Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Mr. Monk and the Actor’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Actor

501. Mr. Monk and the Actor

Aired July 7, 2006

As Monk finally makes progress moving on from Trudy's death, renowned method actor David Ruskin (guest star Stanley Tucci) prepares to play Monk in a movie.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: How you doin'? We were looking at this case all wrong. It wasn't a burglary. It was all about the wall. The whole time. Here's what happened. The killer was in here last Thursday night. This is where he met Michelle Cullman. They have an artist in here a few nights a week sketching the customers. He drew their picture right there on the wall. After the murder, the killer remembered the sketch. That sketch could hang him. It could prove that he was with the victim the night she died. And it would prove what he was wearing. The same shirt we found at the murder scene. He had to destroy that sketch. So he smashed through the wall and pretended it was part of a burglary. He just pretended to be breaking into a pawn shop. It was never about the pawnshop.
Female Cop: I know.
Lieutenant Disher: You know?
Female Cop: I was here ten minutes ago when Monk was explaining it to you.

Rate

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: That must have been a traumatic experience for you, Adrian. And what, they cancelled the movie?
Adrian Monk: He said he wanted to play a character that wasn't so dark and depressing. He's in England doing Hamlet.
Dr. Kroger: How about the little getaway you were planning? The weekend away? [off Monk's look] All right, okay. Maybe another time.
Adrian Monk: I guess I'm back to square one. Oh, it's nice to be home.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Who's playing me? Anybody lined up? Is there any word from casting?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm thinking Brad Pitt. I mean, if it's in the budget. It's always about the budget.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Uh, yeah, the victim's daughter was in here. She did a quick inventory. Said the guy took some cash from the register, maybe 35 bucks, the Smith and Wesson and a wristwatch.
Adrian Monk: A wristwatch?
David Ruskin: Why would he take only one?
Adrian Monk: Why wouldn't he just take everything in the case?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, he was probably in a hurry. He was afraid someone heard the shot.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, no. It's clear from the footprints that he came here first. But he took the cheapest watch in the case. Look, $72. Why would he take the cheapest one and leave all the others? He must have been after that particular watch.
David Ruskin: Wow. [chuckles] Wow. That's like...
Adrian Monk: It's a gift and a curse.
David Ruskin: [laughs] I love it!
Captain Stottlemeyer: He says that all the time.
David Ruskin: He does? I love that! It's a gift and a curse.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, please don't be hard on yourself. Now, I think maybe we should go back to the three days a week for just a little while. That would be Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Adrian Monk: And Tuesdays.
Dr. Kroger: Tuesday would be four days a week, Adri- Okay. No, I can see that. You know, just until you're back on your feet.
Adrian Monk: And Thursdays.
Dr. Kroger: Well, now, Thursdays is five days a week, Adrian. [Adrian sobs] Okay, that way, five days a week, that would be easier to remember.
Adrian Monk: And Saturday.
Dr. Kroger: Well, Saturday is the weekend, Adrian. And I don't like to see patients on the weekends.
Adrian Monk: Saturday.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I have a family. And I like to keep the weekends free.
Adrian Monk: Saturday.
Dr. Kroger: Saturday. Okay, fine. We'll try that for a week or two. So that would be Monday, Tuesday...
Adrian Monk: And Sunday.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What's all this?
Natalie: Yeah, I read about this place. They have artists here who draw the customers.
Adrian Monk: On the walls? What are they, cave dwellers?
Natalie: That's why the place is called Sketches. You know, they sketch people.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, cave dwellers draw on the walls. These people are behaving like cave dwellers.
Natalie: Okay, they're cave dwellers.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's me. At least I think it's me.
Natalie: Oh, my God, Mr. Monk, what time is it?
Adrian Monk: You were right about actors. He's completely unstable.
Natalie: Oh, God, what did he do?
Adrian Monk: Oh, he's so selfish. He's immature. Get this, he came barging into my house in the middle of the night. Woke me up because he felt like talking.
Natalie: Um. Can't imagine what that would be like.
Adrian Monk: So we talked for hours. I will say this, he gets me. He really gets me. He understands about Trudy. He was dredging up these feelings. Feelings I haven't had in years. And then he made us food. Fried eggs with the yolk exactly in the center. I mean exactly. He used a ruler just the way I like it. It was confusing, but delicious. Confusing. But delicious. And then he said he was tired. And he asked me to leave.
Natalie: So you left?
Adrian Monk: He has to get up at 6:00.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, that's your house.
Adrian Monk: Boy, he's a good actor.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

