[fantasy:]
Trudy: We both know what's happening here, Adrian. You're having what Dr. Kroger would call a psychotic break. It's a defense mechanism. How long do you have?
Adrian Monk: Uh, there's about 50 cubic feet of air in the coffin. 35 minutes, maybe 40. Let's talk about something else.
Trudy: How did you know it was the gravedigger?
Adrian Monk: I noticed the stamp on the back of his hand. At the time, I didn't think anything about it. But then later, I saw the exact same stamp on Natalie's hand.
Trudy: So you knew Chris Downey had been to the museum.
Adrian Monk: That's right. He stole Sonny Chow's hairbrush. Because he needed Chow's DNA, so he could frame him for murder.
Trudy: But why Sonny Chow?
Adrian Monk: So the police would exhume his body. It all started six years ago. I remember the case. Downey had stolen half a million in jewels from a courier. During the getaway, he assaulted an off-duty cop. He was convicted on the assault, but they couldn't get him on the robbery.
Trudy: They never found the diamonds.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. He was working here at the cemetery. Before he went home, he must've stopped here and hid the jewels.
Trudy: Where?
Adrian Monk: In Sonny Chow's coffin. It was perfect. Chow was scheduled to be buried the next day. Downey figured he could always come back and dig it up. Even five or six years later.
Trudy: You felt 'em in the pillowcase. You felt 'em when Natalie hit you in the back.
Adrian Monk: That's right.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Get a list of tenants. Start knockin' on doors. Lieutenant, I thought you had the perimeter.
Lieutenant Disher: Fist of the Cobra. 1975. I've got that same poster in my room. Oh, look at this. That's from Ten Fingers of Doom. He broke his arm doing that stunt. He still finished the scene, though. Oh, my God!
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lieutenant Disher: He's got a bootleg copy of Enter the Cobra. Can I have this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, you can't have it, Detective. This is a crime scene.
Lieutenant Disher: Let's watch it. [off Stottlemeyer's look] Fine, I'll put it back.

Lieutenant Disher: Sir, I've got a theory on this. This guy John Ricca, he's published a book about Sonny Chow, right?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, it's a real hatchet job. I mean, it made the Cobra look terrible.
Captain Stottlemeyer: "The Cobra"?
Lieutenant Disher: Sonny Chow. I mean, maybe we should be looking for a Sonny Chow fan. I mean, they all hated the book. And most of them are pretty nuts. I mean, I see them at conventions all the time, and they are real fanatics.

Lieutenant Disher: He's alive. Sonny Chow is alive. He pulled an Elvis, faked his own death.
Adrian Monk: He pulled an Elvis?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes. Check this out. Six years ago, a man named Joseph Lee disappeared from a homeless shelter in the Presidio one day before Sonny Chow "died." They were the same height and same weight.
Adrian Monk: It could be a coincidence.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, we're about to find out. We just got a court order to exhume the body. They're diggin' it up now.
Natalie: Lieutenant, you understand if Sonny Chow is alive, he's murdered at least two people.
Lieutenant Disher: Uh-huh.
Natalie: You'd have to arrest him.
Lieutenant Disher: I'd get to meet him.
Natalie: He might try to kill you.
Lieutenant Disher: You think so? Wow, that would be so cool. Sonny Chow.

Adrian Monk: Wipe.
Natalie: Oh, you know what, these are mine. I paid for them.

Natalie: How are you?
Disciple: I am well.
Natalie: [to Disciple #2] Hello. How are you?
Adrian Monk: Well, how are you?
Disciple: Do not be insulted. Wee Ling has not spoken in nine years. A vow of silence. He is cleansing his soul.
Natalie: [to Monk] You should give that a shot.

Natalie: All right, next thing, um... Here you go.
Adrian Monk: What? Wh- What's this?
Natalie: Those are my expenses. They come to $310.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I don't pay those.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, they're all business-related. Here, look, um... This is my gas bill, from driving you around all day.
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
Natalie: This is my cell phone bill. All these calls are from you. And this is from the drugstore. I'm buying over 200 wipes a week.
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. I pay you exactly what I paid Sharona. I didn't pay her expenses.
Natalie: Here's the thing. I am not Sharona. I'm an individual. I'm unique. Don't ever compare me to anybody else.
Adrian Monk: Sharona used to say the exact same thing. Word for word. Isn't that funny?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, are you going to reimburse me or not?
Adrian Monk: I would, if I could. But I can't afford it.

Master Zi: A great sorrow has entered this room.
Adrian Monk: That would be me.
Master Zi: And there is a woman with you. She is very beautiful.
Natalie: How can you tell?
Master Zi: I could hear Mr. Huang's heart beating faster. Now that I see you, it is obvious why.

Adrian Monk: We would like to ask you some questions about Sonny Chow.
Natalie: You were his teacher?
Master Zi: That is true. But I also learned from him.
Adrian Monk: A man was murdered two nights ago, and there is evidence that Sonny Chow was responsible.
Master Zi: Cobra is dead, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure about that?
Master Zi: He died in my arms six years ago. I felt his spirit leaving his body.
Adrian Monk: If he were still alive and you were hiding him, that would be a very serious crime.
Master Zi: It would be worse than a crime. It would be a lie. A man who speaks only the truth has nothing to fear. Don't you agree?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I do.
Master Zi: I'm sorry. I disappointed you. But I am feeling something else. [places hand on Monk's chest] Oh, my. A troubled soul. You are on a quest, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Master Zi: You live in a very dark place. The darkness is your fear. Take this as a gift. [gives Monk a candle and a match] Light is your weapon, Mr. Monk. Be the light.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. Thank you.

Master Zi: Excuse me. Miss Teeger, this man is your employer. He is your master. It is your job to serve him unquestioningly. Mr. Monk, you should not pay her any more money.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Master Zi: She must learn that true wealth is in the heart. Not in the bank.
Adrian Monk: It's- It's not in the bank.
Natalie: All right.
Adrian Monk: You you are a wise and learned man. As are you. It must be a tremendous burden to possess such wisdom.
Master Zi: It is a gift. And a curse.
Adrian Monk: Exactly.
Natalie: Okay, okay, oh, my God, get a room, really. I would. Just get it over with.