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‘Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra

311. Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra

Aired January 28, 2005

Monk investigates the death of an author who wrote a tell-all book about a martial arts start long dead. Meanwhile, Natalie threatens to quit when Monk refuses to pay her business expenses.

Quote from Adrian Monk

[fantasy:]
Trudy: We both know what's happening here, Adrian. You're having what Dr. Kroger would call a psychotic break. It's a defense mechanism. How long do you have?
Adrian Monk: Uh, there's about 50 cubic feet of air in the coffin. 35 minutes, maybe 40. Let's talk about something else.
Trudy: How did you know it was the gravedigger?
Adrian Monk: I noticed the stamp on the back of his hand. At the time, I didn't think anything about it. But then later, I saw the exact same stamp on Natalie's hand.
Trudy: So you knew Chris Downey had been to the museum.
Adrian Monk: That's right. He stole Sonny Chow's hairbrush. Because he needed Chow's DNA, so he could frame him for murder.
Trudy: But why Sonny Chow?
Adrian Monk: So the police would exhume his body. It all started six years ago. I remember the case. Downey had stolen half a million in jewels from a courier. During the getaway, he assaulted an off-duty cop. He was convicted on the assault, but they couldn't get him on the robbery.
Trudy: They never found the diamonds.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. He was working here at the cemetery. Before he went home, he must've stopped here and hid the jewels.
Trudy: Where?
Adrian Monk: In Sonny Chow's coffin. It was perfect. Chow was scheduled to be buried the next day. Downey figured he could always come back and dig it up. Even five or six years later.
Trudy: You felt 'em in the pillowcase. You felt 'em when Natalie hit you in the back.
Adrian Monk: That's right.

