Adrian Monk: [over radio] Team Alpha to base. I'm approaching the room. Okay, I'm in the room. I'm looking around the room. On my right is a wet bar with two bottles of vodka, two bottles of scotch, and assorted other liquors. Above the wet bar is some type of blackboard. No chalk. There are two bowls of fruit. One real, one plastic. Both contain grapes.
Agent Stone: Is he gonna tell us all he's doing?
Natalie: Apparently.
Adrian Monk: I'm ascending three steps. The upper platform has an 8x3-foot hot tub. It's steaming. Smells heavily chlorinated. On the hot tub are six, repeat six, white rolled-up terrycloth towels. Possibly Egyptian cotton. On the south wall is a thermostat set to 75 degrees. I'm descending the stairs. There's a standing lamp on my right in front of a gray couch with four cushions. Two gray, two orange. I'm touching the standing lamp. Still touching the lamp. Still touching. Can't stop touching the lamp. What's wrong with me?

Lieutenant Disher: That's your Doppelganger. They say everybody's got one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who says that?
Lieutenant Disher: People. And their Doppelgangers.

Natalie: Captain, do you have a minute? Mr. Monk would like to say something.
Adrian Monk: [o.s.] Sorry.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you have to do it in person.
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry.
Natalie: Show him the card. Go ahead, read it.
Adrian Monk: "I was 'udderly' wrong." It's a cow. Udder. "I'm sorry if I upset you." Please give me another chance.
"I would hate for my careless gesture to spoil our fine romance." It's the only one they had.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Monk. I realize how hard this must have been for you to have Natalie buy it for you.
Natalie: Okay, I bought it, but Mr. Monk paid for it. Or he will. The point is he knows he went too far, and he feels terrible. He'd never had that kind of power before. It was like a drug. It went to his head. But he learned his lesson. Why don't you tell him what you learned?

Adrian Monk: What do you think? It's just making so much ice. It won't stop making ice.
Delivery Guy: I understand. Could you back up a little. Okay, here it is. The shut-off thingy broke off. I think got one in my truck. I can fix it for you right now.
Adrian Monk: Great.
Delivery Guy: It'll cost you 200.
Adrian Monk: It's not even a week old. There must be some kind of warranty.
Delivery Guy: Yeah, normally, yes. But it wasn't hooked up correctly, so it's all been voided.
Adrian Monk: But you hooked it up. You hooked it up last week!
Delivery Guy: You want me to fix it or not?
Adrian Monk: Oh, you're gonna fix it. And you're gonna fix it for free.
Delivery Guy: I don't think so.
Adrian Monk: You're gonna fix it for free.
Delivery Guy: Not gonna happen. [they stare off]
[While the delivery guy is unflinching in the wake of Monk's stare, Natalie stands behind him and shoots the guy evils.]
Delivery Guy: You know what, I I think you're right. You know, I'm sure it's still covered. I'll go get that part.
Adrian Monk: I still got it.
Natalie: [returns to her seat] Yeah, you still got it.

Lieutenant Disher: I'd like to meet him.
Natalie: Who's that?
Lieutenant Disher: My twin, my Doppelganger. I wonder if I could take him.
Natalie: You mean like in a fight?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I bet I could take him. Man versus Doppelganger.

Tony G.: Listen, Frankie, before you and the boss get started, Little Davey was my second cousin. His family would like to, you know, bury the kid, get a little closure. But we only got a head and one leg. We can't find the rest of him. Maybe you could help us out, you know?
Adrian Monk: I'll think about it. [adjusts Tony's tie]
Tony G.: Whoa, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Your tie... is crooked.
Tony G.: Okay, I get it, I get it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked anything about Little Davey. Okay? Do whatever you gotta do. It's none of my business. Sorry I even asked.

Stanley Grenblatt: Get outta here, both of you! I'm gonna call the police!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Greenblatt, we are the police. We're here to help you.
Stanley Grenblatt: I don't need your help. Just leave me alone.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, we think you might be in danger.
Stanley Grenblatt: I don't give a damn what you think! Would you get out of my house?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Have you ever seen this man before? His name's Jimmy Barlowe, also known as Mad Jimmy. He owns a couple of casinos in Reno.
Stanley Grenblatt: I never heard of him, okay? You satisfied?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, he knows you.
Stanley Grenblatt: I don't give a damn who knows me. Why don't you people just leave me alone? You're gonna give me a heart attack. [throws pan]
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, we can protect you. We can put you in a safe house.
Stanley Grenblatt: Oh, no, I'm not going anywhere, not with you or anyone. Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye. [throws another pan]
Lieutenant Disher: I think he wants us to leave.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think? Stanley, we're leaving.
Lieutenant Disher: Why would Jimmy Barlowe want to kill this guy?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe he met him.

Harold Krenshaw: Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? [Monk finally turns around] I thought that was you. Are you on vacation too? I didn't think you ever left San Francisco. I didn't think you ever left your living room. Isn't this weather amazing? You don't even have to check the weather report. Every day is 78 and sunny. It's like paradise. Harold Krenshaw. How you doing? How do you guys know Adrian?
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry, pal. You got the wrong guy. Do I look like an Adrian? You believe this guy?
Harold Krenshaw: Adrian, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Hey, pal. You're making a mistake. Now you got a decision to make here. You want to be in the papers tomorrow in the obituary section, section D? You made a mistake. Go home. Do it. [grabs Harold]
Harold Krenshaw: Ow, I'm sorry. I thought that you were somebody else.
Adrian Monk: Good-bye. What the hell are you looking at? Finish your Shirley temple.
Jimmy Barlowe: What'd I tell you, huh?
Adrian Monk: Let's get the check. I lost my appetite.

Lieutenant Disher: Still wearing the suit, huh? Didn't get a chance to change?
Adrian Monk: Why should I change. This coffee's cold. It tastes like BM.
Lieutenant Disher: It's iced tea.
Adrian Monk: Well, warm it up.
Lieutenant Disher: So, you want tea?
Adrian Monk: No, I want warm iced tea. [shakes the glass]

Adrian Monk: I'm not a tough guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure you are.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, you are one of the toughest guys I know.
Adrian Monk: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You just don't advertise it. But it's in you. It's buried deep down. You fooled all those wise guys, didn't you? You couldn't have done that unless it was in you. And you stood up to me. I'm proud of you, man.
Adrian Monk: I don't feel it. I had it. I had it for one day but, it's gone.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's not gone. It's there. When the chips are down and it really matters, you'll find it.