Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater

206. Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater

Aired August 1, 2003

Monk is in the audience when Sharona's sister, Gail (guest star Amy Sedaris), seemingly kills her co-star on stage.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Look, I might have told her some things that weren't exactly true.
Adrian Monk: Like what?
Sharona: Like, Benjy's on the honor roll.
Adrian Monk: Oh, okay. No problem.
Sharona: Okay, thanks. Oh! Oh, oh, oh. And... And I also told her that my rent is only $900 a month. And-And-And- And I broke up with Steve, the florist I was dating. He didn't break up with me. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. And also that I am seeing a really nice guy, Ronnie, who's a stockbroker, but he's out of town this weekend. Oh, oh! Oh, oh. And- And you you have a full medical plan, including dental. And, uh, I'm not your assistant. I'm your partner. Is that okay?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Wow! Congratulations.
Sharona: Thank you.

Rate

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Did you happen to hear where she went?
Doorman: It's possible.
Sharona: Well- Well, where did she go? It's very important.
Doorman: Isn't it funny? I-I can't quite remember.
Adrian Monk: I get it. I get it. I get it. [gets wallet out] Memories are funny things. Uh, maybe this will help.
Doorman: Three dollars? Hey, buddy, I get three bucks for holding a door open.
Sharona: He wants more. Give him more.
Adrian Monk: He didn't do anything. I think three dollars is more than appropriate.
Sharona: Give him more.
Doorman: Oh, so we're up to four dollars now.
Adrian Monk: For 20 seconds of your time. I think that's not too shabby.
Sharona: You're the cheapest man I know. Here. Where'd she go?
Adrian Monk: What are you doing? Forty dollars?
Sharona: My sister's on death row. I think she's worth 40 dollars. Where'd she go?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Could I have my four dollars back?
Doorman: What?
Adrian Monk: We gave you 44 dollars.
Doorman: Yeah?
Adrian Monk: The bribe was only 40, so, you know...
Doorman: Are you for real?
Sharona: Will you come on?
Adrian Monk: O- Okay. Okay, but we have a four-dollar credit on any future bribes. I won't forget. I'm writing it down.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: So how'd it go, stud?
Adrian Monk: She did it. I don't know how she did it, but she did it. Let's go back to the theater and look around.
Sharona: Okay. So how did the dating go?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it was terrible. Thank God I'm not single.
Sharona: You are single.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, Your Honor. I would also like to mention that I have a consultant working on the case. He's a former homicide detective. He's somebody I respect a great deal, and, um, he has serious doubts about what happened.
Judge: What is his name?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, Your Honor. He's, uh, in the courtroom, uh, and he's ready and willing to testify.
Judge: Oh, yes. I know Mr. Monk. Hello, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Your Honor.
Judge: I, uh, presided over his last competency hearing. He couldn't testify until I adjusted my robe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I remember.
Judge: You see, it had to be even.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right.

