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‘Mr. Monk and the Rapper’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Rapper

602. Mr. Monk and the Rapper

Aired July 20, 2007

Monk is hired by a rapper, Murderuss (guest star Snoop Dogg), who fears he is being framed for the death of his rival.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mind if I join you? Randy's upstairs talking to our medical examiner in rap.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I learned a long time ago not to ask Randy why he does anything.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Snake da Assassin: We've been asking around, and street's been saying you're some kind of super cop.
Adrian Monk: Well, I guess if other people say it, it's not really bragging. You feelin' me there, Silent? He's feelin' me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: That was close.
Natalie: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: But he seemed to take it pretty well, didn't you think?
Natalie: Take what well?
Adrian Monk: When I turned down the case. When I said I was too busy.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you said yes. You took the case. [Monk looks back in confusion] He wrote you a check. It's right there.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] Natalie, there's nothing in my hand.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's right here. You said yes. You gave him your word. You said you had his back.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: That piece goes there. And that piece goes near the front.
Bomb Squad Technician: You're pretty good at this. Have a secret?
Adrian Monk: You do the corners first.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: How 'bout this, Russell? It's a blasting cap. See here? That's a serial number. That's how we know that this particular blasting cap was stolen from a construction site a half a block away from your house.
Murderuss: I am not going to be putting a bomb up onto somebody's town car. You know me. I'm up close and personal, face-to-face.
Lieutenant Disher: Not according to this. Track four. Little song called Car Bomb. [raps] Put the bomb in your lim That's what the surprise is Under your seat Like Oprah giving prizes. [talks] Sound familiar?
Murderuss: Not the way you do it.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, well, I wasn't really performing it.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Murderuss: Look, you got to be one of the whitest white boys I've ever met. And I met Kevin Costner.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, uh, could have done it right, brought in a beat box. Captain wouldn't let me.
Murderuss: I owe you one.
Lieutenant Disher: You know what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: You're not the only musician in the room. Actually, I'm in a band too. We have a very eclectic repertoire. We do rap. We also do folk.
Murderuss: What is this, good cop, demented cop?
Lieutenant Disher: Yo, just go to my website.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: He called me white!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sit down.
Lieutenant Disher: Don't deny it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, I get it. I get it. This is about the secretary thing, isn't it? And how you don't think I... Something about not respecting... Wait. I wrote it down.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, this is not about me. This is about your client. That man is in trouble, and he's depending on you. You shook his hand.
Adrian Monk: Wipe.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: He's the guy.
Adrian Monk: Who's- Who's the guy? Hodges?
Natalie: I don't know. There's something about him.
Adrian Monk: Another hunch?
Natalie: Well, we should at least check him out.
Adrian Monk: Why would he kill Extra Large? He had no motive. None! Extra Large was his meal ticket.
Natalie: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: The limo driver's out of intensive care. We can talk to him tomorrow. Maybe he saw something.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. When you came to my house and I said yes, that wasn't really me.
Snake da Assassin: [chuckles] Well, he sure as hell looked like you. He shook my hand and he gave me his word.
Adrian Monk: Well, that should have told you something right there. I almost never shake hands. When I get nervous, I say things I don't mean. Okay? So here's your check. It's a little wrinkled. I'll just, uh... No charge.
Murderuss: We're two men, right? We can work this out. Check this out. Wanna hit this peace pipe?
Adrian Monk: No, thank you.
Murderuss: Come on, man. It'll relax you.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm- I'm relaxed.
Murderuss: Dog, you are not relaxed! You got to be the most uptight little puppy I ever met. I bet if I put a lump of coal in your butt and let it sit there for ten minutes, I could get a diamond out of it.
Adrian Monk: D- Diamond? Murderuss, listen to me. You gotta believe me. That wouldn't work.
Murderuss: Man, what are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: There's no way you'd get a diamond from a lump of coal up there. I- It's not physically possible.
Murderuss: Chill out, man. It's just a figure of speech.
Adrian Monk: [sobbing] I'll buy you a diamond. I'll buy you... I'll buy you all a diamond. Diamonds for everybody. Diamonds for everybody.
Murderuss: You heard him, man. Diamonds for everybody. Toast to my main man Monk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Stain remover. Backup stain remover. Trudy pillow.
Natalie: You know, Mr. Monk, running away never solved anything.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, tthe guy who said that, about running away, here's what we know about him. He didn't keep blacking out and making deals with a man named Murderuss, who, by the way, is about to be indicted for two homicides.
Natalie: What are those?
Adrian Monk: Oh, clothes, soap, wipes, water. Be careful carrying the water.
Natalie: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk: I haven't decided. I'm either gonna buy a rail pass and bum my way through Central Asia, or go to your place. I'm leaning toward your place.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Murderuss: Here's what happened y'all. I got this, Monk. [raps] Yeah, you can't believe what you hear all the time. Sometimes seein' is believing. Like the man said, I was set up. I'm just a pawn in this game. Let me break it down for y'all. No, for real. Here's what happened. Have you ever been accused, Man, you got set up And it really wasn't you, Man, you got set up Trying to plant something on me Man, you got set up And then you say I killed your homey This fool was greedy, had to have the whole thing Let me run it down to you, it's a cold game He wanted more than half of the pie That's why his partner had to die [to Woody] You heard me, you were the target all along Am I right, or am I wrong
Adrian Monk: You're making a lot of excellent points. He is.
Murderuss: Every week, they had a breakfast date Captain Crunch, French toast, or a stack of pancakes But this week they wasn't serving nothin' But murder on the plate He wanted to pin it on me like a Purple Heart But his perfect plan just fell apart as he fled the scene, homes. Cause like Aaron Burr who was tried for treason You made a mistake, dog, forgot about the season There was the fatal flaw to the perfect crime See, Sunday was daylight savings time Twice a year we reset the clock Ahead one hour, but I guess you forgot Your partner showed up to break some bread What he found was an empty table instead You didn't order room service Cause you thought the homey Woody was dead Extra Large ran outta luck When the limo came by and picked him up The pocket watch up under the car The trigger went boom And there went Extra Large Have you ever been accused, Man, you got set up And it really wasn't you, Man, you got set up Trying to plant something on me Man, you got set up And then you say I killed your homey I went to the source and found a great detective I told Adrian Monk to follow my direction He solved the case and rocked it well Next stop for you, Denny Hodges Is a Death Row jail cell [drops mic]
Adrian Monk: You dropped your, uh... You dropped your...

