Lt. Plato: If it's any consolation, your friend showed great courage. After he was run over, he crawled inch by inch through the mud and garbage trying to get help.
Sharona: He crawled through what?
Lt. Plato: Mud and garbage.
Sharona: He's not dead.
Capt. Alameda: Pardon me?
Sharona: It's not him!
Capt. Alameda: Senorita, your friend is gone.
Sharona: It's not him. Maybe it's the guy that stole our suitcases?
Lt. Plato: How can you be sure?
Sharona: Adrian Monk would die before he'd crawl through mud and garbage.
Capt. Alameda: But he was dying.
Sharona: You don't understand.

Captain Stottlemeyer: In a way, given what he had to deal with, he was the bravest man I've ever known. I measured everything I did against him. He was my yardstick. I never told him that.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm sure he knew, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] I'm sure he did. The son of a bitch knew everything. I want a full-dress funeral. I want the governor there. I want the entire department there with black armbands and white gloves.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, Monk wasn't on active duty. We can't go full dress.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors or I quit. I'm gonna tell you something, Randy, and I'm not ashamed to admit this. I loved that man. [answers phone] This is Stottlemeyer. Yes. I understand. [to Randy] I hate that man. [hangs up] I hate that man!

Sharona: We made it. Welcome to Mexico.
Adrian Monk: What are those?
Sharona: Earplugs.
Adrian Monk: You- You've had them in the whole trip?
Sharona: Since Los Angeles.
Adrian Monk: You haven't heard a word I've said.
Sharona: No.
Adrian Monk: I- I've been talking the whole time.
Sharona: Did you say anything important?
Adrian Monk: No.

Sharona: What do you think?
Adrian Monk: It's weird. Everything's weird. It's like another country.

Sharona: Adrian, take off your sunglasses.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Sharona: You look like a drug dealer.
Adrian Monk: No, I don't.
Sharona: I'm telling you, you do. You fit the profile perfectly. You have 18 suitcases and you're wearing a suit. I mean, if you were a cop, wouldn't you think you looked suspicious?
Mexican Border Agent: Buenos dias. How long will you be in Mexico?
Sharona: Two to three days.
Adrian Monk: I'm not a drug dealer.
Mexican Border Agent: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: I'm not a drug dealer.
Mexican Border Agent: Uh-huh. I want you to park over there and meet me inside.

Adrian Monk: Those are pillow cases and backup pillow cases.
Mexican Border Agent: And these are?
Adrian Monk: Moist towelettes.
Mexican Border Agent: Why so many?
Adrian Monk: In case I happen to, you know, meet people.
Mexican Border Agent: Senor, I think you have a very poor image of our country.
Sharona: Oh, no, no, no. It's not just you. He thinks everybody is dirty.
Mexican Border Agent: You must be a very lonely man, senor.
Adrian Monk: I am. Thank you.

Adrian Monk: They took all my food and water. What am I gonna eat and drink?
Sharona: Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico.
Adrian Monk: Answer the question! What am I gonna eat and drink?

Capt. Alameda: I'm afraid the nicer hotels in town were all booked up with American teenagers. It's, uh, spring break.
Sharona: Oh, this will be fine.
Lt. Plato: Oh, I didn't know whether to book one room or two?
Sharona: Two! Two rooms. Two. Uh, dos. Two. Two rooms.
Adrian Monk: I think they understand, Sharona.
Sharona: Oh, okay. Uh, two rooms.

Waiter: And for you, senor?
Adrian Monk: Do you have any Sierra Springs?
Waiter: No. Uh, we have Perrier.
Adrian Monk: No, thank you. Do you know anyone in town that sells Sierra Springs?
Waiter: I'm afraid not, senor. We have San Pellegrino.
Adrian Monk: No, thank you.
Waiter: We have Aquafina.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Waiter: We have Polaris.
Adrian Monk: No.
Waiter: Arrowhead.
Adrian Monk: No, thank you.
Waiter: Deer Park.
Adrian Monk: No.
Waiter: We have Evian. it's delicious, senor. It's our best seller.
Adrian Monk: It is? No, thank you. I'm sort of used to Sierra Springs.
Waiter: We have Aqua Fresca. It's owned by the same company that bottles Sierra Springs. They use the same water, senor.
Adrian Monk: No.
Waiter: But it's the same water, senor. It's just a different label.
Sharona: Adrian, it's the same water.
Adrian Monk: No, l... I'll be fine.
Sharona: How long can you go without drinking?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. What's the record?

Adrian Monk: I've never been prouder to be an American.
Sharona: They're having fun.
Adrian Monk: So this is fun? I've heard about fun. I've never been this close to it.