Quote from Sharona

Woman: Oh, excuse me. Have we registered?
Sharona: Uh, for what?
Woman: Speedy Dates. We do it here once a month.
Sharona: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.
Woman: Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: And Trudy and I were married for... seven years.
Speed Date Woman: I am so sorry.
Adrian Monk: It was a car bomb. Three pounds of plastic explosives under the driver's seat. I... I felt responsible. I think it was meant for me. And how about you? Have you ever been married?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Stage Manager: How do you know the play, Mr. Monk? It's brand-new. It's never been published.
Adrian Monk: I saw it last week, and, uh, must have memorized it by accident. Sorry.
Stage Manager: You memorized it after seeing it one time?
Adrian Monk: I'm so sorry.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You think I want your pocket change? You think that's why I came back?
Karl Sebastian: Okay, now, you push the table over. [Monk reluctantly tilts the table] You're an animal. Just-Just push it over.
Adrian Monk: Maybe my character wouldn't want to make too big a mess right-right here.
Karl Sebastian: She sent you to prison. You're... You're full of rage.
Adrian Monk: I have a thought. What if my character expresses his rage by putting away the groceries roughly?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Kathleen, what did the director mean when he said that Jenna made them hire Hal Duncan?
Kathleen: It was no secret Jenna wanted them to hire Hal. I'll tell you what I heard: She slept with the producer, then threatened to tell his wife unless they did.
Sharona: Why? Were they dating?
Kathleen: No. Nobody could figure it out. Jenna didn't even like the guy. He wasn't a great actor, or even a good actor. He was a character. Always wore sunglasses, even inside. Oh, and he was allergic to everything: Eggs, peanuts and shellfish. He wouldn't eat anything unless he made it himself. This might work, huh? What do you think?
Adrian Monk: Can't I just wear my own clothes? I'd- I'd rather wear my own clothes.
Kathleen: Uh, what- What do you have at home?
Sharona: Uh, well, he just has more of this. Basically this.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: What do you think so far?
Adrian Monk: There's no leg room. It's so crowded.
Sharona: Well, it's supposed to be crowded. It's sold out. You know, this play is going to New York. Can you believe it? My sister in an off-Broadway show?
Adrian Monk: So where is she?
Sharona: She's in the next scene. She kills a guy.
Adrian Monk: I hope it's the guy who designed these seats.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Do not insult us. There were 300 people in that theater.
Lieutenant Disher: They all saw it, Gail.
Gail Fleming: I can't tell you what they saw. I can only tell you what I did.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I can tell you what they saw. They saw you pick up a five-inch kitchen knife and plunge it into Hal Duncan's chest. Then they saw him fall, dead.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Gail Fleming: Okay. There are two knives onstage. One of them is real. I use it to cut a tomato in the second act. The other one is retractable, so it looks like he's being stabbed.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right. There are two knives onstage. Knife number one is on the counter. Knife number two is sticking in the guy's chest.
Lieutenant Disher: Look, here's the problem, Gail, both knives were real.
Gail Fleming: There's no way. I'm telling you. It was a prop knife. I can tell the difference.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Gail, I like you.
Lieutenant Disher: We both like you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So please, stop insulting us.
Gail Fleming: Why would I kill him in front of everybody?
Lieutenant Disher: People do it every day.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: You were having a relationship with the victim. You'd been seeing him for nearly a year.
Gail Fleming: It was just seven months.
Lieutenant Disher: He broke it off. You were upset. You sent him some e-mails. They were pretty emotional. Th-That's what I heard.
Gail Fleming: Who you been talking to, Randy? The crew?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You wanted to teach your boyfriend a lesson. You were pissed off. You did it in public. You didn't care, so you took a knife from home, you switched it with the knife on the stage, and then you stuck him in the chest. Everybody saw you.
Gail Fleming: He's not my boyfriend.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No! Not anymore.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Okay, I got toothpaste, toothbrush, magazines. I'm allowed to bring her a towel, right?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Sharona: How long can they hold her?
Adrian Monk: Second-degree murder? The D.A.'s gonna try to deny her bail until she confesses.
Sharona: Why would she confess? [off Monk's silence] What? You think she did it?
Adrian Monk: Sharona, I don't know what to tell you. I was there. So were you.
Sharona: You know, I don't accept that. She said she was innocent. Things aren't always what they seem. Isn't that what you taught me?
Adrian Monk: Sharona, she stabbed the guy in front of 300 people. Look, I'm not a magician.
Sharona: Yes, you are. You turn things around all the time. You do it for strangers every day. So how come you can't do it for my sister?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Cheryl Fleming: I was so sorry to hear about Steve, but I say, good riddance. You're too good for the schlub. Oh! Is this our stockbroker?
Adrian Monk: Uh, no. I'm not your stockbroker. He's out of town. His name is Ronnie. That's all.
Sharona: Um, um, this is Adrian, remember?
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, the partner. The partner in crime.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Fleming.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, no. Call me Cheryl. [shakes Monk's hand]
Adrian Monk: Wipe?
Sharona: Not now.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: There was a stabbing.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh. You mean, in the audience?
Adrian Monk: No. Uh, no. Onstage, uh, during the show. The actor who was playing Burt was killed. Gail stabbed him.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, I know. I read the script.
Adrian Monk: No, no. Cheryl, he died.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, l-I don't understand.
Sharona: Neither do we. Uh... The police think that she might have done it on purpose.
Adrian Monk: She's been arrested for murder in the second degree. There's a bail hearing tomorrow.
Cheryl Fleming: Gail? No. I don't believe it. It's a mistake, right?
Adrian Monk: The police don't think so.
Cheryl Fleming: Well, they're wrong. Well, you're gonna help her, right? I mean, that's what you do. You're a couple of detectives, right?
Adrian Monk: Of course we're going to help her. After all, we're we're a couple of detectives. Right?
Sharona: Right.
Cheryl Fleming: Right.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I'm, uh, I'm Adrian Monk, and this is Sh... She's usually right here. This is a terrible week, I'll bet.
O'Dell: Hey, that wasn't my fault. The cops had me under the lights all night long. I told them I put the prop knife on the set. We use two knives on this show. A real one and one like this.
Adrian Monk: Hey, whoa-
O'Dell: Don't wet yourself. The blade retracts into the handle. Gail must have switched the gag knife for the real one before the show.
Adrian Monk: May I?
O'Dell: See? It doesn't feel like a real knife at all, does it?
Adrian Monk: No.
O'Dell: She had to know she was holding a real knife. What happened onstage Sunday night, that was no accident. That was a woman scorned. "Hell hath no fury," right?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Uh, Jenna Ryan Is she a customer?
Salon Manager: Yes.
Cheryl Fleming: Gail's understudy.
Adrian Monk: Right. She has an appointment for tomorrow.
Sharona: So? She wants to look good for her debut.
Adrian Monk: But- But look. According to this, she made this appointment two weeks ago. How did she know she'd be onstage?
Sharona: I don't know. Coincidence?
Adrian Monk: Maybe.
Sharona: So what are you saying?
Adrian Monk: I'm saying you might be right. Your sister may have been framed. And I think the understudy could have had something to do with it.
Salon Manager: [touching Monk's hair] Who did your perm? I-I absolutely love it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Sign in. It's perfect. This way, Jenna has to talk to you.
Adrian Monk: "Speedy Dates"? No. No, no, no. That's like Dante's seventh circle of hell.
Sharona: Adrian, "whatever it takes." Isn't that what you said?

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode