Adrian Monk: The feeding schedule goes up to last Friday. He's- He's- He's loose. He's somewhere in the house. [jumps up on table] Come- Come up- Come on up here. It's plenty strong.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not getting on the table with you, Monk. I thought you were afraid of heights.
Adrian Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, I don't need the entire list.

Lieutenant Disher: All right. Here's the question. Who would murder the oldest man in the world?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know what the question is, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Look at this. Book of World Records. Enrico Palamo. He was Italian. He collected yarn. He made the world's biggest ball of yarn. He was murdered three years ago, still unsolved.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe the world's biggest kitty cat did that.
Lieutenant Disher: I think we might have a serial killer on our hands.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, God.
Lieutenant Disher: Somebody is killing world record holders. One at a time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think we oughta warn the fat twins on the motorcycles? Or, wait, wait, wait. Maybe we ought to put a 24-hour guard on the guy with the beard of bees.
Lieutenant Disher: I can never tell when you're being sarcastic.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm being sarcastic, Randy. Get the book outta here.

Captain Stottlemeyer: It's finished! The rug is clean.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Then what's the problem?
Adrian Monk: [stops vacuuming] The lines in the carpet. See? You went on a diagonal. I like to make a grid! It's no big deal. [resumes vacuuming]
Captain Stottlemeyer: You win. I give up. [pulls the plug on the vacuum]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know what I'm gonna do? First thing in the morning, I'm gonna call the Vatican and I'm gonna nominate your late wife Trudy for sainthood! Because you are impossible!
Adrian Monk: The lines! They're all diagonal! I have to live here!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Forget about the rug! This is not about the rug! Do you know what you are? Do you know what you are? You're the world's best marriage counselor. You could save every marriage in California! All people have to do is live with you for two days! Two days! And they'd never complain about their spouse again.
Adrian Monk: What are you- What are you doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I am going home! I am gonna beg Karen to take me back. I'm gonna beg her to take me back. I'm gonna tell her I am a different man, and I will not be lying.

Captain Stottlemeyer: It's kinda messy in there. Could have been a fight.
Adrian Monk: Is that probable cause?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Probably.
Adrian Monk: Probably probable cause?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's good enough for me.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What a nice surprise.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Oh! The waterfall. How do you like it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's great. I love it. Thank you, again.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Is it calming you down?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Is that coffee?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. Yes, it is. It's a coffeefall.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hell of a thing, the oldest man in the world. Randy had a theory. He thinks maybe the second oldest man in the world did it, to claim the title. He actually looked into it.

Adrian Monk: Here. I found an alarm clock, Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You can stop calling me Captain. You might have noticed I'm out of uniform.
Adrian Monk: Okay, uh... Leland. Do you, Leland, need anything else?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I'm fine. Thank you. Good night.
Adrian Monk: 7:53? Why don't- Why don't you just say 8:00?
Captain Stottlemeyer: 8:00 is too late.
Adrian Monk: But it's a nice, round number. "Eight-oh-oh."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, how important is this to you? I mean, on a scale from one to ten?
Adrian Monk: I'd say it's about an eight. Eight-oh-oh. How about 7:00? Seven-oh-oh.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 7:00 is too early.
Adrian Monk: You could use the snooze alarm. Six times.

Captain Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Honey? Okay, look. The next voice you hear is going to be Adrian Monk's, okay? And whatever he says, we're going to accept it, right? No questions asked. Okay. Adrian Monk. Have you studied the room?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?
Adrian Monk: He... was murdered. He was murdered, Karen.
Karen Stottlemeyer: I knew it!
Adrian Monk: The walker is in the middle of the room. H-How could Mr. Holling have made it to the bed? Plus, there's no way a man of his height could have reached over the dresser to pull down those shades.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sweetheart, I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm setting the alarm to 8:00. Eight-oh-oh. Are you happy?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, I'm setting the clock ahead seven minutes, so really, I'll be getting up at 7:53. Now we're both happy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but...
Captain Stottlemeyer: You come in here again, Monk, and I'll shoot ya.

Hiram Hollings: My father was 114. Now, that is old, but it is still too young. Do you understand?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Hiram Hollings: If you find that bastard, do me one favor. I want five minutes alone with him in the room.
Lieutenant Disher: When was the last time you saw your father?
Hiram Hollings: Two months. U-Unless you mean, on the TV. Oh, they used him a lot on the TV. He wrote a book! They even put it in a time capsule.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Did your father have any enemies?
Hiram Hollings: No, not unless you you're talkin' about the phone calls.
Lieutenant Disher: Phone calls?
Hiram Hollings: Yeah, they started about a few weeks ago. Somebody started callin' my daddy in the middle of the night. At all hours.
Lieutenant Disher: What did they say?
Hiram Hollings: "You're a dead man. Oh, I'm gonna kill you."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Pull the phone records.
Hiram Hollings: Oh, I do hope you find that bastard. 114. Now that's old, but it's still too young. You know what I mean? He was still my daddy. And I was still his baby.