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‘Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic

313. Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic

Aired February 11, 2005

When Monk, Natalie and Julie get stuck in a traffic jam, Monk doesn't think the crash was an accident.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Julie Teeger: I'm going to pee all over the seat.
Adrian Monk: Natalie.
Natalie: Honey, honey, there is a rest stop up ahead. You're okay.
Julie Teeger: Maybe when there's pee all over the back seat, maybe then you'll believe me.
Adrian Monk: Uh, okay. Julie, wait. No, don't don't don't do that. Not, not in the car. I will give you $10 to hold it in.
Julie Teeger: Really?
Natalie: What are you doing? You can't pay a person not to pee.
Adrian Monk: Best money I ever spent.
Julie Teeger: Oh, sure he can. It's called "the free market." I learned about it in school. So, Mr. Monk, how much would you pay me not to throw up?

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie Teeger: Mom, I gotta go.
Natalie: Sweetie, why didn't you go at the game? There was a porta-john right there.
Julie Teeger: I wanted to, but Mr. Monk says it wasn't sanitary.
Adrian Monk: You'll thank me later.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: So, what happened up there?
Adrian Monk: A guy was killed.
Natalie: Oh, my God.
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk says he was murdered.
Natalie: Of course he does. You know, Mr. Monk, there'd be no crime in all of San Francisco if you never left your house.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Adrian Monk: Julie, go back to your mom. Tell her I was right about the paramedic. She'll know what I mean.
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, she never knows what you mean. Nobody does.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: "Korn." They spelled it wrong. Shh, don't say anything. Sorry, sorry to interrupt. You have a great sound. Very, very musical. I wish I could understand more of the words. Do you... Do you have a ladies room? This is Julie, and, uh, it's kind of an emergency.
Fieldy Arvizu: Yeah, we have a bathroom. Our bus driver, Detox, is in there right now.
Adrian Monk: Okay, great. We'll just wait for Detox. Easy now. Easy. I play the clarinet. I played with Willie, you know, Nelson. I played with Willie Nelson. And now I'm just waiting for Detox.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Seatbelts on? Everybody, seatbelt check.
Natalie: Yes, yes. They're on, they're on.
Julie Teeger: That was the 20th time.
Adrian Monk: Well, that was really, you know, fun. Who knew that spending four hours in a car to watch a two-hour field hockey game could be so much fun? Thanks for inviting me. When's your next game?
Natalie: Oh, that was, uh, Julie's last game of the season.
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's too bad.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie Teeger: Here.
Adrian Monk: What's this?
Julie Teeger: I'm returning your money. I can't hold it in.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Julie, okay, look, just think about something else. Let's play a game. Uh, let's play the numbers game.
Julie Teeger: How do you play?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it's fun. I'll say a number. Then you you say a completely different number. And then we just keep going until you never pee. Ready? 72.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, my God.
Natalie: What is it? What is it?
Adrian Monk: Oh, no.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, what is it?
Adrian Monk: The pen in my pocket. It broke. Huh, leaked all over. See? Look.
Natalie: I think you're going to live.
Natalie: What do you think happened?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I think the ink cartridge got snapped by the seatbelt.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Young Woman: Pass it on. Party in our car in 10 minutes.
Adrian Monk: Okay, but you might've to start without me. [to an older woman] There's going to be a party in that turquoise 1964 Mercury Comet convertible in 10 minutes. Pass it on.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Officer, how fast was he going?
Sgt. Parnell: Too fast. About 80 miles an hour.
Adrian Monk: He never passed me.
Garrett Price: How's that?
Adrian Monk: This car. He never passed me. If he was going that fast, I would've seen him.
Garrett Price: You probably missed him. You can't remember every car on the highway. [chuckles] Can you?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Skid marks all up and down, but none near this vehicle. He didn't put on his brakes.
Garrett Price: I think you're right. Wow, you could be a cop.
Adrian Monk: I am. At least, I used to be.
Garrett Price: Then we have something in common. Two guys who used to be something.
Adrian Monk: The car's in neutral.
Garrett Price: Well, maybe the gear thing slipped in the collision.
Adrian Monk: Maybe. The air conditioning is off. So is the fan.
Garrett Price: Okay, what does that mean?
Adrian Monk: Both the windows, they're shut. Must be 90 degrees out here. I couldn't drive like that, could you?
Garrett Price: You're absolutely right.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Garrett. Garrett, you see this blood?
Garrett Price: Great. You can't have too much blood.
Adrian Monk: But look at this smudge. It's on the outside. How did it get on the outside?
Garrett Price: Maybe it just tried very hard. I really don't know. Listen, can I get my cards back from you? I wanna pass them out to these people. I mean they've all been hurt. I'm a lawyer, right? You got a dead guy. This is great. We're on the comeback trail.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sgt. Parnell: You're not still here, are you?
Adrian Monk: No. Yes. Yes, Sergeant, I'm telling you, there's something wrong with this crime scene.
Sgt. Parnell: It's an accident scene, sir.
Adrian Monk: But he never slowed down. There are no skid marks.
Sgt. Parnell: Well, perhaps he fell asleep or he had a heart attack. It happens all the time.
Adrian Monk: Sergeant, this guy, who was he? What did he do?
Sgt. Parnell: He worked for a nonprofit environmental group. He was some sort of activist.
Adrian Monk: Of course. Do you know what he was working on?
Sgt. Parnell: You used to be a cop, right?
Adrian Monk: Right. All right. Then maybe you can appreciate this. I will tell you what I do know about the victim. His name was Steve Marriot. He died in a tragic single car accident. There is no doubt about that. We have an eyewitness. The driver of that truck saw the whole thing. The victim's car was spinning out of control. It was traveling at 80, 85 miles per hour. There was nobody else in the vehicle. There was nobody else near the vehicle. Nobody else ran from the vehicle. Okay?
Adrian Monk: But Sergeant...
Sgt. Parnell: Look, Detective, or whatever you are, I've been very patient with you, sir. You have to let this go.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: This is Garrett Price. Used to be a lawyer.
Garrett Price: I am a lawyer. I'm a lawyer again because I'm reborn, my friend, because you're... You're a cop. Look, I got my inspiration from you. You're a cop, it's in your blood. You can't turn it off. It's who you are. Well, this is who I am. Hey, don't move until I get there and he signs a release! This is unbelievable here. I mean, I hit the mother lode. I got three cases of whiplash. One of them pregnant. A pregnant woman with whiplash. Are you kidding me? That's a summer home, right there.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Krystal: Damn it! Damn it to hell.
Garrett Price: [to Julie, using her as a human shield] Don't be afraid. [to Krystal] Are you okay?
Krystal: No, I'm not okay. I just got fired.
Garrett Price: [to Julie] Stay close.
Krystal: The owner just told me some cretin called in complained about my driving. Said I cut him off. Call came in just before the accident. I'll bet he's still here. When I find out who did it, his ass is mine!
Garrett Price: [to Monk] $10 says she's got an automatic. Owner played back the tape of the phone call. Think I'd recognize his voice. You're a detective, huh?
Garrett Price: Is he a detective? The biggest.
Krystal: Want to make a little money? A little cash under the table? Help me find this guy.
Adrian Monk: Well... [deep voice, French accent] Well, I would like to, but I'm a little busy now.
Garrett Price: You need a lozenge?
Krystal: It's probably all for the best. You don't want to be party to what happens when I find this guy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Garrett Price: Miss Teeger. My name is Garrett Price. I'm a personal injury attorney.
Natalie: What a surprise.
Garrett Price: [chuckles] Oh, sarcasm is a very good sign with trauma. And I must say that any friend of Adrian Monk's is a client of mine. The man is a magnificent detective and one of my greatest personal heroes.
Adrian Monk: We just met.
Garrett Price: Modesty becomes the brave, Mr. Monk. You're my hero. End of discussion. Let's take a look at that wrist. Oh, that doesn't look too bad. [quietly to Monk] That is a very serious injury. I could tell from here. How about a couple of pictures? Always helps in front of a jury. You see, my thinking on this is that someone owes you a great deal of money. Can you lick your lips for this one?
Natalie: Cute.
Garrett Price: I'm kidding. Isn't that sweet? She doesn't know when I'm teasing. The money, by the way, has nothing to do with medical expenses. That's going to be considerable. The main body, where you really kill them, is with mental anguish.
Natalie: You know, Mr. Price, I wasn't aware of any mental anguish until I met you.
Garrett Price: That's why I'm here, darling. That's the point of the whole exercise. [to Monk] She's a nice girl, but doesn't understand. [to Natalie] That's a five-star bruise, don't you understand that? This is gonna change your life, and yours as well. In fact, I wish we had one of those paramedics here to document it.
Adrian Monk: You mean, to treat it?
Garrett Price: That's my point. You document it, then you treat it. What, are we savages? I'll be right back.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: You know, I would have found a doctor for you.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you didn't even ask how I was. It didn't even occur to you. All you cared about was the stupid ink stain on your shirt.
Adrian Monk: I was busy. I was talking to the patrolman.
Natalie: I'm sure you were talking, because I know you weren't listening. You never listen to anyone. You're just lost in your own world. Mr. Monk, this is a very dangerous job. What if I am ever in real trouble? Are you gonna be there for me?
Adrian Monk: I'll be there.
Natalie: See, I don't believe you. It's a two-way street, Mr. Monk. We have to look out for each other.
Adrian Monk: I'll be there.