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here we go, ten seconds, nine...
Natalie: I just wanna say, for the record, I hate daylight savings time.
Adrian Monk: Five, four, three, two, and now!
Natalie: Ya! Perfect!
Adrian Monk: No, it's 2 seconds off.
Natalie: No, no, Mr. Monk. No one's ever gonna notice.
Adrian Monk: Natalie.
Natalie: No one except for you.
Adrian Monk: Let's just try it one more time. Come on, it's only twice a year. Here we go. In 55, 54, 53...

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: What are those?
Adrian Monk: Those are for you.
Natalie: Get out! Flowers? "Happy Secretaries' Day. Mr. M."
Adrian Monk: Y- You're welcome! Yeah, get ready. 42 seconds.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm not your secretary. I'm your assistant.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, secretary. It's the same thing. 35.
Natalie: No. No. It's not the same thing.
Adrian Monk: Can we talk about this in 31 seconds?
Natalie: Do you think a secretary has to do what I do? It's a huge responsibility.
Adrian Monk: What? What about the Secretary of State? That's a very important job. Or Secretariat, Triple Crown winner. Love to see an assistant do that. Counting down.
Natalie: You don't respect me at all, do you? I mean, really, really respect me.
Adrian Monk: Of course I do. 22. I do, Nat- [doorbell rings] Ooh, doorbell. Natalie, hurry back. Hurry back.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Howdy.
Murderuss: Are you Monk?
Adrian Monk: Please, Adrian. [shakes hands] Excuse us, we were just, uh, we were just setting the clocks forward there. Daylight savings time and all.
Murderuss: Ah, hell, man. I always forget to do that.
Adrian Monk: That's a beautiful watch.
Murderuss: Oh, you like that, huh? It's that white gold. Imported. I have to get you one next time I see you.
Snake da Assassin: They're his trademark.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Murderuss: My name is Murderuss.
Natalie: Murderuss? I've heard of you! I've taken your records away from my daughter.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] You'll have to excuse Natalie. She's a little prudish about that stuff.
Murderuss: I'm different these days. I'm more of a businessman. Have my own record label. Manslaughter Records. This is Snake Da Assassin, my VP.
Adrian Monk: Mr. Assassin.
Snake da Assassin: Sss. [they shake hands]
Adrian Monk: Hello.
Murderuss: And this is Silent Killa, secretary of defense.
Adrian Monk: Secretary? Uh-oh. Natalie here thinks secretary is a dirty word.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Murderuss: Have you seen that? My lawyer's already calling me. Police looking for me. They think I did it.
Natalie: Well, uh, why would they think that?
Snake da Assassin: Motive, yo.
Adrian Monk: Motive, yo.
Murderuss: The deceased, Extra Large, used to record on my label. But the splits wasn't exactly cordial.
Snake da Assassin: I hate that motherf- fella. I hate that fella.
Adrian Monk: Is this all they have?
Murderuss: Plus, about a month ago, I made a song talking about how I wanted to kill him and how I planned to do it.
Snake da Assassin: [raps] Tick, tick, tick, tick Car Bomb! [talks] Name of the song was Car Bomb.
Murderuss: And that's the exact same way he died, you know what I'm saying? Now, look, I'm no angel, and I never pretended to be. But this time, this wasn't me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Murderuss: I wanna hire you. I want you to do what you do, sniff around and get me the hell outta this.
Natalie: Oh, we're flattered. We really are. But we really, were just talking about we have so many other commitments.
Adrian Monk: Don't listen to her. I'll take the case. I'm your man.
Murderuss: Well, all right.
Adrian Monk: It's an honor. It's a privilege. And don't you worry, because I am gonna get you out of this. My word is my bond.
Murderuss: Now, that's what I needed to hear. Pay the man. Here's a retainer and my business card. You call me as soon as you get some good news. Natalie, it was a pleasure meeting you, beautiful.
Adrian Monk: Thank you for your business, Mr. Murderuss. Mr. Assassin. Mr. Killer. Sorry Killa. K- Killa. Natalie, Killa. Don't worry about anything. I got your back, yo. Have a nice day, yo.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Oh, can't believe he's dead. You a fan?
Natalie: No.
Lieutenant Disher: Extra Large? He's the godfather of second-wave east coast rap. You know, this was before Jay-Z, Nas, 50 Cent, Fat Joe. I loved his stuff ... [raps] Got myself strapped for the war goin' down, down I looked death in the face and I called him a clown, clown Pulled out my nin
Natalie: Randy, do you think the captain respects you?
Lieutenant Disher: Does he respect me? Yeah. He teases me a lot. Yeah, but at the end of the day, I think my opinion means something. Why?
Natalie: Nothing.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: We've already got a primary. Get this the guy had a rival, another rapper. They'd been threatening each other for months, even wrote little ditties about each other. Guess what his name is.
Adrian Monk: Murderuss.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's right! Is that perfect, or what? I can't wait till a jury hears that.
Adrian Monk: Well, it's only a name. Doesn't mean anything.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Murderuss? Monk, that's not a name. It's a confession. Plus, the guy has got a rap sheet like 10 miles long.
Adrian Monk: Alleged rap sheet.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, a very real, grown-up rap sheet. I arrested the kid myself three times back when he was a hood in the 'hood. What are you, his lawyer?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Natalie, am I his lawyer?
Natalie: No. You're his investigator. Murderuss paid us a little visit today.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He came to your house.
Natalie: He was afraid he was gonna get blamed for this, so he asked Mr. Monk to take the case.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And you said yes.
Adrian Monk: Well, so I've been told. I wasn't really there.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You did it again. When he gets nervous, he blacks out sometimes and agrees to do stuff.
Adrian Monk: God. Oh, my God, what did I do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, look, maybe you're right. Maybe he's not the guy.
Adrian Monk: Of course he's the guy! His name is Murderuss. I mean, I cannot believe this is happening.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, we found the detonator.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wow, what is this, silver?
Adrian Monk: Nah, that's white gold. Imported.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how do you know that?
Adrian Monk: Cause my client wears them all the time. They're his trademark. I am so screwed! And where were you?
Natalie: Don't look at me. I'm just the secretary.

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