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‘Mr. Monk Buys a House’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Monk: Mr. Monk Buys a House

701. Mr. Monk Buys a House

Aired July 18, 2008

Distraught over the sudden death of Dr. Kroger, Monk rushes into buying a new house, where he needs the help of a contractor, "honest" Jake Phillips (guest star Brad Garrett).

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Holy moly, what happened here?
Adrian Monk: I should never have bought this house. I should've waited for something better to come along. Like death.

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Quote from Dr. Bell

Dr. Bell: Mr. Monk. Neven Bell. [shakes Monk's hand] I've been looking forward to this. [offers] Wipe?

Quote from Dr. Bell

Dr. Bell: Summit Creek. That's your brand, isn't it? Glass exactly... half filled. Or would you call it half empty?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Oh, they're leaving.
Adrian Monk: Oh, finally. Is she in handcuffs?
Natalie: I don't see her.
Adrian Monk: What? Why aren't they arresting her? Oh, the justice system in this country is a joke. God there she goes again. Natalie, you gotta make her stop. I- I can't stand it. I can't.
Natalie: I still don't hear it.
Adrian Monk: You don't hear that?! Are you kidding me? She was practicing all night. I couldn't sleep. I kept reaching for the phone to call...
Natalie: Dr. Kroger? I know. I miss him too.
Adrian Monk: I actually left him two messages. I just- I just still can't believe it. A heart attack. I- I saw him the day before. He looked fine. He looked...
Natalie: We'll find a new therapist. There has to be somebody out there.
Adrian Monk: No, there'll never be anybody else. I mean, the man saved my life. You didn't know me before Dr.
Kroger. I mean, I-I-I was a little messed up. You know? He wasn't just a therapist. He was- He was Dr. Kroger.

