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‘Mr. Monk Goes to Jail’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to Jail

216. Mr. Monk Goes to Jail

Aired March 5, 2004

After a death-row inmate is fatally poisoned hours before his execution, Dale the Whale asks Monk to solve the mystery in exchange for information about Trudy's death. [Guest stars: Kathy Baker, Danny Trejo, Tim Curry]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here. How about this? I'll pat myself down.
Guard: You're gonna pat yourself down?
Adrian Monk: I'm an honest man. I'm an ex-cop. You can trust me.
Guard: You're an ex-cop?
[Monk starts patting himself down. He pauses briefly to see the unimpressed reaction of the guard. As he resumes, he feels something in his own pocket]
Adrian Monk: Wait. Wait, wait. What's this? Oh, hey, hold on a second. What is this? Nail clippers? Where do I think I'm goin' with these? Can't bring that in here. I'll get these back when I leave.
Sharona: [to the guard] Thank you.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: I think you're right, but that still leaves us with the big question: Why would anybody bother to spike a condemned prisoner's last meal?
Adrian Monk: His last meal?
Warden Christie: He was scheduled to be executed at midnight.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you think?
Adrian Monk: I think I'm out of here. I'm going home.
Sharona: Adrian!
Adrian Monk: I'm not sure it matters who killed this guy. He was gonna die in 45 minutes anyway. Sharona, I hate this place. I-I-I can't breathe in here. It's like... It's like a prison.
Sharona: It is a prison!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Nazi Inmate #1: I haven't beaten up a white boy in a long time.
Nazi Inmate #2: It'll come back to you. It's like ridin' a bike.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Excuse me. [reorients the inmate's Swastika pin] You'll thank me later.
Nazi Inmate #1: This is gonna be fun.
Adrian Monk: Okay, but before the fun, you might wanna return Spyder Rudner's watch.
Nazi Inmate #1: What?
Adrian Monk: The watch you stole from his cell. Uh, you can either give it to Spyder, or you can give it to me, or you can give it to Spyder.
Nazi Inmate #1: [hands over watch] You're gonna wish you were never born.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm way ahead of you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dale Biederbeck: Adrian Monk, as I live and breathe.
Adrian Monk: Dale the Whale.
Dale Biederbeck: Hey, come in. The door's open. Apparently, they don't consider me much of an escape risk. Hey, hey, hey! Wipe your feet. They just cleaned my carpet.
Adrian Monk: You're looking well.
Dale Biederbeck: Oh, you smooth talker. Oh! You brought the irrepressible Sharona Fleming. Uh, are you guys hungry? Would you like an egg roll? It's not the best, but it's the only one that delivers. Okay, hit me. Ah. [spits out egg roll] You slut. It's cold. Nuke it!
Adrian Monk: It seems prison agrees with you, Dale.
Dale Biederbeck: Well, and why wouldn't it? After all, I've been inside this prison all of my life.
Adrian Monk: That's very poetic.
Dale Biederbeck: Well, of course, it doesn't compare with the prison you built for yourself.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dale Biederbeck: You help me, I'll help you. One hand washes the other. Now, there's a metaphor I know you can relate to. As you know, a man was murdered in here last night. Soon, the police, who are not as imaginative as you, will begin to focus on me. I had a motive. The young man owed me $1,200.
Adrian Monk: You wouldn't kill anyone for $1,200.
Dale Biederbeck: Well, you know that, but they don't. They've already questioned me twice. Here's my problem. As you can see, I have, uh, become accustomed to a certain standard of living in here. And until this case is solved, things are gonna be very difficult for me. For example, they were supposed to install a window in that wall, right there, so I could watch the sun set. I assume the sun still sets every evening. Adrian Monk, I want my window! Get me my window.
Adrian Monk: How?
Dale Biederbeck: Stay here. Solve the case.
Sharona: Forget about it. We're not gonna work for you, and we never will. Right? Right?
Adrian Monk: In exchange for what?
Dale Biederbeck: What you want, Adrian. What you need information. You solve this murder, and I tell you everything I know about the man who killed your wife.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Spyder Rudner: What happened to my bed?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I...
Spyder Rudner: Have you been touching my stuff?
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. Maybe a little. I-I just... Your sheets were all piled.
Spyder Rudner: You are a dead man! I am gonna gut you like a fish!
Adrian Monk: Are you... Are you looking for your shiv? Are you looking for your shiv? I moved it.
Spyder Rudner: You what?
Adrian Monk: It's in the book, in the binding. It- It- It- It's a better place to hide it.
Spyder Rudner: What'd you do to it?
Adrian Monk: I- I retaped it. I- I- I sharpened it.
Spyder Rudner: You sharpened my shiv. You made my bed. What are you in here for?
Adrian Monk: Embezzlement. I'm doin' a nickel.
Spyder Rudner: What's a "nickel"?
Adrian Monk: It means "five years." It's prison talk.
Spyder Rudner: No, it ain't.
Adrian Monk: It is in Lompoc.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Man: Hey, yo. Little help?
Adrian Monk: Uh... [looks at basketball]
Man: Yo. You got a problem?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I-I can't.
Man: What do you mean, you can't? Pick up the ball, homey. Are you dissin' me?
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, I'm not I'm not dissin' you. I'm- I'm giving you your props.
Man #2: Man, he clownin' you, man.
Adrian Monk: Props are good.

