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‘Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater

206. Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater

Aired August 1, 2003

Monk is in the audience when Sharona's sister, Gail (guest star Amy Sedaris), seemingly kills her co-star on stage.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Look, I might have told her some things that weren't exactly true.
Adrian Monk: Like what?
Sharona: Like, Benjy's on the honor roll.
Adrian Monk: Oh, okay. No problem.
Sharona: Okay, thanks. Oh! Oh, oh, oh. And... And I also told her that my rent is only $900 a month. And-And-And- And I broke up with Steve, the florist I was dating. He didn't break up with me. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. And also that I am seeing a really nice guy, Ronnie, who's a stockbroker, but he's out of town this weekend. Oh, oh! Oh, oh. And- And you you have a full medical plan, including dental. And, uh, I'm not your assistant. I'm your partner. Is that okay?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Wow! Congratulations.
Sharona: Thank you.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Did you happen to hear where she went?
Doorman: It's possible.
Sharona: Well- Well, where did she go? It's very important.
Doorman: Isn't it funny? I-I can't quite remember.
Adrian Monk: I get it. I get it. I get it. [gets wallet out] Memories are funny things. Uh, maybe this will help.
Doorman: Three dollars? Hey, buddy, I get three bucks for holding a door open.
Sharona: He wants more. Give him more.
Adrian Monk: He didn't do anything. I think three dollars is more than appropriate.
Sharona: Give him more.
Doorman: Oh, so we're up to four dollars now.
Adrian Monk: For 20 seconds of your time. I think that's not too shabby.
Sharona: You're the cheapest man I know. Here. Where'd she go?
Adrian Monk: What are you doing? Forty dollars?
Sharona: My sister's on death row. I think she's worth 40 dollars. Where'd she go?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Could I have my four dollars back?
Doorman: What?
Adrian Monk: We gave you 44 dollars.
Doorman: Yeah?
Adrian Monk: The bribe was only 40, so, you know...
Doorman: Are you for real?
Sharona: Will you come on?
Adrian Monk: O- Okay. Okay, but we have a four-dollar credit on any future bribes. I won't forget. I'm writing it down.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: So how'd it go, stud?
Adrian Monk: She did it. I don't know how she did it, but she did it. Let's go back to the theater and look around.
Sharona: Okay. So how did the dating go?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it was terrible. Thank God I'm not single.
Sharona: You are single.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, Your Honor. I would also like to mention that I have a consultant working on the case. He's a former homicide detective. He's somebody I respect a great deal, and, um, he has serious doubts about what happened.
Judge: What is his name?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, Your Honor. He's, uh, in the courtroom, uh, and he's ready and willing to testify.
Judge: Oh, yes. I know Mr. Monk. Hello, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Your Honor.
Judge: I, uh, presided over his last competency hearing. He couldn't testify until I adjusted my robe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I remember.
Judge: You see, it had to be even.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right.

Quote from Sharona

Woman: Oh, excuse me. Have we registered?
Sharona: Uh, for what?
Woman: Speedy Dates. We do it here once a month.
Sharona: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.
Woman: Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: And Trudy and I were married for... seven years.
Speed Date Woman: I am so sorry.
Adrian Monk: It was a car bomb. Three pounds of plastic explosives under the driver's seat. I... I felt responsible. I think it was meant for me. And how about you? Have you ever been married?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Stage Manager: How do you know the play, Mr. Monk? It's brand-new. It's never been published.
Adrian Monk: I saw it last week, and, uh, must have memorized it by accident. Sorry.
Stage Manager: You memorized it after seeing it one time?
Adrian Monk: I'm so sorry.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You think I want your pocket change? You think that's why I came back?
Karl Sebastian: Okay, now, you push the table over. [Monk reluctantly tilts the table] You're an animal. Just-Just push it over.
Adrian Monk: Maybe my character wouldn't want to make too big a mess right-right here.
Karl Sebastian: She sent you to prison. You're... You're full of rage.
Adrian Monk: I have a thought. What if my character expresses his rage by putting away the groceries roughly?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Kathleen, what did the director mean when he said that Jenna made them hire Hal Duncan?
Kathleen: It was no secret Jenna wanted them to hire Hal. I'll tell you what I heard: She slept with the producer, then threatened to tell his wife unless they did.
Sharona: Why? Were they dating?
Kathleen: No. Nobody could figure it out. Jenna didn't even like the guy. He wasn't a great actor, or even a good actor. He was a character. Always wore sunglasses, even inside. Oh, and he was allergic to everything: Eggs, peanuts and shellfish. He wouldn't eat anything unless he made it himself. This might work, huh? What do you think?
Adrian Monk: Can't I just wear my own clothes? I'd- I'd rather wear my own clothes.
Kathleen: Uh, what- What do you have at home?
Sharona: Uh, well, he just has more of this. Basically this.


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