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‘Mr. Monk Is Someone Else’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Is Someone Else

804. Mr. Monk Is Someone Else

Aired August 28, 2009

After a hitman bearing an uncanny resemblance to Monk meets his own untimely end, Monk goes undercover as a contract killer.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [over radio] Team Alpha to base. I'm approaching the room. Okay, I'm in the room. I'm looking around the room. On my right is a wet bar with two bottles of vodka, two bottles of scotch, and assorted other liquors. Above the wet bar is some type of blackboard. No chalk. There are two bowls of fruit. One real, one plastic. Both contain grapes.
Agent Stone: Is he gonna tell us all he's doing?
Natalie: Apparently.
Adrian Monk: I'm ascending three steps. The upper platform has an 8x3-foot hot tub. It's steaming. Smells heavily chlorinated. On the hot tub are six, repeat six, white rolled-up terrycloth towels. Possibly Egyptian cotton. On the south wall is a thermostat set to 75 degrees. I'm descending the stairs. There's a standing lamp on my right in front of a gray couch with four cushions. Two gray, two orange. I'm touching the standing lamp. Still touching the lamp. Still touching. Can't stop touching the lamp. What's wrong with me?

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: That's your Doppelganger. They say everybody's got one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who says that?
Lieutenant Disher: People. And their Doppelgangers.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Captain, do you have a minute? Mr. Monk would like to say something.
Adrian Monk: [o.s.] Sorry.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you have to do it in person.
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry.
Natalie: Show him the card. Go ahead, read it.
Adrian Monk: "I was 'udderly' wrong." It's a cow. Udder. "I'm sorry if I upset you." Please give me another chance.
"I would hate for my careless gesture to spoil our fine romance." It's the only one they had.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Monk. I realize how hard this must have been for you to have Natalie buy it for you.
Natalie: Okay, I bought it, but Mr. Monk paid for it. Or he will. The point is he knows he went too far, and he feels terrible. He'd never had that kind of power before. It was like a drug. It went to his head. But he learned his lesson. Why don't you tell him what you learned?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: I'd like to meet him.
Natalie: Who's that?
Lieutenant Disher: My twin, my Doppelganger. I wonder if I could take him.
Natalie: You mean like in a fight?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I bet I could take him. Man versus Doppelganger.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Tony G.: Listen, Frankie, before you and the boss get started, Little Davey was my second cousin. His family would like to, you know, bury the kid, get a little closure. But we only got a head and one leg. We can't find the rest of him. Maybe you could help us out, you know?
Adrian Monk: I'll think about it. [adjusts Tony's tie]
Tony G.: Whoa, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Your tie... is crooked.
Tony G.: Okay, I get it, I get it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked anything about Little Davey. Okay? Do whatever you gotta do. It's none of my business. Sorry I even asked.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Stanley Grenblatt: Get outta here, both of you! I'm gonna call the police!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Greenblatt, we are the police. We're here to help you.
Stanley Grenblatt: I don't need your help. Just leave me alone.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, we think you might be in danger.
Stanley Grenblatt: I don't give a damn what you think! Would you get out of my house?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Have you ever seen this man before? His name's Jimmy Barlowe, also known as Mad Jimmy. He owns a couple of casinos in Reno.
Stanley Grenblatt: I never heard of him, okay? You satisfied?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, he knows you.
Stanley Grenblatt: I don't give a damn who knows me. Why don't you people just leave me alone? You're gonna give me a heart attack. [throws pan]
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, we can protect you. We can put you in a safe house.
Stanley Grenblatt: Oh, no, I'm not going anywhere, not with you or anyone. Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye. [throws another pan]
Lieutenant Disher: I think he wants us to leave.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think? Stanley, we're leaving.
Lieutenant Disher: Why would Jimmy Barlowe want to kill this guy?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe he met him.