Quote from Sharona

Warden Christie: Miss Fleming, what the hell's going on?
Sharona: It's all about him.
Warden Christie: Lambert Lawson?
Sharona: Yes, yes. Lambert Lawson was suing the author of this book for millions of dollars.
Warden Christie: So what?
Sharona: So now that he's dead, the lawsuit's gonna be thrown out.
Warden Christie: What the hell does a dead billionaire have to do with one of my prisoners being poisoned?
Sharona: Everything, everything. Lambert Lawson died because he needed a kidney transplant. He was AB-negative with a "D" antigen. It's the rarest blood type in the world. Guess who had the same blood type?
Warden Christie: Ray Kaspo.

Quote from Sharona

Warden Christie: So Lawson was waiting for Ray Kaspo's kidney?
Sharona: Right, right. Meanwhile, J.T. DeMornay, who wrote this book, wanted Lawson dead.
Warden Christie: DeMornay. Do I know him?
Sharona: You know his mother Sylvia.
Warden Christie: The reading lady?
Sharona: Yep. She used her maiden name when she applied here. Here, read the dedication.
Warden Christie: "For my mother, Sylvia, who makes all things possible."
Sharona: She came here to kill Ray Kaspo. She paid Tucker the cook to spike his last meal with enough poison to destroy his organs.
Warden Christie: Wouldn't a lethal injection have ruined the kidneys anyway?
Sharona: No, no. The injection attacks the nervous system, not the organs. By destroying that kidney, she murdered Lawson to protect her son.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Adrian! Adrian!
Adrian Monk: Sharona.
Sharona: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I figured out why Mrs. Fairbourn...
Sharona: No, no. I know, I know. I just did the whole summation.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dale Biederbeck: Mr. M. Congratulations. I knew you could do it.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Dale. It was your faith in me that kept me going in my darkest hour.
Dale Biederbeck: [laughs] Oh, no.
Adrian Monk: I see you got your window.
Dale Biederbeck: Mm-hmm. Yep. Now I can see the world, but still not be part of the world. Something else we have in common.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: You promised us some information.
Dale Biederbeck: Did I? [laughs, coughs] Don't make me laugh. It hurts. All right. A deal is a deal. I'll tell you all I know. The bomb that took Trudy from you was not intended for you. It was meant for her. [Monk sits down]
Sharona: Adrian.
Adrian Monk: It was her they were after.
Dale Biederbeck: I know you've always blamed yourself for her death. Now you don't have to. I absolve you, Adrian Monk. [chuckles] That's my good deed for the decade.
Adrian Monk: Why? W- Why her?
Dale Biederbeck: Oh, I can't help you there. You ever been to New York?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dale Biederbeck: Have Sharona pack your bags. That's where you'll find the man you're looking for. His name is Warrick Tennyson.
Adrian Monk: Did- Did he kill her?
Dale Biederbeck: He was involved. That's all I have.
Sharona: How do you know all this?
Dale Biederbeck: Oh, sweetheart, I am Dale the Whale!
Sharona: You'd better not be lying to him.
Dale Biederbeck: It's the truth, as God is my witness.
Adrian Monk: He is your witness, and so am I.
Sharona: Well, I guess we're going to New York.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, congratulations, Monk. You solved the case.
Lieutenant Disher: It's all over the radio.
Adrian Monk: Oh, man.
Sharona: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Oh, the sky, the grass. I forgot how beautiful they were.
Lieutenant Disher: Monk, you were only in there for a day and a half.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, Randy, I did my bit, and I did it standing up. I'm gonna tell you people something. Prison changes a man.
Sharona: Don't you wish?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: What did Ray Kaspo do?
Lieutenant Disher: Six years ago, he shot a gas station attendant in a robbery.
Sharona: Well, maybe the victim's family did it for revenge.
Adrian Monk: No, no. That letter is from the victim's family. They say they forgive him that they're praying for him.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, maybe they lied.
Adrian Monk: No. Their name is Lapp. They're from Strasburg, Pennsylvania. They're Mennonite.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Pacifists. They don't believe in violence.

