Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Mr. Monk Is the Best Man’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Monk: Mr. Monk Is the Best Man

813. Mr. Monk Is the Best Man

Aired November 13, 2009

After Captain Stottlemeyer proposes to T.K., a series of incidents gives her second thoughts about getting married. Meanwhile, the SFPD investigates a body burned beyond recognition, and Stottlemeyer asks Monk to be his best man.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: So who's on your short list?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I've been at this all morning. Most of these guys are either in jail or dead.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, or both.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Nobody is both.

Rate

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: [sings and plays guitar] Cupid was a gun for hire Took aim at Leland Stottlemeyer Who's love was wallowed in the mire We love you TK Stottlemeyer! Mr. And Mrs. Stottlemeyer.
Natalie: Sounds a little like Light My Fire.
Lieutenant Disher: What part?
Natalie: The words. And the music. Why don't you just play the wedding march?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I am I am during the service. This is for after. This is for the reception. This is my gift. It's either that or a trash compactor.
Natalie: Can't go wrong with a trash compactor.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, we have a victim founded in Colin Park. He was shot once and then burned.
Adrian Monk: I read the file, so where are we?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Still unidentified. Randy, what do we know about him?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, we know he was flammable. That's pretty much it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay, does everybody have pizza?
First cop: There's nothing on it.
Adrian Monk: I know! I ordered plain.
First cop: Not even cheese?
Adrian Monk: I ordered extra plain. No fuss, no muss. And use your coasters. All right, the large coasters go under the small coasters. And there's trash bags in the kitchen. Everybody gets one, I put your names at the top.
Mike: Monk, there's a bathroom in the bathroom.
Adrian Monk: Where do you want me to put it, Mike? In the kitchen?

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: OK, how about a drink?
T.K. Jensen: I'd love to, but I can't. When I look back on this 20 years from now, I wanna know that I was sober.
Stephanie Briggs: Okay, for what it's worth, I think that you made the right decision. Leland is a great guy, but you have got to start thinking about yourself. I mean, my God, you've been a wreck this week. And you could not live like this.
Natalie: Oh.
Stephanie Briggs: You don't agree?
Natalie: My husband, Mitch, was a navy pilot. He was shot down in 1998.
T.K. Jensen: Leland told me, I'm sorry.
Natalie: Yeah, I'm sorry too. I'm sorry all the time. But I'm not sorry I married him. And you know, I've thought about this a lot. Even if I knew then what I know now, I still would've made the same decision. We had eight years. But I would've married him for eight minutes. And there's risk in everything. That's what life is. It's all or nothing.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Look at you! You look spectacular. Mr. Monk, TK is here. Doesn't she look great?
Adrian Monk: [without looking back] Oh, yeah.
Natalie: What's the occasion?
T.K. Jensen: It's our six-month anniversary, so Leland's taking me to La Pasteria.
Natalie: Ooh, very nice.
T.K. Jensen: Have you been there?
Natalie: No, that's how nice it is.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God!
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: He wants to marry you. He's going to propose to you tonight.
T.K. Jensen: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: There's something in his pocket he's been patting all day it's about the size and shape of a ring box. Plus, he trimmed his mustache two days ahead of schedule. And he's been talking to himself just now. I'll bet he's rehearsing. Plus, he's flossing his teeth, which is something he never does!
T.K. Jensen: Oh, my God, Leland!
Lieutenant Disher: [whispers] Congratulations!
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, you ruined the surprise.
Adrian Monk: No, I didn't. I'm very surprised.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, hey. You look great. It's 6:30, so we should get going. [T.K. cries] Are you okay? Why is everybody crying?
T.K. Jensen: [wiping tears away] No reason.
Lieutenant Disher: You two have fun.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's going on?
Adrian Monk: They figured it out. That you're proposing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I wonder how. What do I do now? I guess I'll just do it here.
T.K. Jensen: Wait, no. No, no, no, no, no. Let's just wait till we're alone. And I wanna hear the whole speech. And and everything that you've planned. [they kiss]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is that a "yes"?
T.K. Jensen: Well, you'll just have to wait and find out. Wait, can I just take a peek, just a little peak? [Stottlemeyer flashes the ring]
Lieutenant Disher: Looks like we're going to a wedding.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Listen, Monk. Are you okay with me and T.K.?
Adrian Monk: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I mean, about her name.
Adrian Monk: Oh, sure, I think it's great! Everybody should have a Trudy in their life.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, thank you, man. That means a lot to me. There's something else. I guess this is as good a time as any. You and I, we go way back. Probably some 20-odd, or even, mostly odd years. [Monk chuckles] So, I would like for you to be standing next to me next Saturday.
Adrian Monk: Standing next to you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I'm asking you to be my best man.
Adrian Monk: Really? I'm... I'm... What am I? I'm surprised. I'm flattered. I'm slightly apprehensive. And I'm anxious, which... Well, I'm always anxious. So that doesn't really...
Captain Stottlemeyer: So is that a yes?
Adrian Monk: Yes, absolutely. I'll do my best to be the best best man a best man could possibly be.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sure you will. It's not complicated. Your main job is to make sure you don't lose this.
Adrian Monk: I will not lose this ring.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sure you won't.
Adrian Monk: No, I will not lose this ring.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I think you're bending it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: You want me to hold the ring?
Adrian Monk: I got it.
Natalie: Why don't you put it in your pocket?
Adrian Monk: Pockets rip.
Natalie: How about a drawer?
Adrian Monk: Not reliable.
Natalie: Really? I've found drawers to be pretty reliable.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] I'd just worry about it. You know, I'd obsess over it. Probably end up carrying the whole bureau around with me.
Natalie: You are taking this best man stuff pretty seriously. So how's the bachelor party coming?
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's going great, great. I already bought the beer. And got a movie. [Natalie laughs] What?
Natalie: I've never seen you so excited, it's like he proposed to you.
Adrian Monk: I know, that's how I feel.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Okay, all right, here we go. - Is everybody having fun?
Sarcastic Cop: You mean "is anybody having fun?"
Adrian Monk: That's good, that's good. All right, I would like to say a few words. About our friend, Leland Francis Stottlemeyer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Adrian Monk: And it goes like this. "A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head." [laughter] There's more. There's more. "The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you Leland Stottlemeyer, whose first marriage was annulled after five days, and whose second wife, Karen, left him after 20 years? And then you dated Linda Fusco who was later convicted of first degree murder?'" [Stottlemeyer laughs] Wait, wait, "and then Leland says, 'That's right.', and then the bartender says, 'Every relationship you've ever had has ended in disaster. And you wanna get married again? You're crazy. No wonder you have a duck on your head.' And Leland says..."
Captain Stottlemeyer: And Leland says, "I need a drink."

