Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Mr. Monk and the Rapper’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Rapper

602. Mr. Monk and the Rapper

Aired July 20, 2007

Monk is hired by a rapper, Murderuss (guest star Snoop Dogg), who fears he is being framed for the death of his rival.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mind if I join you? Randy's upstairs talking to our medical examiner in rap.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I learned a long time ago not to ask Randy why he does anything.


Quote from Adrian Monk

Snake da Assassin: We've been asking around, and street's been saying you're some kind of super cop.
Adrian Monk: Well, I guess if other people say it, it's not really bragging. You feelin' me there, Silent? He's feelin' me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: That was close.
Natalie: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: But he seemed to take it pretty well, didn't you think?
Natalie: Take what well?
Adrian Monk: When I turned down the case. When I said I was too busy.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you said yes. You took the case. [Monk looks back in confusion] He wrote you a check. It's right there.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] Natalie, there's nothing in my hand.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's right here. You said yes. You gave him your word. You said you had his back.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: That piece goes there. And that piece goes near the front.
Bomb Squad Technician: You're pretty good at this. Have a secret?
Adrian Monk: You do the corners first.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: How 'bout this, Russell? It's a blasting cap. See here? That's a serial number. That's how we know that this particular blasting cap was stolen from a construction site a half a block away from your house.
Murderuss: I am not going to be putting a bomb up onto somebody's town car. You know me. I'm up close and personal, face-to-face.
Lieutenant Disher: Not according to this. Track four. Little song called Car Bomb. [raps] Put the bomb in your lim That's what the surprise is Under your seat Like Oprah giving prizes. [talks] Sound familiar?
Murderuss: Not the way you do it.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, well, I wasn't really performing it.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Murderuss: Look, you got to be one of the whitest white boys I've ever met. And I met Kevin Costner.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, uh, could have done it right, brought in a beat box. Captain wouldn't let me.
Murderuss: I owe you one.
Lieutenant Disher: You know what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: You're not the only musician in the room. Actually, I'm in a band too. We have a very eclectic repertoire. We do rap. We also do folk.
Murderuss: What is this, good cop, demented cop?
Lieutenant Disher: Yo, just go to my website.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: He called me white!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sit down.
Lieutenant Disher: Don't deny it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, I get it. I get it. This is about the secretary thing, isn't it? And how you don't think I... Something about not respecting... Wait. I wrote it down.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, this is not about me. This is about your client. That man is in trouble, and he's depending on you. You shook his hand.
Adrian Monk: Wipe.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: He's the guy.
Adrian Monk: Who's- Who's the guy? Hodges?
Natalie: I don't know. There's something about him.
Adrian Monk: Another hunch?
Natalie: Well, we should at least check him out.
Adrian Monk: Why would he kill Extra Large? He had no motive. None! Extra Large was his meal ticket.
Natalie: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: The limo driver's out of intensive care. We can talk to him tomorrow. Maybe he saw something.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. When you came to my house and I said yes, that wasn't really me.
Snake da Assassin: [chuckles] Well, he sure as hell looked like you. He shook my hand and he gave me his word.
Adrian Monk: Well, that should have told you something right there. I almost never shake hands. When I get nervous, I say things I don't mean. Okay? So here's your check. It's a little wrinkled. I'll just, uh... No charge.
Murderuss: We're two men, right? We can work this out. Check this out. Wanna hit this peace pipe?
Adrian Monk: No, thank you.
Murderuss: Come on, man. It'll relax you.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm- I'm relaxed.
Murderuss: Dog, you are not relaxed! You got to be the most uptight little puppy I ever met. I bet if I put a lump of coal in your butt and let it sit there for ten minutes, I could get a diamond out of it.
Adrian Monk: D- Diamond? Murderuss, listen to me. You gotta believe me. That wouldn't work.
Murderuss: Man, what are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: There's no way you'd get a diamond from a lump of coal up there. I- It's not physically possible.
Murderuss: Chill out, man. It's just a figure of speech.
Adrian Monk: [sobbing] I'll buy you a diamond. I'll buy you... I'll buy you all a diamond. Diamonds for everybody. Diamonds for everybody.
Murderuss: You heard him, man. Diamonds for everybody. Toast to my main man Monk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Stain remover. Backup stain remover. Trudy pillow.
Natalie: You know, Mr. Monk, running away never solved anything.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, tthe guy who said that, about running away, here's what we know about him. He didn't keep blacking out and making deals with a man named Murderuss, who, by the way, is about to be indicted for two homicides.
Natalie: What are those?
Adrian Monk: Oh, clothes, soap, wipes, water. Be careful carrying the water.
Natalie: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk: I haven't decided. I'm either gonna buy a rail pass and bum my way through Central Asia, or go to your place. I'm leaning toward your place.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Murderuss: Here's what happened y'all. I got this, Monk. [raps] Yeah, you can't believe what you hear all the time. Sometimes seein' is believing. Like the man said, I was set up. I'm just a pawn in this game. Let me break it down for y'all. No, for real. Here's what happened. Have you ever been accused, Man, you got set up And it really wasn't you, Man, you got set up Trying to plant something on me Man, you got set up And then you say I killed your homey This fool was greedy, had to have the whole thing Let me run it down to you, it's a cold game He wanted more than half of the pie That's why his partner had to die [to Woody] You heard me, you were the target all along Am I right, or am I wrong
Adrian Monk: You're making a lot of excellent points. He is.
Murderuss: Every week, they had a breakfast date Captain Crunch, French toast, or a stack of pancakes But this week they wasn't serving nothin' But murder on the plate He wanted to pin it on me like a Purple Heart But his perfect plan just fell apart as he fled the scene, homes. Cause like Aaron Burr who was tried for treason You made a mistake, dog, forgot about the season There was the fatal flaw to the perfect crime See, Sunday was daylight savings time Twice a year we reset the clock Ahead one hour, but I guess you forgot Your partner showed up to break some bread What he found was an empty table instead You didn't order room service Cause you thought the homey Woody was dead Extra Large ran outta luck When the limo came by and picked him up The pocket watch up under the car The trigger went boom And there went Extra Large Have you ever been accused, Man, you got set up And it really wasn't you, Man, you got set up Trying to plant something on me Man, you got set up And then you say I killed your homey I went to the source and found a great detective I told Adrian Monk to follow my direction He solved the case and rocked it well Next stop for you, Denny Hodges Is a Death Row jail cell [drops mic]
Adrian Monk: You dropped your, uh... You dropped your...

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode