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‘Mr. Monk and the Dog’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Dog

811. Mr. Monk and the Dog

Aired October 30, 2009

While investigating the disappearance of young woman, Monk takes in her pet dog.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you all once again for coming. You know the situation. We're looking for a woman. Her name is Amanda Castle.
Lieutenant Disher: Although any dead body would be of interest to us.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy.

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: I'm so worried about Shelby. She's been acting strangely. Look at her. She hasn't eaten all day.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe she witnessed the murder. She saw Dewitt kill Amanda and now he's afraid that she'll identify him.
Adrian Monk: How?
Lieutenant Disher: She could bark at him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, as far as I know, in the state of California, dogs are not allowed to testify in open court.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe Dewitt's afraid they'll change the rule.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What, change the rule against dogs testifying in court?
Lieutenant Disher: You know, one of those referendums. It is California.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You want to know how tired I am? I'm so tired, I don't know if that even makes any sense.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Be nice if we had a body. She could be anywhere.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, no, not quite anywhere. All right, this is her house, and we know it's not there. This is the park we checked yesterday. It's not there. That's my house. We can eliminate that.
Natalie: Oh, and this office.
Lieutenant Disher: That's true. It's not here. Captain? Is there anything you want to eliminate?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: That's a good girl. That's a good girl. You taking good care of Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. You want the gloves?
Natalie: No, I don't want the gloves. I'm so glad you brought her.
Adrian Monk: Well, I didn't have a choice. I couldn't leave her alone In my house on my floor. She won't stay in the umbrella. This dog is not, and may never be, umbrella-trained.
Natalie: He's a funny man, isn't he?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: How's she doing?
Adrian Monk: She's really smart. This dog is really, really smart. I've been teaching her tricks.
Lieutenant Disher: Like?
Adrian Monk: Well, like not to lick me, not to drool, not to roll over, not to, you know, discharge anything.
Natalie: Since you mention it, I was gonna give it to you later, but It's a sha-poopie.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I don't need that, because I've taught her to hold it in.
Lieutenant Disher: Until when?
Adrian Monk: I haven't decided.
Natalie: Well, she might decide for you. You should take this.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, okay.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Exhibit "A"?
Natalie: Check out the tail.
Lieutenant Disher: What tail?
Adrian Monk: Exactly. His father's an Australian shepherd.
Natalie: A tailless Australian shepherd.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Steven DeWitt.
Adrian Monk: His wife mentioned she'd been traveling recently, and how long was she gone?
Lieutenant Disher: About three months.
Natalie: That fits. While his wife was out of town, he was having an affair with Amanda.
Adrian Monk: They were "hooking up," do you understand? And while they were hooking up, their dogs were "hooking up." Everybody and everything, "hooking up."