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Who belongs to the crown vic out front?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, is it green?
Lieutenant Disher: No, it's like a charcoal grey with flames on the side. And on the roof and the windshield.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And on the flames on the windshield?
Lieutenant Disher: Flames on the windshield.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Are these his shears? Has anyone else touched them?
Joy: I don't think so.
Adrian Monk: Just wrap these up. Take the gloves too, they're rubber. We can lift some prints off the inside.
Joy: I found it.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Joy: This is your flower.
Natalie: It's plastic.
Adrian Monk: [sniffs] I love it.

Quote from Natalie

Lieutenant Disher: Okay, here's your paycheck. Plus your expenses.
Natalie: All right, who says crime doesn't pay?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: You all right?
Rookie Cop: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, lieutenant, I've never seen anything like it. Think they killed him first?
Lieutenant Disher: God, I hope so. Peters, any ID at all? Fingerprints, anything?
CSI Tech: You need fingers for fingerprints.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: [sings] Heaven I'm in heaven And my heart beats So that I can hardly speak [talks] How you doin'? [sings] And I finally found the happiness I seek [talks] Hey there, Kevin. You look good. You losing weight? Good deal. [sings] When we're out together Dancin' cheek to cheek. [talks] Hey, I smell ribs.
Lieutenant Disher: It is ribs. You're in a good mood this morning.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm in a great mood. I'm getting married in nine days, can you believe it? [sings] Heaven I'm in heaven and my... [talks] Holy monkey.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, a couple of hikers found him this morning.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Any ID?
Lieutenant Disher: No. We got a boot. One boot, everything else burnt up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: One boot? Holy monkey.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: Figure it's a drifter sleeping in the park, some kids come by, they shoot him, then set him on fire, found a nine millimetre shell right over here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A couple of kids shot him first?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I think so. His back wasn't as well done. So he wasn't rolling around. I think most people would, you know, roll around instinctively. You know?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right.
Lieutenant Disher: We found this too. Rum, probably his own bottle.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 151. That'll do it. Any prints on the bottle?
Lieutenant Disher: No, wiped down.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, kids would not wipe down the bottle, there's something wrong here. Call Monk, have him meet us at the morgue.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You can cover that up now. [sings] I love to go out fishing on a river or a creek But I do not love it half as much as Dancin' cheek to cheek, Oh heaven.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

T.K. Jensen: Oh, my God, is that a person?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it was a person, they found it in Colin Park.
T.K. Jensen: Well, who is it? Or who was it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We don't know.
Adrian Monk: No, they took his wallet, everything's burned.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, we'll be lucky if we can get a DNA match.
T.K. Jensen: God, you have to do this every day?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Honey, I don't teach kindergarten. We knew this when we met.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

T.K. Jensen: Actually, I have a favor to ask you, and it's a little embarrassing. Stephanie got arrested last night.
Adrian Monk: Who's Stephanie?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Stephanie Briggs, it's her maid of honor.
T.K. Jensen: We're sisters, I mean, we feel like sisters.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What'd she do?
T.K. Jensen: Nothing, it was just speeding.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Was she drinking?
T.K. Jensen: No, I swear. It was just speeding, it was her third offense.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, where did they take her?
T.K. Jensen: She's here. Downstairs.
Captain Stottlemeyer: In a holding cell?
T.K. Jensen: They wont release her until the judge comes in tomorrow.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So where's her car?
T.K. Jensen: The impound lot.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, I'll see what I can do.
T.K. Jensen: Thank you, thank you! You're my hero. Meet me out back in a half an hour.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Stephanie Briggs: Oh, smell that sweet air.
T.K. Jensen: Oh, please, drama queen. What were you in there for, like, 20 hours?
Stephanie Briggs: I thought I was gonna have to dig my way out.
T.K. Jensen: She would not dig her way out, because she'd be afraid she break a finger nail.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Can I ask you a question?
Stephanie Briggs: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell were you thinking? You were going 75 miles an hour in a residential neighborhood.
Stephanie Briggs: It was an emergency, Leland? I had to get to the caterers before they closed.
T.K. Jensen: See, she was doing it for us.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's just a wedding, it's not worth getting killed over.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, we ought to be getting married at the beach, just you and me. Something simple in the sand. Jeans and sandals.
T.K. Jensen: The wedding's not just for us, it's for the families.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're the boss. That's my tuxedo. Thank you very much for picking that up.
Stephanie Briggs: Yeah, maybe I should check it, make sure it's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sure it's fine. I rent from these guys all the time.
T.K. Jensen: I can't wait to see you in it.
Stephanie Briggs: Oh, that's nauseating, I wanna go back to prison.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Bye, drive safely.
Stephanie Briggs: I'll keep it under 100.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Cute.

Next Page 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode