Lieutenant Disher: So who's on your short list?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I've been at this all morning. Most of these guys are either in jail or dead.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, or both.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Nobody is both.

Lieutenant Disher: [sings and plays guitar] Cupid was a gun for hire Took aim at Leland Stottlemeyer Who's love was wallowed in the mire We love you TK Stottlemeyer! Mr. And Mrs. Stottlemeyer.
Natalie: Sounds a little like Light My Fire.
Lieutenant Disher: What part?
Natalie: The words. And the music. Why don't you just play the wedding march?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I am I am during the service. This is for after. This is for the reception. This is my gift. It's either that or a trash compactor.
Natalie: Can't go wrong with a trash compactor.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, we have a victim founded in Colin Park. He was shot once and then burned.
Adrian Monk: I read the file, so where are we?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Still unidentified. Randy, what do we know about him?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, we know he was flammable. That's pretty much it.

Adrian Monk: Okay, does everybody have pizza?
First cop: There's nothing on it.
Adrian Monk: I know! I ordered plain.
First cop: Not even cheese?
Adrian Monk: I ordered extra plain. No fuss, no muss. And use your coasters. All right, the large coasters go under the small coasters. And there's trash bags in the kitchen. Everybody gets one, I put your names at the top.
Mike: Monk, there's a bathroom in the bathroom.
Adrian Monk: Where do you want me to put it, Mike? In the kitchen?

Natalie: OK, how about a drink?
T.K. Jensen: I'd love to, but I can't. When I look back on this 20 years from now, I wanna know that I was sober.
Stephanie Briggs: Okay, for what it's worth, I think that you made the right decision. Leland is a great guy, but you have got to start thinking about yourself. I mean, my God, you've been a wreck this week. And you could not live like this.
Natalie: Oh.
Stephanie Briggs: You don't agree?
Natalie: My husband, Mitch, was a navy pilot. He was shot down in 1998.
T.K. Jensen: Leland told me, I'm sorry.
Natalie: Yeah, I'm sorry too. I'm sorry all the time. But I'm not sorry I married him. And you know, I've thought about this a lot. Even if I knew then what I know now, I still would've made the same decision. We had eight years. But I would've married him for eight minutes. And there's risk in everything. That's what life is. It's all or nothing.

Natalie: Look at you! You look spectacular. Mr. Monk, TK is here. Doesn't she look great?
Adrian Monk: [without looking back] Oh, yeah.
Natalie: What's the occasion?
T.K. Jensen: It's our six-month anniversary, so Leland's taking me to La Pasteria.
Natalie: Ooh, very nice.
T.K. Jensen: Have you been there?
Natalie: No, that's how nice it is.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God!
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: He wants to marry you. He's going to propose to you tonight.
T.K. Jensen: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: There's something in his pocket he's been patting all day it's about the size and shape of a ring box. Plus, he trimmed his mustache two days ahead of schedule. And he's been talking to himself just now. I'll bet he's rehearsing. Plus, he's flossing his teeth, which is something he never does!
T.K. Jensen: Oh, my God, Leland!
Lieutenant Disher: [whispers] Congratulations!
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, you ruined the surprise.
Adrian Monk: No, I didn't. I'm very surprised.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, hey. You look great. It's 6:30, so we should get going. [T.K. cries] Are you okay? Why is everybody crying?
T.K. Jensen: [wiping tears away] No reason.
Lieutenant Disher: You two have fun.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's going on?
Adrian Monk: They figured it out. That you're proposing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I wonder how. What do I do now? I guess I'll just do it here.
T.K. Jensen: Wait, no. No, no, no, no, no. Let's just wait till we're alone. And I wanna hear the whole speech. And and everything that you've planned. [they kiss]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is that a "yes"?
T.K. Jensen: Well, you'll just have to wait and find out. Wait, can I just take a peek, just a little peak? [Stottlemeyer flashes the ring]
Lieutenant Disher: Looks like we're going to a wedding.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Listen, Monk. Are you okay with me and T.K.?
Adrian Monk: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I mean, about her name.
Adrian Monk: Oh, sure, I think it's great! Everybody should have a Trudy in their life.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, thank you, man. That means a lot to me. There's something else. I guess this is as good a time as any. You and I, we go way back. Probably some 20-odd, or even, mostly odd years. [Monk chuckles] So, I would like for you to be standing next to me next Saturday.
Adrian Monk: Standing next to you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I'm asking you to be my best man.
Adrian Monk: Really? I'm... I'm... What am I? I'm surprised. I'm flattered. I'm slightly apprehensive. And I'm anxious, which... Well, I'm always anxious. So that doesn't really...
Captain Stottlemeyer: So is that a yes?
Adrian Monk: Yes, absolutely. I'll do my best to be the best best man a best man could possibly be.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sure you will. It's not complicated. Your main job is to make sure you don't lose this.
Adrian Monk: I will not lose this ring.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sure you won't.
Adrian Monk: No, I will not lose this ring.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I think you're bending it.

Natalie: You want me to hold the ring?
Adrian Monk: I got it.
Natalie: Why don't you put it in your pocket?
Adrian Monk: Pockets rip.
Natalie: How about a drawer?
Adrian Monk: Not reliable.
Natalie: Really? I've found drawers to be pretty reliable.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] I'd just worry about it. You know, I'd obsess over it. Probably end up carrying the whole bureau around with me.
Natalie: You are taking this best man stuff pretty seriously. So how's the bachelor party coming?
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's going great, great. I already bought the beer. And got a movie. [Natalie laughs] What?
Natalie: I've never seen you so excited, it's like he proposed to you.
Adrian Monk: I know, that's how I feel.

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Okay, all right, here we go. - Is everybody having fun?
Sarcastic Cop: You mean "is anybody having fun?"
Adrian Monk: That's good, that's good. All right, I would like to say a few words. About our friend, Leland Francis Stottlemeyer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Adrian Monk: And it goes like this. "A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head." [laughter] There's more. There's more. "The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you Leland Stottlemeyer, whose first marriage was annulled after five days, and whose second wife, Karen, left him after 20 years? And then you dated Linda Fusco who was later convicted of first degree murder?'" [Stottlemeyer laughs] Wait, wait, "and then Leland says, 'That's right.', and then the bartender says, 'Every relationship you've ever had has ended in disaster. And you wanna get married again? You're crazy. No wonder you have a duck on your head.' And Leland says..."
Captain Stottlemeyer: And Leland says, "I need a drink."