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‘Mr. Monk Makes a Friend’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Monk: Mr. Monk Makes a Friend

511. Mr. Monk Makes a Friend

Aired January 19, 2007

Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are puzzled when Monk makes a friend, Hal (guest star Andy Richter).

Quote from Adrian Monk

Hal Tucker: Ah, here. Hey, you're, ah, you're missin' two eggs here.
Adrian Monk: No, no. I only buy ten at a time. I know, it's crazy.
Hal Tucker: No, it makes perfect sense to me.
Adrian Monk: It does?
Hal Tucker: Yeah, I mean, why have a decimal system if you're not gonna use it? Ten at a time, it's brilliant. I mean, why 12?
Adrian Monk: Exactly. Twelve's so arbitrary.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Hal Tucker: What's this?
Adrian Monk: That's bubble wrap. Protect the apple.
Hal Tucker: Did they do this for you?
Adrian Monk: No, no. I bring my own. They- They always tease me about it.
Hal Tucker: Yeah, well, who's laughing now? Look at that thing. It's perfect. Where as mine it's all bruised and scuffed up. You're a genius.
Adrian Monk: I don't know about genius.
Hal Tucker: I like your style, ya know? You know, you play by your own rules.
Adrian Monk: That's one way of lookin' at it, I guess.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Why doesn't he call? It's been two and a half days.
Julie Teeger: Why don't you call him?
Adrian Monk: I did. I left 14 messages. I must have said something. Done something. I came on too strong. Scared him off. So now I'm back to zero friends.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm your friend.
Adrian Monk: Because I pay you!
Natalie: You don't pay me that much.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Hal Tucker: Ah, this is the life, huh?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Hal Tucker: A Sonny Chow movie, pepperoni pizza, a couple of guys hanging out.
Adrian Monk: Absolutely. I'm sorry I had to send that first one back.
Hal Tucker: Oh, don't worry about it. No, you were totally right. Sliced ten ways makes all the difference.
Adrian Monk: That's all I'm sayin'.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Julie Teeger: There's this girl in my grade, Jenny Merrick. And when Becky Zucker stopped talking to her, you know what she did? She told everybody that Becky wets her bed.
Adrian Monk: [sarcastically] Thanks, Julie! [phone rings] That's him. That's him. It's him, it's him.
Natalie: But how do you know?
Adrian Monk: Who else could it be? You're right here. [giggles, answers phone] Hello? Yeah. She's right here. [to Julie] It's for you. It's your friend, Bonnie.
Julie Teeger: I'm sorry. I gave her this number. [on the phone] Hi. No, I can't talk right now. My mom's boss is crying again.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Candle's full of water. These are soaking wet. Okay, he was in the shower. Something happened, she said something. He was upset. He opened the shower curtain, didn't even bother to stop to turn off the water. He grabbed the top towel. Went into the other room and killed her.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're pretty damned good when the toilet seat's down.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He's gonna be here any minute! Any minute! Julie, Julie, put on some music. Please, Natalie, don't go away. Stay- Stay right there. I need you. I need you. Which one? Which?!
Natalie: They're exactly-
Adrian Monk: Which one?!
Natalie: That one! Mr. Monk, you're gonna have a heart attack.
Adrian Monk: No, no. I'm fine. I'm okay. Just, uh... Just, uh... Keep going, ask me another one.
Natalie: Okay. What's a forward line?
Adrian Monk: Ah, in professional hockey. The forward line consists of the right wing and the left wing. And the center. This year the Sharks have had a outstanding forward line. Outstanding. Let's- Let's say their names. Okay, Joe Thornton. Oh, Kaspar--no!
Natalie: Mr. Monk, why don't you just be honest? Tell him it's your first game.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. I tried that honesty thing. It was a total disaster.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: No, no, Julie. Not classical. Put on something cool. You know, the rock and the roll.
Natalie: You don't have any rock and roll.
Adrian Monk: Well, not- Not classical. Anything but classical.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, he's just a guy. He can't be the first friend you've ever had. [Monk looks at Natalie] Oh.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Hal Tucker: Oh, my gosh! Are you okay? I am so sorry. That is all my fault. Man, they oughta put blinkers on these things. Is this yours or mine?
Adrian Monk: No, that- That's not mine. That's yours.
Hal Tucker: Yeah, well. Pretty much anything that can kill ya, that's gonna me be mine.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Hal Tucker: I mean, look at this. Soup for one, frozen meat loaf. I might as well wear a big sign that says, "divorced guy."
Adrian Monk: Yeah.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Hal Tucker: Hal, Hal Tucker.
Adrian Monk: Adrian Monk.
Hal Tucker: Yeah- Oh, did I do that?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it's nothing. Just a little juice. It's nothing.
Hal Tucker: You got to send me the bill for that.
Adrian Monk: No, no. I have a hundred shirts just like it at home. I mean, 99 now.
Hal Tucker: Well, I always pay my debts. Adrian Monk, I'm gonna look you up. I'm gonna pay you back.
[After Hal walks away, Monk takes his groceries bags and dumps them in the trash as he heads back into the supermarket]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Uh... Uh... Uh.. Yeah. Can we, uh... Think we could put down the, uh... The, um... The toilet seat?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nope. Tech guys haven't been here yet. We can't touch anything.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Okay, so, uh somebody was in the shower. And then, uh... So the... I can't- I can't- can't think.
[Stottlemeyer takes Monk's pen, removes the evidence label from the toilet, coughs as he closes the lid, then goes to return the pen to Monk]
Adrian Monk: Nah, keep it! Just keep it.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, we know her. Uh, knew her.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Knew who?
Lieutenant Disher: The victim. She was a dispatcher at the old precinct.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No kidding. Oh, yeah. About ten years ago. Gail something.
Adrian Monk: Gail Segalis. Oh, my God. I used to carpool with her. Oh, she was always talking about trips she wanted to take. She said if she ever made it to the Parthenon, she was gonna send me a picture.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, looks like she made it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, is this a boyfriend? I love boyfriends. Let's find him.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What's this?
Lieutenant Disher: What do you got?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The price is in euros. She brought it back with her.
Adrian Monk: Where's the wine?
Lieutenant Disher: Probably drank it.
Adrian Monk: Where's the bottle?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: [answers phone] Hello? Yes. He's right here. Who's this? A what? A friend of whose? This is Adrian Monk. What number are you calling? Yeah. Hold on. Mr. Monk? It's Hal?
Adrian Monk: Hal! Hal? He called me? [takes the phone] Hello? Yeah, yeah, of course I remember you. Yeah. Oh, it was... Yeah, it was nice meeting you too. Bumping into you. All right, I get it, I get it. It was a play on words. Oh, that was just my assistant Natalie. Huh? Hold on. Hold on, I'll see. Are you hot?
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: What, tom- tomorrow? Oh, sure. I- Sure, that sounds okay. Yeah, that sounds great. All right, okay, great. I'll see you then. [hangs up] That was Hal.
Natalie: Who is Hal?
Adrian Monk: Oh, he's just a guy. He's a friend. We're going to the hockey game tomorrow.
Lieutenant Disher: The hockey game?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Kramer, what're you doing tomorrow?
Kramer: Going to the beach with the kids.
Adrian Monk: Can't go with ya. I'm going to the hockey game. Captain, you don't need me tomorrow, do ya?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Adrian Monk: Good, 'cause I'm goin' to the game.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. I heard.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Natalie: I'm cleaning.
Adrian Monk: No, I don't want it too clean! He'll think I'm some kind of a freak. I left five crumbs out.
Natalie: Yeah, I only see one, two, three, four.
Adrian Monk: Four! God! Four. Here, here it is. Okay, there it is.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Hal Tucker: Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Hey, Hal!
Hal Tucker: Hey, there. I hope you don't mind I let myself in.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Hal's here.
Hal Tucker: I brought in your mail. Hey, nice crib.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah, uh, thanks.
[The Star Spangled Banner plays]
Hal Tucker: Patriotic, I like that. Most people wouldn't have the guts.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, exactly. So this is my crib. Excuse the mess, okay?
Hal Tucker: What mess?
Adrian Monk: Well, you know. The crumbs, there's five crumbs there.

