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‘Mr. Monk Visits a Farm’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Visits a Farm

514. Mr. Monk Visits a Farm

Aired February 9, 2007

After an embarrassing screw-up at work, Lieutenant Disher hands in his badge and goes to live on the family farm he just inherited, but he gets the feeling his uncle's death was no suicide.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Jimmy Belmont: You know, there are no secrets in a town like this. I know all about you, former Detective Adrian Monk. I heard you were dancing with Sheriff Butterfield last night. Badly. Heard you were askin' about me. Well, here I am. Now, you wanna ask me something, you go right ahead.
Adrian Monk: Okay, what's back there? Let me guess. Fields of reefer.
Jimmy Belmont: Fields of reefer? What kinda cop were you?
Adrian Monk: You know what I mean. Ditchweed. Boo. The old Ali Baba.
Jimmy Belmont: What makes you think that I'd actually--
Adrian Monk: Magic dragon, bambalachi, Yellow Submarine, Black Bart, Dr. Giggles, Kentucky Blue. You know what I'm talkin' about. I'm talkin' about Railroad Weed, that's right. The Devil's Parsley. Skunk, Splim, Splam, Mooster. Side Salad.
Jimmy Belmont: Side Salad?

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Oates: Son of a gun. You solved the case. You figured all that out just now? I can't quite get a handle on you, son. One minute, you're handcuffing yourself to a piece of farm machinery, sobbing like a schoolgirl. The next minute, you're putting all the little pieces together like Sherlock Holmes. Which is the real Adrian Monk?
Adrian Monk: I like to think that a man is made up of many different-
Oates: I think it's the schoolgirl.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, you're probably right.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Sheriff Butterfield: I told you to do something about the deer.
Lieutenant Disher: Actually, sheriff, the deer in the road was a big clue, was one of the keys to my solving the case.
Jimmy Belmont: What case? What am I doin' here? Sheriff, you said this was important.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I think solving a murder case is important. Don't you, Mr. Belmont? Here's what happened. My uncle must have stumbled across your secret crop. Oh, you know what I'm talking about, fields of reefer. [Jimmy looks at Monk] You lured him up here. We'll never know how, but at some point, you hit him.
Probably from behind. Then you put him in his pickup truck and you shot him. You shot him point-blank in the head.
Jimmy Belmont: You're delusional.
Lieutenant Disher: Am I? [to Monk] Am I?
Adrian Monk: You're doing fine, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: It had to look like a suicide. You need a motive. So you killed or drugged Nadine and left her on the road. Then you backed up the truck and put salt licks under the fender. Probably the same four salt licks that are missing from your supply shed. Then you went to the dance and made sure you were seen. It was a perfect alibi. And that is how you did it, Mr. Belmont.
Deputy Hatcher: Uh, I'm not following.
Adrian Monk: Randy, I don't think you're quite done. Remember, you mentioned that part about the.... [imitates sprinklers] sprinklers.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes. I'm not done yet. The sprinklers! At 8:00, the sprinklers kicked on and melted the blocks of salt. Touchdown! When the lights flickered, you were half a mile away in front of 50 witnesses. As pretty a piece of homicide as I've ever encountered. Where were you?
Adrian Monk: I... I guess I just... I don't know.
Lieutenant Disher: I understand. You're in a slump. Don't worry, I've been there. Just give it time, you'll be back.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [coughs]
Lieutenant Disher: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. It's just, you know everything. The earth and the outdoors. All the animals and animal by-products.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, you know, all the food you eat comes from farms just like this.
Adrian Monk: Not anymore. Not as of the last 23 minutes.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Oates: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Oates, thank God! Where's Randy?
Oates: He's asleep. I can't help but noticing that you're handcuffing yourself to that grain drill.
Adrian Monk: I inhaled some reefer!
Oates: I gotcha.
Adrian Monk: I think it's gonna kick in any minute. Here's the thing. I can't tolerate any drugs or medication. It's my metabolism. I don't know what- I don't know what's gonna happen to me. I might go berserk. I might hurt somebody! Oates. Dude, here. Here. Listen, whatever happens, don't don't unlock me. No matter what I say, even if I'm begging you! Oh, my God. Here it comes. Here it comes. Oh, God! I think it's starting.
Oates: We're talking about marijuana, right?
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh. Riverdance! Oh! Oh! I-- I can feel it. I'm-- I'm getting hungry.
Oates: Did you have dinner? We got some pecan pie in the fridge.
Adrian Monk: It's the munchies! Oates, don't-- Whatever you do, don't put anything near my mouth!
Oates: Can do! But I gotta say, you know, I've had some experience in this area, and I don't think you're stoned at all.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no? No?! I see lights flickering!
Oates: Yeah, they're fireflies.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I still can't believe they wanted $20 to deliver this stuff. Who's laughin' now?
Natalie: [carrying a box of flowers] Yeah, we are. We're laughin'.
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Natalie, that's dirt. That's dirt. You're gonna drag dirt all through the kitchen. Wait there. Don't move.
Natalie: Oh, come on, Mr. Monk. It's heavy!
Adrian Monk: Don't move.
Natalie: Hurry.
Adrian Monk: Sorry, I just-- I have a thing about dirt. It's just so dirty, you know? I'll bet that's how it got its name. Dirt.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [on the phone] How's it goin' up there?
Lieutenant Disher: Actually, Monk, that's why I'm calling. Something came up. You know about my uncle, right?
Adrian Monk: Your uncle. The dead one?
Natalie: Mr. Monk!
Lieutenant Disher: Well, they say he committed suicide. But I started asking around, and some things just don't add up. Unless I'm wrong, which I probably am. Monk, do you think you can come up here and take a look around?
Adrian Monk: You're on a farm.
Lieutenant Disher: It'll only take a few hours.
Adrian Monk: A few hours. On- On a farm?
Lieutenant Disher: Monk, I think somebody killed my uncle.
Adrian Monk: Randy, I'd like to. I really would. But, um, you're on a farm. [to Natalie] He wants us to come up there?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I can't. Julie has school.
Adrian Monk: Natalie can't come. Sorry.
Lieutenant Disher: Monk, you can come alone. Please. There's a bus.
Adrian Monk: A bus. To a farm. A bus to the- A bus!? A bus? A bus to the farm?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Bambalachi. Reefer! [coughs] Reefer! Reefer!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Man: [on tape] You're a tiger, a wild carnivore, stalking through the jungle.
Lieutenant Disher: [sleep talking] I'm a tiger. In the jungle.
Adrian Monk: [stops tape] Randy, you were right. Belmont killed your uncle.
Lieutenant Disher: Killed my uncle.
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened...

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: What's this?
Lieutenant Disher: I have a-- I have a new technique. Go to sleep, wake up, case is solved.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good for you.
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know how I do it. It just happens. Here, what are you working on?
Captain Stottlemeyer: A double homicide in the Castro--
Lieutenant Disher: Great, I'll take it. Cold case?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Lieutenant Disher: Good, I'll take that one too.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, I...
Lieutenant Disher: I missed you too. [lays down on Stottlemeyer's couch] All right. See you in a couple of hours. Just try to keep it down a little bit.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Okay, this is it, room 109. He's flushing the drugs. We gotta take him now.
Uniform Officer: The captain said to wait.
Lieutenant Disher: No, no time. Let's do it. Police officers! Watch her! Show me your hands. Now! Right now! Hands up! Hands on the wall!
Old Man: What are you doing?
Lieutenant Disher: What are you doing, you son of a bitch? Against the wall.
Woman: Oh, my God, leave him alone!
Lieutenant Disher: Tell your hooker to shut up.
Man: My hooker? Who are you?
Lieutenant Disher: I'm a cop. You wanna tell me what you just flushed down the toilet?
Man: No.
Lieutenant Disher: All right, Alfonso. We'll do it your way. You have the right to remain silent...
Man: Who the hell is Alfonso?
Lieutenant Disher: Anything you do say can be used against you- [lights go on]
Woman: Oh, Bernie! Oh, Bernie! Get away!
[Disher takes the piece of paper with the room number from his pockets. As he turns it around, he suspects the actual room number was 601, not 109.]
Uniform Officer: There he goes! Alfonso! Police! Police! Drop the gun!
Lieutenant Disher: I'm, uh-- I'm really sorry, mister.
Woman: His name is Bernard Garrison. He is a retired lawyer.
Man: I'm not retired anymore.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, don't do this.
Lieutenant Disher: It's effective as of noon today. So I have, uh, nine minutes left. If there's anything you need me to do quickly. Maybe some filing. Now it's 8 minutes and 49 seconds.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, I know how you feel. You screwed up. Everybody screws up.
Lieutenant Disher: You're right. Everybody does screw up. But I am a screwup. There's a difference. You need to sign for those.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We picked up Rivera this morning-
Lieutenant Disher: No thanks to me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You don't have to worry about Garrison. State's Attorney's negotiating with him. He's gonna settle. They always do. Randy, son, this badge represents ten years of your life. Ten years of good work.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Thank you for letting me keep my bags up top. Is this where I get the bus to go back?
Bus Driver: No!

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Man: [on tape] And these changes are like ripples on a pond. But is that enough? Are you satisfied being just a ripple?
Lieutenant Disher: [sleep talking] No. Not a ripple.
Man: You are a tidal wave. Say it with me.
Lieutenant Disher: I am a tidal wave.
Man: I love and approve of myself.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Oates: Mr. D. Hey, tidal wave. You got company.
Lieutenant Disher: Who is it?
Oates: Funny fellow, kinda nervous.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, it's Monk. Okay, okay. I'm up. I'm up. Oh, hey, something smells good. What's for breakfast?
Oates: It's lunch. Been up since 5:00.
Lieutenant Disher: O'clock?
Oates: Yes, o'clock.
Lieutenant Disher: Why? I know, farm stuff. You shoulda woken me up.
Oates: I did.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Well, I love it. I used to come up here every summer, helping Uncle Harvey run the place. Still can't believe it's all mine. It's all mine. It's my farm. I own a farm. I'm the farmer in the dell.
Oates: Got that tractor runnin'.
Lieutenant Disher: Was it broken?
Oates: Since Tuesday.
Lieutenant Disher: But it's working now. Good. Good, good man, Oates.
Oates: You feed the jerseys?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, I did.
Oates: Today?
Lieutenant Disher: No, not today, exactly.
Oates: They gotta be fed every day. Animals eat every day. I'll do it.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Oates, Oates, would you tell Monk what you were telling me the other day?
Oates: You mean about how you're not cut out to-- No, no, no, no. Um, about Uncle Harvey.
Oates: Well, I've been working this farm for 20 years. Your uncle was a tad peculiar, especially about Nadine.
Adrian Monk: Nadine?
Lieutenant Disher: Uh, his pig. It was like his child.
Oates: Old Harvey was a character. There's no denying it. But it was just him and me up here. I knew that man better than I knew myself. I could live a thousand years before I'd believe that he tried to do himself in.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: This is exactly how they found it. They were gonna tow it away, but I took another look. Something just didn't feel right. I covered it up, and I called you.
Adrian Monk: I'm glad you did.
Lieutenant Disher: Really?
Adrian Monk: No.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Where was the pig?
Lieutenant Disher: She was right there on the road.
Adrian Monk: So according to the police, your uncle was driving home, lost control of the truck, and accidentally ran over Nadine, his beloved prize-winning 200-pound pig.
Lieutenant Disher: She was Pig of the Year three years in a row.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to to meet her. So he-- he hit Nadine, and then he careened off the road and into the electric fence. And he realized what he had done. "Oh, my God, I killed the Pig of the Year." And he was so depressed, he was- He was so overcome with grief, that he grabbed the rifle from that gun rack and killed himself.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. That's the official version. But look at this. Uncle Harvey kept a handgun under the seat. Why didn't he just use it? It would have been a lot easier.
Adrian Monk: So you think he was killed by somebody who didn't know about the handgun.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Did he have any enemies?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I've been asking around. Two days before the accident, he was seen arguing with Jimmy Belmont. He's another farmer. He lives up the road.
Adrian Monk: Arguing about what?
Lieutenant Disher: Nobody knows.
Adrian Monk: People argue all the time, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay, okay, I know. But what about this? How did Nadine get out of her pen? She was locked up 24/7, and she wouldn't let anybody near her except Uncle Harvey.
Adrian Monk: Okay, yeah, maybe... Maybe she was drugged. Where's the pig? Maybe we could have them do an autopsy.
Lieutenant Disher: We ate her.
Adrian Monk: You ate the pig.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I know. I'm an idiot.
Adrian Monk: No, I didn't-
Lieutenant Disher: No, I'm... See, Monk? That's why I'm not a cop. What kind of cop eats a crucial piece of evidence?

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