Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy

808. Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy

Aired October 9, 2009

After Monk's insurer alters their coverage, he is forced to attend Dr. Bell's group therapy session as they deal with the loss of one of their members.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Natalie: So it was suicide?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. Look at his wrists. Hair has been pulled out. Someone taped them. He was tied up.
Lieutenant Disher: Could be a serial killer. He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights, so he pushed him off the roof.
Adrian Monk: Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.
Lieutenant Disher: That's different. It's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The Opposite Killer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building?
Lieutenant Disher: What do you think the opposite of a spider is?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I have no idea, but it's not a tall building.
Lieutenant Disher: Mmm. Tell that to the Opposite Killer.
Natalie: Are you crying?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I have allergies.

Rate

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Where's the towel? There's no towel next to the pool. I wouldn't go swimming first thing in the morning in October without a towel. I mean, I wouldn't go swimming anyway, but you see what I mean. I think she was killed.
Lieutenant Disher: Let me guess. The victim was not afraid of water. It's him, The Opposite Killer. That's his M.O.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There is no Opposite Killer. If there were, you would have been killed by a falling rocket scientist years ago.

Quote from Harold Krenshaw

Dr. Bell: All right, hold on here. Adrian was trying to warn us.
Harold Krenshaw: A classic cry for help. Or was it an attempt to divert suspicion? Hmm. Do you even have an alibi for Wednesday?
Adrian Monk: No.
Harold Krenshaw: How about when Barbara was killed? [Monk shakes his head] Of course you don't. Here's what happened. The HMO changed their policy, no more private sessions. You were desperate. You needed to kill one of us. So there'd be an opening in the group. Do you deny it?
Adrian Monk: [stands up] Of course I deny it.
Harold Krenshaw: Which is exactly what a guilty man would say!
Adrian Monk: That's true.
Harold Krenshaw: Augie was next. You lured him up to the roof. It was easy he trusted you. But I don't. You're planning to pick us off, one by one, until you have Neven all to yourself. He's the guy.
Dr. Bell: Harold, what you are suggesting is absurd. Adrian's not capable of killing anyone. Mr. Monk, you're not a killer.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: "Fear of bees."
Dr. Bell: Bees. Well, luckily we live in a more urban environment, so the fear of bees...
Adrian Monk: Pass. Fear of blenders.
Dr. Bell: Well, if you don't own a blender, then, actually...
Adrian Monk: Pass. "Fear of bees in blenders."

Quote from Harold Krenshaw

[Harold walks about the room with his hands held out front, just like Monk]
Adrian Monk: What in God's name are you doing?
Harold Krenshaw: Investigating.
Dr. Bell: Harold, please sit down.
Harold Krenshaw: Who had a motive a motive for murder? [turning to Monk] You did. You resent the group. Admit it, you want Neven all to yourself!
Adrian Monk: That's ridiculous.
Harold Krenshaw: Is it? Which of us would know how to commit a perfect crime without leaving a single clue? Who's the famous homicide expert?
Adrian Monk: I am.
Harold Krenshaw: And who's in the perfect position to steer the investigation away from himself?
Adrian Monk: Me.

