Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? And don't give me any of that 95% crap.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I am 100% sure that she probably killed him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
Adrian Monk: 95%.

Adrian Monk & Lieutenant Disher: [in unison] Oh, my God. I've got it. Here's what happened!
Lieutenant Disher: We didn't meet by accident.
Adrian Monk: She electrocuted him.
Lieutenant Disher: It was a set-up from the very beginning. Oh, I can see that now. God, I'm such an idiot!
Adrian Monk: She dropped the radio into the tub while he was bathing. She wanted to make it look like an act of God to collect the extra insurance.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe I believed it because I wanted to believe it. All those fortunes were printed in advance, just for me!
Adrian Monk: She had to preserve the body until the storm came.
Natalie: That's why she bought those bags of ice.
Deputy Paul Coby: My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Neither one.
Adrian Monk: She froze the body so the coroner would never know the time of death.
Lieutenant Disher: The first fortune predicted that I'd be saved from a dirty death which is exactly what happened when I left the restaurant.
Adrian Monk: Last night, during the storm, she put her husband in the boat, then cut it loose, waited a few hours, and then reported it as an accident.
Lieutenant Disher: Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She'll probably break up with me.

Natalie: Okay, can I say something? I'm freaking out back here.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Natalie: Everywhere you go, every time you turn around, somebody is killing somebody else.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's true.
Adrian Monk: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, there was the time you went on vacation, and then on the airplane...
Adrian Monk: These things happen.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, and then that that stage play.
Adrian Monk: It happens.
Natalie: To you! Not to me, not to anybody else. It follows you around. You're not just unlucky, it's... It's something else.
Adrian Monk: Bad karma?
Natalie: You're like a magnet.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Bad karma.
Natalie: It's like you're causing it somehow. You're the Prince of Darkness.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no. He's not the Prince of Darkness. I've seen him vacuum the ceiling. You wouldn't see the Prince of Darkness vacuuming the ceiling.
Natalie: I can picture the Prince of Darkness vacuuming the ceiling to trick us. He's very tricky.
Adrian Monk: Stop calling me the Prince of Darkness. That's how rumors get started.

Agent Grooms: Miss Teeger, please. Stay in the vehicle.
Natalie: No.
Agent Grooms: All right, you can stretch your legs. Just don't call any attention to yourself.
Natalie: Good advice coming from a guy wearin' a three-piece suit in the middle of the woods.

Natalie: I get it now.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Get what?
Natalie: It's not bad karma, people getting killed whenever he's around. It's good karma, because he's there to catch 'em and make it right. It's a good thing, isn't it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, it is. It's a good thing.
Natalie: [to Monk] Come on. I'll buy you a wipe.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, guess what tomorrow is?
Adrian Monk: It's your birthday, of course.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Happy birthday to me. What the hell happened to me, Monk? I was supposed to be the Deputy Commissioner by now. I was the fair-haired boy, remember? Youngest detective in the history of the department. And now, I'm the guy that knows how to find you.
Adrian Monk: Oh, look, Captain, there isn't...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Forget about it.

Adrian Monk: Ah, ah, I got nature... There's... There's nature on my hand. I need a wipe. Wipe! [Natalie hands Monk a leaf] No, y-you can't clean nature with nature!

Captain Stottlemeyer: Say, how's Natalie workin' out?
Adrian Monk: Oh, Natalie's great. [sweeping leaves] Just pick 'em up, pick 'em up. I like her, I I trust her, and hey, I I depend on her. She'll probably be quitting soon.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk, now remember, as long as you're here, your name is Conway. Frank Conway. We made up an ID for you.
Adrian Monk: Wait, he doesn't look like me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a picture of you.
Adrian Monk: It is?

Natalie: Happy birthday, Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much, Natalie. This is probably the most depressing birthday I've ever had.
Adrian Monk: I've had worse.
Natalie: Did you make a wish?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, I did.
Adrian Monk: What was it? [Stottlemeyer is silent] Did it involve me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, it did.