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‘Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man

205. Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man

Aired July 25, 2003

The Captain's wife, Karen (Glenne Headly), asks him to investigate the death of the world's oldest man, 115-year-old Miles Hollings, about whom she made a documentary. Meanwhile, his martial difficulties lead Stottlemeyer to stay with Monk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: The feeding schedule goes up to last Friday. He's- He's- He's loose. He's somewhere in the house. Come- Come up- Come on up here. It's plenty strong.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not getting on the table with you, Monk. I thought you were afraid of heights.
Adrian Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, I don't need the entire list.

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: All right. Here's the question. Who would murder the oldest man in the world?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know what the question is, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Look at this. Book of World Records. Enrico Palamo. He was Italian. He collected yarn. He made the world's biggest ball of yarn. He was murdered three years ago, still unsolved.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe the world's biggest kitty cat did that.
Lieutenant Disher: I think we might have a serial killer on our hands.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, God.
Lieutenant Disher: Somebody is killing world record holders. One at a time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think we oughta warn the fat twins on the motorcycles? Or, wait, wait, wait. Maybe we ought to put a 24-hour guard on the guy with the beard of bees.
Lieutenant Disher: I can never tell when you're being sarcastic.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm being sarcastic, Randy. Get the book outta here.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: It's finished! The rug is clean.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Then what's the problem?
Adrian Monk: [stops vacuuming] The lines in the carpet. See? You went on a diagonal. I like to make a grid! It's no big deal. [resumes vacuuming]
Captain Stottlemeyer: You win. I give up. [pulls the plug on the vacuum]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know what I'm gonna do? First thing in the morning, I'm gonna call the Vatican and I'm gonna nominate your late wife Trudy for sainthood! Because you are impossible!
Adrian Monk: The lines! They're all diagonal! I have to live here!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Forget about the rug! This is not about the rug! Do you know what you are? Do you know what you are? You're the world's best marriage counselor. You could save every marriage in California! All people have to do is live with you for two days! Two days! And they'd never complain about their spouse again.
Adrian Monk: What are you- What are you doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I am going home! I am gonna beg Karen to take me back. I'm gonna beg her to take me back. I'm gonna tell her I am a different man, and I will not be lying.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Rowe, open up. It's the police. It's kinda messy in there. Could have been a fight.
Adrian Monk: Is that probable cause?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Probably.
Adrian Monk: Probably probable cause?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's good enough for me.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: What a nice surprise.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Oh! The waterfall. How do you like it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's great. I love it. Thank you, again.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Is it calming you down?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Is that coffee?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. Yes, it is. It's a coffeefall.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hell of a thing, the oldest man in the world. Randy had a theory. He thinks maybe the second oldest man in the world did it, to claim the title. He actually looked into it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here. I found an alarm clock, Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You can stop calling me Captain. You might have noticed I'm out of uniform.
Adrian Monk: Okay, uh... Leland. Do you, Leland, need anything else?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I'm fine. Thank you. Good night.
Adrian Monk: 7:53? Why don't- Why don't you just say 8:00?
Captain Stottlemeyer: 8:00 is too late.
Adrian Monk: But it's a nice, round number. "Eight-oh-oh."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, how important is this to you? I mean, on a scale from one to ten?
Adrian Monk: I'd say it's about an eight. Eight-oh-oh. How about 7:00? Seven-oh-oh.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 7:00 is too early.
Adrian Monk: You could use the snooze alarm. Six times.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Honey? Okay, look. The next voice you hear is going to be Adrian Monk's, okay? And whatever he says, we're going to accept it, right? No questions asked. Okay. Adrian Monk. Have you studied the room?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?
Adrian Monk: He... was murdered. He was murdered, Karen.
Karen Stottlemeyer: I knew it!
Adrian Monk: The walker is in the middle of the room. H-How could Mr. Holling have made it to the bed? Plus, there's no way a man of his height could have reached over the dresser to pull down those shades.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sweetheart, I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm setting the alarm to 8:00. Eight-oh-oh. Are you happy?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, I'm setting the clock ahead seven minutes, so really, I'll be getting up at 7:53. Now we're both happy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but...