Quote from Harold Krenshaw

Harold Krenshaw: Oh, no.
Adrian Monk: What?
Harold Krenshaw: That's Neven's house.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Harold Krenshaw: He had a cocktail party last summer.
Adrian Monk: And he invited you?
Harold Krenshaw: I didn't say that.
Adrian Monk: Okay, we- We have to find a phone and call the police.
Harold Krenshaw: There's not enough time. It takes the police 4 minutes and 20 seconds to get here. Don't ask.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: What is this?
Adrian Monk: It's from my insurance company.
Dr. Bell: Oh, yes. So I see.
Adrian Monk: Today's session is number 2,000. This is it. This is my last session.
Dr. Bell: This is the last session they'll reimburse you for, but you always have the option of paying yourself.
Adrian Monk: Well, how much is it?
Dr. Bell: It's 200.
Adrian Monk: Dollars? $200? This is my last session.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, my God, we have 48 minutes. It's my last shot. We have to really focus, really focus.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, I don't know how much we can do in one session.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I made a list of all of my problems here, so...
Dr. Bell: Well, Adrian, that's- That's not how it works. You see, therapy is an ongoing process, and the progress is incremental.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, we have to try, okay? Let's knock off as many as we can, all right? "My fear of disappointing my father." Go.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, I'm not comfortable working under this kind of pressure. All right, all right. Hold on. Okay, let's see now. We've talked about this before. The loss of your father came at an impressionable time in your life, and I think it created an emotional vacuum.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, okay. Forget that one. We'll never get that one. "Germophobia."
Dr. Bell: Adrian, this is not a game show.
Adrian Monk: Germophobia.
Dr. Bell: All right, germophobia. All right, germophobia. Your fear of germs is not unusual. Some people find that it helps to read scientific journals to demystify...
Adrian Monk: Yeah, pass. Okay, "sibling rivalry."
Dr. Bell: Well, I've never met Ambrose.
Adrian Monk: Pass!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: God. I've been in therapy for ten years. I have to have something to show for it. I mean, I we have to cure something here. Ah, "Death of my mother." Pass. Fear of height, pass. "Fear of fear itself." Oh, yeah! Here- Here's one. "Claustrophobia."
Dr. Bell: Claustrophobia. Now, we've discussed that. We talked about visualization. You remember that. I said if you ever feel trapped somewhere. You can imagine a door.
Adrian Monk: I tried that once, but the door was locked.
Dr. Bell: Just imagine you have a key.
Adrian Monk: I tried that. The key didn't fit.
Dr. Bell: Maybe it's a skeleton key.
Adrian Monk: Okay, this is not working! Come on! We have 46 minutes left. You got to try harder. Cure me, for god's sake.

Quote from Harold Krenshaw

Dr. Bell: And of course, you know Harold.
Harold Krenshaw: Hello, Adrian. I just want you to know, for the record, I'm glad you're here. And I don't feel threatened in the slightest. I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I hope we can put our differences aside and work with Neven together as a team. After all, it takes a village.
Adrian Monk: You call him Neven?
Harold Krenshaw: Mmm-hmm.
Dr. Bell: Well, things are a little less formal in group therapy.
Harold Krenshaw: [offers hand] Oh, you still can't shake hands. I see we have our work cut out for us.
Adrian Monk: I can shake hands. [shakes Harold's hand, then gets a wipe out]
Harold Krenshaw: Oh, I used to use a wipe too. Remember? I was so germophobic. I'd always have a wipe in my pocket, like this, and I'd wipe my hands, like this, and then I'd fold it up into a little square and put it in my other pocket, like this. [does so] I was pathetic.

Quote from Harold Krenshaw

Dr. Bell: Okay, now, you see, now, now, we all have problems.
Adrian Monk: You're just jealous. You've been jealous of me since the first day we met, which, by the way, I like to refer to as Black Tuesday.
Harold Krenshaw: Why would I be jealous of you?
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Harold Krenshaw: I made $210,000 last year. How much did you make?
Adrian Monk: $2 million.
Harold Krenshaw: Liar! He's lying. Admit it, Adrian. My success is killing you. It's eating you up.
Adrian Monk: What success?
Harold Krenshaw: I'm on the city council. People voted for me.
Adrian Monk: Because they don't know you! Did anybody here vote for this clown?
Rhonda: Not me.
Adrian Monk: Dr. Bell, you're in his district. Did you vote for him?
Dr. Bell: You not supposed to ask that question.
Adrian Monk: That's a no. See, Neven didn't vote for you, Harold. Suck on that.
Harold Krenshaw: I'm gonna rezone your whole neighborhood. I can do that!
Adrian Monk: Why don't you rezone your...
Harold Krenshaw: I'm gonna put a Kentucky Fried Chicken on your roof!
Dr. Bell: Stop it! Stop it, please!
Harold Krenshaw: I know where your roof is!

Quote from Harold Krenshaw

Harold Krenshaw: Excuse me! He has 20 items.
Adrian Monk: It's only one item. They're all the same.
Harold Krenshaw: But you're buying 20.
Adrian Monk: But it's the same item.
Harold Krenshaw: But you're buying 20.
Adrian Monk: Of the same item.
Harold Krenshaw: There's the sign. It doesn't say 12 different items.
Cashier: I think it's 12 items total.
Harold Krenshaw: Thank you.
Natalie: Here, I'm buying the first ten, and he's buying the rest.
Harold Krenshaw: Well played, Adrian, well played.