Quote from Natalie

Hal Tucker: So, you ready to roll? It's gonna be a great game.
Adrian Monk: Absolutely. Go Sharks!
Hal Tucker: Oh, I love it! That's great. We'll see ya later.
Adrian Monk: We'll see ya later. [both exit]
Julie Teeger: I like him.
Natalie: Yeah, I do too. I wonder what he's up to.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Man: Take the shot! Come on, take the shot! Take the shot!
Adrian Monk: Take the shot! Take the shot!
Hal Tucker: How about these seats, huh?
Adrian Monk: Oh, they're excellent. They're really bolted in.
Hal Tucker: Yeah.
Hal Tucker: Oh, man. Did you see that? What the hell was that?
Adrian Monk: The hell if I know! What the hell was that?! Hell.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Hal Tucker: Cheech is really off his game tonight.
Adrian Monk: Yes. Yes, last year, Jonathan Cheechoo, whose nickname is Cheech, was the third highest-scoring right wing in the league. He was born in Ontario.
Hal Tucker: Really? That's interesting.
Adrian Monk: It is?
Hal Tucker: Yeah.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Smudge.
Hal Tucker: What?
Adrian Monk: There's a smudge. On the glass. It's on the inside. We can't get it.
Hal Tucker: Right.
Adrian Monk: It's no big deal, right?
Hal Tucker: No.
Adrian Monk: Who cares? Right? Let's just think about something else.

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