Captain Stottlemeyer: You come in here again, Monk, and I'll shoot ya.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Hiram Hollings: My father was 114. Now, that is old, but it is still too young. Do you understand?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Hiram Hollings: If you find that bastard, do me one favor. I want five minutes alone with him in the room.
Lieutenant Disher: When was the last time you saw your father?
Hiram Hollings: Two months. U-Unless you mean, on the TV. Oh, they used him a lot on the TV. He wrote a book! They even put it in a time capsule.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Did your father have any enemies?
Hiram Hollings: No, not unless you you're talkin' about the phone calls.
Lieutenant Disher: Phone calls?
Hiram Hollings: Yeah, they started about a few weeks ago. Somebody started callin' my daddy in the middle of the night. At all hours.
Lieutenant Disher: What did they say?
Hiram Hollings: "You're a dead man. Oh, I'm gonna kill you."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Pull the phone records.
Hiram Hollings: Oh, I do hope you find that bastard. 114. Now that's old, but it's still too young. You know what I mean? He was still my daddy. And I was still his baby.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: Your wife's here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay. Okay. Uh, look, I need a few minutes. Could you stall her?
Lieutenant Disher: What should I do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, talk to her.
Lieutenant Disher: About what? I mean, what does she like to talk about?
Captain Stottlemeyer: How I ruined her life.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: I always have a glass of milk before bed.
Adrian Monk: But that's not...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Shut up.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: I want to show you something. They just issued these. [Karen gasps] It's a Beretta. Nine-millimeter Centurion. It holds 15 in the mag, one in the chamber.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Mm. You know how I feel about guns.
Lieutenant Disher: I know you have strong feelings. I just can't remember what they are.
Karen Stottlemeyer: I'm against them, Lieutenant. My husband doesn't carry a weapon. I don't know why you need to.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Karen Stottlemeyer: Now, I know it sounds crazy, but I went to the nursing home this morning to wish him a happy birthday, and they had just found him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh-huh?
Karen Stottlemeyer: The coroner was there. There was something wrong.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh-huh?
Karen Stottlemeyer: You see, they said he died in bed, but Leland, he never used the bed. He slept in a chair. He told me he was afraid that if he ever laid down, he would never get up again.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, Karen...
Karen Stottlemeyer: Also, they found a book on his chest. Like he'd been reading. But he couldn't read, because he was nearly blind. So I told the head nurse to lock down that room.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You what?
Karen Stottlemeyer: So that you can investigate.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Karen, you can't do that. Wh-What are you, a homicide detective?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I mean, how old was this guy?
Karen Stottlemeyer: 115.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 115? People that old, they die! It's It's like their job. Now, be reasonable. Who would kill the oldest man in the world? I mean, why would they bother?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Uh, could we switch chairs? It's the tassels. Uh, my chair has tassels. A lot of tassels here.
Sharona: Will you stop staying "tassels"?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Ma'am, even if I agreed with you I do not have the authority to take the billboard down. Look. Have you considered taking a different road home? You have a nice day too.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: He'll just be a minute. He's on a call. So, uh, you're workin' on a new script?
Karen Stottlemeyer: I make documentary films, Lieutenant. I don't use scripts. The world is my script.
Lieutenant Disher: Neat.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Big special crystal. And the magic dream catcher. There we go.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Karen Stottlemeyer: It's a hunch. You get hunches all the time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, well, that's my job, I'm a professional.
Karen Stottlemeyer: So you're not going to investigate?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, honey.
Kevin Dorfman: Once again, I'm asking too much. Is that it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I-I don't tell you how to make your little movies.
Karen Stottlemeyer: They're documentaries, Leland. Is this what you meant when you told Dr. Mosely you were going to be more supportive? You promised. You swore you were going to try!
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, look. I'll call Monk. He's the best detective I know. And if Monk thinks there's been foul play, I'll look into it.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Promise?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. I promise.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Gravedigger: I remember that case. It was a hit-and-run, right?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Seventeen years old. He'd been accepted to Princeton.
Gravedigger: I dug that hole. I'll never forget it. The ground was frozen solid. It was like the Earth didn't want him. Did they ever catch the son of a bitch?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I never did.
Gravedigger: It was your case?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Still is. Still is.

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