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: OK, here comes exhibit "A," "B," "C," Exhibit "D."
Adrian Monk: Another one? What's the record?
Natalie: I think it's 101.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] That was that movie.
Natalie: Right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That woman. Ah, who was that, coupe de ville? Cruella. Cruella, she was bad news. Monk, this is good scotch. Where'd you get this scotch?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it was a Christmas gift from the mayor.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, thank the mayor for me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Anne Marie: Are you my uncle?
Adrian Monk: No.
Anne Marie: Didn't think so.
Adrian Monk: No. I'm your aunt Natalie's boss.
Anne Marie: Do you know her other boss, the crazy one?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I- I- I think I have met him... once or twice.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, thank you for coming.
Adrian Monk: What's going on?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Missing person. I hope that's what it is.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, her name's Amanda Castle. She's an artist. Apparently, she's a pretty big deal, very famous.
Natalie: Huh. Never heard of her.
Lieutenant Disher: Me, neither.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, somebody's heard of her, because the press has taken an interest, which means the mayor has taken an interest, which means I'm here, which means you're here, and you.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: We need to find him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not a problem. We'll just make a copy of this and put out an A.P.B.
Lieutenant Disher: I don't think that's gonna work. You can't even see his face.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I was joking, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Mmm. Course you have to say that now.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [to Shelby, the dog] Okay, okay. All right. Well, this is it. Don't get too comfortable. I never do. This is just temporary. You understand? Temporary. Transitory. Right? Not permanent, okay? Ephemeral like. Right. All right, I guess I should show you around. All right, you can look, but don't touch. Okay, this is the couch, which is off limits. This is my chair, off limits. Over here, alright, that's the dining room table. Don't even think about it. And in here is the kitchen. You can stay out of there. No, no. Stay off. Over here, stay away from that. And over here is the bedroom, and here's the thing about the bedroom. It's off limits. Okay, now, you see this corner over here? This is your corner. This corner is okay. Not the whole corner. Basically, just this area here, from here to here. That's your spot, all right? Okay, I'm unhooking your leash. Don't do anything stupid, okay? Okay, good. All right, just hold on. All right. You can get right up in there. Okay, get up in there. Go on. There you go. Welcome home. Doesn't exactly feel like a family, but... Okay, now what's that? What is that? Is that a hair? Pick it up. I'm serious. Pick it- Now what are you doing? Don't do that. No that, never that. No scratching. That's better. All right, Natalie made a list. All right, water. Water. Okay. Now, you stay there. I'll be right back. Don't do anything, and you know what I'm talking about. Stay there. Just stay. No licking! No scratching. What was I thinking? What was I thinking? Here you go. Hello? Shelby? Hello, Shelby? What the- What is that? Where are you? What are you doing? What? What are you doing? [finds Shelby drinking from the toilet] Oh, my God! God! Stay away. Stay away! Stay! [runs away]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: She's so clean.
Adrian Monk: She should be. I washed her for hours last night. Yeah, don't! Don't pet the tail. She doesn't like that.
Natalie: Oh, you like her. Admit it. You like having someone in the house.
Adrian Monk: There are moments that aren't entirely unbearable.
Natalie: Wow, sounds like true love.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: So keep your eyes down. We're looking for anything unusual, any freshly dug dirt, signs of a struggle, articles of clothing.
Steve DeWitt: Over here!
Lieutenant Disher: [picks up wallet] It's hers. This is a note. "Saturday morning meet Dylan."
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's the ex-husband.
Lieutenant Disher: I mean, could we get that lucky?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nobody's that lucky.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What have you got?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's Amanda Castle's.
Adrian Monk: Who found it?
Lieutenant Disher: Guy in the gray shirt with the glasses.
Adrian Monk: Glasses? I want to try something. Excuse me, hello! Could I have your attention? We think that one of you killed Amanda Castle. If you're guilty, would you please raise your hand?
[As nobody raises their hands, the confused participants in the search party look around at each other. Everyone except Steve DeWitt, who keeps facing forward]
Adrian Monk: Well, we were just wondering. Sorry to bother you. Have a nice day.
Natalie: What was that about?
Adrian Monk: Who is the guy with the glasses?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No idea.
Adrian Monk: Well, we need to find out. I think Amanda is dead, and I think he killed her. Look. Look at the buckle and the snap. There's no rust. It couldn't have been laying out in an open field all week.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He planted it. He's trying to frame the ex-husband.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay, what was all that about raising your hand? He didn't confess.
Adrian Monk: No, but he didn't look around, either. Everybody else did.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [vacuuming Shelby's fur] Good. That's it. You're a good girl. Yes, you are. [phone rings] Just a second. [answers phone] Hello. When? I understand. Thank you for calling. [hangs up] OK, listen you better sit down. You remember Amanda, the nice lady who took care of you? No, please, sit. I'm afraid I have some bad news. Well, she had an accident. She won't be coming back. Don't- Don't- Don't cry. Don't cry. Oh, she's happy. She's on a farm with all her friends. She loves it there. She's chasing rabbits all day, and... You're not buying that. I know how you feel. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. Ssh. Never alone, little one. Never alone.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: That's a good girl. That's a good girl. You're doing great. Mr. Monk, please bring me a towel. Keep breathing. Oh, I know it hurts. I've been there, too. Where'd you get the mask?
Adrian Monk: Left top drawer.
Natalie: It's a natural thing, Mr. Monk. Your mother did it, twice.
Adrian Monk: You're not helping at all. She didn't do it in somebody's living room! She didn't go surprising people. Why- Why didn't you tell me she was pregnant?
Natalie: I didn't know. Nobody knew.
Adrian Monk: Come on, you're a woman. How could you not know? It's a disaster. Little animals coming out of other animals. What was God thinking?
Natalie: Oh, it's the miracle of life. It's a beautiful thing. [Shelby weeps] OK, that's not such a beautiful thing. I mean, in general.
Adrian Monk: This is what I get for trying to be nice, and open my-
Natalie: Your heart?
Adrian Monk: My house! For opening my house!
Natalie: You opened your heart, Mr. Monk. Don't close it now.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: You're doing good, sweetie. Keep breathing. Here it comes.
Adrian Monk: What is that? That can't be right. That is that cannot be right. That can't be right. That is not right. There's no way that-
Natalie: Oh. Congratulations, grandpa.
Adrian Monk: Wow.
Natalie: I know. It's a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Adrian Monk: Exhibit "A."

Quote from Adrian Monk

Aunt Teresa: You can visit her anytime.
Adrian Monk: How about 2:00?
Aunt Teresa: OK, 2:00. You mean, tomorrow?
Adrian Monk: Every day.
Aunt Teresa: Every day? [off Monk's look] Okay. I'll go get her leash.
Adrian Monk: [to Shelby] It's OK. I know them. They're a good family. You'll be happy there. Never alone, little one. Never alone again.
[After Shelby puts a paw on Monk's leg, Monk takes off one of his gloves and places his hand on top of Shelby's paw]


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