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Get a list of tenants. Start knockin' on doors. Lieutenant, I thought you had the perimeter.
Lieutenant Disher: Fist of the Cobra. 1975. I've got that same poster in my room. Oh, look at this. That's from Ten Fingers of Doom. He broke his arm doing that stunt. He still finished the scene, though. Oh, my God!
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lieutenant Disher: He's got a bootleg copy of Enter the Cobra. Can I have this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, you can't have it, Detective. This is a crime scene.
Lieutenant Disher: Let's watch it. [off Stottlemeyer's look] Fine, I'll put it back.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Sir, I've got a theory on this. This guy John Ricca, he's published a book about Sonny Chow, right?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, it's a real hatchet job. I mean, it made the Cobra look terrible.
Captain Stottlemeyer: "The Cobra"?
Lieutenant Disher: Sonny Chow. I mean, maybe we should be looking for a Sonny Chow fan. I mean, they all hated the book. And most of them are pretty nuts. I mean, I see them at conventions all the time, and they are real fanatics.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: He's alive. Sonny Chow is alive. He pulled an Elvis, faked his own death.
Adrian Monk: He pulled an Elvis?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes. Check this out. Six years ago, a man named Joseph Lee disappeared from a homeless shelter in the Presidio one day before Sonny Chow "died." They were the same height and same weight.
Adrian Monk: It could be a coincidence.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, we're about to find out. We just got a court order to exhume the body. They're diggin' it up now.
Natalie: Lieutenant, you understand if Sonny Chow is alive, he's murdered at least two people.
Lieutenant Disher: Uh-huh.
Natalie: You'd have to arrest him.
Lieutenant Disher: I'd get to meet him.
Natalie: He might try to kill you.
Lieutenant Disher: You think so? Wow, that would be so cool. Sonny Chow.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: All right, next thing, um... Here you go.
Adrian Monk: What? Wh- What's this?
Natalie: Those are my expenses. They come to $310.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I don't pay those.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, they're all business-related. Here, look, um... This is my gas bill, from driving you around all day.
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
Natalie: This is my cell phone bill. All these calls are from you. And this is from the drugstore. I'm buying over 200 wipes a week.
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. I pay you exactly what I paid Sharona. I didn't pay her expenses.
Natalie: Here's the thing. I am not Sharona. I'm an individual. I'm unique. Don't ever compare me to anybody else.
Adrian Monk: Sharona used to say the exact same thing. Word for word. Isn't that funny?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, are you going to reimburse me or not?
Adrian Monk: I would, if I could. But I can't afford it.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Wipe.
Natalie: Oh, you know what, these are mine. I paid for them.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: How are you?
Disciple: I am well.
Natalie: [to Disciple #2] Hello. How are you?
Adrian Monk: Well, how are you?
Disciple: Do not be insulted. Wee Ling has not spoken in nine years. A vow of silence. He is cleansing his soul.
Natalie: [to Monk] You should give that a shot.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Master Zi: A great sorrow has entered this room.
Adrian Monk: That would be me.
Master Zi: And there is a woman with you. She is very beautiful.
Natalie: How can you tell?
Master Zi: I could hear Mr. Huang's heart beating faster. Now that I see you, it is obvious why.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: We would like to ask you some questions about Sonny Chow.
Natalie: You were his teacher?
Master Zi: That is true. But I also learned from him.
Adrian Monk: A man was murdered two nights ago, and there is evidence that Sonny Chow was responsible.
Master Zi: Cobra is dead, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure about that?
Master Zi: He died in my arms six years ago. I felt his spirit leaving his body.
Adrian Monk: If he were still alive and you were hiding him, that would be a very serious crime.
Master Zi: It would be worse than a crime. It would be a lie. A man who speaks only the truth has nothing to fear. Don't you agree?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I do.
Master Zi: I'm sorry. I disappointed you. But I am feeling something else. [places hand on Monk's chest] Oh, my. A troubled soul. You are on a quest, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Master Zi: You live in a very dark place. The darkness is your fear. Take this as a gift. [gives Monk a candle and a match] Light is your weapon, Mr. Monk. Be the light.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. Thank you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Master Zi: Excuse me. Miss Teeger, this man is your employer. He is your master. It is your job to serve him unquestioningly. Mr. Monk, you should not pay her any more money.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Master Zi: She must learn that true wealth is in the heart. Not in the bank.
Adrian Monk: It's- It's not in the bank.
Natalie: All right.
Adrian Monk: You you are a wise and learned man. As are you. It must be a tremendous burden to possess such wisdom.
Master Zi: It is a gift. And a curse.
Adrian Monk: Exactly.
Natalie: Okay, okay, oh, my God, get a room, really. I would. Just get it over with.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Natalie: I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, well, at least I got to have my picture with Sonny Chow.
Natalie: You took a picture?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah. Maybe I'll donate it.
Natalie: What?
Lieutenant Disher: There's a Sonny Chow museum in Daly City. Probably give me a lifetime pass for this.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Ah.
Natalie: No, w- Wait, what's wrong with that one?
Adrian Monk: The "K" went below the line.
Natalie: N- No, don't throw it away! Mr. Monk, please, I am begging you. We've been here for three hours. We've paid two bills.
Adrian Monk: I don't think the bank will take this.
Natalie: T- They'll cash it. l- I promise. If I'm wrong, I'll pay your water bill myself.
Adrian Monk: But, uh, let me just start over. I- I- It'll only take a minute. [Natalie takes the envelope and licks it] What are you doing, now?
Natalie: There you go.
Adrian Monk: Don't, don't, don't, don't!
Natalie: Too late. Already sealed it. Do you want it? You'll have to rip open the envelope. Good.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: [phone rings] Oh, look, it's the Captain. It's probably about a job.
Adrian Monk: Aren't you gonna answer that?
Natalie: No, I don't want to go over my maximum minutes. [Monk stares at the phone, before turning back to the desk] You've got to be the cheapest man I've ever met. [answers phone] Hello? Yes, sir, he's right here. Well, that sounds fascinating. Really? Well, I hope the crime scene is within walking distance, 'cause I'm not drivin' him.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: How did he enter the building?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He broke in through a door on the roof around 4:00 a.m. But get this, when he left after the murder, he took the elevator down and ran out.
Adrian Monk: He didn't mind being seen.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Doctor, give me the good news.
Medial Examiner: He was clutching some hair. He must have grabbed it off the killer's head. That means we have a good shot at some DNA.
Adrian Monk: How could he grab any hair? We just saw the tape. The intruder was wearing a hood.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, it could've fallen off during the fight.
Medical Examiner: It gets weirder. The victim wrote you a note.
Lieutenant Disher: "Ow." Why would anybody write "ow"? Usually that's something you'd say. [Monk moves the victim's hand] Oh, my God. Chow. He's alive. Sir, the rumors are true. He's been hiding out overseas, just waiting for the right time to make a comeback. Captain, he's alive.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nah. Nah, there's got to be another explanation, right?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, you remember that convention I went to in Atlanta about three years ago?
Adrian Monk: Uh...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, something happened there that I didn't tell you about. I landed, I hailed a cab, and I recognized the cab driver. It was Harold Burnshaw.
Adrian Monk: Burnshaw?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Burnshaw. He used to be a Fed. He was a real player. He used to head the FBI's field office in Atlanta until the 1996 Olympic games.
Adrian Monk: The plaza bombing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Exactly. They accused the wrong guy. Burnshaw booted it big time on network television. Instant career killer. Now he's drivin' a cab. Monk, you should've seen his face. I'll never forget it.
Adrian Monk: Well, uh, what does this have to do with...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Twenty years ago, Sonny Chow froze some of his own blood in the event that he needed surgery. So they've got bulletproof DNA for a comparison. And that's a prelim on the hair we found at the crime scene.
Adrian Monk: It's a match.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's Sonny Chow's hair. No question about it. He's been dead for six years, and he's my primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, if I go public with this and I'm wrong I'm going to wind up at the airport, picking up cops who still have jobs. Can you help me with this? I mean, I've got to know. I've got to be certain: Is this guy alive or dead?

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: I thought Sonny Chow lived in Hollywood.
Adrian Monk: No, he lived in this house, before he became famous. Then he moved back here when he was sick. According to his file, this is where he died.
Natalie: Or did he? [ghostly] Whoo!
Adrian Monk: No, don't, don't don't do that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Disciple: Please remove your shoes.
Natalie: Oh.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Here's the thing. I'd rather not, if that's okay?
Disciple: There are no exceptions, Mr. Monk. Even the Master's feet are bare.
Adrian Monk: I understand. Here's the thing. I'm a little shy. I never... I never go barefoot.
Natalie: It's true, I've never seen his feet.
Adrian Monk: I've never seen my feet. For all I know, I could have 18 toes. [Disciple #2 doesn't laugh] He's good.
Disciple: So, you are refusing.
Adrian Monk: Not just that. Uh, I would like to ask all of you, as a favor, as a personal favor, to put your shoes back on. If that's not too much trouble.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: It's not that big a deal. Just take off the shoes. Take 'em off.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Um, have the the rugs been cleaned recently? And shampooed?
Disciple: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Has the Master heard of athlete's foot? Because the fungus and the bacteria, can get up in between the toes...
Disciple #2: Oh, for Christ's sake, just take 'em off!
Disciple: Wee Ling, you have spoken. You must begin again.
Disciple #2: Oh, forget it.
Adrian Monk: Nine years, huh?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Disciple: Students from around the world come to study at Master Zee's feet.
Adrian Monk: His bare feet?
Disciple: That is correct.

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