Quote from Natalie

Ray Galardi: So, what happened here?
Garrett Price: The wrist is broken. No, shattered. And there's nerve damage. It's heartbreaking. A young woman, a mother cut down in the prime of life. This is all great stuff. Anyway, excuse me. Make sure you get a copy of his report, okay? Look at that face. I can't wait to get you in front of a jury. You'll wear something nice, huh? If I were 20 years younger, and a completely different guy...
Natalie: I really appreciate this. There must be other people that need help more than me.
Ray Galardi: Everybody's important, ma'am, but, uh, well, let's take a quick look, huh?

Quote from Natalie

Ray Galardi: I heard you talking before. You're a detective or something?
Adrian Monk: Or something.
Ray Galardi: You don't think it was an accident?
Natalie: Mr. Monk doesn't believe in accidents.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Come on. We're we're going.
Julie Teeger: [o.s.] I haven't started yet.
Adrian Monk: Come on, Julie. Let's go.
Julie Teeger: Mom was right, you don't care about anybody else.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Garrett, where did you find that paramedic?
Garrett Price: At the crash site. Why?
Adrian Monk: Have you seen him? Do you know where he is now?
Garrett Price: Not a clue. What's going on?
Adrian Monk: I think he might be involved, somehow, in all of this.
Krystal: What did you say? It's you. You son of a bitch! You cost me my job.
Adrian Monk: You cut us off. That's not right.
Krystal: You're a dead man!
Adrian Monk: Wait a second, wait a minute. Look, it wasn't my fault. I mean, it was my fault. But I never thought they would fire anybody.
Garrett Price: [restraining Kyrstal] Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. [to Monk] Let her hit you.
Adrian Monk: What?
Garrett Price: One shot, we got witnesses. Try and take it to the nose. Bleeds like a fountain.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Krystal: [over radio] It's Krystal. Is Danny still there? There's somebody here that wants to talk to him. [to Monk] Click and talk.
Adrian Monk: What do I say?
Krystal: Think of something.
Daniel: [on radio] This is Daniel. Who the hell is this?
Adrian Monk: Hello. How are you? 10-4. This is the guy who called earlier to complain about Krystal.
Man: Yeah, yeah, I recognize your voice.
Adrian Monk: I've changed my mind. I'd like to withdraw that complaint.
Daniel: Why?
Adrian Monk: Well, I was trying to get her fired, because I was mad at her because...
Krystal: I wouldn't marry you.
Adrian Monk: She wouldn't marry me.
Daniel: Who? Krystal? You can't be serious.
Adrian Monk: I love her.
Daniel: Ha!
Krystal: I love everything about her. I love how she drives, which is exemplary. And her smile. And the way she controls her rage.
Garrett Price: No, wait, don't leave. No, come on, she still might hit him. I might hit him.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Hello, boss.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Natalie.
Natalie: And the next time we go someplace, I think we should leave a little early. You know, to factor in traffic problems, homicide investigations, you getting arrested.
Adrian Monk: That's funny. That's very, very funny.
Adrian Monk: Listen, uh... Oh, by the way, how is your, um... What is it? Your wrist, is it?
Natalie: Forget about it, Mr. Monk. It's never gonna be a two-way street. I'll just have to accept that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You see that dump truck over there?
Natalie: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: That's the one that passed us on the highway. Do you remember?
Natalie: Yeah, he wouldn't honk his horn. He must not be a very happy person.
Adrian Monk: The guy who was killed.
Natalie: Steve Marriot.
Adrian Monk: Marriot, right. I think he was already dead. There's no other explanation. Because his car never passed us. I think it was inside that dump truck. And then it got dumped out in the middle of the highway.
Natalie: By who?
Adrian Monk: By him. The paramedic who was treating you.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: He's got mud on his boots that matches the mud on the tires of the Volkswagen. He's the guy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sgt. Parnell: They're setting up a roadblock 10 miles south.
Adrian Monk: I heard. Is your seatbelt on?
Sgt. Parnell: Yes, it is.
Adrian Monk: Nice and tight. Blinkers! Blinkers!
Sgt. Parnell: Do you understand this is a car chase?
Adrian Monk: Left lane ends 2 miles. Left lane ends 2 miles.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: How's your wrist?
Natalie: Better. Thank you for asking. You unbuckled your seatbelt?
Adrian Monk: Two-way street.
Natalie: Two-way street.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Garrett Price: Mr. Monk. Adrian. Adrian. [chuckles] Just like the movie. Listen, I wanted to thank you. I needed to thank you. This has seriously been the best day of my life. And I don't respect a lot of people by the way. And I know you don't like to hug, so... [blows a kiss] I'm back, pal.
Adrian Monk: Nice meeting you.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Natalie: There you are. Do you feel better?
Julie Teeger: A lot better.
Natalie: Good. What took you so long?
Julie Teeger: Um, well, I got a tattoo.
Natalie: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Julie Teeger: Mom, it's okay. It's fake.
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's very funny. Well, let's go. We'll laugh in the car.


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