Dr. Kroger: No, no, Adrian, I'm not suggesting that you just give up. I'm saying to you that there is always someone ahead of you. This is the human condition. For instance, there, there's a new psychiatrist here in town, name of Lowenstern. Now, I know that there is no way that I will ever be, well, as good as he is. I know this. I accept it.
Adrian Monk: He's better than you?
Dr. Kroger: He's brilliant. Nominated for a Nobel prize. But, the point is, you think that you might enjoy teaching.
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Tell me more about this Lowenstern.
Dr. Kroger: Lowenstern. I could introduce you. Office is right across the street. He charges $400 an hour.
Adrian Monk: ... So where, where were we?

Natalie: Mr. Monk, are you okay? Everybody's waiting.
Adrian Monk: It's over there.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: Dog, you know. Dog doo.
Natalie: Did you step in it?
Adrian Monk: If I stepped in it, I'd be in that ambulance right now on my way to the emergency room, wouldn't I? Praying for the sweet release that only death can bring.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, Natalie Teeger, this is Marty Eels. He's a private investigator.
Marty Eels: Hey, how you doing? [shakes Monk's hand] How you doing? I hear good things. Good things. Don't worry. I'm not competition. [Natalie hands Monk a wipe] I'm just here to help. Can I have one of those? So what have we got?
Adrian Monk: Captain, I don't think the manager did this. For one thing, he didn't lock the door behind him. Plus, I notice some more blood by the curb. I think there was a second shooting.
Marty Eels: Yeah, he could be right. Very good. Nicely done. Nicely done. [to Natalie] Thanks, sweetheart.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain! He's right. I think he belongs to the store manager. Harold Gumbal. Geary St., Oakland.
Marty Eels: You know, if the manager was robbing his own store, he wouldn't bring his dog along.
Adrian Monk: Or leave him behind. No, the manager is not the guy.
Marty Eels: No, that's right. The manager is not the guy.
Adrian Monk: Here's what happ-
Marty Eels: Here's what happened. Here's what happened! This dog was a hostage. The manager was being forced to rob his store. Something went wrong, and they shot the guard. Excuse me.

Natalie: Oh! Good morning, boss. They were out of the round sponges. Don't panic, I'll pick some up on the way home.
Adrian Monk: Don't worry about the groceries. You're driving me to Fulton College. I have an appointment. 11 o'clock.
Natalie: You mean now? You're just gonna quit. Just like that.
Adrian Monk: I think I would make a very good teacher.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, you'd make a terrible teacher. It would take you four weeks to correct one paper. You're a detective. You're a great detective.

Captain Stottlemeyer: So, Monk, what do you think? Who are we looking for?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I'd say it's a terrier. A yorkie, maybe a chihuahua. Probably miles away by now. We'll never catch him.
Natalie: He can't concentrate because of the...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Because of the what?
Natalie: [whispers] The dog poo.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant? Clean that up for me, would you? Thanks.
Lieutenant Disher: Sergeant?
Uniform Cop: Yes, sir?
Lieutenant Disher: Clean that up.

Marty Eels: Come on. Come. Come on in. Sit down. Sit down. Here. Natalie, come sit down. Come sit down. Make yourself at home. Monk, sit. Sit anywhere.
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's okay. I'm not fine.
Marty Eels: Did he just say he's not fine?
Natalie: Yeah.

Julie Teeger: Mom, have you seen my camera?
Natalie: Did you check your jacket? What about your pockets?
Julie Teeger: Yes. I looked everywhere.
Natalie: Well, I haven't seen it, honey. Why don't you ask Mr. Monk to help you?
Julie Teeger: Please, Mr. Monk, it has all my photos in it from my school trip. I was the official photographer. If I lose it, I'm going to get an incomplete.
Adrian Monk: When did you see it last?
Julie Teeger: I saw it yesterday in the living room.
Adrian Monk: That plant has been moved recently.
Natalie: That's right. How did you know?
Adrian Monk: Normally they lean toward the sun. This one is leaning the other way. Hello.
Julie Teeger: Oh, Mr. Monk, thank you so much. You're the best. Isn't he the best?
Natalie: There's no one better. You really are amazing. Ha!
Adrian Monk: Wait. When did you water this?
Natalie: Oh, uh, this morning.
Adrian Monk: Well, the camera could not have been back there this morning. It would've gotten wet. Thanks for trying, Julie.
Julie Teeger: My mom put me up to this.

Natalie: We know how you did it, Marty. We figured it out.
Marty Eels: How I did what?
Natalie: Didn't your mother ever tell you that cheaters never win?
Adrian Monk: Actually, it was your mother's idea. She works for Pacific Global Airlines, doesn't she? In the quality control department?
Marty Eels: Yeah, so?
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. After the murderers, Blanchard and Dial, went back to their motel room, counted their jewels. And then they called the airlines to buy plane tickets to Costa Rica. They were put on hold. What they didn't know was that your mother was already on the line monitoring their call. They must have been on hold for quite a while, because they talked about everything. Who they killed, where they dumped the car, even where they hid the masks.
Natalie: But she didn't call the police. She called you. And told you everything you needed to know to solve the case.
Adrian Monk: Or at least pretend to solve it.
Marty Eels: You're a very smart man.
Natalie: Yeah, he's the real thing.
Marty Eels: Yeah. Of course, you realize you have no proof for any of this.
Natalie: Don't airlines record phone conversations?
Adrian Monk: Yes, Nat, I believe they do.
Marty Eels: Yes, they certainly do. But those conversations have a way of being accidentally erased. So it's really your word against mine. And who do you think everyone's gonna believe? The amazing Marty Eels or yesterday's news? [phone rings] Phone's been ringing off the hook. Case, cases, cases. Would you mind?

Marty Eels: Well, I, I've been teaching myself. I've been, I've learned how to focus. And that's really the secret. Focus, right? Am I right about the focus thing?
Adrian Monk: Bay Area Center Continuing Education. Is that a correspondence school?
Marty Eels: It's fully accredited. What school did you go to?
Adrian Monk: Berkeley.
Marty Eels: That's a good school. I believe they're fully accredited too.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah, they're fully accredited.

Marty Eels: This wasn't even my idea. My mother made me do this. She forced me into it. She said it was the only way a loser like me was ever gonna be able to solve a real crime.
Natalie: She sounds delightful.
Marty Eels: Hey, that's my mother. Where do you get off talking about somebody else's mother? What's wrong with you?