Quote from Dr. Bell

Dr. Bell: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: Just tired. I haven't been sleeping.
Dr. Bell: Hmm. All right, then. Why, uh... Why don't we start right there, then? Why haven't you been sleeping?
Adrian Monk: Oh, no big mystery. This girl who lives across the street plays piano. Same song. [hums] Doesn't matter, really. Doesn't- Doesn't matter. I'm out of there. I'm moving. I just- I just bought a house.
Dr. Bell: Well, congratulations. So when did it start? The piano playing?
Adrian Monk: Eh, I don't know. About a year ago.
Dr. Bell: But it's only been bothering you for what? Five weeks?
Adrian Monk: How did you know that?
Dr. Bell: Oh, well, the girl's been playing piano for a year. And it's only been bothering you since Charles Kroger passed.
Adrian Monk: What? No. No. Oh, no.
Dr. Bell: The music she's playing is Chopin. Charles loved Chopin. He played it in his waiting room all the time.
Adrian Monk: No.
Dr. Bell: Maybe the music is reminding you of- of your friend, And it's- it's been affecting you.
Adrian Monk: No. Nah, nah, nah. No. That's-
Dr. Bell: Maybe.
Adrian Monk: That's not- That's just- Crazy. It's crazy talk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: So how's the new house?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. Every 20 minutes it's something else. Something is rusted or corroded... Or falling apart or about to fall apart.
Lieutenant Disher: Wow, I can't wait to see it.
Adrian Monk: It's like nightmare except for the part where you wake up and it's all over. Why didn't you warn me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I did. I tried to. I think we all did.
Adrian Monk: Well, why didn't you tie me down and shoot me in the leg? What's the good of having a gun If you don't shoot your friend in the leg when he's about to buy an old house?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Next time I will, I promise.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What about this one? Here, look. Joseph Moody. This one's still open.
Lieutenant Disher: Uh, no. Not anymore, actually. The M.E. just called on this. Uh, it's officially an accident.
Captain Stottlemeyer: His private nurse found him yesterday. He was 89 years old, fell down a flight of stairs.
Adrian Monk: Stairs. Sounds suspicious.
Lieutenant Disher: What's suspicious about it?
Adrian Monk: Are you kidding? Nine decades, perfect health? Guy just up and dies? I think we should check it out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you really that bored?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I am.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [counting holes on a shower head] 94, 95, 96, 97, 98. Do you- Do you have any with 100?
Hardware Store Clerk: I don't know. Whatever's there.
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. I'm buying a new house. And I just came from a therapist who didn't think I could handle it.
Hardware Store Clerk: No kidding.
Adrian Monk: Get this. He said I was moving because the girl across the street reminded me of my old therapist, because they both liked Chopin. I know, crazy, right? His name was Dr. Kroger. Charles Kroger. Chuck, some people called him Chuck. I didn't. I had a lot of respect- Too much respect for him. Well, he passed about five-
Hardware Store Clerk: I'm sorry. I've gotta go be somewhere else. Good luck.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Uh, be careful with that. Sir- Sir! Sir, use both hands. Don't make me pull out the contract. Two hands. And use care. Care. Okay. Care-carefully! Watch your step. Watch your step. And the next step. Carefully, carefully, carefully. That one has to- That one has to stay level. You can use the horizon. But level. Get- Put- That one says "fragile."
Moving Man: They all say "fragile."
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but that's underlined. That means really fragile. And if it's underlined twice, it means very, very, extremely... Hello? Extremely fragile. Yeah, that one you want to be careful with. Easy. Easy. Where's the fire? Where's the fire? Okay, you wanna- Wanna take a break? Should we take a break? Let's take five.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: What about your father? What's- What's your happiest memory of him?
Adrian Monk: My father, um... Well, he took me to a football game once.
Dr. Bell: Sounds like fun.
Adrian Monk: Well, every time the team went into a huddle, he turned to me and said, "They're talking about you."
Dr. Bell: Talking about you?
Adrian Monk: They weren't, were they?
Dr. Bell: No, that seems pretty unlikely. I don't know why he would say that.
Adrian Monk: Because one player kept looking up at me, and I thought I saw him laughing.
Dr. Bell: I'm pretty sure they were talking about the game and what play to run next.
Adrian Monk: He was looking right at me.
Dr. Bell: Well...
Adrian Monk: I mean right at me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: We'll keep looking. What about the one that my brother recommended? Dr. Beechum?
Adrian Monk: No, the chairs in his waiting room were too low.
Natalie: How about the man you met yesterday? He seemed nice.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, eye patch! Listen. Oh, come on, listen. Now- You can hear that. It's even louder now! By all that's holy, give us a break!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: I have her, uh, statement right here. Uh, she said the accident occurred around 10:30?
Pamela Moody: That's right, we were driving up to visit, and it must've happened just before we arrived.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, sorry. Does the fireplace work?
Pamela Moody: As far as I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Do you work?
Adrian Monk: It's so clean.
Pamela Moody: I know. My uncle was compulsive about all that stuff. Before his stroke, he was always dusting and cleaning. Polishing everything.
Adrian Monk: Heh. Polishing everything.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: According to Miss Drake, your uncle was taking a new medication, Tribiteral. She said it made him disoriented. She said she went to the kitchen. When she came back, your uncle was upstairs on the landing?
Lieutenant Disher: I- I thought he couldn't walk.
Pamela Moody: Well, he could walk some. Short distances. Before she could reach him, he- he must've lost his balance. They found him right there. His neck was broken. [sobs]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Here, have a seat. Sit down.
Adrian Monk: You're okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Do you know if the roof is new? Ma'am? Ma'am, just nod your head. Roof? Roof new?
Pamela Moody: Why? What about the roof?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: I mean, Adrian, I know we've just met. But for what it's worth, I don't think you should be buying a house right now.
Adrian Monk: I can't believe this.
Dr. Bell: I think maybe you're buying this property to avoid dealing with the loss of your friend.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Dr. Bell: What's the rush? Wait a few weeks. Maybe a year.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Dr. Bell: My- My second wife, she was in real estate. You know, lots of her clients-
Adrian Monk: Can I tell you what I think?
Dr. Bell: Please.
Adrian Monk: I don't think this is working out. I'm sorry. I just don't feel comfortable. And, um, I'm gonna be looking for a different therapist, so... [stands up]
Dr. Bell: Well, I'm really sorry to hear that, Adrian. I really am. So... I thought you were leaving.
Adrian Monk: I can't leave early. Natalie would kill me. [sits back down]
Dr. Bell: Hmm. All right. Well, then, I guess then we'll just sit, hmm?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Oh, I love all the woodwork.
Adrian Monk: Hey, don't touch that.
Natalie: What, wet paint?
Adrian Monk: No. Just don't touch it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: Uh, our time is up. Next session, let's pick it up right here, all right? What's, uh- What's, uh- What's good for you?
Adrian Monk: Uh, how's 3:00?
Dr. Bell: All right, 3:00. What day?
Adrian Monk: You know, today.
Dr. Bell: Today? That's- That's in two hours. You mean you want to come back?
Adrian Monk: Unless you have something sooner.
Dr. Bell: No, it's completely booked up.
Adrian Monk: What's tomorrow look like?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hey! Okay, what about this one? Here? Yeah?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, those are all closed. What do you want to do? Do you want to solve 'em again? You okay?
Adrian Monk: Just- I'm just tired. I'm tired.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why don't you go home?
Adrian Monk: Can't. Beethoven junior is still at it.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Come on, give me another one.
Lieutenant Disher: Safe water markers are traditionally...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Green and red horizontal stripes.
Lieutenant Disher: Nice.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm buying a boat next week If my loan comes through. Randy's helping me study for the maritime exam.
Lieutenant Disher: Here's one. What does this mean? Dot-dot-dash?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Morse code. You can skip that.
Lieutenant Disher: You know mores code?
Captain Stottlemeyer: My boys were both Boy Scouts.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah? I was an Eagle Scout.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Pamela Moody: I'm sorry. I'm a little confused. You're from homicide?
Lieutenant Disher: Uh, yes, ma'am. Our office has to sign off on the coroner's report.It's just a formality.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know this is a difficult time, Ms. Moody. It'll just take a couple of minutes.
Adrian Monk: Real estate agents? Are you selling the house?
Pamela Moody: We don't have a choice. There's no other family. Do you know anyone who's interested? It's a wonderful house, and we're flexible on the price. We just want to sell it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Your uncle had a private nurse named Miss Drake?
Pamela Moody: That's right. We were lucky to find her. She was wonderful.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Are these floors Douglas fir?
Pamela Moody: I think so.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: I can't believe you bought a house without telling me.
Adrian Monk: You would've said no.
Natalie: Well, let's see what Dr. Bell has to say about it.
Adrian Monk: Why should I care what this clown thinks?
Natalie: He's a therapist. He's supposed to be brilliant. He's written five books and he teaches at Stanford.
Adrian Monk: One minute to go. If he's late, we're leaving.
Natalie: Oh, look. His first name is Neven. N- e-v-e-n. N-e-v-e-n. It's a palindrome. That's a good sign.
Adrian Monk: It's not a perfect palindrome. The first "n" is capitalized.
Natalie: Dr. Kroger's name was Charles. That wasn't a palindrome.
Adrian Monk: Was to me.

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