Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic

313. Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic

Aired February 11, 2005

When Monk, Natalie and Julie get stuck in a traffic jam, Monk doesn't think the crash was an accident.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Julie Teeger: I'm going to pee all over the seat.
Adrian Monk: Natalie.
Natalie: Honey, honey, there is a rest stop up ahead. You're okay.
Julie Teeger: Maybe when there's pee all over the back seat, maybe then you'll believe me.
Adrian Monk: Uh, okay. Julie, wait. No, don't don't don't do that. Not, not in the car. I will give you $10 to hold it in.
Julie Teeger: Really?
Natalie: What are you doing? You can't pay a person not to pee.
Adrian Monk: Best money I ever spent.
Julie Teeger: Oh, sure he can. It's called "the free market." I learned about it in school. So, Mr. Monk, how much would you pay me not to throw up?

Rate

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie Teeger: Mom, I gotta go.
Natalie: Sweetie, why didn't you go at the game? There was a porta-john right there.
Julie Teeger: I wanted to, but Mr. Monk says it wasn't sanitary.
Adrian Monk: You'll thank me later.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: So, what happened up there?
Adrian Monk: A guy was killed.
Natalie: Oh, my God.
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk says he was murdered.
Natalie: Of course he does. You know, Mr. Monk, there'd be no crime in all of San Francisco if you never left your house.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Adrian Monk: Julie, go back to your mom. Tell her I was right about the paramedic. She'll know what I mean.
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, she never knows what you mean. Nobody does.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: "Korn." They spelled it wrong. Shh, don't say anything. Sorry, sorry to interrupt. You have a great sound. Very, very musical. I wish I could understand more of the words. Do you... Do you have a ladies room? This is Julie, and, uh, it's kind of an emergency.
Fieldy Arvizu: Yeah, we have a bathroom. Our bus driver, Detox, is in there right now.
Adrian Monk: Okay, great. We'll just wait for Detox. Easy now. Easy. I play the clarinet. I played with Willie, you know, Nelson. I played with Willie Nelson. And now I'm just waiting for Detox.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Seatbelts on? Everybody, seatbelt check.
Natalie: Yes, yes. They're on, they're on.
Julie Teeger: That was the 20th time.
Adrian Monk: Well, that was really, you know, fun. Who knew that spending four hours in a car to watch a two-hour field hockey game could be so much fun? Thanks for inviting me. When's your next game?
Natalie: Oh, that was, uh, Julie's last game of the season.
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's too bad.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie Teeger: Here.
Adrian Monk: What's this?
Julie Teeger: I'm returning your money. I can't hold it in.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Julie, okay, look, just think about something else. Let's play a game. Uh, let's play the numbers game.
Julie Teeger: How do you play?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it's fun. I'll say a number. Then you you say a completely different number. And then we just keep going until you never pee. Ready? 72.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, my God.
Natalie: What is it? What is it?
Adrian Monk: Oh, no.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, what is it?
Adrian Monk: The pen in my pocket. It broke. Huh, leaked all over. See? Look.
Natalie: I think you're going to live.
Natalie: What do you think happened?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I think the ink cartridge got snapped by the seatbelt.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Young Woman: Pass it on. Party in our car in 10 minutes.
Adrian Monk: Okay, but you might've to start without me. [to an older woman] There's going to be a party in that turquoise 1964 Mercury Comet convertible in 10 minutes. Pass it on.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Officer, how fast was he going?
Sgt. Parnell: Too fast. About 80 miles an hour.
Adrian Monk: He never passed me.
Garrett Price: How's that?
Adrian Monk: This car. He never passed me. If he was going that fast, I would've seen him.
Garrett Price: You probably missed him. You can't remember every car on the highway. [chuckles] Can you?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Skid marks all up and down, but none near this vehicle. He didn't put on his brakes.
Garrett Price: I think you're right. Wow, you could be a cop.
Adrian Monk: I am. At least, I used to be.
Garrett Price: Then we have something in common. Two guys who used to be something.
Adrian Monk: The car's in neutral.
Garrett Price: Well, maybe the gear thing slipped in the collision.
Adrian Monk: Maybe. The air conditioning is off. So is the fan.
Garrett Price: Okay, what does that mean?
Adrian Monk: Both the windows, they're shut. Must be 90 degrees out here. I couldn't drive like that, could you?
Garrett Price: You're absolutely right.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Garrett. Garrett, you see this blood?
Garrett Price: Great. You can't have too much blood.
Adrian Monk: But look at this smudge. It's on the outside. How did it get on the outside?
Garrett Price: Maybe it just tried very hard. I really don't know. Listen, can I get my cards back from you? I wanna pass them out to these people. I mean they've all been hurt. I'm a lawyer, right? You got a dead guy. This is great. We're on the comeback trail.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sgt. Parnell: You're not still here, are you?
Adrian Monk: No. Yes. Yes, Sergeant, I'm telling you, there's something wrong with this crime scene.
Sgt. Parnell: It's an accident scene, sir.
Adrian Monk: But he never slowed down. There are no skid marks.
Sgt. Parnell: Well, perhaps he fell asleep or he had a heart attack. It happens all the time.
Adrian Monk: Sergeant, this guy, who was he? What did he do?
Sgt. Parnell: He worked for a nonprofit environmental group. He was some sort of activist.
Adrian Monk: Of course. Do you know what he was working on?
Sgt. Parnell: You used to be a cop, right?
Adrian Monk: Right. All right. Then maybe you can appreciate this. I will tell you what I do know about the victim. His name was Steve Marriot. He died in a tragic single car accident. There is no doubt about that. We have an eyewitness. The driver of that truck saw the whole thing. The victim's car was spinning out of control. It was traveling at 80, 85 miles per hour. There was nobody else in the vehicle. There was nobody else near the vehicle. Nobody else ran from the vehicle. Okay?
Adrian Monk: But Sergeant...
Sgt. Parnell: Look, Detective, or whatever you are, I've been very patient with you, sir. You have to let this go.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: This is Garrett Price. Used to be a lawyer.
Garrett Price: I am a lawyer. I'm a lawyer again because I'm reborn, my friend, because you're... You're a cop. Look, I got my inspiration from you. You're a cop, it's in your blood. You can't turn it off. It's who you are. Well, this is who I am. Hey, don't move until I get there and he signs a release! This is unbelievable here. I mean, I hit the mother lode. I got three cases of whiplash. One of them pregnant. A pregnant woman with whiplash. Are you kidding me? That's a summer home, right there.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Krystal: Damn it! Damn it to hell.
Garrett Price: [to Julie, using her as a human shield] Don't be afraid. [to Krystal] Are you okay?
Krystal: No, I'm not okay. I just got fired.
Garrett Price: [to Julie] Stay close.
Krystal: The owner just told me some cretin called in complained about my driving. Said I cut him off. Call came in just before the accident. I'll bet he's still here. When I find out who did it, his ass is mine!
Garrett Price: [to Monk] $10 says she's got an automatic. Owner played back the tape of the phone call. Think I'd recognize his voice. You're a detective, huh?
Garrett Price: Is he a detective? The biggest.
Krystal: Want to make a little money? A little cash under the table? Help me find this guy.
Adrian Monk: Well... [deep voice, French accent] Well, I would like to, but I'm a little busy now.
Garrett Price: You need a lozenge?
Krystal: It's probably all for the best. You don't want to be party to what happens when I find this guy.

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode