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‘Mr. Monk and the Other Detective’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Other Detective

401. Mr. Monk and the Other Detective

Aired July 8, 2005

Monk is stumped when a formerly second-rate private investigator, Marty Eels (guest star Jason Alexander), is full of insight into a robbery and murder case.

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Dr. Kroger: No, no, Adrian, I'm not suggesting that you just give up. I'm saying to you that there is always someone ahead of you. This is the human condition. For instance, there, there's a new psychiatrist here in town, name of Lowenstern. Now, I know that there is no way that I will ever be, well, as good as he is. I know this. I accept it.
Adrian Monk: He's better than you?
Dr. Kroger: He's brilliant. Nominated for a Nobel prize. But, the point is, you think that you might enjoy teaching.
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Tell me more about this Lowenstern.
Dr. Kroger: Lowenstern. I could introduce you. Office is right across the street. He charges $400 an hour.
Adrian Monk: ... So where, where were we?

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, are you okay? Everybody's waiting.
Adrian Monk: It's over there.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: Dog, you know. Dog doo.
Natalie: Did you step in it?
Adrian Monk: If I stepped in it, I'd be in that ambulance right now on my way to the emergency room, wouldn't I? Praying for the sweet release that only death can bring.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, Natalie Teeger, this is Marty Eels. He's a private investigator.
Marty Eels: Hey, how you doing? [shakes Monk's hand] How you doing? I hear good things. Good things. Don't worry. I'm not competition. [Natalie hands Monk a wipe] I'm just here to help. Can I have one of those? So what have we got?
Adrian Monk: Captain, I don't think the manager did this. For one thing, he didn't lock the door behind him. Plus, I notice some more blood by the curb. I think there was a second shooting.
Marty Eels: Yeah, he could be right. Very good. Nicely done. Nicely done. [to Natalie] Thanks, sweetheart.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain! He's right. I think he belongs to the store manager. Harold Gumbal. Geary St., Oakland.
Marty Eels: You know, if the manager was robbing his own store, he wouldn't bring his dog along.
Adrian Monk: Or leave him behind. No, the manager is not the guy.
Marty Eels: No, that's right. The manager is not the guy.
Adrian Monk: Here's what happ-
Marty Eels: Here's what happened. Here's what happened! This dog was a hostage. The manager was being forced to rob his store. Something went wrong, and they shot the guard. Excuse me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: So, Monk, what do you think? Who are we looking for?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I'd say it's a terrier. A yorkie, maybe a chihuahua. Probably miles away by now. We'll never catch him.
Natalie: He can't concentrate because of the...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Because of the what?
Natalie: [whispers] The dog poo.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant? Clean that up for me, would you? Thanks.
Lieutenant Disher: Sergeant?
Uniform Cop: Yes, sir?
Lieutenant Disher: Clean that up.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Marty Eels: Come on. Come. Come on in. Sit down. Sit down. Here. Natalie, come sit down. Come sit down. Make yourself at home. Monk, sit. Sit anywhere.
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's okay. I'm not fine.
Marty Eels: Did he just say he's not fine?
Natalie: Yeah.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Julie Teeger: Mom, have you seen my camera?
Natalie: Did you check your jacket? What about your pockets?
Julie Teeger: Yes. I looked everywhere.
Natalie: Well, I haven't seen it, honey. Why don't you ask Mr. Monk to help you?
Julie Teeger: Please, Mr. Monk, it has all my photos in it from my school trip. I was the official photographer. If I lose it, I'm going to get an incomplete.
Adrian Monk: When did you see it last?
Julie Teeger: I saw it yesterday in the living room.
Adrian Monk: That plant has been moved recently.
Natalie: That's right. How did you know?
Adrian Monk: Normally they lean toward the sun. This one is leaning the other way. Hello.
Julie Teeger: Oh, Mr. Monk, thank you so much. You're the best. Isn't he the best?
Natalie: There's no one better. You really are amazing. Ha!
Adrian Monk: Wait. When did you water this?
Natalie: Oh, uh, this morning.
Adrian Monk: Well, the camera could not have been back there this morning. It would've gotten wet. Thanks for trying, Julie.
Julie Teeger: My mom put me up to this.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Oh! Good morning, boss. They were out of the round sponges. Don't panic, I'll pick some up on the way home.
Adrian Monk: Don't worry about the groceries. You're driving me to Fulton College. I have an appointment. 11 o'clock.
Natalie: You mean now? You're just gonna quit. Just like that.
Adrian Monk: I think I would make a very good teacher.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, you'd make a terrible teacher. It would take you four weeks to correct one paper. You're a detective. You're a great detective.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: We know how you did it, Marty. We figured it out.
Marty Eels: How I did what?
Natalie: Didn't your mother ever tell you that cheaters never win?
Adrian Monk: Actually, it was your mother's idea. She works for Pacific Global Airlines, doesn't she? In the quality control department?
Marty Eels: Yeah, so?
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. After the murderers, Blanchard and Dial, went back to their motel room, counted their jewels. And then they called the airlines to buy plane tickets to Costa Rica. They were put on hold. What they didn't know was that your mother was already on the line monitoring their call. They must have been on hold for quite a while, because they talked about everything. Who they killed, where they dumped the car, even where they hid the masks.
Natalie: But she didn't call the police. She called you. And told you everything you needed to know to solve the case.
Adrian Monk: Or at least pretend to solve it.
Marty Eels: You're a very smart man.
Natalie: Yeah, he's the real thing.
Marty Eels: Yeah. Of course, you realize you have no proof for any of this.
Natalie: Don't airlines record phone conversations?
Adrian Monk: Yes, Nat, I believe they do.
Marty Eels: Yes, they certainly do. But those conversations have a way of being accidentally erased. So it's really your word against mine. And who do you think everyone's gonna believe? The amazing Marty Eels or yesterday's news? [phone rings] Phone's been ringing off the hook. Case, cases, cases. Would you mind?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Uniformed Cop #2: Sir, you can't park there.
Marty Eels: It's all right. It's okay. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. One second. Here we go. Here we, um, hold that. I got it. I usually keep it right...Oh, I got it. Here we go. Marty Eels, private investigator. I'm here to save your butts. Captain! Captain Stottlemeyer!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, hell.
Lieutenant Disher: Who's that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Marty Eels. He's a private investigator. Nickel and dime stuff. Divorces, insurance fraud. He's a professional pain in the ass.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Marty Eels: Hey, captain. Captain, you're looking great. You're losing weight or your shirts are getting bigger.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Marty. I heard the D.A. pulled your license.
Marty Eels: No, no, that was just a temporary suspension. No, no, no. No, no. That was just a little misunderstanding.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A misunderstanding?
Marty Eels: Well, that's all ancient history anyway, so so I was just, you know, riding around in the neighborhood. And I heard a call go out on the police scanner, and...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Marty, I'm busy.
Marty Eels: Yeah, yeah, that's why I thought I'd come down here and lend a hand. So what do we got? The jewelry store was robbed. Well, that's obvious. We got a dead rent-a-cop and a missing store manager. So, let me guess, you're thinking the store manager's doing this...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, something like that.
Marty Eels: So let me look around, huh? I mean, an extra pair of eyes can't hurt. And who knows? I could see something you guys are missing.
Lieutenant Disher: We're not missing anything, Mr. Eels. We've got a CSI team here. And, uh, see that man over there? That's Adrian Monk. I think we're in pretty good hands.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Uniformed Cop: Captain, Monk says I can't just throw this away. I gotta take it, like, a mile away and bury it.
Marty Eels: Could I see that?
Uniform Cop: Yeah.
Marty Eels: You can't throw this away. This, this is evidence. [sniffs] This is fresh. Mmm, I'd say this is less than ninety-minutes old.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Marty.
Marty Eels: But isn't that when you said all this was probably going down? The dog could've belonged to the victim or to one of the perps. I think this is important. Monk was gonna throw this away.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Um. You know, he might be right. Let's, um, book that into evidence.
Uniform Cop: Yes, sir.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, look. [points to dog]
Marty Eels: Did that store manager live in Oakland?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, how'd you know that?
Marty Eels: That's his dog. That's from Oakland. You can see the blue license on its collar.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What, you can see that from here?
Marty Eels: A little something I call "attention to detail." but...
Captain Stottlemeyer: [to Disher] Go get the dog.