David Ruskin: Hey, guys, can I ask you- I just wanna ask you a quick- Just a quick question. I wanna do that thing, you know, that he does with his hands.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, yeah, you know... No, I can do that.
David Ruskin: What is that? What is that thing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He floats. It's like he's floating... He's on the sea of... Like that.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Director: And action!
Stottlemeyer Actor: Uh, look, I know he's a bit eccentric, but Adrian Monk is the best damn investigator I've ever had. So you tell the mayor, if he goes, I go. That's right. Lieutenant Disher! Lieutenant Disher, you got a minute?
Disher Actress: Yes, Captain?
Stottlemeyer Actor: Uh, what the hell do I say.
Producer: [o.s.] The victim.
Stottlemeyer Actor: I got it. The victim just received a check for $50,000. Pretty weird time to kill yourself. What do you think?
Disher Actress: I'll tell you what I think. I think the department doesn't appreciate you enough.
Stottlemeyer Actor: Randi, what are you doing?
Disher Actress: I'm doing what you taught me to do, Captain. Following my instincts. [they kiss]
Captain Stottlemeyer: That never happened.
Lieutenant Disher: Not even once.

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I just don't now what to say. I'm speechless, and I'm very very proud of you.
Adrian Monk: No big deal.
Dr. Kroger: No, no, no. I'm very, very proud of you. And it is a big deal.
Adrian Monk: It's just one weekend. I'll be gone for two nights.
Dr. Kroger: Two nights alone in a hotel?
Adrian Monk: I might even leave my room.
Dr. Kroger: Yes.
Adrian Monk: Would you like to come along? I'll treat.
Dr. Kroger: No. No, I mean it's your vacation.
Adrian Monk: My treat.
Dr. Kroger: But it's your breakthrough. And I think it's the first time since you lost Trudy that you're actually looking forward to something.
Adrian Monk: I am. I'm looking forward.
Dr. Kroger: You know, there is a term for this, Adrian. It's called affirmative reflex. And it's a very, very big step.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: Okay, it's 3:00. I'll see you next--
Adrian Monk: Okay, I'll see you on Wednesday.
Dr. Kroger: Whoa, wait-wait-wait. You know, I was thinking maybe we should eliminate Wednesday. And you can come on Monday and Friday.
Adrian Monk: Two days a week?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, how would you feel about that?
Adrian Monk: I don't know what to say. That's only twice as much as a normal person. How many times does Harold Crenshaw come?
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, you know I can't talk about another patient.
Adrian Monk: I'll bet he comes three times a week. Loser.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, it's not a contest. The important thing is that you're making real tangible progress. And I couldn't be happier. You know, you've been stuck at square one for a long time.
Adrian Monk: I hate square one.
Dr. Kroger: Well then let me be the first to say, welcome to square two.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] How many squares are there?
Dr. Kroger: We'll just take it one step at a time.
Adrian Monk: What square is Harold on?
Dr. Kroger: Doesn't matter.
Adrian Monk: I understand. He's still on square one, isn't he? Blink twice if I'm right.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Tangible progress, can you believe it? That's what he said. Tangible progress. Those were his words.
Natalie: Good for you.
Adrian Monk: He said that I was on square two.
Natalie: Oh, that's a good place to be.
Adrian Monk: What square are you on?
Natalie: Oh, I don't know, Mr. Monk. I never really thought about it.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'd say you were on square five, four or five.
Natalie: That sounds about right. But you're catching up. Oh, I'm so proud of you. Are you proud of yourself?
Adrian Monk: Proud of myself? No, no. That's square-five talk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Where was I?
Natalie: You were headed out to the balcony.
Adrian Monk: Uh, no. No, no, no, no. I have to check over here. Have to look over here. There's not enough stuffing in this bear. I think there was something hidden in here.
Natalie: You already said that.
Adrian Monk: Did I?
Natalie: Mr. Monk? We have a visitor.
Adrian Monk: Huh, I didn't see you there.
David Ruskin: Hey, hey, hey.
Adrian Monk: I'm Adrian Monk.
David Ruskin: Hey. Uh, Dave Ruskin. Listen, I am such a big, big fan of yours. And I've been looking forward to this for a long time. Normally I would shake your hand, but people warned me about, you know.
Adrian Monk: No, no, I'm fine. People exaggerate about that stuff. I can shake hands.
David Ruskin: All right, cool. [they shake hands] Well, listen, I only got a little while to get inside your head. So be patient with me.
Adrian Monk: Well, good luck. [Natalie goes to hand him a wipe] What's that for? What's the matter with you?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: Randy Disher.
David Ruskin: Oh, yeah, Lieutenant Disher. You're in the script.
Lieutenant Disher: That's right, that's me. Hey, you don't happen to know who's gonna be playing me in the movie, do you?
David Ruskin: I don't know. The last I heard they were talking to Brad.
Lieutenant Disher: Brad Pitt?
David Ruskin: Yeah.
Lieutenant Disher: Really? I swear that's exactly who I thought. Excuse me, I gotta call my mother- My girlfriend. Ha. Brad Pitt.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [to Ruskin] Yep. Thank you. I enjoyed that.
David Ruskin: My pleasure. My pleasure, Captain.

