Adrian Monk: You want to make sure those doors are double bolted and change the locks.
Kim Kelly: Yes, sir. I'll take care of it.
Adrian Monk: Oh, and you're gonna need to black out all those windows. Buy some curtains. Make sure they're heavy. Remember when Billy and Danny rigged all the window curtains to make you think there was a ghost? That was another classic. [looks at the ceiling above the bed] A mirror? Oh, very good. Excellent precaution. I see, so that if you're lying in bed and someone breaks in through that door... You have the... Triangul... I don't get it.
Christine Rapp: It's more of a personal thing. You know, you should really read my book.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, I can't wait.

Adrian Monk: This is unbelievable. Of course someone's trying to kill her. Anyone she's ever met has a motive. Anyone who's ever read this has a motive. There's a page missing, page 73.
Natalie: Maybe it fell out.
Adrian Monk: Pages just don't fall out.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it fell out.
Adrian Monk: It was torn out.
Natalie: It fell out. Stop it, stop it, stop it. No! No, Mr. Monk, you don't want to see page 73.
Adrian Monk: What? It can't be any worse than the rest of it.
Natalie: You wanna bet?
Adrian Monk: I have to know.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, please. Mr. Monk, please.
Adrian Monk: It's my book. Let me see it. Let me see it. [Natalie eats the page] What are you doing?
Natalie: It's for your own good.

Adrian Monk: I know this sounds crazy, but I've seen this handwriting somewhere before.
Natalie: Where?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Somewhere.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, he's obviously disguising it. He probably uses his left hand.
Natalie: That makes sense.
Lieutenant Disher: Or if he was a lefty he used his right hand.
Natalie: That makes sense.
Lieutenant Disher: Or if he was ambidextrous, he probably got drunk and then wrote it.
Natalie: That makes less sense.

[fantasy:]
Adrian Monk: I'm talking about her Silver Globe Award. You didn't really earn this, did you?
Kathy Cooper: I don't know what you're talking about.
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. Thirty-five years ago after this show was cancelled, your career was in trouble.
Kathy Cooper: I'm not listening.
Adrian Monk: And when you were nominated for this award, you knew it was your last chance, and you would do anything to win. You met a fan named Victor Timlinson. He told you where he worked. It was the luckiest break of your career. He worked for an accounting firm called Fineman and Kelly. They tabulated the ballots for all the big award shows. Including the Silver Globes. He worked in the mail room, witch meant his the first person to see the ballots. I don't know how you did it. Maybe you paid him off. Or flirted with him. But somehow you convinced him to rig the final tally. Years went by, you probably figured you'd never see him again. But when he read about your big book deal, Mr. Timlinson reappeared. He got greedy. He tried to shake you down. He threatened to tell the world the truth about how you really won this. And you knew if you paid him, he'd eventually want more. They always do. So you decided to kill him.
Kathy Cooper: That's crazy talk.
Adrian Monk: You set him up! You sent those letters to yourself. You even blew up your own car. On Monday night, you arranged to meet him at that motel. Or should I say, you arranged to murder him in cold blood. You shot him. You planted that knife in his hand and those letters in his coat.
Mrs. Cooper: Kathy, we've talked about this. Killing people is never the answer.
Mr. Cooper: I'm afraid you're grounded, young lady.
Kathy Cooper: It's not fair. He doesn't have any proof. The D.A. is gonna laugh you out of his office.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so, 'cause I found this in Timlinson's apartment in a hollowed-out book. The original ballots. Timlinson must have kept a couple as an insurance policy.

Natalie: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: How is that?
Natalie: It's filthy. I thought I was a wild child. Look at this.
Lieutenant Disher: That's got to be a typo.
Natalie: That is not a typo. And look at this. "Chapter five: Boy crazy." There's a list.
Lieutenant Disher: Whoa. Ricardo Montalban. Dudley Moore. Cheech, Chong, Cheech and Chong. Why is there an asterisk next to Bob Denver? Oh, my God.
Natalie: Oh, that's not even the worst part. Look. Page 73.
Lieutenant Disher: Is that even possible?
Natalie: This is gonna kill Mr. Monk. He's her biggest fan.

Adrian Monk: Captain, captain, is she, is she okay? Oh, my God.
Captain Stottlemeyer: She's okay. She wasn't in the car. She had a remote control starter on her keychain. Thing saved her life.
Adrian Monk: Oh, thank God.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Do you know her?
Adrian Monk: In a way, I watched her grow up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You watched her grow up? Oh, on television.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I never missed an episode. I was kinda obsessed with the show.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really? Can't imagine.
Adrian Monk: Galvanized pipe bomb?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep, electric blasting cap wired to the ignition. Very simple, very crude. Anyone who's online could have built it. Means anybody could have done it but you.

Christine Rapp: Let me guess, you never miss a rerun.
Adrian Monk: Reruns?
Christine Rapp: Are you telling me you know every line of dialogue but you haven't seen an episode in 35 years?
Adrian Monk: Not crazy, just a fan.

Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. My God. Oh, my God.
Natalie: You okay?
Adrian Monk: This is horrible. It's horrible. What are you drinking?
Natalie: Tea.
Adrian Monk: Is it hot?
Natalie: Yes.
Adrian Monk: Good. Pour it into my eyes.
Natalie: Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Do it, blind me.

Adrian Monk: Episode four, "Broken Arm, Broken Heart."
Natalie: Good choice. Episode four. [theme song plays]
Adrian Monk: Picture go fast.
Natalie: It just started.
Adrian Monk: Picture go fast. [show fast-forwards] Picture regular.
Natalie: Picture regular.

Bookstore Manager: Uh, excuse me.
Adrian Monk: Is there a problem?
Bookstore Manager: This page is from a different book. It's been taped in.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Bookstore Manager: "Oliver was told that he might do what he like with his old clothes. He gave them to a servant who'd been kind to him." This is from Oliver Twist.
Natalie: I told you. I'm sorry, I tried to tell him.
Adrian Monk: Now I remember. See, she ate page 73, so I put another page in there, a different page.
Bookstore Manager: You ruined the book.
Adrian Monk: Actually, I improved the book. That's Charles Dickens. It's a classic.
Bookstore Manager: I don't understand. Why would you do this?
Adrian Monk: I believe the sign says, "No questions."