Quote from Harold Krenshaw

Harold Krenshaw: Actually, we have some news too.
Adrian Monk: Right. Well, Harold and I were locked in the trunk, but we dealt with it. We had a real breakthrough. Actually, I- I definitely think we can cross claustrophobia off both of our lists.
Xavier Danko: Dr. Bell, do you believe in God?
Harold Krenshaw: Hey. Excuse me. My friend was just talking. We didn't interrupt you. Go ahead.
Adrian Monk: See, what we realized was the trunk was protecting us from germs.
Harold Krenshaw: Nature.
Adrian Monk: Snakes.
Harold Krenshaw: And my mother...

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Natalie: It's from your HMO.
Adrian Monk: Don't open that.
Natalie: It says "important."
Adrian Monk: All the more reason to just throw it out.
Natalie: Maybe it's good news.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, good news from my HMO. What do you think, I won a free colonoscopy?

Quote from Harold Krenshaw

Dr. Bell: All right, deep breath. Good. Adrian, in our last private session, we talked a bit about claustrophobia. I think that's a good place to start, since that's a condition that all of you have in common.
Harold Krenshaw: Not me.
Adrian Monk: Oh, please.
Harold Krenshaw: I mean, not anymore. I used to hate tight spaces, but Neven cured me.
Dr. Bell: Really? You're cured? But you never mentioned that.
Harold Krenshaw: I was about to when Adrian walked in. You know what did it? Visualization. That was really great advice, Dr. B. I visualized a door, and then I visualized a key to the door.
Dr. Bell: Well, that's great. I'm really happy for you.
Harold Krenshaw: Well, I couldn't have done it without you, Doc. You're a God. Thank you. Gracias. Merci beaucoup. Danke schoen. Spasibo. Arigato! Cam on anh. That's, Vietnamese.

Quote from Harold Krenshaw

Adrian Monk: I tried it. Visualization, the key and the door. It didn't work.
Harold Krenshaw: Why don't you have your assistant visualize it for you?
Augie Wellman: You have an assistant?
Dr. Bell: Yes, Adrian has a very difficult job, which requires an assistant. He's a decorated police detective. He's a real hero.
Harold Krenshaw: What about us? I mean, we're out there all alone, assistant-less. We have no help. We have no one to lean on. We're the real heroes.
Augie Wellman: I think Barbara's the lucky one. She doesn't have to deal with any of this crap anymore.
Dr. Bell: Yeah, I know. And I'm gonna miss her too. We all miss her. We'll be grieving for a long time.
Harold Krenshaw: [sighs] I wish I had an assistant. She could grieve for me.
Adrian Monk: What is your problem?
Harold Krenshaw: What is your problem?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, my God.
Natalie: What? What is it? I think somebody is killing off my therapy group.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're smiling.
Adrian Monk: Sorry. Somebody is killing off my therapy group.
Natalie: You're still smiling.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're not a killer.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure?
Natalie: Yes, of course I am.
Adrian Monk: What if Harold is right? It all fits. I know 1,000 ways to kill people. And I have a motive. I admit it. I want Dr. Bell to myself.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, it couldn't be you. You have an alibi.
Adrian Monk: What alibi? I was here. I was alone.
Natalie: No, you weren't alone. You were with yourself.
Adrian Monk: I wasn't alone, I was with myself?
Natalie: Exactly. You would know if you were sneaking out and killing people. That's the kind of thing that people tend to remember.
Adrian Monk: Maybe not. I black out sometimes. You've seen it. Sometimes five hours go by, and I don't know where I've been.
Natalie: That's true, but it's always triggered by something, like you've seen yourself naked, or you saw a documentary on the Nature Channel. Just stop. Look at me! Look at me! It wasn't you. It couldn't have been you.

Quote from Harold Krenshaw

Harold Krenshaw: Please stop touching me.
Adrian Monk: I'm not touch- You're touching me.
Harold Krenshaw: I'm not touching you. You're touching me. Just stay on your side.
Adrian Monk: I'm- I don't have a side!
Harold Krenshaw: Just back up four or five millimeters. Okay, that's your side. Now, this is my side. From that end of the spare tire. To the jumper cables. Stay over there, and we'll be fine.
Adrian Monk: My side's carpeted.
Harold Krenshaw: My side's quieter.
Adrian Monk: That's impossible.
Harold Krenshaw: Your side has the muffler, so my side is quieter.
Adrian Monk: Oh, grow up!
Harold Krenshaw: You grow up.
Adrian Monk: I don't feel like it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: Maybe there's another way around this? Let's see now. Wait a minute. This policy only applies to private sessions. You can join a group session. That's a new category. It's like starting over.
Adrian Monk: Group?
Dr. Bell: Yes. Now, I have one group that deals specifically with phobias and obsessive behavior. They meet twice weekly like clockwork.
Adrian Monk: There would be other people there?
Dr. Bell: Yes, it's a group. It's a group of people. Actually, this policy change might be a blessing in disguise. I think you could really benefit from this.
Adrian Monk: They don't like me.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, they haven't met you.
Adrian Monk: They don't like me! I can't do it.
Dr. Bell: All right. Sorry to hear that. I hope you reconsider, cause I think you'd get a lot out of it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, please go to group therapy. Please.
Adrian Monk: I don't have to. I can talk to him right here.
Natalie: I think you're being ridiculous.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, ridiculous like a fox. Ready? Let's go.
[Natalie and Monk on a tandem bicycle pull up alongside Dr. Bell on his bike]
Adrian Monk: Dr. Bell?
Dr. Bell: Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Do you bike here too?
Dr. Bell: Every morning.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I remember you mentioning that once or twice.
Dr. Bell: Natalie.
Natalie: Hello.
Adrian Monk: How you doing?
Dr. Bell: Just fine.
Adrian Monk: You're probably wondering how I'm doing. I been thinking a lot about my mother.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, I really can't give you a session right now.
Adrian Monk: What session? We're just a couple of guys in the park talking about my mother.
Dr. Bell: Join my group. We meet Tuesdays and Thursdays, 10:00 a.m. [cycles off]
Adrian Monk: Wait, Dr. Bell! Wait! Dr. Bell! Come on, you're losing him. Turn! Come on! Go. Mush, mush. Mush! [they fall to the ground] Okay, I'll join the group.
Natalie: Thank God.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Now I know you're not a big fan of Harold Krenshaw's.
Adrian Monk: I hate him. He can go to hell.
Natalie: Yeah, I understand. But besides him, besides Harold, who can go to hell, how was the session?
Adrian Monk: Awful.
Natalie: Well, what were the people like?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Natalie: How many were there?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Five, eight. They hardly talked about me at all. All they did was drone on and on and on about their own lives and their own problems.
Natalie: Yeah, Mr. Monk, isn't that the point?
Adrian Monk: Nobody cares about them, Natalie.
Adrian Monk: Dr. Bell is just as bad. He kept interrupting everybody, telling little parables and stories. I'm wasting my time. Group therapy never helped anybody.

Quote from Harold Krenshaw

Adrian Monk: Are you following us?
Harold Krenshaw: I think you're following me.
Natalie: Harold, we were here first. We came straight from Dr. Bell's.
Harold Krenshaw: A lot of his patients come here, because it's right across the street. For example, that guy over there.
Adrian Monk: He's not even in our group.
Harold Krenshaw: Not anymore. He left the nest five weeks ago. That's Xavier Danko. He's completely cured. He was more screwed up than anybody.
Natalie: What was wrong with him?
Harold Krenshaw: He was obsessed with an exotic dancer named Tiffany something. He was following her. He got better. I want to be next. I want to get better too. That's why you have to leave the group, Adrian. You're ruining everything.
Natalie: Mr. Monk has every right to be there, Harold.
Harold Krenshaw: No, he doesn't.

Quote from Harold Krenshaw

Harold Krenshaw: And then there were three.
Dr. Bell: [enters] Well, I think we better get started. Who wants to go first? I know it's difficult. It's overwhelming. First, Barbara drowning, now Augie. If you want to cancel the session, cancel next week, I certainly understand.
Harold Krenshaw: I don't think we should cancel. In fact, I think we need each other now more than ever.
Rhonda: Oh, please.
Harold Krenshaw: We need your strength, Neven, your guidance. You're the beacon. You're the light that will see us through our darkest hour.
Rhonda: So, Harold, how is it up there in Neven's butt? You lonely? You getting scared of the dark?
Dr. Bell: Rhonda, let's not forget rule number one. Don't make it personal.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I think Barbara was murdered too.
Rhonda: You said "think." You're telling me you're not sure?
Adrian Monk: I think someone, for some reason, is killing this group off, one by one.
Dr. Bell: What do the police say?
Adrian Monk: They're looking into it. They'll probably want to talk to each of us.
Rhonda: Why? What, you th- They think it's one of us?
Adrian Monk: It's possible.
Harold Krenshaw: One of us?
Adrian Monk: It's possible. There is a possibility that one of you is not quite sane.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Let's move on. Who else was in the group?
Adrian Monk: There's Harold. Could it be Harold?
Natalie: I don't think so.
Adrian Monk: You're right. God would never do that. It would make me too happy.
Natalie: Okay, let's eliminate Harold.

