually. He was an assistant pharmacist in London. And then, when he was about your age, he completely changed his life. Just like that. He quit his job and started a toothpaste company in England. A toothpaste company in England! I mean, talk about optimism. And now, it's the third biggest brand in the world after Colgate and Crest.
Adrian Monk: I love that story. I guess my favorite part is about the toothpaste company.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, there's a point to this story.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. I've been listening very carefully.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: You know what Grandpa Neville's favorite expression was? "Leap and a net will appear."
Adrian Monk: Well, he sounds like a very pleasant, very insane person. It's not even at the right address.
Natalie: Yes, it is.
Adrian Monk: No, it isn't. Shunpike Road. That's all the way downtown.
Natalie: It's the right address.
Adrian Monk: It isn't.
Natalie: Yes, it is.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: When Grandpa Neville first started out, I swear to you his office looked just like this. Okay, so this is my desk. And yours is in there. So when the clients come in, they sit there. But then they come in here and talk to me. And if I think they're legit, then I send them in to you.
Adrian Monk: What clients?
Natalie: Oh, they'll be calling. I took out some ads on the Internet and in the phone book.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Natalie, you can't afford this.
Natalie: Actually, you're paying for it.
Adrian Monk: I can't afford this.
Natalie: Oh, yes, you can. Remember last month when you got that bonus after solving the Kensington case?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: That's because I used it for a down payment.
Adrian Monk: Grownups have a word for that. We call it embezzlement.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Don't tell me. Grandpa Neville.
Natalie: That's Grandpa Neville. Well, it's only fitting that we have his picture up. After all, he is our inspiration, right? Leap and a net will appear.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay, I appreciate what you're trying to do here. I really do, but I have a job. I am a consultant for the police department.
Natalie: Not full time. And, Mr. Monk, they haven't called in weeks.
Adrian Monk: Which is fine with me. I am not an ambitious man. I am not Grandpa Neville.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, that man lied to us. I need to talk to him again.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir. Oh, by the way, my cousin saw your profile on Make-A-Date.net. I didn't know you like bossa nova.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, that was, um... It was... There was an undercover sting operation going on with Vice. And... Okay, I admit it. I, um, I signed on. I was curious. Tell your cousin that I was just joking around.
Lieutenant Disher: That's okay. You can tell her yourself. You've been talking to her all week. She's Sexy In Sonoma.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait, that's your cousin?
Lieutenant Disher: When did you put in a hot tub?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I didn't put in a hot tub.
Lieutenant Disher: She said you put in a hot tub.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I had a hot tub when I was at the motel.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, that must be it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: It's been two days. You're human. You made a mistake.
Natalie: It's not a mistake.
Adrian Monk: It's a mistake.
Natalie: Okay, it took Grandpa Neville's business a whole year before it took off.
Adrian Monk: You know, not everybody feels the same way you do about Grandpa Neville. For example, I was just thinking how much fun it would be to dig up his body and poke it with a big stick.

Quote from Natalie

Linda Fusco: Who's Grandpa Neville? And why are we poking him with a stick? Adrian Monk? I'm Linda Fusco.
Natalie: Wait, do I know you? Are you an actress?
Linda Fusco: Real estate.
Natalie: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Linda Fusco Realty. On bus stops and billboards.
Linda Fusco: Wow, I can't believe Larry finally rented this dump out. How much is he getting, $3,000 a month?
Natalie: $3,200.
Linda Fusco: Whoa, boy. He's having you for lunch. Next time, you come to me. Adrian, I've been asking around.
Cops, reporters... And they all say that you are the man.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm a man.
Natalie: Oh, no, no, no. He's just being modest. He is the man. He is the gold standard. He is like Philip Marlowe and Sherlock Holmes just rolled into...
Linda Fusco: Sweetheart, I'm showing a condo in 20 minutes. So let's get this going. Follow me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Linda Fusco: This is a Lucerne 275 Northstar V8. I get a new Buick every year. It's my trademark. See?
Adrian Monk: There's a scratch.
Linda Fusco: It's a dent. It's a dent. Here and here. Son of a bitch. And he left this on the windshield. "Go to Nell." Adrian Monk: Who's Nell?
Natalie: Monk, I think that's an H.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Linda Fusco: It happened at the Marina Wednesday morning. I have a boat there. I got there at ten to six to pick something up, and then I came back...
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Fusco-
Linda Fusco: Ms. Fusco.
Adrian Monk: Miss Fusco.
Linda Fusco: Ms.
Adrian Monk: Linda. Linda, you must be insured.
Linda Fusco: But why should I pay for something that I didn't do? I love this car. This is my baby. And I want you to find that son-of-a-bitch, Mr. Adrian Monk, and make him pay for it.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Yeah, it's a matter of principle.
Linda Fusco: Exactly.
Natalie: We'll take the case. I'll draw up the contracts. We get $400 a day.
Linda Fusco: I'll pay you $3,000 if you catch the son-of-a-bitch. And if you don't, you get zip. I work on commission. Why shouldn't you?

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