Quote from Adrian Monk

[Marty Eeles goes and lies down on the ground next to the covered body of the victim]
Natalie: What the hell is he doing?
Adrian Monk: Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, he did spot the dog's license from a block away.
Marty Eels: Okay. They drove off in Gumbal's car. They headed South. They're gonna dump it as soon as they can.
Lieutenant Disher: We're already checking the airport.
Marty Eels: No, that's a waste of time. They would never go there. There's too much security. Try the train station.
Lieutenant Disher: Train station.
Marty Eels: Yeah. Try, um, San Bruno or Millbrae.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: They probably panicked when they shot the guard. Maybe they dropped the gun or some bloody clothes somewhere nearby. [sniffs the dog's nose]
Adrian Monk: What, what are you doing there? What-
Marty Eels: This dog has been sniffing around a sewer recently. See these sewer grates around here? The perps might have stuffed something down in there and maybe this dog saw them do it.
Adrian Monk: You gotta be kidding. He's, he's kidding, right? He's joking. The man is joking.
Marty Eels: It'll just take two minutes to check it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Officer! Take a look in that sewer grate.
Adrian Monk: Captain. From smelling a dog. That's impossible.
Uniformed Cop: Captain! They were stuffed down the drain just like he said.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Marty Eels: [on the news] No. No, mom. I wasn't on the news. Because there were no reporters there yet. I found a lot of clues. I found three or four big clues. Cap, captain was very impressed with me. Wait. He just walked in. He'll tell you. One second. Captain, it's my mother. Tell her, tell her how good I was on the crime scene.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [takes the phone] Uh, Mrs. Eels? Hi. Uh, yeah. Marty did great. You'd be very proud of him. He's a first-rate detective. I look forward to meeting you too, ma'am. Okay, bye-bye. [hangs up phone] What were those beeps?
Marty Eels: Oh, she was, she was at work. She works for Pacific Global Airlines. She's a, she's a quality control operator.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Marty Eels: So, captain, am I on the case or what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: First, I have to ask you a couple questions.
Marty Eels: Yeah, yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Where were you yesterday morning at 8:00?
Marty Eels: You mean, when the robbery was happening?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Marty Eels: You guys think I had something to do with that? Why? Because you can't keep up with me on a crime scene?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Where were you, Marty?
Marty Eels: I was at the hospital. St. Andrew's. They thought I had a concussion.
Lieutenant Disher: What happened?
Marty Eels: Well... That's kind of embarrassing. I, um I got hit very hard by a client. Hit me very hard. Yeah. Um I was, um, supposed to follow his wife and take pictures.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Whoa. She was cheating on him.
Marty Eels: No. No. That, that, that's him. That's my client.
Natalie: You burst in and took a picture of a man in bed with his own wife?
Marty Eels: Yes, I did. I made a mistake. I'm human. So the bottom line is I was at the hospital when the jewelry thing was happening. You can call them.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We will.
Marty Eels: Why is it so hard for you guys to believe that I'm just this good?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Because, Marty, you were never this good before. In fact, you sort of sucked.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Marty Eels: Well, I, I've been teaching myself. I've been, I've learned how to focus. And that's really the secret. Focus, right? Am I right about the focus thing?
Adrian Monk: Bay Area Center Continuing Education. Is that a correspondence school?
Marty Eels: It's fully accredited. What school did you go to?
Adrian Monk: Berkeley.
Marty Eels: That's a good school. I believe they're fully accredited too.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah, they're fully accredited.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Captain, could I? You can't hire this guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He did find the ski masks.
Adrian Monk: By smelling a dog. It's not possible.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, sometimes when you're picking up clues, it seems like magic to me. I don't know how you do it. Maybe he's doing something that you don't understand.
Adrian Monk: I think he's cheating. He's a cheater.
Captain Stottlemeyer: This isn't the fourth grade, Monk.
Adrian Monk: He's cheating.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How?
Adrian Monk: How. I don't know.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: We just found the store manager's car. Guess where it was.
Adrian Monk: Near a train station?
Lieutenant Disher: In San Bruno. Outstanding. You called it, Marty.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let's go check it out. Marty, come here. You ride with me.
Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] He's cheating.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Mrs. Eels: Marty Eels. E, e, l, s like the fish. He's always wanted to be a detective. He used to stay up late reading hardy boys stories under the cover.
Reporter: So your son is helping Adrian Monk?
Mrs. Eels: Who's helping who? That's the question.

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