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: What is it you want, Dale? You said it was important.
Dale Biederbeck: Well, there's the Adrian Monk we know and love. Your fear is huge, but your curiosity is huger. I wanna make you an offer.
Sharona: Oh, please, drop dead.
Dale Biederbeck: Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you?
Sharona: Please, let's get out of here. Come on.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: You really think Dale the Whale's gonna help you? He hates you. You're the reason why he's in here.
Adrian Monk: I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. This is about Trudy now. I need you to help me focus.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I think if you put-
Rastafarian Cook: Do you love me?
Adrian Monk: No, no, I-
Rastafarian Cook: Then don't be touchin' me!
Sharona: [to Monk] Please, please. Stand here. Please? [to the cook] Hey, hey. You've been in rehab, right?
Rastafarian Cook: How did you know?
Sharona: I'm a nurse. I can see the track marks. So you know about addiction, right? Okay. Well, my boss has a jones for neatness, okay?
Adrian Monk: It's my jones.
Sharona: And he needs a fix real bad.
Rastafarian Cook: You talkin' about my hair?
Sharona: You know what it's like.
Rastafarian Cook: It's the worst feeling in the world. Sorry, brother. [tucks in braid of hair]
Adrian Monk: Thank you, brother.
Rastafarian Cook: [goes to shake Monk's hand] Not like that. Like this. [does a "dap" handshake]
Adrian Monk: Can you get a wipe? I think we're almost done.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Mrs. Fairbourn, you- you said you had some information for me?
Sylvia Fairbourn: Yes. I heard you were in here asking about Ray Kaspo. I don't know if it means anything, but he was in here a week ago, and I heard him talking to another inmate.
Adrian Monk: What were they talking about?
Sylvia Fairbourn: Well, Mr. Kaspo said that before he was injected, he intended to tell the world about what happened in Calgary.
Sharona: In Calgary?
Sylvia Fairbourn: Yes. And the other inmate said, "I'll see you in hell first."
Adrian Monk: Who was the other inmate?
Sylvia Fairbourn: His name is, uh, Darnell Rudner, and I believe they call him...
Adrian Monk: Spyder.
Sharona: Who's Spyder Rudner?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Warden Christie: I already talked to your captain. He said it's up to you. You'll have to sign this release.
Adrian Monk: I'll sign whatever you want.
Sharona: Adrian, he's killed four people.
Warden Christie: That we know of. Spyder Rudner is evil personified.
Sharona: Oh, my God. His first arrest was in the seventh grade.
Warden Christie: Are you sure you want to go undercover as an inmate?
Adrian Monk: There's no other way. If he knows I'm a cop, he'll never talk to me.
Warden Christie: If Spyder Rudner knows you're a cop, he'll kill you. He may kill you anyway just because it's Wednesday.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Warden Christie: Lucky for you, he's been in solitary all day, so he hasn't seen you around. You might get away with it for a day or two.
Sharona: Why was he in solitary?
[Monk starts fiddling with an item on the Warden's desk]
Warden Christie: He put a guy's head through a wall.
Sharona: Why?
Warden Christie: The guy touched his stuff.
Sharona: Adrian.
Adrian Monk: It's for Trudy.

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