Quote from Harold Krenshaw

Harold Krenshaw: Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? [Monk finally turns around] I thought that was you. Are you on vacation too? I didn't think you ever left San Francisco. I didn't think you ever left your living room. Isn't this weather amazing? You don't even have to check the weather report. Every day is 78 and sunny. It's like paradise. Harold Krenshaw. How you doing? How do you guys know Adrian?
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry, pal. You got the wrong guy. Do I look like an Adrian? You believe this guy?
Harold Krenshaw: Adrian, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Hey, pal. You're making a mistake. Now you got a decision to make here. You want to be in the papers tomorrow in the obituary section, section D? You made a mistake. Go home. Do it. [grabs Harold]
Harold Krenshaw: Ow, I'm sorry. I thought that you were somebody else.
Adrian Monk: Good-bye. What the hell are you looking at? Finish your Shirley temple.
Jimmy Barlowe: What'd I tell you, huh?
Adrian Monk: Let's get the check. I lost my appetite.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Still wearing the suit, huh? Didn't get a chance to change?
Adrian Monk: Why should I change. This coffee's cold. It tastes like BM.
Lieutenant Disher: It's iced tea.
Adrian Monk: Well, warm it up.
Lieutenant Disher: So, you want tea?
Adrian Monk: No, I want warm iced tea. [shakes the glass]