Quote from Adrian Monk

David Ruskin: Listen, I wanna do that thing, you know, with the hands. The thing you do with the hands. Can you just show me quickly?
Adrian Monk: Oh, that? Yeah. Yeah, that's like...
David Ruskin: What is it?
Adrian Monk: You look between your fingers. Yeah? You just let your mind go blank.
David Ruskin: Well, that won't be hard.
Adrian Monk: You let the room wash over you.
David Ruskin: Yeah, all right.
Adrian Monk: And you can go up, or you can go down.
David Ruskin: Okay.
Adrian Monk: And you can lean. Just making connections and just looking for, uh... You're looking for inconsistencies.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie Actress: Am I interrupting something?
Disher Actress: I was just, uh, looking for evidence.
Natalie Actress: In his mouth? Mr. Monk! We're in here!
David Ruskin: [enters] [touches lights] Hmm. [rearranges figurines] Something's not... Something's wrong here. How tall was the victim?
Disher Actress: 5'7".
David Ruskin: Natalie, you're 5'7". Um, would you mind... Um, I'd do it myself, but I'm afraid of heights.
Disher Actress: And needles and germs and milk.
Stottlemeyer Actor: It just doesn't add up.
David Ruskin: Captain, I am 90 to 95% sure that Steve Wagner killed this woman.
Stottlemeyer Actor: The astronaut? Monk, he was in space. Outer space.
David Ruskin: I don't know how he did it, but he did it.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Natalie: Who's that guy?
Lieutenant Disher: I can't tell you. It's a secret. The captain wants to tell you himself. Okay, when the captain tells you, you gotta act surprised. It's a Hollywood producer. He's making a movie about us. I mean all of us.
Natalie: What kind of movie?
Lieutenant Disher: It's called "The Killer Astronaut." Remember the jet pilot Steve Wagner? Him. It's great.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: There you are! Hey, are you guys ready for some great news? See that guy over there? He's a television producer. His name is Hoberman. They're making a movie about the astronaut case from last year.
Adrian Monk: Whoo! Gah! Whoo!
Captain Stottlemeyer: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm fine. Just surprised.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It gets even better. You know who's sitting in that limousine over there? David Ruskin.
Adrian Monk: The actor?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He's gonna be playing you.
Adrian Monk: I know him. David Ruskin. I saw him. Trudy- Trudy and I saw him in a play. She thought he was handsome. Now he's playing me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I'm glad you're happy, Monk. Because the guy wants to follow you around for a while.
Natalie: Follow him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, to study him. It's entirely up to you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: There's not enough stuffing here. I think there was something else inside this bear. Could a camera fit in here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Adrian Monk: 'Cause it was facing the pull-out couch. They could have been, you know...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Makin' whoopee.
Adrian Monk: Exactly.

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode