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‘Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse

807. Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse

Aired September 25, 2009

Natalie is freaked out as Monk investigates a series of voodoo dolls which appear to have predicted freak accidents.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: So he goes to collect the mail, including this box.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, same as the others. Postmarked three days ago, no return address. He opens the box, sees the doll. Bob's your uncle, his heart just stops.
Captain Stottlemeyer: "Bob's your uncle"? That doesn't sound right.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, yeah. Bob was her uncle. Uncle Robert.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right, but that doesn't matter.
Lieutenant Disher: It's a figure of speech.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A figure of whose speech? I've never heard...
Lieutenant Disher: His name is Robert.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I know. No, no, back up a second. I've never heard "Bob's your uncle" before.
Lieutenant Disher: Have you been to Australia?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I've never been to Australia.
Lieutenant Disher: Bob's your uncle, mate. Didgeridoo.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Have you been- Have you been to Australia?
Lieutenant Disher: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Did you, like, see a movie, like? Like, "That's a knife, mate."

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Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: How can I leave? I'm still working on the voodoo thing.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, they won't even miss you. They'll be fine.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I have to call the captain and...
Natalie: No, no. I'll call the captain. I'll do that. You just get your coat. [picks up phone] Captain Stottlemeyer, please. Hi, it's Natalie. I'm taking Mr. Monk out of town for a couple of days. [chuckles] Yeah, I agree. He needs a break. So don't even bother calling. [laughs] Get the coat. I will, I will, as soon as we get back. Okay. All right, bye. He wants us to take a lot of pictures.
Adrian Monk: That phone's unplugged.
Natalie: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: It's not plugged in. There's the cord.
Natalie: Are you calling me a liar?
Adrian Monk: It's not plugged in.
Natalie: So you're calling me a liar?
Adrian Monk: I don't know what to say. It's not plugged in.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk. Thank you for coming. We caught a weird one here. I mean, this is off the charts.
Adrian Monk: What happened? What did you do here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, we rearranged the squad room. I guess I should start at the beginning. On friday, a woman named Martha Murphy was killed. She was hit by a baseball. She was power walking past the Little League field when a 12-year-old kid named Petey Cunningham knocked one over the fence and beaned her, left temple. I mean, what are the odds, right? A million to one? A billion to one, maybe.
Adrian Monk: You rearranged the squad room. Why?
Lieutenant Disher: It's supposed to be more efficient. We've, broken it down into five different units. It's actually working out pretty well.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Whatever. Listen, get this Yesterday, Martha's family flies in from Denver. They go to her house. They're gonna get Grandma's affairs in order. Guess what they found? It's the darnedest thing. In 30 years of law enforcement...
Adrian Monk: Here's what I don't understand. What was the problem with the way it was? The way it was before was the way, it's always been.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I haven't even gotten to the voodoo stuff yet.
Natalie: Voodoo?
Adrian Monk: I mean, it's so random, isn't it? You got all these arbitrary formations and... I mean, who can work like this? It's madness.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay! I don't know what I was thinking. Randy, let's put it back the way it was.
Lieutenant Disher: What, you mean right now? For how long?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Until Monk dies.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: You know, it's not funny. I used to laugh about it too.
Lieutenant Disher: About what?
Natalie: Voodoo, black magic.
Adrian Monk: Wait, you can't actually believe in that stuff.
Natalie: Somebody predicted that poor woman would get hit by a baseball three days before it happened. How would you explain it?
Adrian Monk: Well, I mean... Maybe...
Lieutenant Disher: Well, wait, I got it. Well, she walked by here every day, right?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep.
Lieutenant Disher: So maybe the killer was waiting back here behind this tree with a baseball gun.
Natalie: A baseball gun? There's no such thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, but there are pitching machines.
Natalie: Okay. So how would your baseball-gun killer.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, that's a good name for him by the way.
Natalie: How would he know someone would hit a home run at exactly that moment? And what happened to the other baseball?
Captain Stottlemeyer: The other baseball.
Natalie: It's voodoo. It's real, and it kills people.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, how about this? She had an insurance policy with a no-suicide clause. So she had to make it look like an accident. She came here, she waited for a home run to be hit. She grabs the ball and cracks her own cranium.
Natalie: With a baseball? She fractured her cranium?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Natalie: Was she that strong?
Stottlemeyer & Monk: [in unison] She exercised.
Natalie: I think voodoo's looking better and better.
Adrian Monk: Okay, let's be rational here. We live in the real world. It is governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There is always, always a non-voodoo explanation for everything.
Natalie: Except voodoo.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: What time is it? It's not 8:00, is it?
Natalie: I have a surprise, a good surprise. It's a good thing. We're going away. We're going on vacation.
Adrian Monk: No, thank you.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you've been working too hard. You need a break. I already made a reservation. It's a five-star resort in Santa Barbara. Five stars means immaculate. Oh, here's the brochure. We don't have to fly. It's right down the coast. And get this, your room is on the tenth floor. Room 1010, how about that?
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait. We talked about this. I don't really do vacations.
Natalie: Did I mention it's my treat? It won't cost you a nickel.
Adrian Monk: Room 1010, huh?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Reverend Jorgensen. My name is Leland Stottlemeyer.
Lieutenant Disher: So is mine. We'd like to ask you a couple of questions about your merchandise.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, we're gonna be a while here. Thank you. Thank you.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: I've been talking to you guys all week, and I'm all talked out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that's unfortunate, because there was another incident yesterday.
Lieutenant Disher: Did you sell this doll?
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Probably. Looks like mine.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, you're three for three, because all three dolls came from your shop.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Give me a break. I can't be responsible for how my dolls are used.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Did did you take out this advertisement?
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: What if I did? It's no big deal.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Could be a motive.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: A motive?
Lieutenant Disher: Publicity. Seem to be pretty busy here.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: You think I killed all those people for publicity? How? How did I do that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We don't know. We don't know yet.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Are we done here? Uh, yeah, we're done. If, you think of anything else, please, don't hesitate to call me or call Lieutenant...
Lieutenant Disher: Stottlemeyer. Lieutenant Stottlemeyer.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Listen, everything's gonna be fine. We're gonna put you in a safe house this afternoon.
Natalie: Randy, I'm not leaving. I'm never leaving this house again.
Lieutenant Disher: You're gonna have armed guards. It's already been scheduled, Natalie. [bites head off a gingerbread man]
Natalie: Randy, the cookie.
Lieutenant Disher: Sorry.
Natalie: Doesn't matter. I could have the whole sixth fleet guarding me.
Lieutenant Disher: Natalie, it's just a doll.
Natalie: You really don't believe in it? Witchcraft, voodoo?
Lieutenant Disher: I'm a Pisces. We're not superstitious. Where's your milk?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: How do you know this will work?
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Sister, I guarantee it. You shall be cleansed. [chants]
Natalie: Can't you just fast forward and get to the end?
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: No.
Adrian Monk: [coughs] What- What is that?
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It's an herb. It's called asafetida. Also known as devil's dung.
Adrian Monk: [coughs] Okay, I think we're done here. Thank you very much for coming, though.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: I don't understand. Why me?
Adrian Monk: She was afraid I was getting too close. She was trying to keep me distracted.
Natalie: Oh, because she knew how much you cared about me. She knew you'd be so worried about me, you couldn't think straight.
Adrian Monk: Well, that was her theory, yes. But don't forget, she was clinically insane.
Natalie: I'm so relieved. I've never been happier to be wrong.
Adrian Monk: About what?
Natalie: Uh, about everything. About voodoo, about Mitch and me.
Adrian Monk: Good! I'm glad. Welcome back to the real world, the world of facts and science, and rational thought.
Natalie: You missed one. [Adrian goes back and touches a parking meter] You were saying?
Adrian Monk: Facts and science. Natalie, if you let superstition rule your life, you're just avoiding any responsibility.
Natalie: You missed another one.
Adrian Monk: I did not.
Natalie: You missed it. I watched you, you missed it.
Adrian Monk: Where was I?
Natalie: Rational thought.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. Superstitions, hexes, curses, voodoo. They're all just crutches that people use when they can't cope with the...