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: I'm not a tough guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure you are.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, you are one of the toughest guys I know.
Adrian Monk: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You just don't advertise it. But it's in you. It's buried deep down. You fooled all those wise guys, didn't you? You couldn't have done that unless it was in you. And you stood up to me. I'm proud of you, man.
Adrian Monk: I don't feel it. I had it. I had it for one day but, it's gone.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's not gone. It's there. When the chips are down and it really matters, you'll find it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Is this a private party?
Tony G.: Frankie, I thought you left town.
Lenny Barlowe: What are you wearing?
Adrian Monk: Chanel No. 5. What are you wearing?
Lenny Barlowe: What?
Adrian Monk: I figured out what was going on. I put two and two together. This is Greenblatt's kid, right? What's he into you for?
Jimmy Barlowe: 700 grand, but we got what we need. We're gonna finish it.
Adrian Monk: Let me do it. Give me the gun.
Lenny Barlowe: Why? What for?
Adrian Monk: I'm a professional, all right? Hey, I got a reputation. His old man keeled over ten minutes before I got there. I felt like a fool. It pissed me off. Let me do it, no charge. On the house, for my own peace of mind. I just want to put this kid ten feet under.
Jimmy Barlowe: You mean six feet under.
Adrian Monk: Whatever you want. I prefer ten. It's up to you. Give me the gun.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: What do you think? It's just making so much ice. It won't stop making ice.
Delivery Guy: I understand. Could you back up a little. Okay, here it is. The shut-off thingy broke off. I think got one in my truck. I can fix it for you right now.
Adrian Monk: Great.
Delivery Guy: It'll cost you 200.
Adrian Monk: It's not even a week old. There must be some kind of warranty.
Delivery Guy: Yeah, normally, yes. But it wasn't hooked up correctly, so it's all been voided.
Adrian Monk: But you hooked it up. You hooked it up last week!
Delivery Guy: You want me to fix it or not?
Adrian Monk: Oh, you're gonna fix it. And you're gonna fix it for free.
Delivery Guy: I don't think so.
Adrian Monk: You're gonna fix it for free.
Delivery Guy: Not gonna happen. [they stare off]
[While the delivery guy is unflinching in the wake of Monk's stare, Natalie stands behind him and shoots the guy evils.]
Delivery Guy: You know what, I I think you're right. You know, I'm sure it's still covered. I'll go get that part.
Adrian Monk: I still got it.
Natalie: [returns to her seat] Yeah, you still got it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Delivery Guy: Excuse me. Miss? Where you want it?
Natalie: Talk to him.
Adrian Monk: Oh, finally.
Delivery Guy: Hey, sport, where am I going?
Adrian Monk: Well, it's a refrigerator. Let's try the kitchen.
Delivery Guy: Yeah, all right. I was just asking.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Delivery Guy: That's another step.
Adrian Monk: Where?
Delivery Guy: Right there.
Adrian Monk: What, that? What are you talking about?
Delivery Guy: Yeah, it's gonna cost you.
Adrian Monk: Cost me what?
Delivery Guy: Money, 40 bucks. It's in the contract.
Adrian Monk: What?
Delivery Guy: Page four. "Any change in elevation in said residence or place of business shall constitute a stairway. Additional delivery fees may apply."
Adrian Monk: That's ridiculous. It's not a step. It's a lip. It's not even a lip. It's a demi-lip.
Delivery Guy: It's a step. You want this refrigerator or not?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Delivery Guy: 40 bucks. For the step.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Natalie, he wants 40 more dollars.
Natalie: What for?
Adrian Monk: The floor is uneven.
Natalie: Well, that's ridiculous. It's just a lip.
Adrian Monk: That's what I said, exactly, verbatim.
Natalie: Tell him no.
Adrian Monk: He's doing the stare-down.
Natalie: Then stare back. Mr. Monk, he's testing you. Just look him in the eye and say no.
Adrian Monk: I don't think I can. I've never won a stare-down in my life. I'm "O" for five.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, this is your house, isn't it? You can't let someone stare you down in your own house.
Adrian Monk: It's my house. You're absolutely right.
Delivery Guy: What's it gonna be?
Adrian Monk: Okay, $40.
Delivery Guy: Plus $120 for the delivery.
Adrian Monk: Ah, just a second.
Delivery Guy: Plus gratuity.
Adrian Monk: Okay, there you go. Thank you very much.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Agent Stone: I work for a division of the bureau called Team Alpha. It's our job to identify and track high-profile targets, dangerous individuals. For the last four months, we've been following a man named Frank DePalma. He's a contract killer, an assassin. He's probably the best in the world.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I've never heard of him.
Agent Stone: Well, he's worked very hard to make sure you haven't heard of him. He's linked to 17 murders. Ten here, five in New York and two in Asia. We've never been able to prove a thing. There's just no evidence at all.
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry.
Agent Stone: What does this have to do with me? Mr. DePalma arrived in Los Angeles yesterday morning, and at 4:35 pm, he stepped off a curb on Wilshire Boulevard and was hit by a bus. He was killed instantly.
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. What does this have to do with me?
Agent Stone: Here's a picture of Frank DePalma.
Natalie: Oh, my God!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Jeez Louise, look at that.
Lieutenant Disher: Sweet.
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. What does this have to do with me?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Agent Stone: Fortunately, we were there when the accident occurred. So we kept a lid on it. We kept the press out. The death certificate says "John Doe," so officially, it never happened.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think I see where this is going.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, me too.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, you don't.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Agent Stone: You were born and raised...
Adrian Monk: 829 Chambers Street. Allston, Massachusetts. Parents: Joseph and Helen. He was a professional gambler. Died when I was 14.
Agent Stone: Your first arrest?
Adrian Monk: October 22nd, 1997. Assault and battery. I did 2 1/2 years at Joliet, and my cellmate's name was Barry "The Maggot" Franklin.
Agent Stone: First contract kill?
Adrian Monk: November 13th, 1999, Key West. Real estate billionaire Donnie Hernandez. I blew up his yacht. Made it look like a fuel leak.
Agent Stone: Well, that was very impressive, Mr. Monk. Or should I say "Mr. DePalma"? All right, we better get you dressed. Your friends are meeting us downstairs.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I just forgot it.
Agent Stone: Forgot what?
Adrian Monk: Everything about the guy. It's a blank. Hold on. Okay, I got it back. Wait, it's gone again. Okay, it's back.
Agent Stone: Adrian, look, I've run dozens of agents undercover. The end of the day, it's all about attitude.
Adrian Monk: Attitude.
Agent Stone: You gotta sell it. You gotta believe that you're Frankie DePalma. Right, you walk through a door, you don't just walk through it. You stride. You swagger. You're at the table, you own the table. OK, you are the toughest son of a bitch in the room, and everybody knows it.
Adrian Monk: Like the refrigerator delivery man.
Agent Stone: Right. Okay, from this moment on, Adrian Monk, he doesn't exist. Right. You're Frankie DePalma. You're a killing machine. Yeah, that's it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [over radio] There's a suitcase on the ottoman. I am opening the suitcase. The suitcase is open. Wait a minute. It's wider on the outside than it is on the inside. There must be a hidden. Hidden compartment. There's someone at the door. [knock on door] I am walking toward the door. Hello?
Lola: [o.s.] It's Lola.
Adrian Monk: Lola who?
Lola: That's not funny, Frankie. Open the door.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Lola: How many Lolas do you know? How many other Lolas do you need to know? Wow, you look really nice Frankie.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Lola: At this point, most men would be commenting on how I look, but that's cool. You're not most men. You're definitely one of a kind.
Adrian Monk: Not quite.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Waiter: Is there a problem, Mr. DePalma?
Adrian Monk: No. It's just yesterday you seemed more appreciative.
Adrian Monk: How appreciative was I?
Waiter: $20.
Adrian Monk: For what? Fine. Fine. Okay, here is 20. Uh, you gonna give me that 50 cents back?

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