Jimmy Belmont: You know, there are no secrets in a town like this. I know all about you, former Detective Adrian Monk. I heard you were dancing with Sheriff Butterfield last night. Badly. Heard you were askin' about me. Well, here I am. Now, you wanna ask me something, you go right ahead.
Adrian Monk: Okay, what's back there? Let me guess. Fields of reefer.
Jimmy Belmont: Fields of reefer? What kinda cop were you?
Adrian Monk: You know what I mean. Ditchweed. Boo. The old Ali Baba.
Jimmy Belmont: What makes you think that I'd actually--
Adrian Monk: Magic dragon, bambalachi, Yellow Submarine, Black Bart, Dr. Giggles, Kentucky Blue. You know what I'm talkin' about. I'm talkin' about Railroad Weed, that's right. The Devil's Parsley. Skunk, Splim, Splam, Mooster. Side Salad.
Jimmy Belmont: Side Salad?

Oates: Son of a gun. You solved the case. You figured all that out just now? I can't quite get a handle on you, son. One minute, you're handcuffing yourself to a piece of farm machinery, sobbing like a schoolgirl. The next minute, you're putting all the little pieces together like Sherlock Holmes. Which is the real Adrian Monk?
Adrian Monk: I like to think that a man is made up of many different-
Oates: I think it's the schoolgirl.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, you're probably right.

Sheriff Butterfield: I told you to do something about the deer.
Lieutenant Disher: Actually, sheriff, the deer in the road was a big clue, was one of the keys to my solving the case.
Jimmy Belmont: What case? What am I doin' here? Sheriff, you said this was important.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I think solving a murder case is important. Don't you, Mr. Belmont? Here's what happened. My uncle must have stumbled across your secret crop. Oh, you know what I'm talking about, fields of reefer. [Jimmy looks at Monk] You lured him up here. We'll never know how, but at some point, you hit him.
Probably from behind. Then you put him in his pickup truck and you shot him. You shot him point-blank in the head.
Jimmy Belmont: You're delusional.
Lieutenant Disher: Am I? [to Monk] Am I?
Adrian Monk: You're doing fine, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: It had to look like a suicide. You need a motive. So you killed or drugged Nadine and left her on the road. Then you backed up the truck and put salt licks under the fender. Probably the same four salt licks that are missing from your supply shed. Then you went to the dance and made sure you were seen. It was a perfect alibi. And that is how you did it, Mr. Belmont.
Deputy Hatcher: Uh, I'm not following.
Adrian Monk: Randy, I don't think you're quite done. Remember, you mentioned that part about the.... [imitates sprinklers] sprinklers.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes. I'm not done yet. The sprinklers! At 8:00, the sprinklers kicked on and melted the blocks of salt. Touchdown! When the lights flickered, you were half a mile away in front of 50 witnesses. As pretty a piece of homicide as I've ever encountered. Where were you?
Adrian Monk: I... I guess I just... I don't know.
Lieutenant Disher: I understand. You're in a slump. Don't worry, I've been there. Just give it time, you'll be back.

Adrian Monk: [coughs]
Lieutenant Disher: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. It's just, you know everything. The earth and the outdoors. All the animals and animal by-products.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, you know, all the food you eat comes from farms just like this.
Adrian Monk: Not anymore. Not as of the last 23 minutes.

Oates: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Oates, thank God! Where's Randy?
Oates: He's asleep. I can't help but noticing that you're handcuffing yourself to that grain drill.
Adrian Monk: I inhaled some reefer!
Oates: I gotcha.
Adrian Monk: I think it's gonna kick in any minute. Here's the thing. I can't tolerate any drugs or medication. It's my metabolism. I don't know what- I don't know what's gonna happen to me. I might go berserk. I might hurt somebody! Oates. Dude, here. Here. Listen, whatever happens, don't don't unlock me. No matter what I say, even if I'm begging you! Oh, my God. Here it comes. Here it comes. Oh, God! I think it's starting.
Oates: We're talking about marijuana, right?
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh. Riverdance! Oh! Oh! I-- I can feel it. I'm-- I'm getting hungry.
Oates: Did you have dinner? We got some pecan pie in the fridge.
Adrian Monk: It's the munchies! Oates, don't-- Whatever you do, don't put anything near my mouth!
Oates: Can do! But I gotta say, you know, I've had some experience in this area, and I don't think you're stoned at all.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no? No?! I see lights flickering!
Oates: Yeah, they're fireflies.

Adrian Monk: I still can't believe they wanted $20 to deliver this stuff. Who's laughin' now?
Natalie: [carrying a box of flowers] Yeah, we are. We're laughin'.
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Natalie, that's dirt. That's dirt. You're gonna drag dirt all through the kitchen. Wait there. Don't move.
Natalie: Oh, come on, Mr. Monk. It's heavy!
Adrian Monk: Don't move.
Natalie: Hurry.
Adrian Monk: Sorry, I just-- I have a thing about dirt. It's just so dirty, you know? I'll bet that's how it got its name. Dirt.

Adrian Monk: [on the phone] How's it goin' up there?
Lieutenant Disher: Actually, Monk, that's why I'm calling. Something came up. You know about my uncle, right?
Adrian Monk: Your uncle. The dead one?
Natalie: Mr. Monk!
Lieutenant Disher: Well, they say he committed suicide. But I started asking around, and some things just don't add up. Unless I'm wrong, which I probably am. Monk, do you think you can come up here and take a look around?
Adrian Monk: You're on a farm.
Lieutenant Disher: It'll only take a few hours.
Adrian Monk: A few hours. On- On a farm?
Lieutenant Disher: Monk, I think somebody killed my uncle.
Adrian Monk: Randy, I'd like to. I really would. But, um, you're on a farm. [to Natalie] He wants us to come up there?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I can't. Julie has school.
Adrian Monk: Natalie can't come. Sorry.
Lieutenant Disher: Monk, you can come alone. Please. There's a bus.
Adrian Monk: A bus. To a farm. A bus to the- A bus!? A bus? A bus to the farm?

Adrian Monk: Bambalachi. Reefer! [coughs] Reefer! Reefer!

Man: [on tape] You're a tiger, a wild carnivore, stalking through the jungle.
Lieutenant Disher: [sleep talking] I'm a tiger. In the jungle.
Adrian Monk: [stops tape] Randy, you were right. Belmont killed your uncle.
Lieutenant Disher: Killed my uncle.
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened...

Captain Stottlemeyer: What's this?
Lieutenant Disher: I have a-- I have a new technique. Go to sleep, wake up, case is solved.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good for you.
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know how I do it. It just happens. Here, what are you working on?
Captain Stottlemeyer: A double homicide in the Castro--
Lieutenant Disher: Great, I'll take it. Cold case?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Lieutenant Disher: Good, I'll take that one too.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, I...
Lieutenant Disher: I missed you too. [lays down on Stottlemeyer's couch] All right. See you in a couple of hours. Just try to keep it down a little bit.