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Natalie: So what did you find at her house?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Over here.
Natalie: A voodoo doll.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, we've already traced it from a store in the Haight. Reverend Jorgensen's Voodoo Boutique. Just sent Fenderman and Kramer up there to take a look.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It was postmarked last Tuesday in Nob Hill.
Lieutenant Disher: Checked with Post Office. The postmark is 100% legit.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So here's what we have. The doll was mailed three days before she died. And I'm looking at it, but it's just not possible.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: She was exercising?
Coach Chauncey: Yes, sir. Power Walker, came by every afternoon.
Adrian Monk: At the same time?
Coach Chauncey: Varied 3:30, 4:00.
Adrian Monk: So she was walking along here. The ball came over the fence. Are there a lot of balls hit over this wall?
Coach Chauncey: Not really. Every now and then, maybe. It was a hell of a hit, actually. I mean, too bad about Mrs. Murphy, but Petey really got all of it, 'cause you kept your eye on the ball. You listened to me, waited for your pitch. It was a beautiful hit. I mean, until the, you know...
Adrian Monk: Right. Hi, Petey. Did you know, Mrs. Murphy?
Petey: No, sir. Am I going to jail?
Adrian Monk: Probably not.

Quote from Natalie

Lieutenant Disher: Postmarked a week ago, Nob Hill.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Go ahead and open it.
Lieutenant Disher: No, you can open it, sir.
Adrian Monk: I'll open it. ... Although, technically, I am just a consultant. [Sergeant Steiner makes alien noises]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sergeant, you're not helping.
Sergeant Steiner: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'll open it.
Natalie: [looking away] It's another doll, isn't it? And there's a lightning bolt coming out of its head?
Lieutenant Disher: No, it's his neck. No, you're right. [Stottlemeyer uses tweezers to adjust the lightning bolt] No, it's his head.
Natalie: Now do you believe me?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: I'm gonna wait out here.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, you're being ridiculous.
Natalie: I can't go in. I'm sorry.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I hate to mention this, but it is technically your job.
Natalie: Then fire me.
Adrian Monk: I'm not going to fire you. Just don't go anywhere. You're my ride home.
Natalie: I hate this case.
Adrian Monk: Yes, you've made that clear. You hate the case.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, there you are. Where the hell you been? I called two hours ago.
Adrian Monk: Oh, it's Natalie. She didn't even give me the message. She's all twisted up about this case. She's outside right now. She won't come in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, wait a minute. Let me get my head around this. You are the level-headed, brave one now?
Lieutenant Disher: She's shaking her head.
Adrian Monk: It's this voodoo stuff. She- She believes it.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I don't think she's coming in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I can't really blame her. We've all got the heebie-jeebies. Say hello to doll number three.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Victim number three, Robert Boyd, 64 years old. Guy was a big fish. He owned Boyd Teletronics, you know, the cell phone company? So, according his niece, Angeline Dilworth, that's her right over there, he's had a bad ticker for years. She's been worried about him, especially this last week.
Adrian Monk: Why is that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Apparently, he was obsessed with the voodoo killings. He was watching the news, following the case.
Lieutenant Disher: He's real superstitious.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, so I see.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Angeline Dilworth: Is there a problem?
Adrian Monk: It's upside down.
Angeline Dilworth: What is?
Adrian Monk: The horseshoe. It's supposed to point up, so the good luck stays in the shoe. He was a superstitious guy. I'm surprised he didn't know that.
Angeline Dilworth: Maybe that's why it didn't work.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, Natalie just called from the driveway. She wants to go home.
Adrian Monk: Now?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep, she's in pretty bad shape, I can tell. You'd better take care of her.
Adrian Monk: What can I do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, you've seen normal people, sensitive people, taking care of each other. Do what they do. Call you later.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look at this place. It's like Halloween the year round.
Lieutenant Disher: Lucky Bath crystals.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Incense powder. Money powder. It's guaranteed to cure all financial woes.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, you should buy it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Can't afford it. Cupid's arrow. It's a love potion. [sniffs] What?
Lieutenant Disher: It's not working.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's me. Hello? Hey, feeling better? Great, listen I have a favor to ask. I don't know what's going on with you and all this voodoo stuff, but here's the thing. You cannot be the unstable one. I cannot take care of you, Natalie. This morning, I spent six hours organizing my cereal boxes. I have to be honest. I cannot function like this. Do you understand?
Natalie: [sobs]
Adrian Monk: Natalie? [Natalie points to the table] What?
[Adrian walks over to the table and find a package. He picks up a voodoo doll of Natalie]

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