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‘Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever

312. Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever

Aired February 4, 2005

After Monk witnesses a gangland killing and waits to testify, Captain Stottlemeyer and Natalie join him at an FBI safe house where he can't help but notice another crime.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? And don't give me any of that 95% crap.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I am 100% sure that she probably killed him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
Adrian Monk: 95%.

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk & Liuetenant Disher: [in unison] Oh, my God. I've got it. Here's what happened!
Lieutenant Disher: We didn't meet by accident.
Adrian Monk: She electrocuted him.
Lieutenant Disher: It was a set-up from the very beginning. Oh, I can see that now. God, I'm such an idiot!
Adrian Monk: She dropped the radio into the tub while he was bathing. She wanted to make it look like an act of God to collect the extra insurance.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe I believed it because I wanted to believe it. All those fortunes were printed in advance, just for me!
Adrian Monk: She had to preserve the body until the storm came.
Natalie: That's why she bought those bags of ice.
Deputy Paul Coby: My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Neither one.
Adrian Monk: She froze the body so the coroner would never know the time of death.
Lieutenant Disher: The first fortune predicted that I'd be saved from a dirty death which is exactly what happened when I left the restaurant.
Adrian Monk: Last night, during the storm, she put her husband in the boat, then cut it loose, waited a few hours, and then reported it as an accident.
Lieutenant Disher: Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She'll probably break up with me.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Okay, can I say something? I'm freaking out back here.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Natalie: Everywhere you go, every time you turn around, somebody is killing somebody else.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's true.
Adrian Monk: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, there was the time you went on vacation, and then on the airplane...
Adrian Monk: These things happen.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, and then that that stage play.
Adrian Monk: It happens.
Natalie: To you! Not to me, not to anybody else. It follows you around. You're not just unlucky, it's... It's something else.
Adrian Monk: Bad karma?
Natalie: You're like a magnet.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Bad karma.
Natalie: It's like you're causing it somehow. You're the Prince of Darkness.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no. He's not the Prince of Darkness. I've seen him vacuum the ceiling. You wouldn't see the Prince of Darkness vacuuming the ceiling.
Natalie: I can picture the Prince of Darkness vacuuming the ceiling to trick us. He's very tricky.
Adrian Monk: Stop calling me the Prince of Darkness. That's how rumors get started.

Quote from Natalie

Agent Grooms: Miss Teeger, please. Stay in the vehicle.
Natalie: No.
Agent Grooms: All right, you can stretch your legs. Just don't call any attention to yourself.
Natalie: Good advice coming from a guy wearin' a three-piece suit in the middle of the woods.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, guess what tomorrow is?
Adrian Monk: It's your birthday, of course.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Happy birthday to me. What the hell happened to me, Monk? I was supposed to be the Deputy Commissioner by now. I was the fair-haired boy, remember? Youngest detective in the history of the department. And now, I'm the guy that knows how to find you.
Adrian Monk: Oh, look, Captain, there isn't...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Forget about it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Ah, ah, I got nature... There's... There's nature on my hand. I need a wipe. Wipe! [Natalie hands Monk a leaf] No, y-you can't clean nature with nature!

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: I get it now.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Get what?
Natalie: It's not bad karma, people getting killed whenever he's around. It's good karma, because he's there to catch 'em and make it right. It's a good thing, isn't it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, it is. It's a good thing.
Natalie: [to Monk] Come on. I'll buy you a wipe.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk, now remember, as long as you're here, your name is Conway. Frank Conway. We made up an ID for you.
Adrian Monk: Wait, he doesn't look like me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a picture of you.
Adrian Monk: It is?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Say, how's Natalie workin' out?
Adrian Monk: Oh, Natalie's great. [sweeping leaves] Just pick 'em up, pick 'em up. I like her, I I trust her, and hey, I I depend on her. She'll probably be quitting soon.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Happy birthday, Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much, Natalie. This is probably the most depressing birthday I've ever had.
Adrian Monk: I've had worse.
Natalie: Did you make a wish?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, I did.
Adrian Monk: What was it? [Stottlemeyer is silent] Did it involve me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, it did.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Do you have pliers?
Natalie: What for?
Adrian Monk: Huh, that antenna, it's bent.
Natalie: So what?
Adrian Monk: Well, we could straighten it out. It'll just take a second.
Natalie: Well, it's none of our business. Forget about it.
Adrian Monk: I happen to believe that all men are brothers. Every man's bent antenna diminishes me.
Natalie: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Natalie: Maybe he likes it like that. You don't know. Maybe he did it himself.
Adrian Monk: He didn't bend his own antenna. People don't like things bent. People like things straight. Nice and straight. And even.
Natalie: I'll tell you what people like, Mr. Monk. People like people who mind their own business. Every time I poke my nose some place, I end up regrettin' it. It's bad karma. I will be right back. Stay here. Stay. Good boy.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Agent Grooms: Captain, please stay in the vehicle until we get to the cabin.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you afraid of, Grooms? A sharp-shooting raccoon with a high-powered rifle?

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: [groans]
Natalie: What? Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I should tell you. I'm afraid of places.
Natalie: You're always someplace. This is your own fault. You should have stayed in the car. Now we're in the middle of nowhere, my kid has to stay with my parents and she is missing a whole week of school. You've got some drug lord with a price on your head plus you broke that guy's antenna. I know you mean well, but you're bad karma.
Adrian Monk: Bad karma. Yeah, bad, bad.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Look, are you thirsty?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Natalie: Uh, here. I've got some water. I- I brought two cases in the back.
Adrian Monk: I can only drink Sierra Springs.
Natalie: What? What, is it like some medical thing?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Natalie: Bought the wrong water.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Shopkeeper: You folks just passin' through?
Adrian Monk: I'm... I'm a hunter. I'm gonna do some hunting.
Kathy Willowby: The season doesn't start for three months.
Adrian Monk: I know. Uh, I like to get here early, get a good spot.
Kathy Willowby: What are you gonna do, squat in the woods for 12 weeks?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Conway, we have to go. Mr. Conway? Mr. Conway? Mr. Conway? Frank? Frank! Hello! Mr. Conway, we have to go!
Adrian Monk: Sorry.
Natalie: I've been calling you for five minutes.
Adrian Monk: Then I should have answered you, because that is my name. Frank Conway.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Agent Grooms: As of this moment, we are closed off from the outside world.
Adrian Monk: Can we see the rest of it?
Agent Grooms: This is it. Look, I know it's not the Four Seasons, but we've all seen worse.
Adrian Monk: I actually don't think I have.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Agent Grooms: It's no picnic for me, either, but I suggest we all try to make the best of it. Try to think of it like a little vacation, hmm?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Adrian Monk: I can't do this. I can't live like this. I wanna go home.
Natalie: You go home now, you'll get shot in the head.
Adrian Monk: Hmm. Shot in the head.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Top or bottom?
Adrian Monk: Oh. Um...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, I'll flip a coin. Heads or tails?
Adrian Monk: Um...

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk, have a seat.
Adrian Monk: I'll sit when I get home.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Suit yourself.
Martin Willowby: [shouts] Hey there, Mr. Conway. [Monk waves]
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, I could get used to this.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it's nice. You know what would make it even nicer?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hmm?
Adrian Monk: If we were someplace else.

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