Quote from Harold Krenshaw

Adrian Monk: Oh, my God, I'm buried alive! I'm buried. Help me! Let me out!
Harold Krenshaw: It's no use. I've been banging on it for an hour. I still think it was you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You're making it very hard for me to panic! Just calm down, please! I thought you were cured.
What about your technique, visualization with the door and the key and all that?
Harold Krenshaw: Oh, that doesn't work. It never worked. I was just trying to impress Dr. B. Why do I do that? Why do I- Why do I care what people think? What's wrong with me?
Adrian Monk: There's nothing wrong with you. The truth is I actually admire you.
Harold Krenshaw: Stop it.
Adrian Monk: No, no, I mean it.
Harold Krenshaw: Don't.
Adrian Monk: I mean it. Look, we're we're basically the same guy. We have the same kinds of problems, the same issues. But you, you're out there. You're in the world. You have a family. You have a real job. You don't let it stop you.
Harold Krenshaw: That's nice of you to say.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Look at me. Harold, look at me. Look, look, look at me. I think we've been looking at this the wrong way. This trunk, you know, these walls. They're not closing in on us.
Harold Krenshaw: They're not?
Adrian Monk: No. They're- They're protecting us, really.
Harold Krenshaw: Protecting us?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, they're keeping the bad stuff out.
Harold Krenshaw: Protecting us?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, protecting us from germs and snakes, and harmonicas.
Harold Krenshaw: And nature and my mother and her new boyfriend.
Adrian Monk: And Xavier Danko.
Harold Krenshaw: And Xavier Danko.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Harold Krenshaw: Yeah, that's right. This trunk is our friend.
Adrian Monk: I've been in therapy for ten years. I think this is the first real breakthrough I've ever had. This group-therapy thing really works.
Harold Krenshaw: It really does.

Quote from Dr. Bell

Harold Krenshaw: Be careful. He's got a gun. Listen, Adrian, if anything happens to me-
Adrian Monk: Nothing's gonna happen to you. I won't let it.
Harold Krenshaw: Ready?
Adrian Monk: Let's do it.
[Harold and Adrian scream as they charge in Dr. Bells' house and find him sitting calmly with Xavier Danko in the study]
Dr. Bell: Well, there you are. I was about to come and get you. The police will be here soon.
Xavier Danko: I'm so sorry.
Dr. Bell: Xavier was just telling me how he killed Tiffany Bolt.
Adrian Monk: The woman he was following?
Dr. Bell: Yeah, that's right. He put her car and her body in the reservoir, then he began to get worried.
Adrian Monk: Of course, the water shortage.
Dr. Bell: Right. The reservoir levels have been dropping. He was afraid the car or the body were about to be discovered.
Xavier Danko: What did I do?
Adrian Monk: He told everyone in the group about his obsession. So you were the only people on earth who could connect him to that poor girl.
Dr. Bell: Right. He was trying to kill us before the body was found.

Quote from Dr. Bell

Dr. Bell: Well, it's 10:00. I think we should get started.
Adrian Monk: Where's everyone else?
Dr. Bell: Well, as you know, we had three members who were... Well, who died.
Adrian Monk: What about Harold?
Dr. Bell: Harold Krenshaw did something quite extraordinary. He found another doctor.
Adrian Monk: I don't understand.
Dr. Bell: He wanted you to have these sessions with me all to yourself. You have quite a friend there, Adrian. A friend like that is a blessing.
Adrian Monk: Harold?
Dr. Bell: Now, as far as your HMO is concerned, these sessions are still technically group sessions. You'll just be a group of one. [Monk chuckles] So let's get started. Congratulations on your beating claustrophobia. I'm proud of you. So what's next?
Adrian Monk: Okay, um... "Death."
Dr. Bell: Death? That's gonna be a tough one.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Could you sit here?
Dr. Bell: Of course. So...
Adrian Monk: I like this. I think I should have tried group therapy a long time ago.
Dr. Bell: This is a good group.


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode